By Ox Drover
A thought struck me the other day as I was musing ”¦ many people today have at least thought about how they want things to proceed when they come toward the end of their lives. Do they want to be “kept on life support” with feeding tubes and ventilators and lying unconscious in an intensive care nursing unit?
Is that kind of “life” really anything but prolonging drying? Or, is it possible that if you stayed there with mechanical life support, that you might actually wake up and heal, and go on and enjoy more time in a healthy life? Many of us have made decisions which we have placed into “Living Wills” and have appointed someone to be our decision maker if we can’t make our own decision at the time. (BTW if you don’t have a living will which is legally valid, your nearest relative or your spouse will be automatically appointed.)
When the time came to make the decision about providing life support for my husband with the terrible burns he had, between the medical knowledge I had about his chances of survival (zero) and his wishes, there was no decision to make, nothing could have helped him live longer, only prolong the unavoidable.
In my career as a registered nurse practitioner I have watched families vacillate over whether to put their loved one on mechanical life support, to take them off, or put in a feeding tube or to take one out. I have seen them cry and fight and have seen childhood jealousies come to the front to make decisions which should have been made by a cooler head.
Life support and psychopaths
As I was musing about these physical end of life life-supports, I thought about the fact that sometimes in my relationships I’ve done the same thing. I’ve kept a relationship that was essentially “brain dead and suffering” on life support, loath to let it die a natural and peaceful death by just not sustaining it artificially any more. Hoping against hope that it might improve if I just gave it enough time and energy. Later realizing that I had expended a tremendous amount of energy sustaining this relationship which only became sicker and sicker, sucked away resources I could have used for other more positive things.
Looking back, hindsight is always 20/20, I can see that I kept my relationship with my psychopathic son on life-support from the time he was 17, and when I went to the local jail to get him, as he walked up to me and my husband he said, “What the f&%k took you so long?” At that time, I said to the jailer, “Sir, there’s a problem, this isn’t my son, because my son wouldn’t talk to me like that, take this young man back upstairs.” Right then I had seen the relationship was dead, there was no mutuality about it, there was no respect for me, or for my position as his mother.
But I couldn’t conceive that my relationship with my son couldn’t be somehow miraculously saved by some magical miracle so that “everything would be all right.”
So because I couldn’t stand the thought or the pain of pulling the rest of the life support for the relationship, I put it back on life support and kept it there for decades after that. Even when it took turns for the worse and he wound up not just in juvy jail, but it big-boy’s prison for a felony robbery, then back again for murder.
I kept on refusing to let myself disconnect from the corpse of our relationship, refused to let it die a natural death , and feel the grief. In my prolonged denial of how seriously flawed our relationship was, I tortured myself with hope. Hope that was unfounded on reality, malignant hope that my son might survive inside this corpse of a soul.
Had to pull the plug
Eventually there came a time when I realized that the relationship was not repairable. I could not, medicine could not, nothing could fix the relationship, and in addition the relationship on life support was poisoning everything about itself—including me. It was requiring all the energy I had to keep it as the living dead. It was a source of contagion that used my energy, infected other relationships around it and me. I had to pull the plug and let it go, in order to survive.
I actually had a memorial service for the boy that was, the little boy I had grown to love so much, oh gosh was he cute, but he’s no longer living, and my relationship with him is only in my memory. Just as my late husband and I are only in my memory. Yet, by letting both of them go, and doing the appropriate and painful grieving, I have released those good memories to be enjoyed and loved the rest of my life.
Nothing should outlast its time. When something is dead or broken and can’t be fixed, it is time for us to let it go. Cherish the memories if we can, but let the rest of it go.
Bluejay {{hugs}} My belief holds that we aren’t being “tested,” at all. My personal belief is that we are mortal, imperfect human beings, and that much of what we experience is just part and parcel of the Human Condition. How we choose to pull ourselves out of our individual situations determines whether we choose to become stronger and wiser, or not.
If there IS a “test” of our mettle, then it’s a personal test that we’ve taken upon ourselves through our own choices and actions, and not thrown into our faces by any entity determined to teach us a Life Lesson. I lost my faith a couple of years ago – there was no justice, there was not accountability, etc., so why even bother with faith? Well, my abandonment of my personal beliefs taught me one thing: God wasn’t responsible for my experiences, at all. I was responsible for involving myself with people who fit the profile, and THEY were responsible for the things that they did to inflict damage. Plain and simple. God had nothing to do with any of it, and I had to take back my beliefs, one-by-one, and determine whether I was going to heal and grow, or give up and give in.
I do, however, believe that God, the Creator, intervenes – not in the sense that there’s this lightning bolt that zaps everything into safety and healing, but that tiny messages are whispered into our minds, and options of healing and personal growth are tossed out onto our healing paths. It’s up to us to either pay attention to the whispers and make healthy choices, or not.
This, too, shall pass, Bluejay. All things are temporary, even the most atrocious situations with a spath – it’s all temporary.
Brighest healing blessings to you!!!
Dear Buttons,
Isn’t that amazing that so many people walked by without even stooping to ask “are you okay?” (Head shaking here)
Back in 1969 I was in a car wreck in the middle of “Nowhere” New Mexico on I-40 and a couple from NJ stopped to help us and stayed with us like 2 hours until the medical transport (a hearse in those days!) got there, even called back from the next town on their route. I never got their names…but I always feel like if I get a chance to help someone else, I am thanking them. There have been others along through the years who have in some way passed a kindness on to me or come to my rescue or comforted me in distress—total strangers I’ll never see again, but I do believe I have “entertained angels unawares” more than once.
ps how are things going with Mike?
