Are Things Really What We Think They Are?
Things aren’t always what they seem, that’s for sure. And sometimes things aren’t always what they seem when they are right in your face. People can’t really be persuaded, even if something is right in their face.
For whatever their reasons are, people have to come to their own conclusions about things. And most of the time it’s difficult for family and friends to watch someone they love continue in a path that is harmful to them.
Living In Secret
Those of us who fall into the victim category, well, we live in secret. We live in secret about what is really going on for a lot of reasons. We are in denial of our own circumstances even though we know what we know.
I personally knew for a long time something was wrong, something was strange, something was “off”. I couldn’t put my finger on it, I couldn’t make sense of it. It was bizarre at times. I had to ask myself if what I thought I was seeing, I was really seeing.
Of course, the convincing manipulation of the sociopath will successfully pursuade you that what you are seeing is not what you think it is, but it is in fact, all made up in your head. This is where the mind games begin. These are the early stages.
Why Do We Stay Quiet?
There comes a point in time where you begin to feel embarrassed about having put yourself in the situation that you are now in, while at the same time you really have no clue what kind of situation you have put yourself in. But you keep it to yourself. Why? I don’t really know.
I never told anyone about anything. I guess I didn’t really know what to do with it; I didn’t know what to make of it. Am I talking about the shadows he lived in? Yes. Am I talking about the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome? Yes. Am I talking about the pathological lying? Yes. Am I talking about the complete disregard for me as a human? Yes. Am I talking about the emptiness and inability of that person to be able to feel anything? Yes. Am I talking about the twisted manipulation to make you think you were loved? Yes.
And yes to a lot more things that we know aren’t normal, we know aren’t right. Yet we live in secret as we sink further and further into confusion, then frustration, then despair, and ultimately complete rage.
Looking Back
If I had to look back, I knew that there was infidelity for sure when I was pregnant with my first child. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it was continuing for years after that as well.
I remember walking through the pet store pushing the basket reflecting on what I knew that I knew. I knew how difficult it was going to be to leave. I told myself, “I’m just going to leave it like this for right now, I just don’t have the energy to fight this right now.” And then I began to take those thoughts and cover over them, for years.
Dangerous Territory
And you know what? This is the scariest part of this whole thing: By the time you realize what you have gotten yourself into, you are too destroyed and depressed to have the engery to get yourself out.
It is a combination of an act of God himself, a small spark of a human drive to survive, and a little push from a few outsiders that love you, to get you to the point of even having the ability to make a decision to remove yourself from the insanity.
Our Own Personal Fight
But until then, you are in secret. A volcano ready to erupt. A quiet, secret volcano. A rumbling in your spirit begins to steam out the top; lava starts to ooze out and rush down the sides, buring everything in it’s path and then, the explosion. This is road that is ahead of us that live in secret. We must make a decision to make a decision.
Is It Really My Fault? A Victim Fights Back Against Victim-Blame
Great post!
Secrets…it is often simply too difficult to get anyone else to understand what we are dealing with, so we just keep things to ourselves.
I am always afraid that I will sound manic or crazy, if I tell others about the SP in my life. I always think, too, that everyone has their own problems.
Keeping a secret may be the human condition.
This post really hits home exposing the “glue that holds us there,” highlighting the nylon-like psychological ties that outsiders cannot seem to break to help to release a victim from their Sociopath.
It also reiterates the strength of the isolation that the victim feels in their relationship with their SP… who often has succeeded in isolating them from their friends and family, sometimes also physically (moving them to another town or country) and mentally – luring their victim into circumstances so layered, they become devoid of believing in their own intuition (which has often been screaming out), emotionally exhausted from the SP’s drama and entangled in the love they feel for the SP vs evidence of betrayal, deception and downright disrespect.
“It is a combination of an act of God himself, a small spark of a human drive to survive, and a little push from a few outsiders that love you, to get you to the point of even having the ability to make a decision to remove yourself from the insanity.”
This statement is the key, all these elements combined at the exact right moment is what it took for me to be done with my SP… a man who had infiltrated my life, pushed my family away, repulsed my friends and held me captive with his “It should only matter what I am telling you” murmurings, cleverly woven stories, blame reversal and triangulation.
My volcano erupted – I kicked him out, all the while wretched with physical and mental anguish of separating from the SP. An intense 15 month relationship on it’s way out.
Inevitably, like the swollen tide, he drew me back in – craving my kind of attention to feed off, stating he was living lonely… “Come out to dinner with me?” “You don’t want things to be like this, do you?”
