By Ox Drover
A thought struck me the other day as I was musing ”¦ many people today have at least thought about how they want things to proceed when they come toward the end of their lives. Do they want to be “kept on life support” with feeding tubes and ventilators and lying unconscious in an intensive care nursing unit?
Is that kind of “life” really anything but prolonging drying? Or, is it possible that if you stayed there with mechanical life support, that you might actually wake up and heal, and go on and enjoy more time in a healthy life? Many of us have made decisions which we have placed into “Living Wills” and have appointed someone to be our decision maker if we can’t make our own decision at the time. (BTW if you don’t have a living will which is legally valid, your nearest relative or your spouse will be automatically appointed.)
When the time came to make the decision about providing life support for my husband with the terrible burns he had, between the medical knowledge I had about his chances of survival (zero) and his wishes, there was no decision to make, nothing could have helped him live longer, only prolong the unavoidable.
In my career as a registered nurse practitioner I have watched families vacillate over whether to put their loved one on mechanical life support, to take them off, or put in a feeding tube or to take one out. I have seen them cry and fight and have seen childhood jealousies come to the front to make decisions which should have been made by a cooler head.
Life support and psychopaths
As I was musing about these physical end of life life-supports, I thought about the fact that sometimes in my relationships I’ve done the same thing. I’ve kept a relationship that was essentially “brain dead and suffering” on life support, loath to let it die a natural and peaceful death by just not sustaining it artificially any more. Hoping against hope that it might improve if I just gave it enough time and energy. Later realizing that I had expended a tremendous amount of energy sustaining this relationship which only became sicker and sicker, sucked away resources I could have used for other more positive things.
Looking back, hindsight is always 20/20, I can see that I kept my relationship with my psychopathic son on life-support from the time he was 17, and when I went to the local jail to get him, as he walked up to me and my husband he said, “What the f&%k took you so long?” At that time, I said to the jailer, “Sir, there’s a problem, this isn’t my son, because my son wouldn’t talk to me like that, take this young man back upstairs.” Right then I had seen the relationship was dead, there was no mutuality about it, there was no respect for me, or for my position as his mother.
But I couldn’t conceive that my relationship with my son couldn’t be somehow miraculously saved by some magical miracle so that “everything would be all right.”
So because I couldn’t stand the thought or the pain of pulling the rest of the life support for the relationship, I put it back on life support and kept it there for decades after that. Even when it took turns for the worse and he wound up not just in juvy jail, but it big-boy’s prison for a felony robbery, then back again for murder.
I kept on refusing to let myself disconnect from the corpse of our relationship, refused to let it die a natural death , and feel the grief. In my prolonged denial of how seriously flawed our relationship was, I tortured myself with hope. Hope that was unfounded on reality, malignant hope that my son might survive inside this corpse of a soul.
Had to pull the plug
Eventually there came a time when I realized that the relationship was not repairable. I could not, medicine could not, nothing could fix the relationship, and in addition the relationship on life support was poisoning everything about itself—including me. It was requiring all the energy I had to keep it as the living dead. It was a source of contagion that used my energy, infected other relationships around it and me. I had to pull the plug and let it go, in order to survive.
I actually had a memorial service for the boy that was, the little boy I had grown to love so much, oh gosh was he cute, but he’s no longer living, and my relationship with him is only in my memory. Just as my late husband and I are only in my memory. Yet, by letting both of them go, and doing the appropriate and painful grieving, I have released those good memories to be enjoyed and loved the rest of my life.
Nothing should outlast its time. When something is dead or broken and can’t be fixed, it is time for us to let it go. Cherish the memories if we can, but let the rest of it go.
My friend Boo called and said she was worried about the kiss in the pool and she hoped I didnt take it the wrong way…Well I guess she saw my discomfort or is reading Lovefraud.
I mentioned a few days ago about my son’s cell phone’s ring tone being a trigger, I noticed last evening he has changed the ring tone – I guess he saw the discomfort or is reading lovefraud…come to think of it I have told more than a few close people in my life about lovefraud..maybe they are all reading my post..or maybe I am paranoid..maybe I need a new user name ..let’s see how does (OOP’S) sound?
