By Ox Drover
I’ve been on the “Road to Healing” for a couple of years now, working on getting over the worst of the grief of my losses. According to the author of Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T, the greatest loss known to human kind is loss by deception. I have surely suffered PTSD from the extreme losses by deception that I have suffered.
Ms. Huffer outlines eight steps to recovery for her LAS (Legal Abuse Syndrome), which she shows as caused by the legal abuse that our unfair judicial system heaps upon the heads of those already abused by others. Her eight steps for recovery are basically the recovery from the grief of our losses that we all go through in our attempts to recover.
“Health,” though, according to my education in nursing school, is not a “state of being” that is absolute, but a point on a continuum from Illness to Health. Recovery, I think, too, is a point on a continuum that goes from “Utter Devastation to Recovery.” I have passed the midpoint on that continuum from the point of “utter devastation” from which I found myself after the death of my husband and the coordinated and serial attacks of the psychopaths in my life. I now find myself reaching a point on the Road to Healing/Recovery where I have reached the milestone of Acceptance of WHAT IS, and no longer pine and grieve over WHAT I WISH WAS.
I am no longer feeling the acute pain of grief, I am no longer angry at my abusers, I no longer want to do them harm, in fact, I can actually pray for them with a sincere heart. I don’t trust them at all, of course, nor would I break no contact with them, but the worst of the horrible emotions I felt upon discovering their betrayal are no longer afflicting me. I am closer to Healing and Recovery than I am to the Utter Devastation.
Now what will my life be?
I look in the mirror, and the wrinkles are still there. I get on the scale and the numbers haven’t dropped any. I look at my checkbook, and I’m down a great deal of money from when I started all this journey. I look at the newspapers and the economy is still in the pits. Saturday night comes and there is no one knocking on my door asking me out.
So, how is my life different now than it was when I was feeling the acute grief of the devastation? The facts haven’t changed at all. My attitude about “what is” has changed. I am no longer depressed about the people I have “lost” and I am no longer depressed about the things I have lost. I am accepting of these losses as real. I am accepting that it hurt to lose these things that I thought were mine, or the things that were mine.
I no longer hinge my self respect upon what these formerly significant others think of me. I no longer blame myself. I am able to place the blame where it belongs, on those that hurt me.
I was able to tell my story (debrief) to people who believed IN ME. I processed through the grieving; the denial, the anger, the sadness, the bargaining, and on to acceptance. I worked through my obsession with what had happened in my life. I learned to appropriately place blame where it belonged, and to deshame myself for allowing what happened to happen. I realize that I was conned, in some cases, for a very long time, by people I trusted. I learned that because I am a good and trusting person, I tended to trust others who I thought, wrongly as it turned out, were trustworthy.
I have learned to reframe what happened in light of what I have learned. I have learned that some of the things I “learned” as a child as “truths” are actually untrue.
Because I have gone through these processes in grief and recovery, I am empowered, and realize that I have the new knowledge of new truths that are grounded in reality. I can accept a reality that isn’t what I wish it was, but I can accept it for what it is. The fact that “life is not fair” is a truth. I was treated unfairly, but that no longer defines who I am. I am getting closer and closer each day to Recovery and Healing in spite of what has happened. In fact, because of what has happened to me, I am a stronger, wiser and more knowledgeable person.
Recovery is an exclusive road reserved for the brave who have faced and processed their pain. Debriefing was the first step. Recovery is the last step, which becomes a lifestyle of skilled problem solving. The veteran now meets and solves problems with honed wisdom, courage, and tools. (Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer, Karin.)
Skippy,
The energy change, I believe, is within ourselves. Once we get rid of the sociopaths, our own energy changes from negative to positive. Then, our own positive energy brings good things to us.
That’s why, when we disentangle from the sociopaths, we can see improvements in our lives in so many dimensions.
Very astute –thanks, Donna. I think you are right. I have been working very hard on treating myself well and thinking well of myself, even when I make mistakes. So, maybe the cosmos is getting that picture, instead of the one where I was constantly picking on myself.
Dear Skippy,
Yes, we do notice when someone “disappears” or drops off. Most people don’t say “I’m doing well and I’m leaving” they just “vanish” and so we don’t always know the rest of the story. Others who have left and let us know, pop back in to update us once in a while and that is very nice. I do wonder so much about people who “vanish” and sometimes they have “gone back” to the P—-once in a while those people will come back and say “I went bacK” but now I am here again.
Other times, I think people (especially younger people) look for another “significant other” to blot out the pain of the P, thinking that will help—sometimes that may work, but I tend to expect that if I am NOT HEALTHY myself I will be more likely to attract another P. I sure did that after my husband was killed. I was SOOOOO down and soooooo needy that I was the PERFECT VICTIM….with a big “pick me, I’m really needy” sign on my forehead in neon lights! LOL Needless to say the first P along took advantage of me because I WAS wounded and needy, feeling like I would never be happy again….well, now I AM happy again….still “alone” as far as a love interest is concerned, but NOT grieving about that or feeling needy at all. Alone is a bunch better than a bad relationship!!!!!!