OxD……I agree that these people are angels unwares. And, it’s sort of like that movie, “Pay It Forward.” That recently happened at some diner, up here. This couple went up to pay their breakfast tab, and they discovered that someone had already paid for it. In turn, they paid the tab for the next customers, and this went on for the rest of the day! Good acts that are done with the only motive being an expresion of kindness are always rewarded by something in like kind.
Mike’s settling down, especially after his experience of being told, “NO,” by his spath brother to arrange for him to go back to VA. I think that he experience the proverbial slap in the face after all of the assurances that the spath brother would Rambo him out of here, the minute that Mike wanted to leave.
Mike’s also getting a bit creative and motivated – he’s created a business website for graphic arts services, got “hired” by a gal to help around her property, and is in the process (even as I type) of developing a unique woodcraft product to sell at craft shows and tourist shops in the area. And, he came up with this idea on his own, without ANY prodding from us!
Yeah, the healing path is bumpy, but the moments of progress are (simply put) beautiful in their singularity.
Brightest blessings to you, and HUGE HUGS!!! {{{{{{}}}}}
Der Buttons,
It must have come as quite a shock to him that his Spath brother didn’t hold up on his promise to him to whisk him away from your evil clutches! LOL That is the kind of stuff he will find empowering when he starts to get his feet under him and is more independent of the spath brother. If mike can get to the point he is independent he may totally NC with the brother. I think as long as mike feels dependent on someone (anyone) he will hold on to the brother, but once he gets to feeling self dependent or independent, he may not feel such a “need” to believe the brother’s lies. He may also see that you are not the evil witch you were painted to be. Funny too that spath brother would want him to come there seeings as how you are so evil! LOL Yet, spath bro may not want him, but he does want to keep control. Ah, the games they play!
OxD……..you’re spot-on about Mike’s independence. We are resisting the urge to “assist” him in many instances. I’ll tell him that he needs to make an appointment, but he has to MAKE the appointment, etc. Eventually, it will progress into, “Do you think you need to call the doctor for an appointment about that?” etc., to finally leaving all of his business (and, obligations) in his own hands. This is going to take a long, long (dare I say it, again?), LONG time for Mike. This is the first time in his life that he’s in charge of making decisions for himself, and it’s very scary for him. Later, he’ll become accustomed to the feeling of being in control, and look foward to making decisions, even if they’re not good ones! 😀
I can only imagine how Mike felt when he was begging to be brought back to the spath brother, only to be dismissed so completely. I think that was a moment of singularity for Mike – spath brother says this and that, and won’t follow through with his word. Wow.
Long road, but there are many hands to hold his elbow when he stumbles! 😀
Brightest blessings!
Wini and Buttons,
I will think about what you both had to say. Thanks.
Buttons,
I was happy to hear that one person stepped up to the plate, helping the woman who fell, you. That was great! Also, your news about your son was encouraging, feeling happy for him.
Bluejay, you’ll find whatever works for YOU, I promise. This is just temporary!
HUGS!!!{{}}
Oxy, thanks for this. I’ts interesting that you wrote this just as I was pondering some ideas about forgiveness.
I was thinking about how many years I stayed in hopeless relationships, (two) and marveling at the fact that most of that time was spent harboring resentment, and continuing to accept the unacceptable…ther were so many deal-breakers that I can’t even count them…and I was thinking about the old cliche, “no I didn’t divorce him, I forgave him and stayed”.
Forgiveness is somehow equated with not leaving.
For me, not leaving was just denial…I remained angry.
It was only after accepting the fact that the union was doomed, that I could move on and work through the anger and come to a truce with it, so to speak.
I’m not sure I’ve forgiven 100% but I’m pretty close, now.
Does that make any sense?
That (two) in my post above means number of relationships,not number of years…sigh, wishful thinking.
Hi, Kimmie,
Of COURSE it makes perfect sense. We have to learn that “forgiveness” does NOT mean that we TRUST them again or sign on for more abuse. It simply means we no longer feel BITTERNESS.
That was the exact same problem I had. I was told (and believed) that “forgiveness” meant “all was well again” even if they had not repented, even if they were continuing to abuse and lie etc.
But when I finally realized that there was NO HOPE for the relationships, just like I could realize there was NO HOPE in a patient that was 80 years old, had had a stroke, couldn’t talk, couldn’t move, and the family was keeping them on a ventilator because they couldn’t stand to “let mama die”—sheesh, my relationships were like that and I was keeping them “alive” artifically and hoping that they would GET UP AND WALK ON THEIR OWN.
I was spending all my energy trying to REVIVE THE DEAD!
When something is truly broken and there is no way it can be reasonably fixed, if it is a body, or a soul, you have to recognize it and LET IT GO. BURY it. ACCEPT that it is gone. MOVE on.
I had very little trouble doing this with medical issues, I never had to even think about what to do with my husband even though I didn’t ‘want to let him go, I knew there was NO way he could live. With my step dad and his cancer, same song second verse. DON’T put him on the life support to start with, keep him comfortable and be there.
Don’t prolong DEATH just because you can’t prolong life.
I did the same thing, Kim, I put the TOXIC and DEAD relationships on life support and I was the only thing keeping them “breathing” but NOT living, they were still DEAD.
Yes, when we enable, when we try to sustain a relationship that is one sided or abusive, we ARE angry all the time, unhappy and miserable. Yet, sometimes we hang on anyway. I did it, you did it, most of us did it. But now we know better and we will DO better. (((Hugs))) I’ve missed you!