When individuals are jealous-fueled, what is happening? One thing that’s happening is that they are often looking for rage, looking to rage, in all the wrong places.
So this is important to establish up-front: The jealous-laden individual is using his jealousy as a basis to unleash his stewing rage. He is using jealousy as a means to feel rage; to feel outrage; to feel, somehow, self-righteously betrayed; and finally, to justify (through his jealousy) his pursuit of these feelings.
Thus, he is looking, contriving, convincing himself that the basis of his fury is legitimately, suspiciously, here”¦or there!!”¦or there!!”¦or here!!”¦or over there!!
Regardless, he will find the basis for his suspicions whenever it suits him—whenever, that is, he seeks a rage catharsis through his jealousy. From his suspicions, he will immediately rationalize the rapid escalation, and release, of his righteous indignation, which he will almost instantly transmute into expressions of jealous rage.
In his rage, you (his target) will naturally be declared guilty even without his having informed you of the accusations against you. It’s almost as if, in his arrogant grandiosity and sense of entitlement, you barely deserve to know the accusations he’s leveling.
After all, you should know them without his having to inform you, because you are guilty of them!! Who are you kidding?! Who are you trying to dupe, playing the innocent?!!
In such fashion he ratchets up, equally rapidly, his paranoia, convincing himself that you are weaving a real deception, really making a joke of him, the thought of which further primes his paranoia and escalates his self-justified fury.
To be sure, you are guilty of something treacherous. He knows it, he’s convinced himself of it. He believes that you too, of course, know it, but just don’t want him to know it. So he assumes a kind of paranoid omniscience. He is soooo smart, way toooo smart to be had; thus, you must be patronizing him with your innocent, shellshocked reaction.
As if he is going to fall for the pretense of your bewilderment? To the contrary: it will merely makes him legitimately more incensed.
And so the jealous rager, consciously or subconsciously, in conformity with his aim, puts you in a lose lose position: admit what he accuses you of (that is, falsely confess), and even more hell will break loose! Tell the truth, of your actual innocence, and more hell will break loose!
You are like the suspect in the interrogation room on whom he, the interrogator, in his smug conviction, believes he has all the evidence; like the suspect with whom he is toying as he watches you (from his warped perspective), and derives a perverse pleasure in watching you, try to squirm your way out of the guilty, damned status he has arrogantly, smugly stamped you with.
The jealous rager, in this fashion, will enjoy, perversely, the process of (from his warped perspective) watching you dig yourself deeper and deeper in a hole that he has made for you, that he set you up to fall into, and then assured that it will have all the escapability of a quicksand pit.
Rather, it is a pit into which, from his warped perspective, he watches you sink little by little, lie by lie, evasion by evasion, omission by omission, inconsistency by inconsistency, into his “doghouse,” or really his “hell-house,” inside of which he will slam the door shut, bar your escape, and menacingly confront you, seething with the self-righteous fury of the betrayed, entitling himself to “payback” for the treachery of which you, of course, innocent, in the abusive forms he chooses.
This sheds some light, perhaps, into the mind of the jealous rager.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hi candy – actually, you can edit things – click on edit and a little box will pop up and you can make the changes and ‘save’ them. i use it a lot as i am a very fast and bad typer – and don’t habe much patience for typing in a box that is 3″ long.
jeannie812
OMG, this is exactly what Jim did to me.
I never thought Jim to be the jealous type cause he ditched me every chance he got. I learned in small/big ways that he is jealous.
I was out at bar with neighbors and Jim. I bought Jim a drink and then bought other people a drink. A guy came up to me and planted a kiss on my mouth.
The guy was cute. I gotta admit that I was flattered and I giggled and blew rasberries, and snorted.
Jim got so outraged by this. He was ready to go at the guy. More than that he was pissed that I bought someone else drinks. Instead of buying Jim’s drinks.
Jim never got over that. He made waves at that bar and made me out to look like a tramp of the bar.
Please don’t tell me that staying away from the bar will solve things, cause I only go there maybe 3X a year? And only go there with my neighborlady and leave with her.,
jeannie812
Merry Christmas by the way!
I get so caught up with this stupid shit that I forget to do the important thing such as wishing a happy holiday.
super chic
Merry Christmas Jeannie!
ErinBrock
Tequiiiiillllla and eggnog? NICE!
I’m pulling it together…..Man was today rough!
Woke up to a million calls…..one being my cousins wife….who said…we’d really like it if you came down for X-mas with the kids…..I said great….except one thing….parents are going to be there…..so NO CAN DO! Come up here!
She said they are staying for 10 days!!!!!! And sleeping on an air matress in my aunts living room.
My aunt is very concerned about this but doesn’t have the balls to tell them they can’t sleep there……my uncle has ‘sun downers’ and get’s spaceship freaky at night. My parents drink like fish……and probably NOT a good combo.
I told her that I just refuse to ‘play’ the nice game of denial any longer…..and it would be miserable for them all.
