By Ox Drover
A thought struck me the other day as I was musing ”¦ many people today have at least thought about how they want things to proceed when they come toward the end of their lives. Do they want to be “kept on life support” with feeding tubes and ventilators and lying unconscious in an intensive care nursing unit?
Is that kind of “life” really anything but prolonging drying? Or, is it possible that if you stayed there with mechanical life support, that you might actually wake up and heal, and go on and enjoy more time in a healthy life? Many of us have made decisions which we have placed into “Living Wills” and have appointed someone to be our decision maker if we can’t make our own decision at the time. (BTW if you don’t have a living will which is legally valid, your nearest relative or your spouse will be automatically appointed.)
When the time came to make the decision about providing life support for my husband with the terrible burns he had, between the medical knowledge I had about his chances of survival (zero) and his wishes, there was no decision to make, nothing could have helped him live longer, only prolong the unavoidable.
In my career as a registered nurse practitioner I have watched families vacillate over whether to put their loved one on mechanical life support, to take them off, or put in a feeding tube or to take one out. I have seen them cry and fight and have seen childhood jealousies come to the front to make decisions which should have been made by a cooler head.
Life support and psychopaths
As I was musing about these physical end of life life-supports, I thought about the fact that sometimes in my relationships I’ve done the same thing. I’ve kept a relationship that was essentially “brain dead and suffering” on life support, loath to let it die a natural and peaceful death by just not sustaining it artificially any more. Hoping against hope that it might improve if I just gave it enough time and energy. Later realizing that I had expended a tremendous amount of energy sustaining this relationship which only became sicker and sicker, sucked away resources I could have used for other more positive things.
Looking back, hindsight is always 20/20, I can see that I kept my relationship with my psychopathic son on life-support from the time he was 17, and when I went to the local jail to get him, as he walked up to me and my husband he said, “What the f&%k took you so long?” At that time, I said to the jailer, “Sir, there’s a problem, this isn’t my son, because my son wouldn’t talk to me like that, take this young man back upstairs.” Right then I had seen the relationship was dead, there was no mutuality about it, there was no respect for me, or for my position as his mother.
But I couldn’t conceive that my relationship with my son couldn’t be somehow miraculously saved by some magical miracle so that “everything would be all right.”
So because I couldn’t stand the thought or the pain of pulling the rest of the life support for the relationship, I put it back on life support and kept it there for decades after that. Even when it took turns for the worse and he wound up not just in juvy jail, but it big-boy’s prison for a felony robbery, then back again for murder.
I kept on refusing to let myself disconnect from the corpse of our relationship, refused to let it die a natural death , and feel the grief. In my prolonged denial of how seriously flawed our relationship was, I tortured myself with hope. Hope that was unfounded on reality, malignant hope that my son might survive inside this corpse of a soul.
Had to pull the plug
Eventually there came a time when I realized that the relationship was not repairable. I could not, medicine could not, nothing could fix the relationship, and in addition the relationship on life support was poisoning everything about itself—including me. It was requiring all the energy I had to keep it as the living dead. It was a source of contagion that used my energy, infected other relationships around it and me. I had to pull the plug and let it go, in order to survive.
I actually had a memorial service for the boy that was, the little boy I had grown to love so much, oh gosh was he cute, but he’s no longer living, and my relationship with him is only in my memory. Just as my late husband and I are only in my memory. Yet, by letting both of them go, and doing the appropriate and painful grieving, I have released those good memories to be enjoyed and loved the rest of my life.