“I need you to help me decorate, you always did this for us, I don’t know where to start…” “What are we doing for Christmas as a family with our two boys?” (He had a child and I also have a child from a previous relationship, they had become like brothers during our time living together).
My love was still there for him and we both knew I was weak, I also knew I had to END it for ME.
So I sought the truth the only way I knew how. I found out where he was living and randomly drove out there (he never thought I would find it) – sure enough he was living with another woman (someone I had met, had been told was a worker/old friend, but I since found he met her online and they had been dating for the past 10months! Including sleeping together in my house while I was on holiday overseas).
Their lovey dovey picture was hanging on the wall, with a fully decorated Christmas tree in the front room. That was IT for ME. Finally explicit confirmation of the pathological web of lies he had spun around me and my son. The SECRET could no longer be kept… I couldn’t hush my own thoughts and horrific wonderings anymore – as all that had gone before, all he had sweetly talked his way out of, was now blatantly and obviously the truth.
As an empath to a fault, I tried to do what I could for the other woman… she too was oblivious to his double (possibly triple/quadruple life)… I left notes on their door that day exposing him. She met with me and over the course of three hours I told her everything I knew – including the dubious stories of girls gone before (who I now know were warnings to me)!
She admitted her friends felt he was a liar, he had unknowingly involved her in criminal activities (such as harbouring stolen goods), that he had told her I was a friend but that we had an arrangement where he would pretend to be in a relationship with me for the sake of me keeping custody of my child (I have always been the main custodian), and showed shock and horror as she realised she had been sleeping with him in my bed while I was away for two weeks (surrounded by our dear family pics! Which she was led to believe were all a rouse).
She left that day – the next person to be “Living in Secret with the Sociopath.” She text me saying she had friends around her and was finding a way out. That was 6 weeks ago – they are still together, posting pics of themselves holidaying overseas with his fake smile plastered on his face and her eyes brimming with vulnerability. So it seems she succumbed to the band-aid lies of the Sociopath once more and is choosing to stay. Poor girl… as time goes on he just gets worse. As it stands – I have now also become aware of another two girls he is having relations with, one of which is one her FB page (and she is none the wiser). Part of me yearns to do something, do more… but I can’t – it’s her decision, her life, her time to play investigator or turn a blind eye.
Oh the damage these secrets do.
AnnaMolly
I am so glad you were able to break away. I also warned one of the women my SP was dating while he was married to me in an email. I found her email and the incriminating evidence of their affair on email and the trips they were planning to other countries, and I told her that he was a pathological liar and that I had been putting up with him for 7 years and that he would eventually do the same to her. After that, I just let her be.
I had numerous warnings myself, pretty big warnings, and I failed to listen. Like you said, it’s their own decision as it was ours, and I believe we as empaths had the best intentions. I wouldn’t wish anyone to be in a relationship with a sociopath except for another sociopath themself, and that would never happen because they would never be attracted to someone as selfish as they are.
I hope you are on your path to healing. Stay strong!
You’re a dear to have warned her – there’ll come a day when she’ll remember it and wish she’d simply listened. Time lost, craziness gained, damage control, ouch.
Just recently, my dear husband of 22 years – the mystery exposed, not yet the psychopathy, just admitting abuse. As though I could’ve missed it? Hah! it took many days to get him to say the word, the “A” word and it was like pulling teeth. Abuse. Ahh the challenge of avoiding expletives, too bad, because they do help pack that punch. Even then, his admitting – yes, the past six months he had raised the bar on psychological torture and the years before that were no cakewalk. But a funny thing happened on the way to Bob’s ground zero.
Stay with me on this ride, this bumpy hayride. In the way past – it was a dark and stormy night , nooooo, it wasn’t. It was a beautiful summer day, and I don’t recall exactly what he’d said, but I told him he was mean.
Ooooh. That’s a new face. Hmmm. New sound. “Sarah called me that.” Sarah was a lady with whom he lived for about 17 years. Helped raise his kids, loving, genuine, did homework, sports – a good cook and stepmom, and loved him dearly. Hmmmm. He didn’t like that Sarah had called him mean. He was mean. Little did I know, this was just the entryway to Bob’s Funhouse. Now, I’d met Sarah once, regular lady, interesting, smart, and decent. That was a long time ago. 18-20 years go by and this bad boy needs to be lanced, it’s gonna blow, it ain’t pretty. Between the gas bill for gaslighting, the torment of the silent treatment for many days at a time, smiling through holidays ruined, the self confidence that was slowly eroded to the bone, becoming an invisible non person, who when she said that she was lonely, was told to get a dog, well, inevitably rose the inability to stand up for myself….ah! You get the picture. Some seismic activity going on here, in this relationship. Some sleepless nights and wet pillowcases and a lot of moments complemented with furrowed brows – mine. But if only I had been ..good…lol.