She’s concerned that they will berate her middle son as they did the last time….I told her…..well show your son you’ll stick up for him and tell them to fuck off, the kids off limits…..or something similar.
Poor kids a bit depressed and doesn’t NEED my parents shiat! Shut it down before it starts.
They have nothing to do with their own gkids…..(my kids), so why would they pick on yours.
Anyways……had a nice time with kids at my gf’s house….it was a nice attitutde adjuster.
I still feel very emotional……but only teared up twice……and that was when Jr showed up for dinner there and gf’s hubby made a toast.
She’s such a doll to me……includes us in everything, sh’es a special friend indeed!
Funny thing was…..I’ve known her for years but never been close…..she used to play softball with spath…..and listen to all his degrading remarks about moi. She backed off from him……..
I planned her wedding a few years ago……and we would spend days out of the week at my house drinking tea/coffee….and chatting. She asked me about the ‘demise’ and we hit on that…..her ex is a spath too…..I knew him and hated him!
She says that she never knew, but always thought it was weird how he spoke about me for years.
Now she is very clear.
She feels bad that we’ve known each other since our kids were little and we never bonded until past few years……I told her we wern’t ready…..I didn’;t bond with anyone…..I kept peeps at arms length…..
I have known her new hubby for years too…..he’s a GEM!
It’s so beautiful they have found each other! He adores her!
I’m so lucky to have her support and friendship.
Okay…..so……upwards and onwards.
Thank you all for the support you offer……me and each other!
That is really the best gift we can give each other……a hand to hold tightly too when things are looking low.
XXOO to all my Lf friends……..
Merry Christmas!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Merry Christmas EB –
…garnished with whisps o’ bear fur!
it’s the locust time of year – the swarm of crap descends and we have to run for our safe havens. i am glad you have one in your gf.
Ox Drover
One-step, you are full of them, and right on it is “THE LOCUST TIME OF YEAR!” LOL The swarm of carp that floods us all with misery if we try and pretend “we are a nice normal family” and get together for a faux “Norman Rockwellian Christmas/Holiday” with all the dysfunctional blood relations. (I won’t call them family–because “family” are the people whoo LOVE us!)
EB, sugar, you are fortunate to have your girlfriend, and she is fortunate to have you for her friend. That’s what friendships are all about! Loving and caring about each other. We bond when the time is right on both parts. AND that shared history means more than you realize I think. To a great extent that shared history is what friendship is about.
EB, your cousin’s wife is just going to have to learn the hard way that you have to set boundaries—-and poke holes in the blow up mattresses. “Sorry but we closed our free hotel and flop house for drunks.” LOL
To everyone a “Merry TOWANDA and an SPATH-FREE NEWY YEAR!”
lesson learned
Merry Christmas Everyone!
EB, I hope this finds you feeling a lot better!!! You inspire me, as the rest of you do here…
I”m feeling down today. Really struggling with “missing him”. I’m tempted to contact, but I won’t.
Any ideas on how to get past this part of it? It’s this very thing that sucks me back in every single time! He’s trolling me online, but saying nothing, and for that I’m grateful! Staying strong, just feeling vulnerable. Also missing my bio fam. I’ve not been in contact with them for a long time now. It’s really hurting me that the people I loved the most, don’t love me at all. I WISH the pain of that would go AWAY!!
I’m struggling with things inside myself. It’s not ALL gloom and doom because I have friends and my children and grandchildren who DO love me and whom I love DEARLY!!!
Any advice? I just keep praying that I’ll STOP feeling this way!!
super chic
lesson learned, just know that you are the one with the power now, he can’t control you anymore because you know the truth of what he is, you won’t get your “fix” because you know it’s all a lie. You miss your “fantasy” of what you thought he was, it’s not real, so even if he was there it would be empty. He’s trolling you on line because he is trying to figure out if you still have some kind of weakness he can take advantage of. It’s always about them, and they always have an agenda. You’ll get through the holidays without him and feel stronger, you’re enjoying yourself with your friends, children & grandchildren… and not feeling hurt by what he is doing, it’s peaceful, if he was in your life right now… you would be upset & devastated about SOMETHING, like him not showing up for Christmas at all, with some stupid excuse. He will slowly drift out of your mind so that you don’t think about him constantly, that’s whats happening to me.
Ox Drover
Dear Lesson learned,
It will pass, but it is like some things that can’t be rushed, it TAKES TIME…you can’t get a baby in one month by getting 9 women preggers, it still takes 9 months to make a baby! It takes TIME to heal from emotional losses and wounds.
Just stay No Contact, and that means no looking at face book etc. and also when you find yourself thinking about him, make yourself do something else mentally, SING A SONG, COUNT YOUR MULTIPLICATION TABLES, it takes about 90 seconds to get the thoughts of him out of your head but it works. The brain can only think of one thing at a time, so make yourself think of something else.
You are on the right road toward healing, just put one foot in front of the other.