Nothing should outlast its time. When something is dead or broken and can’t be fixed, it is time for us to let it go. Cherish the memories if we can, but let the rest of it go.
hens, i have a whole lot of things come to mind in response to your posts.
first, take care of yourself, k. you can do so much to help her. you will be the best thing for her! but take care. if she is going to stay with you there has to be boundaries about NC with the daughter. the daughter cannot know where she is; the last thing you need is another spath on your doorstep.
in 12 step programs – the 12th step is to ‘pass it on’. and i think you can do this here. i am so sorry your friend has been devastated. with lf and you she will have lots of support, and i am really glad she called you back. in her devastation she still knows enough to reach out. that’s a very good sign.
i caution you – because you deserve the best in life, you deserve to not be depleted – you have been very lonely – don’t give this situation more than you can -you tried to fix the ppath and it hurt you (i have this problem too….rescue and die carp thing.)
hugs
one step
I know she cares about me but she doesnt seem to ‘catch’ my feelings, which is good because I couldnt bare it… if I felt like I’d dumped my stuff on her to her detriment… .
OK ya’ll-let’s see if I have less mood swings today from the concussion. Yesterday really sucked. It feels terrible to know that something is wrong inside your head and you can’t do anything about it. You’re aware that your behavior is “OFF” but there’s nothing I can do.
I can’t wait until the doc clears me tomorrow to go back to activity and work. My neuro exam is totally normal but I just have the moodiness. It’s hard to tell about the concentration since I haven’t been doing anything this weekend that requires much brain power.
I have decided to stay here in town and the police academy application will go out in January. As soon as I am cleared to work this week the exercise program will be revamped and totally focused. I am going to have the trainer give me some hints about what I need to do. I don’t need someone with me all the time because I am very disciplined. I just need hints sometimes. I am starting this week to save every spare penny that I earn so I don’t have to work another job while in the academy. I need to be fit for the academy but I also want to look tight in the uniform for graduation and thereafter. Thank God I have already been through the first “HELL WEEK” so I know what to expect. I am going to do all the “academy punishing exercises” in my workouts! WOO HOO!! Ready to kick some ASS!!!
I would also echo what One step says… Remembering how I rushed in to ‘save’ my Niece. I had NO ENERGY for that sort of thing, even if she hadnt been a manipulative sponger predator! (I am not saying that about your friend!) Just make sure you take care of YOU.x
ern72 –
last time i will say this, ’cause i know i am not getting through to you. your brain needs to heal. you have to take it easy until it does. you can’t control your brain’s need to heal by going into overdrive to control your destiny.
you can’t escape your body. and running it hard (with an overdrive exercise program) to escape your fear and pain may be too much. event though you say it is about your goals and attaining them you could make yourself sicker longer if you don’t take care.
young pups. dunna listen. 😉
I am NOT running from fear and pain. Once the MD clears me to work out, I am going to work out. I am able-bodied and motivated because I have goals and career that I NEED to have for myself. I am sorry if you disagree. You say that I’m young–I don’t have a whole lot of time left to be hired for my career. It’s now or never and I am NOT waiting any longer. The pre-narcissist Erin is emerging. It has been way over a year since all that drama and I refuse to wallow in it any longer!
Where the heck is OXY? It seems like we haven’t heard from her in days! Is she OK? Does anyone know?
I was wondering about Oxy also..Where is my twisted sister? I feel silly for my plea for help for my friend
this morning,,i have told her for years her daughter is toxic and a pspath but she doent like to label her, but she will admit she had to escape..Boo is staying with her sister until she can find a place, she came out had a good cry hung out in the pool, i fixed bacon and eggs and just listened to her, gave her the book the betrayal bond…onestep you are right i need to be careful here i can see where this mite not be the best for me to fet further involved, specially cause i am a fixer but all the same thanx ev1 for input …
Hens-I hope Oxy is OK. Please be careful with your friend. You don’t need or deserve any drama from others. You can’t fix everything my man.
hens – you have a pool!? and bacon and egss?! i’ll be right over!
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease don’t be feeling silly. it made a lot of sense – we need support. we are better with it than without it, as we go back out into the world.
i am so sorry she is in such ruff shape. 🙁
I know you were looking forward to some companionship and socializing. so this sucks on that level too – a friend who might have brought some lightness, is in so in need.
i do hope she is really ready for nc.
best, one step who is about to go try to join a choir – they might not take me as i do not read music…but i am going out anyway. btw, i can’t sing a lick. and they are a good choir.