By Ox Drover
A thought struck me the other day as I was musing ”¦ many people today have at least thought about how they want things to proceed when they come toward the end of their lives. Do they want to be “kept on life support” with feeding tubes and ventilators and lying unconscious in an intensive care nursing unit?
Is that kind of “life” really anything but prolonging drying? Or, is it possible that if you stayed there with mechanical life support, that you might actually wake up and heal, and go on and enjoy more time in a healthy life? Many of us have made decisions which we have placed into “Living Wills” and have appointed someone to be our decision maker if we can’t make our own decision at the time. (BTW if you don’t have a living will which is legally valid, your nearest relative or your spouse will be automatically appointed.)
When the time came to make the decision about providing life support for my husband with the terrible burns he had, between the medical knowledge I had about his chances of survival (zero) and his wishes, there was no decision to make, nothing could have helped him live longer, only prolong the unavoidable.
In my career as a registered nurse practitioner I have watched families vacillate over whether to put their loved one on mechanical life support, to take them off, or put in a feeding tube or to take one out. I have seen them cry and fight and have seen childhood jealousies come to the front to make decisions which should have been made by a cooler head.
Life support and psychopaths
As I was musing about these physical end of life life-supports, I thought about the fact that sometimes in my relationships I’ve done the same thing. I’ve kept a relationship that was essentially “brain dead and suffering” on life support, loath to let it die a natural and peaceful death by just not sustaining it artificially any more. Hoping against hope that it might improve if I just gave it enough time and energy. Later realizing that I had expended a tremendous amount of energy sustaining this relationship which only became sicker and sicker, sucked away resources I could have used for other more positive things.
Looking back, hindsight is always 20/20, I can see that I kept my relationship with my psychopathic son on life-support from the time he was 17, and when I went to the local jail to get him, as he walked up to me and my husband he said, “What the f&%k took you so long?” At that time, I said to the jailer, “Sir, there’s a problem, this isn’t my son, because my son wouldn’t talk to me like that, take this young man back upstairs.” Right then I had seen the relationship was dead, there was no mutuality about it, there was no respect for me, or for my position as his mother.
But I couldn’t conceive that my relationship with my son couldn’t be somehow miraculously saved by some magical miracle so that “everything would be all right.”
So because I couldn’t stand the thought or the pain of pulling the rest of the life support for the relationship, I put it back on life support and kept it there for decades after that. Even when it took turns for the worse and he wound up not just in juvy jail, but it big-boy’s prison for a felony robbery, then back again for murder.
I kept on refusing to let myself disconnect from the corpse of our relationship, refused to let it die a natural death , and feel the grief. In my prolonged denial of how seriously flawed our relationship was, I tortured myself with hope. Hope that was unfounded on reality, malignant hope that my son might survive inside this corpse of a soul.
Had to pull the plug
Eventually there came a time when I realized that the relationship was not repairable. I could not, medicine could not, nothing could fix the relationship, and in addition the relationship on life support was poisoning everything about itself—including me. It was requiring all the energy I had to keep it as the living dead. It was a source of contagion that used my energy, infected other relationships around it and me. I had to pull the plug and let it go, in order to survive.
I actually had a memorial service for the boy that was, the little boy I had grown to love so much, oh gosh was he cute, but he’s no longer living, and my relationship with him is only in my memory. Just as my late husband and I are only in my memory. Yet, by letting both of them go, and doing the appropriate and painful grieving, I have released those good memories to be enjoyed and loved the rest of my life.
Nothing should outlast its time. When something is dead or broken and can’t be fixed, it is time for us to let it go. Cherish the memories if we can, but let the rest of it go.
HurtNoMore, ask your Dad if you can have a conversation with him and tell him that your experiences are uniquely yours, not his or anyone else. That you have the right to set boundaries and associate with people that are NOT going to be TOXIC to your well being. If he refuses to comprehend your wishes, tell him that the two of you think differently on this particular issue.
That’s a nice way of telling him that it’s your life, this is how you feel and if he or anyone doesn’t like that you do NOT want toxic people around in your space … then sorry, it’s too bad that they don’t get it, but you do.
