By | December 15, 2010 82 Comments

How American child rearing practices lead to ADHD and bullying

More and more children are being diagnosed with disorders such as ADHD and autism. Dr. Gabor Maté of Canada says that the root cause is that the nurturing environment necessary for proper child development has collapsed in America, leading to children who are emotionally detached and have difficulty controlling their impulses. This 60-minute interview is fascinating—be sure to watch it all.

Or, to save time, just scroll down below the video options to read the transcript. (Thanks to Skylar for the suggestion.)

Dr. Gabor Maté on ADHD, bullying and the destruction of American childhood, on

Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.

Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
Notify of

awesome article. I read the transcript below in about 10 minutes, you don’t have to spend 60 minutes watching it.
Thanks Donna.


Skylar – Read this thanks, some interesting points.

One thing I noticed about my spath was that he stood back, weighed up what reaction he would get.

He had obviously learnt to weigh up his mother’s reaction/mood before he approached her.

Going back to the first time we met, he stood at the bottom of the escalator waiting for me to go down.

When he met new people he stood back, said nothing, again judging their attitude.

When I sent him packing he would come back, stand across the road, waiting.

Once he had worked out the person he would jump in as Mr Nice Guy, full of charm, chat (yuk)

He hated it if I walked away from him (rejection) chased after me to make amends.

Just these little things which I have thought about since I threw him out.

It makes a little more ‘sense’ since I read this article.


What a concept, raising and loving your children. Who would have thought this a good idea? sarcasm to the ninth degree.
I have been telling folks this for years. NONO they need to interact with children. BS and BS. Again this goes back to the fact that we have become lacks in our duties and have passed the buck to teachers and schools and then complain because “they” who ever “they” are can’t control their classroom and teach. What a crock. If you are not part of the solution YOU are the problem. This is my pet peeve. Trying not to get worked up over this—-but then again it needs to be shouted to the roof tops until everyone and I mean EVERYONE gives a damn.
This is an awesome read. Thanks again for providing me with good brain food.
Common Sense just isn’t as common as it use to be.
Will print this off and give to my children.
Sometimes I think we are preaching to the choir.
Night all—need to get to sleep.


I hear ya!
But here’s the clincher. It’s not WHAT you tell people, it’s WHEN you tell them. They have to be in a state of disintegration. This is the moment you experienced every time you had a WTF? moment. Even more, the day you discovered you had lived with a SOCIOPATH. Whenever you come to the realization that your perception of the world was clearly WRONG, (THE MATRIX MOMENT) that is a state of disintegration and it is the moment when you are open to a new reality. The spaths use this on us with their lies. But we can use it to show others the TRUTH. Watch for those moments, when people have had their world turned upside down. And yes, children do have that happen more often, especially around age 12 as they are experiencing a quickening of growth.


I hope more people read this transcript, it was really great and helped me move forward a lot. Bump.


Of course that is the paradim shift we have talked about. In order to recieve the MESSAGE one must awaken from the Sleeping Beauty Syndrome.
Let me state that the S I encountered did not get the opportunity to scam me, I realize after reading many article both here and elsewhere, how lucky I am to have come out with very little residual damage. B/C of my cogitative thinking, which clued me in, even though I had many WTF moments; helped me. Is he charming and cute, funny YES! but the childessness and lack of deeper conversations clued me in to his lack of connection.
I learned a long long time ago that engaging in a shouting match is a lose lose situtation–it fustrated him to the maxs and he even accused me of gas lighting him! Enough is enough is enough. I accept and embrace my part in this relationship, it has opened up other doors of learning.
When my grandchild acts up he’s not being mean or disobient, he’s trying to tell me in non-verbal language, HEY YOU, I NEED SOME ATTENTION HERE, PLEASE PLAY WITH ME.
That dosen’t mean I give him my undivided attention for hours on end but I do stop whatever I’m doing and pay attention to him. Sometimes it’s only 5 min sometimes longer, until he has the fulfilment he needs to feel loved and secure. We must plug in and stay plugged in. It’s the laziness of parents to dimiss their children and then have the audacity to lay blame and accusations on a “broken” system for the child’s misconduct. I always say look at the trees first and there in lies the problem and the solution. All you have to do is watch SUper Nanny to get it. Herein lies the underlining problems THE PARENTS are probably rearing their children in the same manner as they were or even worse. The skill is not there. It’s work to rear children, hard work. Most do not want to or refuse to put the energy toward the process—it will interfer with their nighty TV show or girls/boys night out.
I’m stopping here—I’m ranting I know!! Sorry, I mean no harm. As I said it is a pet peeve and child abuse of any form will set me reeling.
Thank you for listening and posting. Have a Blessed day all!
Stay Strong Stay Safe Stay Sane