Glad you are here, Skippy, and glad you are finding wisdom and knowledge which definitely will increase your POWER!
I sometimes wondered too if I had a P-magnet in my body, and yes, THEY do attract problems like a dog gets fleas! The way they live their lives ATTRACTS EVIL to them, and I think it rubs off on those around them. That is why I am SO DETERMINED to keep away from ANY TOXIC person, P or not. Anyone who is disordered or dysfunctional in their lives is NOT for my circle of intimate friends. Life runs so much smoother if you just distance yourself from these people I think. Some of them you have to set boundaries with, and they will not respect them, so you hve to take a STAND, others, you just “melt quietly away”—-“too busy” or “don’t feel like it” or “just don’t have time to see/talk to you” right now. Etc etc. “I’d love to, but I already have other plans.” All the socially polite excuses that you can pull out of the hat to give them wihtout making a “big deal” out of it, and drift away from them.
Setting these boundaries at first was very very difficult for me, but now that I have almost a year of boundary setting under my belt I am feeling much more sure about doing so, and more solid in what kind of boundaries I want to set and how to do it with as little trauma and DRAMA as I can. (how is THAT for a “run on sentence,” Mrs. Barlow?) LOL
wiserandhealing-I disagree with one thing in your post. Not a poet?…you’re wrong. You’re a poet.
Lovely post, Oxysweety…
You never seem to run out of interesting, inspiring, insightful commentary to discuss. How DO you do it?..haha.
You’re a gifted orater, that’s what you are. And LF is a superb avenue for you, allowing you to share your gifts, knowledge, experience to others.
You give unconditionally yet most likely receive in abundance from all the wonderful, beautiful folks of LF.
To me, that is the fundamental definition of reciprocity: to generously give without actually expecting anything back but pleasantly surprised and heartfully touched when you are given so much in return.
That spiritual dynamic creates a wholesome, meaningful, and absolutely necessary balance, harmony and serenity within each of us.
I believe that without reciprocity, whether it is intended or not, we’re sort of crooked. Out of alignment, not only with ourselves but with the Universe as well.
But what is most important is to give to ourselves first and foremost and as we begin to believe in, to trust, to accept, to love the persons we are because the Lord most certainly loves us, we are able to extend our generous natures/spirits to others without even consciously being aware of it.
We share our newly discovered strength, personal power and our beautiful glorious love-lights with folks and it feels so AWESOME!
xxooxx…huggles to you, Oxy and all LF tribe members.
Peace, Love and Joy for all eternally…:):):)
PS….gorgeous poem, Wiserandhealing. Thanks for sharing!!
YOu all are great.
Henry- Oxy– can you attach a rope to me and pull me to your side?
Akitmeg – You grabbed hold of that rope when you found LoveFraud, can’t you feel us pulling?
Thanks so much for the kind words and additional insights, Oxy. I am really, really glad I found you all to help me through this. It is interesting, once you start realizing that SPs literally do not have the same emotional makeup as the other 96% of us, how much easier it is to start letting go (realizing there is just no way to work things out the way you would with someone who possesses empathy and a conscience). Setting boundaries has never been easy at all for me, either, but like you, I’m starting to learn. Whew.
hi all
i think that many of those who seem to disappear, are really still here all along, reading and following and caring about each and every poster.
.oxy truly picks up the slack in offerring up the amazing love and support that has helped to guide, redirect and pull so many through this devastation..
.because she has the energy to address each one personally, i and others benefit immensely..(and it relieves my sense of responsibility) ……..she has the patience and tenacity and talent/gift for this ..as stated, this healing place is what i envision AA is for others…i couldnt get by without checking into lt daily….
so im very sure, many of our past “friends” are still here and only a hello away
akita i started a new career late in life and graduated as a nurse practitioner when i was 36……couldnt imagine doing anything i would love more………the same yrs will pass whether you are in school or not…..there is always a nursing shortage and many places will pay for your education if you sign a contract to work for so many yrs in their facility…many times only a one year committment good luck
I have a question for anyone who has moved on to a healthy relationship after the Sp. I like a nice man not in love but really liking this amazing person who has come into my life in a way that was not expected. He is kind, consistent, makes me smile and laugh without having to try too hard. After my boat trip which was so perfect. I was calm, no nerves, no constant trying to be anyone other than me, and being seen as a person of value. What a revelation! Anyway, that night I dreamed of the Sp. I dreamed that I was talking to him with his face grasped in my hands and I was telling him that I like this person maybe could even see myself falling in love if I ever believe in that emotion again and that please just tell me the truth of what we had, what you are, what was real,, was any of it real? So on some deep unconscious level I’m in need of closure. I know that I will never get it, but is it possible to move on and trust again without ever getting the facts of the old relationship settled. Never not had a moment of reckoning with people from my past. The whole now you don’t exist thing is so foreign to my way of being. Just curious as to how to file the Sp away in my psyche.