Now, I couldn’t stand up for myself. Just. Couldn’t. And then, for some reason, I thought of Sarah. The referee calls time out. The yelling stops.
“Did you do this……to Sarah?” I’m suddenly feeling a bit like a mama lion and a bad man came near mama lion’s cub. Sarah was a bit younger than me, she started with him at the end of her teens.
“Yes! I did!” He yells.
“Did you give Sarah the silent treatment?” Suddenly the lines between Sarah and Nancy begin to get fuzzy. Blurred.
“Yes! I did!” A forceful declaration indeed!
“Did you confuse her and make her think she was crazy? Did you gaslight her?”
Sarah and Nancy are now sporting some transparent overlays. Is that Nancy? Is that Sarah? Are they blending together? And I thought of who Sarah is today. I thought of driving up to her home and knocking on the door and hugging her. Laughed at the picture in my head. I’d thought – I want to hug this girl, I know what she’s been through. And – I want her to hug me back. She knows. No where else is there this connection, this deep understanding. We loved him, we loved him Alpha and Omega.
“Yes! I did! You should talk to her sometime!!” Staccato, nasty, hate filled tone. Called out, you are. The blade is getting closer to this warm, swollen area.
Well he knew full well that I’d never call Sarah. He’s known me for years – and he’s been part and parcel to who I now am. Of course I’d never call her.
‘Cept I did!!! Yes m’am, I did. What the hell. Off the cuff – I tried to picture it – the last part of Castaway, where she picks up the phone and it’s him……well, she didn’t faint dead away.
I said hey – this is Nancy SoandSo, I’m in the middle of a poopstorm divorce from Bob – can I have your ear for a minute, unless you know, you’re in the middle of something? Yeah, it’s awkward, but what the hell, I can do awkward.
Yeah yeah, sure, awkward’s ok.
I told her that her name had come up. Eeks! How so?
I told her about “mean” and how it’d gotten to the point where I couldn’t stand up for myself, but I had this picture in my head – of a young woman – and that I knew what he had done. I can stand up for her and I’m piggybacking, yes I am. Proxy/piggyback, doesn’t matter, I’m getting it done.
And I told her that I felt that she and I had been in the same accident about 20 something years apart — high speed, no airbags, head on, rollover, off the cliff, into flames — and we had crawled out, alive – 20 something years apart.
And she shared some of her story. Corroborated everything. Yeah yeah, that too. Lies, silent treatment, oh how awful was that? Gaslights, cheats, eggshells, oh and very mean. Oh, I bet it’s all your fault, right?! Oh yeah. We laughed. How’d you know? Damn! I lost 17 years. I hear ya.
I thanked her very much for sharing what she did – she said hey, don’t take this the wrong way, but you know, and I don’t wish harm on anyone, but I’m really glad that someone out there knows who he is, just who he is. And did she exhale at the end of that. You bet.
There would have been no way she could have warned me. He was too good. And there’s no way I could warn the next one. Maybe leave my phone number on a wall somewhere – at the bottom of the cliff.
Hi Peace in Chaos, it’s only been 2 months of complete No Contact but I feel in control as I have not replied to his nasty text messages (of course him spouting off his final 2c about being the victim!), have blocked him from FB which I know will drive him nuts (as he frequently checked up on girls) when we shared FB together and have a trespass order waiting for him. He has left me alone due to two factors, his new feeder is empath enough for his dramas, he has set himself up a new game with a range of players (unknown to them of course) and he cannot predict the lengths I will go to, to be honest and seek truth in place of his deviance and dishonesty (so protects himself by giving me a wide berth). This all puts me in the path to heal, although it is a very slippery one which I have put my snow boots on to climb” preparation is key ”“ finding support here, talking to a counsellor, keeping busy, investing in myself, being grateful, mindful and doing what I can to prevent this from having a negative affect on others (giving meaning and purpose to my otherwise traumatic personal SP experience). FYI I have often too thought of them meeting their match in a relationship with another SP, perhaps it does happen ”“ if they mimic empath emotion convincingly enough ”“ it would be fitting justice but they would both thrive on the drama.