Peace.
hurtnomore010
Don’t give up on yourself. You know who you are, you know you are a good person….you need to believe in yourself above and beyond all the games people play around you…I think you are a very nice person who speaks so much sense !! but it must be very lonely right now with everyone on your case….stay strong and keep talking x
Dear OxDrover,
Thanks for referring me to this article. I see what you mean, and I do know I should pull the plug and get it over with. I’m feeling loads better just in the past two days since I’ve gotten this situation out in the open. It is so shameful I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, and then by hiding it all, I feel untrue to everyone I know. In the anonymity of the internet I guess I can finally say this. It’s horrible, and I wouldn’t blame anybody for booing me off the site.
The fact is, I’m compassionate for him, yes, and probably too much. But I’m also committed to him because I have promised to love him unconditionally, no matter what. I thought that would help him get better. I really invested in his life, many hours and days, much emotion, much worry and care and love.
I’ll just go ahead and say it, I’m not only his mentor, and friend, but he actually is a young man who came into our FAMILY. Or so I thought. I agreed to be a MOTHER to him!
!!!! (I have to throw up a little in my mouth…) !!!
He “seemed” to be a likeable person, well-mannered, hard-working, polite, responsible. We invited him to come live with our family because his birth family was abusive and moving away. He chose to stay in our town, and we took him in, thinking he was looking for a better life.
In a nutshell, the situation is very much like “The Blind Side” movie. We’re not rich upperclass though, only normal working people. And no racial differences. But he came from a very underprivileged situation, we knew first-hand of the abuse he had endured, and wanted to help. He needed so much, had never even been educated, though nearly grown. Had never been to a doctor or dentist. Just unthinkable neglect. I had never heard of anything that bad before. I thought, we can help!
So as I’ve said, it turns out he was just using us (primarily me) for whatever need he had at the moment. When he wants me to be “Mom” that’s what he calls me. When he is between girlfriends (or simply between dates) he starts calling me “Baby” and getting seductive. PLEASE!! I’m so freaking sick of this. I have explained over and over how wrong it all is. I thought at first he just “didn’t understand relationships” having been abused. I do still feel sorry for him because something is obviously wrong with him. He’s probably a sociopath, or whatever label(s). Doesn’t matter, like you all said. He is truly messed up.
But really … he understands how to have a girlfriend. He understands how to put a wedge between my husband and me and get me alone to twist my thinking. He understood how to love-bomb me, back when he wanted me for himself and got my mind so messed up and addicted to him I would do anything to be with him. Then once he discarded me, he can’t understand why I’m still hurt. He doesn’t see why I can’t be mommy again. Or maybe he can understand and doesn’t care. After all, HIS NEEDS are the only thing that matter.
He babied up to me the other day asking for a favor, and said something like, “C’mon, help me out, I’m your kid!” And I said, “Oh no, you’re not! You’re not a kid, and you’re not mine.” and he just smirked and shrugged. You would think that would have hurt his feelings but I don’t think he cared.
Well anyway, there’s a ton of stuff I could tell, but the shame of having tried to be Mommy and having it turn out to be I’m now his “ex” has really crushed me. I worry that I’m the one who has corrupted him. But c’mon, I am NOT a child abuser!! My other kids are very very good people. I raised them right and I’m proud of them. There is nothing like this anywhere in my family. I’ve begged him to understand that he’s asking me (basically) to commit incest! He just makes a joke of it, or says, no we aren’t really related. Also, he is not a child but a young adult. (I was married and finishing college at his age). These things are true but I have enough sense to know it’s still wrong! Besides the fact that I’m married! Besides the fact that he is betraying all of us by acting this way! He is totally disrespecting everything we have done.
I haven’t kicked him out because I don’t want to put my family through all that drama. They know something weird is going on, but I’ve explained away most of it. They want him out too. So I know that I have to get well enough to want him out myself. It wasn’t long ago that if he had left I would have gone with him. I know that’s terrible that I would put him above my kids, but like an addict, you put the “drug” before all other things you care about, even your precious family. I don’t want to hurt my family any more, so I want to be sure I can handle it when he goes.