kim frederick

Seeing clearly, I worka full time job as Nanny to my two youngest GK’s and it is a job. One is three, and the other turns two this month. He is full on into the terrible two’s. Talk about entitlement! Demands! Temper tantrums! But it’s a normal part of his development.
But he is 2, not 22, 32, or 42. It is so amazing how like 2 year olds spaths are. It really brings to light the truth about their arrested development.


Excellent post Seeing!


Seeing Clearly,
You do see clearly!
According to the article the children are raising each other and not having contact with their parents. In addition, the parents are so infantile themselves that it might be more detrimental. I’ve met some very mature 16 year olds that I wish were my mom!
This is just another reason why poverty is so destructive in that it distracts people from the essential acts of nurturing their children and even if they climb out of it, the damage to the children is done and can persist from generation to generation.
It’s why psychopaths are trying to destroy our economy. They want to see more suffering and more creatures like themselves being made.
It’s essential that we pull back the curtain and break the spell.
Expose the red flags and teach everyone how to recognize infantile/psychopathic behavior.


Hi Kim,
It’s amazing how LF allows us to talk about things until they are clear. Was it you who introduced the concept of “voicelessness”? I think so.
That idea has stayed with me and I realized that a child has no words to express what he feels, he can only rage cry or charm. Even as he gets older, he doesn’t have too many words. So he acts out, literally acting like he feels inside. He desperately is trying to communicate his emotions so that you will help him “fix” them. The psychopath has that same problem because he is stuck with emotional retardation. When he acts out, it is with much more violence and with the cunning of an adult mind, but still the same root emotional retardation.
Furthermore, depending on the cause of his psychopathy (it could be from brain damage to the frontal lobes), there might not be enough love and attention in the whole world to ever “fix” his emotions, anyway.

kim frederick

Skylar, the word, “infant,” literally means, “without speech” and because we humans enter into the symbolic order at about the same time we learn to walk, we call the service men that go into combat on foot, the infantry.
They also say that there is no language that adequately expresses trauma, and according to Freud and other psychoanalists, the first trauma experienced by all humans is pre linguistic…It is when we recognize ourselves as seperate from the mother…It is because of this trauma that we learn to talk…it is a kind of boobey prize for having to give up the illusion that we are one with her body, and will always have all our needs magically known and immediatly responded to. Once we recognize our seperation, we learn to speak to bridge the gap. But we can never return to the perfect womb
and connection, ever again.
This is what religion is about…we seek unity with God as an answer to our lost connection.
Did you know the words Sacrid, and Sacrililiac have the same root? This again harkens back to the idea that religions started being developed about the time we humans began walking upright. That is also when language became possible, and also when, for the sake of community, humanity instilled the incest taboo. It’s fascinating stuff.
You can read more about it by googling Jaque Lacan.

kim frederick

I guess you could call that the Psychoanalitical theory of Literature.


Fascinating! thanks


Fascinating and to some degree probably right on target about what our children need… What I disagree with is the slam at capitalism. We have not had real capitalism in this country for some time – we have a completely different situation. In socialism and marxism the goal is to break the family unit up in order to get the kids into public or government run care – childcare and then school – in order to indoctrinate them. In fact – it has been published that Gloria Steinem and her MS. Magazine was funded in par by government operatives with a goal of getting more women in the work force in order to have more people that taxes could be collected from and in order to increase the need for the government to raise our children. This I am totally opposed to – it takes the nurturing and love our babies need and leaves them at the mercy of people who are not psychologically or emotionally bonded to them. I work for myself – I could make a lot more money if i worked more and was with my kids less but i chose to be self supporting – my babies went to work strapped to my chest in a baby Bjorn or playing in my office for the first year of their lives. I did not want my kids raised by someone else and after they were one year they rarely spent longer than 5 hours in any childcare setting and quite much less until it came time for Kindergarten and I sent them to half day. Yes there are financial repercussions for me and them but we have a relationship I don;t see many of their friends Mom’s having with their kids…


Breckgirl, You are my kinda woman. I am clapping my hands for you. Did the same thing and both my children are good citizens standing on their own two feet. They use to say “I hate you for_____(fill in blanK) I would say that’s ok I still love you and it is my responsibility to keep you safe. Now my adult children call me everyday and always say I love you Mom that is worth all the money in the bank. How can it not be. All that hard work and worrying has paid off. I know they will be ok. How awesome is that. Break the Cycle, Break the Cycle, Break the freaking crazy Cycle.