So much of your story resonates to me about my SP son…
In particular, that ‘fake smile’ of his in all of his pictures…jesus.That stood right out.
I can only imagine how many things that I am not even aware of, nor is she, that caused his and my DIL’s marriage to come crashing down. Every fiber of her being must have been shouting to her to see things and get the hell out.
She did…and is OUT. Thank goodness.
So many of the things that you said happened in their union. The isolation, that wanting her to stay away from her wonderful family, who HE said, were around too much, and interfering in their lives.
The photography side job, a smart guise on HIS part, to escape on nights and weekends…to party atmospheres, and ‘boudoir’ photo shoots, both chock full of other women. The little worm. HE, always putting my DIL down in various ways, like saying she was out of shape since having THEIR children…
Now, because she has discovered that HE is a sham, he torments her, using the children as leverage.
I hope that HE somehow goes away. I cross my fingers for that every minute of every day. Knowing that HE won’t, because he is pissed off that she is smarter than HE thought. HE thought that HE was the smarter one…lol…
Yes the “Fake Smile” my mother hated it when he smiled… and in photos he always kissed me with his eyes open or like to be the real focus in the picture (narcissism profound).
I feel for your DIL sharing children with him, that was one wish I thankfully never granted my SP. They can be diabolical if you let them, but they can also be managed when you know how they work 🙂 Best wishes to you all x
yes…I really wish that they had not had children.
Now, he is tied to all of them.
Living with a spath you are engaging, unwittingly, in a life in zero sum game. http://www.theaugeanstables.com/2009/06/19/the-psychology-of-zero-sum-selections-from-my-current-manuscript/
I have been living in secret with a psychopath for three years…it’s killing me…he is so cruel and evil and hurtful towards me and all behind my back…in front of me he denies it all making me the crazy one…the truth is all I do is support and help him, I have had my pride raped and he has ripped my self worth to shreds but somehow I continued to stay loyal to him and he knows it and he exploits it…but today, I initiated a No Contact in writing demanding that he leave me alone, he was just convicted of domestic abuse of his last 3 month girlfriend and so maybe he is scared and I will be left alone to gather myself again. wish me luck either way!
Zonna,
Glad that you are getting off that hamster wheel. The harder you try the meaner they get. Nothing but complete slavery is what they demand. The first part of no contact is the hardest. Withdrawal symptoms can be very frightening at first. Hang in there.
Zonna, take it one day at a time and seek reassurance from those around you. No Contact is challenging, you have to clearly remind yourself of what you are setting yourself free from everyday and sometimes every hour… as well as what remains that you are grateful for and your hopes for your future. They may try to haul you back in but remember for them it’s all about winning. With No Contact, you are winning.
Thanks for this article! As someone who doesn’t keep secrets, I had a slightly different experience with controlled information. I had never heard of SP behavior (hadn’t yet discovered sites/books/other people with experiences like this) so I felt confused in my marriage and didn’t know why. I’m someone who has no problem talking about my problems. I am also talk about problems in hope of solving them. So, I told everyone who would listen about his weird behavior in hopes of finding out what was happening in my marriage. To a person, the response was something like “Oh, that’s frustrating. My husband did something like that once [7, 8, 15] years ago. It’s normal, just talk to him and tell him it bothers you.” Of course, talking to him about the behavior made it worse, right?
After the toxic divorce, I realized that we as a married couple had had many friends, but they were all in different social circles. I told one person Monday’s incident, another person’s Tuesday’s (different) incident, etc. They didn’t know each other, and therefore couldn’t gossip about my personal life. Yes, you read correctly: I think it would have helped if people had gossiped about me/us. Maybe those friends more likely to be straight with me would have noticed a pattern of behavior and warned me about it. Instead, each friend saw my “complaint” as just a routine, isolated complaint about normal married life. We looked good on the outside–he’s super charming. Only I knew it was happening every day. I knew it was a pattern, but no one else could see it. Each person reassured me that “it” is normal in married life and why am I complaining? I had lost confidence in my judgement, so it took too long for me to understand that the gaslighting, misinformation, redirecting blame, disrespect, etc. doesn’t happen daily in a healthy marriage.
Now that I can articulate this behavior, I know that if it ever happens again I will be able to let others know and get appropriate help.