Like you said, I do have FOG:
FEAR of what he will do if he loses his free room and board. (I’ve decided that must be all we are to him anymore.) He has threatened me with all kinds of things if I “kick him out”, including hurting us, and “exposing me” and ruining my life, and yes I do fear that. After all, what would any member of the general public think of a mother who “takes advantage” of her “son”? BTW I don’t ever call him my son, certainly not any more.
OBLIGATION to keep my promise to love him, help him and be there for him, although I made it before he started acting this way.
GUILT that this whole situation ever happened. If I had been able to avoid the addiction, if I had been stronger, or wiser. I feel I have to hang in there to straighten things out, because I allowed it to happen. Maybe I’m the one who corrupted him. And don’t Moms try to make everything better?
He has got me where he wants me. Somehow I don’t think this will have the happy ending that “The Blind Side” did.
Thanks, and ((hugs)) back.
JustDreamin, you are still in a state of shock (PTSD) over finding out the truth. Your mind is trying to grasp as much as you can possibly absorb at this time and adjust to what reality is again after THE LIE came waltzing into your life.
Best thing to do right now since your mind won’t turn off the horror story is to pamper yourself. Pamper your family and friends and all those that are close to you. You deserve to work on you right now. Now is the time for only you to get through the tunnel and follow the LIGHT!
REMEMBER the NO CONTACT RULE.
Peace to your heart and soul as you venture on your journey of healing. There is nothing anyone can say on this site that would shock anyone because we’re all are in this together. All horror stories that began with a LIE FROM HELLO TO GOODBYE.
Dear Justdreamin,
I’m not sure just how old this “child” is—but I would tell him to LEAVE NOW, TODAY —give him A couple of hundred bucks and put his stuff on the front porch. NO arguments. Tell him that whatever he wants to do to try to revenge himself on you is okay, go for it. If you need to, call the cops to have them present when you toss him out. He is a guest in your home I assume since he is not paying room and board and you are legally within your rights to toss out a guest who does not honor your wishes.
YOUR promise to love him “unconditionally” is NOT valid, only GOD can love unconditionally, and yet even He sets LIMITS…you are allowing this young man to black mail you.
If you did have a sexual relationship with this young man, and/or he was underage or you were/are married, you may have to pony up to the consequences, but allowing him to TAKE YOUR HOME BY FORCE OF THREAT IS NOT A GOOD OPTION.
I just recently put my oldest biological son on the street for lying to me. I cut off all contact with my other biiological son for lying to me as well (He, though is in prison and I am working to try to keep him there for his natural life.)
NO one is entitled to “unconditional love” ALL human love should be conditional—and that condition should be that you treat me with respect.
Hang in there Girlfriend! You are in a spot, but you can take back your life!!!!! ((((Hugs))))) and God bless.
Wini, thank you again. When you said PTSD, shock, etc I brushed it off. I’m fine! I can handle this! But you know, I’ve slept in fear all night after posting the last couple days. Admitting what is going on has shaken me up. I’m becoming more afraid all the time. Thinking I might see him makes me so nervous recently. I become more and more irritable, stressed, and shaky hour by hour until it is bedtime and I finally make it to bed without running into him that day.
This really is a horror story, isn’t it? It reminds me of last year’s movie “Orphan” if you saw it. The couple adopts a “little girl” not realizing she is a 30ish con artist out to seduce the father and kill the mother. Something about the end of it still resonates to me when the mom yells, “I’m not your mommy!” and they all see the situation clearly looking back. Oh my Lord in Heaven, that’s not what has happened to us is it?
OxDrover, I know you are right about no contact. If it were just me I would do it. But the whole scene, calling the cops, etc will be traumatic to our family. The kids think of him as their “brother” (although my teenage daughter doesn’t, she hates him). This will be a huge black mark on our family’s history if we don’t handle it right. I just want him to go peacefully, get an apartment and move on like a normal person.