P.s. I like this thread LIFE SUPPORT we can pretty much yak about anything and not worry about being off topic..
can’t use oops now…you’ve revealed.
how about ‘*’, formerly known as hens?
and i am glad that she called. that’s good. and the change in the ring tone is nice too….less triggers, more space to heal.
I got to be me so hens it stays, it wouldnt be the same if we didnt know who everybody was here. I will just clean up my mouth and be nice.
damn, i was digging the ‘new and improved hens’!
Life support, when to pull the plug and when to hang on. When the relationship becomes toxic, that’s when we need to pull the plug.
I met a wonderful women, (neighbor of a good friend), she has a narcissistic father and she was able to relate to me better than anyone else has been able to. She ousted him as the CEO of his company, he was going to panama for prostitutes, sexually harassing employees, trying to steal his grandkids college money, and the list goes on. She said she had forgiven him and the same day he started stabbing her in the back. For gosh sakes, they’re everywhere! (load ’em up to good old spathy island!)
She gave me some really good information on narcissists and is really helpful and supportive. She also went to some conferences in another state and started learning about co-dependence. Her mom became an alcoholic and so depressed that she couldn’t get out of bed, thanks to the wonderful father. They divorced many years ago and she is finally starting to get her life back together.
This is what they do to us, they make us believe that they love and cherish us while hiding a nasty side behind a mask. Get the mask to slip and it is horrifying! They seem so sane to other people and can convince others with their charm and wit so that we seem like the disordered ones.
The therapist that we had been going to jointly (has counseled the most married couples in the state,so he says), has said that husband is really trying to make an effort, more than I am, and to go into the abuse in my childhood. WTF? Thank gosh my counselor can see through him because this is complete crap. This counselor that we have both been seeing can testify in court, so I need to cooperate. I decided that I will not let him get away with the lies he has been telling the counselor and am going to subpeona (spelling?) his cell phone records. I need to have proof that he has been lying in session.
Hens-I love you just the way you are–DON’T CHANGE ANYTHING!!
Today I lost my soul mate, my Border Collie dog…he was fine this morning and when my son went to feed at 6 p.m. he was gone…I’ve cried all evening, feel helpless, wish there was something I could DO except sit here and grieve and cry…we buried him next to my sweet sweet dumb Shitzu that I lost the summer of the P-Chaos. My colllie was the last of the animals my husband and I shared love for, my horse, the shitzu, my great white pyrenees guard dog, my dog’s gentle mama, and now him.
Since the summer of chaos and all the losses of spirits I loved, I don’t handle loss as well as I used to (and it was never “good”) Some of it is I think the fact that I was taken to public funerals from a very early age for people that I loved, great grandparents, uncles, cousins, and aunts. When I got old enough to refuse to go, I did refuse, and even when my grandparents died,, I couldn’t go to the funerals…I did manage to go to my step father’s, but I helped plan it and it was comforting, not painful…it was a celebration of his life by those that loved him. My husband’s “non traditional” memorial service was also a comfort by those who loved him to share his life.
My gutsy and brave collie who wasn’t afraid to get a 2,000 pound bull by the nose and spin him around and send him off in the other direction…and yet was so gentle 30 kids at a time could pull on his fur and ears and he never objected. He loved to do tricks for the kids at the schools and parks we gave demos at, and I never had to put him on a leash, even with other dogs all around, he stayed right by my heels. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the night.
Hens, who was it who changed his name to +Love Symbol, was it Prince, or Eddie Mercury?
Hows about the “Verry French” HENRI?
the French King, Henri Quatre,{1!V}was the one who tried to improve the life of the poor peasants, and wanted every frenchman to have “Un Poulet en Pot,-a Chicken in every pot!’
Chicken casserole I guess.
My half French Mum had an Uncle, Henri, whom she said was as mean as catshit. she used to tell me, beware of men who carry a purse, like mean Uncle Henri!
So, hens, back to the drawing board. I agree, I love you just the way you are.Love, mama gem.XX