Also, readers, trust yourself if you think something is wrong. No one really knows what is happening in your house.
Wonderful post! I lived in secret from the beginning. Not only does a relationship with a psychopath require you to live in secret, it also requires you to lie to yourself. The psychopath used my vulnerability and loneliness to lure me into a deviant lifestyle. Initially, I convinced myself he was super sexy and I was his “chosen one” to partake in activities like “swinging” that were actually soul destroying. How could I tell anyone about the things we did? I kept silent because I knew on some level that a man who exploits his woman does not love her. If I’m honest, I knew it was wrong. He too was secretive about his need for extreme sex because he knew that if he was open about his exploitive appetite, his friends/family and people in general would judge him. Living with this secret drove me silently mad and he used it to create an “us against the world” bond.
So, why did I live in secret and lie to myself? I think I did it to get back glimpses of the whirlwind romance of the beginning stage with him. In the beginning, he made me feel alive and perfect and sexy. He told me I was his everything and he was the luckiest man in the world. Who wouldn’t want to be that? No one and the psychopath knows it. He carefully crafts a stage play that slowly becomes a prison. I stayed, hoping that amazing man would reappear. Instead, I started dying inside because I soon realized I was not enough. He needed so much female validation and was constantly needing to triangulate me with other woman. He would have affairs and dangle evidence. Then he’d call me crazy! Yep, I’d have a natural reaction to his bad behavior and he would call me crazy and tell me what I thought happened did not happen at all!.
It took everything I had to get out. I remember the feeling of standing at a crossroads. If I took one path and stayed with him, I knew that I would be forever tortured. If I took the other path, I knew I would agonize, but not forever. The pain would dissipate. And, it has. Time was my friend. Had I stayed, time would have been my death sentence. I will never again believe the words of the person who over flatters. It’s a huge red flag intended to seduce you. A man who isolates a woman into a life of secrets is a man who is a sadist and enjoys torturing others. Yep, I know what he really is, but his forever fan club on social media is forever charmed.
Yes, yes, yes…and more yeses!
You have a normal reaction to what THEY do, and YOU are the crazy one! YES.
If you stay with THEM you will die, at least your soul will. YES.
Their social media fan club(s) hang(s) from their every lying actions and words. YES.
What a survivor you are! Excellent post!!
wow, your experience is so similar to mine…thank you for sharing. I am holding strong on NO CONTACT it’s only been 2 days but I am feeling stronger than ever! It helps that he just started a 1 to 3 month relationship. lol, poor girl!
zonna – Even when the psychopath is with you, he is with “others”too. They’re always juggling. They have to juggle to pacify the incessant boredom they’re always trying to get relief from. When I left the psychopath, I discovered he was having a relationship with a man too ( while we were living together). I don’t know how he pulled that one off. He also had a few FWB’s and had a few people in his rotation that he would “visit” on his way home. Gender didn’t matter. I can’t even call him bi because he has sex with anything. His hunger is for new, different and extreme. I feel sorry for the latest women he has trapped. I can’t warn her because nobody ever listens when they’re in the thick of it. I didn’t either. In time, she will leave because they all do… all the wives, gf’s FWB’s & sex players. They always leave because they all feel the disinterest that eventually consumes the psychopath after he has had his fill.
I can draw so many parallels with your story Betsee, thank you for sharing! My SP also exhibited sadistic tendencies and sexual voyeurism – most to satisfy his lust for control, corruption of innocence, boundary breaking and ultimately the force that drives him – winning.
My SP would often blatantly speak of his “us against the world” outlook (all a lie of course) to make me feel like he was on my team, my biggest supporter, my sharer of all private knowledge, my advocate, his one and only – a strong and trusted companion.
In reality he lived a life adverse to that in every way, but he attentiveness and attention to detail still astounds me, he was nearly always with me, called/messaged me constantly in a seemingly intuitive way!
His triangulation tactics came from every and any angle, his travel agent, his mums friend, past teachers, girls at the gym, women writing to his parents to propose marriage with rewards for his citizenship… even noticing office or retail girls in the streets and swearing they were once interested in him in one way or another – I caught him out in lies several times. The girl/girls he was really involved with he flaunted right under my nose but encased in lies… she’s a friend from farming way back, she has a boyfriend, she’s getting married and I helped her and her husband, she’s a worker etc etc… He told them ludicrous lies about me – she’s my bosses wife, she is a friend I am living with in an arrangement as she needs to pretend to have a partner to keep her son! Goodness, I couldn’t believe they had and do believe that one! He’s learnt his lesson, that I’m too smart and aware and he needs to set his teeth into even more vulnerable, naive and isolated girls.
