A new study by Economist David Neumark at the University of California – Irvine found that married, two-person households are not always best for children. The study found that the increased incarceration of minority men contributed to fewer minority high school dropouts.
Read Kids are all right with just mom, on the University of California – Irvine website.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
There are lots of reports and talk about “parent’s rights” but I think it should be CHILDREN’s RIGHTS, not parent’s rights. Children should have the right to be safe and nurtured, but many times because “parent’s rights” are protected over the right of the children to be safe, this is not done. It breaks my heart!
Ox, did you get my note Sun or Mon? I forget what topic I posted it under.
Dear Dancing warrior,
I think I did, but I can’t remember what thread either! LOL CRS!!!!! Today when we were in town my son and I drove over to Radio Shack which is in a part of town we don’t usually go and I saw where a building had been torn down and I said “Oh, I didn’t know they tore that down>” My son said “You said the same thing the last time you were by here a couple of months ago.” LOL I’ve got CRS but all I can do is laugh about it. It bothered me really badly when the plane crash first happened, and it HAS GOTTEN BETTER, but my short term memory still isn’t what it was even a day before the crash. I still have to make notes on things and concentrate really hard to remember things. I use a lot of “aids” like lists and pill minder boxes, and that sort of thing so I don’t forget things. I tie my car keys to my purse so I don’t lose them, but I think I am probably as “good” as I’m gonna get by now.. My psychiatrist told me “your memory will come back” but that was 6 1/2 years ago and it still isn’t good enough for me to hold down a job even if I wanted to. Just glad I am old enough I could retire when I did.
Thank you LL
I’m so sorry to hear that you neither of your parents were fit. And I’m glad to hear that you supported and loved your own children. I was lucky that I had a loving father, and loving grandparents (at least until my Mother moved us away when I was 12). It sounds like you didn’t get even that, which makes your love and dedication to your own children that much more of a credit to you.
There’s another thing that gets me p*** off; so often when people speak about growing up with bad mothers (it’s extremely rare that I’ve ever seen children of abusive fathers face this) the threat of ‘labels’ comes up, with the inference that we are irretreivably damaged and bound to repeat for the next generation. Statistically that’s probably *more* true, but it isn’t always true – it isn’t even mostly true. There are so many good parents who’ve managed to overcome the influence from abusive mothers – and fathers. You’re proof of that.
I made the decision not to have children because I hadn’t been able to get anyone to talk about what I went through and didn’t understand what was going on. All I ever heard were versions of “Well, she did the best she could”, etc… So I really thought that, if that’s the best she could do, that there was a good possibility that I could do the same if I had children myself. I now know that’s not true, but still don’t regret my decision – I just didn’t want to take the risk of passing any of that on.
There is a part of your story that’s more common than you may realize. I belong to a trauma self-help group. Over the last year or so at least 5 of the female members having been struggling with the fact that they were abused by stepfathers, brothers, neighbours, etc… In every case their mother either knew and did nothing, or in some cases set it up to happen. Several were threatened or violently abused when they tried to tell. The stories are awful. One woman recently confronted her mother – her mother’s reaction was horrifically mind-f***ing. I know it doesn’t necessarily help, but I wanted you to know that you’re definitely not alone in that aspect.
Annie….
The doctor knew my mother…small town, back then. I asked him if she was “schitzophrenic”…a new word I learned in high shcool.. He said, “possibly”.
I was afraid to report her. From the outside, everyone thought we were one big loving family…My mother was so charming, everyone thought she was a great mom…because we were dressed well…went to church every Sunday. She was “mommy dearest” …I can’t even watch that movie! I cry so hard!
Anyway, her good was SO good…cooked hot meals for us…did our laundry..house was spotless…dressed us well…etc..
But, the important things…like love, respect, affection, talking to us…was missing.
She was angry, verbally abusive, called us names..hit us..punished us cruelly…and controlled us.
My poor sister….had suicide attempts …ran away from home…did drugs…and has been on Mental Disability her entire life. She is so intelligent and loving …she could have been something great…
She was on meds her whole life.
And I would never want to “shame” her or our family. It would have been humiliating. AND…I felt sorry for her my entire life….hence…”trauma bonding”….!
Annie,
Thank you,I appreciate your kind words.
I also appreciate you sharing about mothers who did the same thing to their children. In this capacity, even with all of my grievous errors in judgment, I truly love my children and could not EVER imagine not believing them. When I found out exP had violated our firstborn son, I was devastated. This came out during his treatment(I don’t want to go into that again right now), and was something completely unknown to me. When I had to confront my son with what I knew, it was no less than DEVASTATING! I hadn’t a clue. He had violated my son while I was at school in the evenings……..
I hated exP for that. But I think I hated myself more because I didn’t know. My three girls told me about the neighbor guy and the statute of limitations had not run out, so the school counselor that they told first, called and then called me…they were afraid to tell me……..they didn’t want to hurt me….yet another devastation, but I stayed by ALL of their sides…..
Even that doesn’t matter, what matters to me is that someone could know that their child was so very violated and not love them or care enough to show them that they are believed…..
IT just devastates me every single time. Because I KNOW how it is not to be believed.
I got slapped straight across the face when I told my mother about my stepfather I still remember the look on her face. SHe hated me with a passion that I cannot describe. To this day, with as much as I love my children, I could never imagine striking my own child if they told me that their father had molested them.
It’s unfathomable to me. And disgusting in every single way.
I”m sorry you made that decision, but I understand why you did, Annie. And if you’re okay with it, then that’s a good thing. Iwish more thought that way sometimes, but given your posts here, I think you would have been a great mom 🙂
I hope you feel complimented by that.
Bless your heart.
LL
tobehappy,
((((hugs)))) (if that’s OK)
LL
We were posting at the same time. ((((hugs)))) to you too. And I appreciate your kind words – more than I can say.
(((((((((((((((( annie )))))))))))))))))))))))
🙂
Thanks!
We are survivors! HUGS back atcha!