Plus, he loves the idea of revenge. I guess I could handle it if he starts saying terrible things, and even if he kills himself which he has often said he will do if made to leave. But what if he starts stalking me or the kids. What if he tries to hurt us? He carries a knife and may have a gun for all I know. Surely these threats are only manipulative and not real. He has threatened to kill me if I “snitch” (he sees making him leave as a deep betrayal) and has described several times how he would have no mercy on a snitch. He has told me, “If I go down I’m taking you with me.”
There is no underage issue. He is almost 20. Most of this is recent. He just “took off his mask” this summer. I know I did things and allowed things that were inappropriate. When he had me under the spell, convinced we were “meant to be together” (his proof being that we were such an unlikely couple it must be real love), I went along with bad things. That was my fault because I did resist and say no, but not so strongly.
BTW I sure do feel I was brainwashed during that time (last winter). He whispered to me all day long, so many things, it was like a record playing in my mind that he just kept going. We were together a lot and constantly constantly he repeated things
-I love you
-your husband doesn’t really love you,
-he pays no attention to you, but I’m here all the time for you,
-I treat you better than anyone ever has (although he really didn’t)
-the feeling you have for me is what love really is (and I’m thinking, not being able to breathe is love? It wasn’t love, but it was something very real)
-you’re MINE
-we have a future together, stick to the plan
Is this how a sociopath operates?
Brainwashed or not, I accept that I am at fault for some of it, especially in the beginning. He is attractive and has a certain magnetism, no doubt about it. I have a lot of guilt over this. But some of this I truly wasn’t a willing participant in. What more could I do than to say no, try to get his hands off me, struggle against him, try to leave, beg him to stop?
Anyway, thanks for the idea that we don’t have to love unconditionally! I was taught that we did. I’ve always thought that. But I took a leap because your words really sounded right to me, and so I sent him a short message online saying I “take back” my unconditional love and that the only way I would love him is if he were to treat me with respect. I don’t know if that was the right thing to say or do but I’m trying to take action.
Oxy,
I am so sorry to hear about your dog. I know how much I depended on my dog for comfort, and when he passed, I was devastated.
They are such loving souls. Maybe his spirit will be in your new puppy, when you get it.
JustDreamin, yes, your situation, like all of ours, is a total tangled mess.
What I gathered out of some of your previous post that you and your family wanted to extend him a helping hand to have a roof over his hand and family that he could rely on.
That is what Christians consider a righteous act. Doing for another, giving them a helping hand so they can then get on a stable footing to help themselves.
Now, your other posts list how he considered you a mother figure. You agreed, he could call you mom.
Another righteous act. Allowing a young man into your family unit, providing him shelter, utilities of water, electricity etc. until he could do for himself while being included as a family member in a stable family environment.
I hope you are getting what I’m leading too. Write a line down a piece of paper. On the right side of the paper put the heading UNRIGHTEOUS ACTS. On the left side of the paper write the heading RIGHTEOUS ACTS.
You know the order these acts occurred. You know what was said between the two of you. You know who, what, where and whys of all the events that took place.
When you get the list together of chronological facts you will have the foundation of what transpired.
After the facts are listed, take another colored pen and list the emotional aspects that occurred on your part . Put them under the headings they belong.
Take another colored pen and list the emotional aspects of what he provided. Same thing, put them under the headings they belong.
Take another colored pen and list what actions he took after you and he had conversations.
Same goes for you. Another colored pen and list what actions you took after having a conversation with him.
You will see on the last 2 colored listing what his words and actions were. You will also see what your words and your actions were.
In the meantime, relax. Pamper yourself. Pamper your family.
Dear Donna, Thanks for your words of care and concern. I know from reading your book just how much you care about animals, and that you know how painful it is to lose one.
OxDrover –
Regarding the loss of your dog:
Uncanny, isn’t it, how a dog turns out to be more human than our s-paths. I imagine your dog to be a major part of your own life support so I am sad taht your loss is that much more difficult. Wish I could take away your pain but I know that same pain is what shows that you are a blessing, as you were to your dog.
KatyDid, who may not remember the names of all my friends kids, but I know their dog’s names!