So I got wise and got out – it is agony as the mindfucking has to come undone and it is relived and has to be rewritten. As therapy for me and to feel like my pain was not for nothing I even tried to help his new prey, but his snake charmer spell is powerful and he continues to tell them I’m in love with him, probably lies about my life and that “I’m the crazy one.”
In time the pattern will repeat with them too as yes, SPs don’t have friends – or love or true relationships, they may have fluff on FB but nothing real exists socially for them.
Everyone…please read this post. It is the best post on SP / Ps of late.
https://leb.fbi.gov/2012/july/psychopathy-an-important-forensic-concept-for-the-21st-century
I just hope that my son is not methodically planning my demise.
Wonderful post! I remember seeking help from friends…interestingly, the ones eith more education and apparent higher awareness were the most destructive by deciding to lay it all in my lap with labels from “sex addiction” to “co-dependency.” They didn’t want this “alien” presence to be real. There is no cure….get out as soon as possible…damn the torpedoes and evsluations of others.
I lived in misery for 12 years. I knew something was very wrong. But I was continuously told I was out of my mind. I was Crazy
I don’t know how I did it but I finally got the strength to leave him. He moved out that day.
After about 6 months of more torture via emails and text I decided that no contact was the only way.
It’s going on year 6 and I have only seen him in person once. In divorce court.
It’s taken so much work to heal from his cruelty. But therapy friends and family have helped greatly.
Don’t give up on yourself If you think something is wrong. Believe me, you’re right You deserve to feel good about yourself and be with someone who respects you.
Brilliant! Yet another aspect of living with a sociopath. Silence has become golden for me. I don’t have to listen to anyone telling me I am with a loser anymore. When they ask now, I only talk good things. Yes, there are good times when he is sweet, caring, loving and thoughtful. However, this very complexed individual has a side to him that is beyond anything I have ever encountered in my life.
Because I have studied psychology I find myself analyzing him and trying to make sense with hopes to perhaps change him. I am not sure why I am so drawn to him as he has nothing other to offer than himself. He came to me under false pretenses and still when I learned all were lies I continued to be with him. I know he probably approached me as the lonely widow and what he could possibly extract from me. He has gotten a lot in some respects, but I am more clever than that. I have gotten some of my needs fulfilled, however it came with a price. His temperament, demanding ways and controlling nature has road me hard at times. The situation is more complexed than I care to elaborate at this time, however, I am looking at my personality as well and realizing no one has ever ruled me. I grew up basically raising myself since age 6 as my mother worked and and when she was not working, she was out. For the most part I was free as a bird to come and go as I pleased. Therefore in my two marriages, my both husbands had little control over me. I find it ironic at this stage of my life that I allow this man to control me.
It has taken me over a year to figure this relationship out and I am still not one hundred percent sure where it will take me. I want to believe somewhere in this man is a heart and what he tells me he believes to be true. I know sociopaths are narcissistic, selfish and cunning. My biological father was one and he basically ruined it for my sister and I because our mother never got over him. How my step-Dad tolerated it is beyond me? I am learning there is a soft side to this man and I believe he possesses the ability to be empathic at times. However, for the most part it is all about what he needs. He is moody and I am learning it may be because of his diet. He is slender, but he drinks way too much caffeine, soda and eats far too much starch along with many sweets. I question if he is diabetic? If he is, this would account for the terrible mood swings. I first thought it was bipolar disorder, I am now believing it is the sugar.
I have a lot of time on my hands because I am caregiver to my elderly mother and probably have had a life that most people dream about. My situation is not unique, however since I have been there and have had that, there is no man that can do for me or love me like my deceased husband. In some respects I believe I have taken on a project. I just pray this project yields some positive results.
Good luck to you all! Stay strong!
Catnoch
Follow your gut feelings, you found this site for a reason. It’s impossible to believe these type of people exists but they do. Continue to read all the resources here that Donny offers. Also, you should check out youtube videos by assc direct. The way he explains the narc personality is straight forward and you will better understand who and what you are dealing with. He has about 16 now they are really great for helping with cognitive dissonance. Good Luck
Sill waiting:
Thank you so much for your input. I will check out the videos as you suggested. This is another off week with SP. He is hounding me to help him buy a car. This has been going on since last Sept. Just when I think I put this nonsense to bed it begins up again. I told him no so he will be punishing me once again. By punishing me I mean not spending time with me or ignoring me. I am beginning to understand his personality and what triggers it.
His other relationships resulted in him getting these woman to buy him or give him a car. I suppose this is his MO. Ask me why I am still with him, I will tell you because he makes me happy most times. But, he can also be a lot of work with his manipulating ways. Also because losing my husband I suppose was so painful, the thought of losing someone again right now is too much for me to handle. I am also looking at an elderly mother who could pass very soon. She could also surprise me and out live me lol! She is 90.
My gut tells me somewhere in there is a man that cares for me. But my gut also tells me he will never be 100% the person he should be or could be. For now I will continue the ride, but if it gets too rocky or rough I will get off this merry-go-round.
Thanks again.
Catnoch
I say this with love. You are only prolonging the pain. We are people with so much empathy it’s to a fault. They are masters at what they do. That’s why we fail victim to them especially when there are other factors going on in our life like an ailing family member. I pray your mom health improves you are going to need all your strength and sanity to deal with her. Deep down inside of him is nothing but a empty soul. They make us feel good , but it’s not real it’s like loving a plant and expecting it to love us back. It’s so very hard but you can do it.The car is so he can go out with a bang. Once he gets it you may never hear from him again. I was like you , they way he touched me his attentiveness made me feel so special. But it was all fake a fraud. Punishment, yes he will play the take away game. Completely ignore you for rejecting him. Remember it’s all about him. Please try to view a few of the videos tonight. View the one why they will never change and the take away game they play. I know from experience my loneliness and other stressful events would send me running back only to return worst than before.Good Luck hun
Lovefraud Today at 6:23 AM
Everything you have said is so true and completely accurate. This situation is the most convoluted mess one could ever get themselves into. This man is married to a woman who allows him to spend almost all his free time with me. She calls him while he is in my bed to wake him up for work. I know I am just as sick as they are for allowing myself to be taken in by all of this.
Last night he pushed my emotions to the edge only to return to acting like he loves me and trying to show me affection after pushing me the limit. Something comes over me that I cannot control when the thought of him never coming back hits me. I am ashamed to say I fall for his crap over and over because of sheer loneliness. This week was a bad week as it was my husband’s birthday and I suppose my emotions are high. I looked him in the eye and told him he has no soul or heart and did not know what the hell I was doing with him. He does not care what names I call him or what I say to him unless he wants to use it as a way to manipulate. i did watch the video on the narcissist. I am aware he is narcissistic, a sociopath, perhaps bipolar and a few other things sprinkled in. I know I am a glutton for punishment.
I have decided to downsize my home and the development where I found this house to build is perhaps a mile away from where he lives. His daughter in law informed me she is looking to move in the fall, so by the time this house is built he will be far from that neighborhood I am sure. It works out good for me with respect it will be closer to the city and close to much activity including the best hospitals in the world.
A few weeks ago I was just about making progress and broke up with him for the umpteenth time. I knew better than to go to a particular place but my friend said oh you can’t let him keep you from going to certain places. I knew she was wrong but I weakened and as this gentleman was speaking to me, sp came up to us and ask the man if I had told him that he was my boyfriend for the last year. He then like a child would poke me on my shoulder each time he would pass by. Then when the gentleman went to the rest room, sp came over and started berating me for speaking to another man. I explained we were split up. I then told the bartender to ask him to leave me alone as he was harassing me and he quickly move away. I don’t remember how we got back together again, but I am sure it involved his suave talking and begging. It was three weeks of peace and quiet and a totally different man when this car business came up again.
He has no qualms telling me of the different women he has had in the past who provided him with a car. His last girlfriend told me she had bought him a car and that he had made payments to her. He admitted to me that she forgave most of the loan when she turned over the title to him for his birthday last year. Funny I thought he was not seeing her last year. She was with him for 8 years. I have been kind enough when I broke up with him to give her advice and I can’t take my own.
I have a good friend who knows me well. She knows the type of lifestyle I had when my husband was on top of his game. She knows I never allowed anyone to rule me and she believes when I have had enough I will cut him loose so fast he won’t know what hit him.
My phone hardly rings anymore because everyone knows he is with me on the weekend. But, there were also times when I was very lonely and my phone also did not ring because everyone else had a life.
For the last ten years my life has not been my own. I had to think long and hard about this move and I believe it is what I need. Although I made this a lovely home, there has not been real happiness here and way too many bad memories.
This past weekend SP helped with some jobs around the house including fixing my fence. He has detailed my car and helps with other maintenance jobs around the house. Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his girlfriend. I feel like I should reward him for his deeds. But, I reward him enough.
The next few days will be interesting as he is hot on the trail for this car. I am not buying him a car, nor am I co-signing. He is going to be very disappointed. His birthday is on March 3rd. I told him the other day I was not going to supply him with funds for a new car. He is so out of his mind because his family (who may just be gypsies) are pushing him to get me to buy another car. The first car I got him last year by filling out the paperwork for him as he does not have a good command of English, and he may very well be dyslectic. (Your head must be spinning by now.) He was able to secure a loan on his own even with his bad credit.
I know I am prolonging the agony, but I am just not ready to cut him loose. I know the day is coming soon. Thanks for your kind words. I pray for strength each and everyday.
Regards,
Catnoch,
It’s very important to be brutally honest with yourself about the feelings, actions, and consequences that comes from disordered people. You are definetly on to healing. Yourfriend says she know you well and knows you will dump him soon. The only problem with that is they take from us what we would call logical thinking. We stay in constance cognitive dissonance while with them and afterwards. The longer we stay no contact the fog starts to lift and we are able to think clearly again. Our hearts tell us it’s all wrong this person doesn’t give a crap. But, our mind is so messed because of the games the spath like to play we become stuck. Sorry, about your husband I know it must be hard. About the phone ringing mind may ring twice a day. Lol, the spath would call all day. I loved the attention that was part of the lovebombing stage. I have pretty much cut myself off from the world due to embarrassment and also. I found the friends I had in the past was almost as worst than the spath. Their loyalty ended when I could longer provide for them emotionally. Feed their ego, support them in their new endeavors. I needed the same but it wasn’t reciprocal. If you can get your mind to line up with your heart you will be fine. I received invaluable advice on here from strong in the city, and so many other wonderful women it’s amazing. I first found this site around August 2015. I was coming out of a relationship with an spath that was on and off for 3 years. I had never on life experience anything like this before. I was in a Physical Abusive relationship for 10 years. The emotional pain was much worst. During the Abusive relationship I was stab, broken nose and eye socket the worse. The spath mess with your mental psyche which last longer can could cause more damage to you mentally. The spath that lead me here was always doing things around my house as well. Everyone I called he came running his sole purpose seemed to just please me. The first discard was the worst left me begging and crying for him to come back. His fake self was to be my saviour he’s an habitual liar and cheater. I would even ?? When does he have time to cheat? He would disappear for a few days and return. We didn’t live together he rented a small house in my community. I have been no contact now for almost 5 months. I met another a few months back, we’ll I have known him about a year. He’s the textbook definition of a narcissist. He’s smart, funny, manipulating and performs for the crowd and cameras. Behind the scenes he’s a cold calculated monster. Super cocky, I knew what he was right off and felt that would work to my advantage it sort of helped. I wasn’t using my heart but trying to control the situation with my mind. (Lost) so now a couple weeks of no contact. I should have known better is what I keep telling myself. Also, women on here warned me to follow my gut. I wish I would have followed their advice. God Bless you
Still waiting:
Thanks for the kind words of wisdom. I am so stubborn and often my own worst enemy. I now have a situation with this car business and he truly believes I am stupid enough to give him cash to buy another car. I will not and he is in for a rude awakening come this Friday. I am not going to break it off, I am going to be smart about it. I know this behavior and I know he will try to play me like a fiddle as he has already changed his personality today because I said I was in touch with a car dealership and have done the preliminary leg work. I have told the salesman I have no intention of cosigning or helping with a deposit and my only role is to assist in the paperwork. When this occurs and he learns I am not going to give up any cash he will drop me like a hot potato.
I am getting very tired of his games and the constant feeling of upset and being on edge. The more I gave the more he wants but I am not giving cash. I have a speech prepared and he is not going to like it.
It is really a pity that so many of the SP’s exist and they cannot be cured. It is truly mind boggling.
Again thanks and all the luck to you as well.
Catnoch,
I hope stringing him alone like you are going to help him get a car will send him running for the hills. Once he’s out spend it will allow you time to heal. You may feel lonely but you can do it. I am sure his wife is planning a exit plan I am sure he’s telling her he leave you after he get the car. He is a very sick person. I can’t believe his wife calls your house to wake him up. I am praying for you.