You think there was a conspiracy theory behind the publication of Ms. Mag? I don’t believe it for a minute. The feminist movement is not a socialist or marxist movement.

If we have anything to fear in the US, it’s the FASCISM of people like W.


One and Breck,
I was worried that this conversation would take a political tone. Lots of people blame the feminist movement for the destruction of the family, and liberal values and marxism or capitalism or religion or a particular religion, or how about a race? lots to choose from! there are 2 sexual orientations we can blame.
None of it holds water. In the end any kind of economic theory would work IF THERE WERE NO PSYCHOPATHS!
They infiltrate even the most well intentioned groups of people and they infect it. My spath did this to the water association of all things. When I left we had law suits flying.
Jesus’ message of Christianity is even infected by sicko’s who pervert his message.
They do this in a couple of ways.
1) they attack the group with slander and false accusations or
2) they join the group but behave so scandalously that it gives the entire group a bad name.
George Sorros comes to mind.
but anyway has a good understanding on just how psychopaths are operating around the world. As you yourself have experienced, they con just for the love of the con.


nice job sky. truly truly, what you say is the truth.

I was too. usually don’t voice my opinion about political statements on lf . this time I made an exception. and i have said all i intend to.

I have been involved in a number of political movements in my life, and I now that my generation of ______insert label here_____wouldn’t be in as good a shape as we are if i hadn’t been involved and if i hadn’t stood with thousands of others, or they hadn’t come before me and done a lot of heavy lifting. Yes, there are draw backs to any social change – but, you are correct in seeing the greatest systemic issue: pyscopathy.


what I have noticed is that they love conflict. especially race or gender based. Nothing gets you hotter under the collar than being hated for something that you are and can’t help being. They want to seed shame in us because they are so filled with their own shame. Shame is a deep seated feeling of not being good enough. They know that hook.
Entitlement is another hook. That’s why political arguements works so well to get people angry. It pits us against people who have something we don’t or vice-versa, “hey, how is that fair? they have x and I only have y!” it ties right in with envy.

I love that the spath taught me to look at the emotional tones of an argument instead of being distracted by details.
Now that I have a template on how the spaths work on us, I can see it in every interaction that creates DDDDDRRRRRAAAAAAMMMMMMMAAAAA!


Skylar, The feminist movement is and always has been about empowering women. To free women from the false bonds that many were held in check by. I worked before during and after I had children. My husband KNEW I could and would make it without him if I needed to. It’s like anything else—a choice. Not right or wrong which divides women. I know there are many women who are the sole support of their family. I have seen what it does to women to be alone and struggle. My heart and prayer go out to them on many levels—the whole of the issue is not to go against women but to strengthen them to preserve the family. Bond them for the common good of all.
Bond them not in a sick PS way, bond in a loving and caring community way. It really does take a village.
A family, a community, a state, a nation is only as strong as it’s weakest link. It is up to each of us not only to rebuild ourselves, our children but also our neighbors children. A kind word or deed however small may make a difference in what a child preception of the world is and how she will participate in it.
Good Night—-


sky – i posted to you in the ‘is he a n’ thread and just want ed to make sure you saw it, before the thread drops off the page.


good nite all – the stress of the week is leaving me and i am tuckered out. it’s been a really intense week work wise. and i am just so glad i don’t have to work this weekend.


Dear Donna,
Something very disturbing caught my attention today. I attended a family XMAS luncheon. One of my great nieces had black lue green yellow bruises all over her arms.
When I asked what happened to her I am told that the kids hit each other (High school children) they’re called body shots-BODY SHOTS. WTF!!!! I had to collect my O is for umbrella thoughts. I spoke out and told her this is totally unacceptable behavior. After I spoke out others backed me up especially the 2nd generation (my children and their cousins).
I finally had to take this child aside and counsell her for about 10 mins. Asking her why she thought it is OK to hit and be hit by others. Amazing answers…I almost can not wrap my mind around it all. I told her mother about this site, I can only hope that she comes here. Her mother said it’s just a phase, a phase my arse. This is so dangerous and damaging. I told her parents that they needed to put an end to it and like RIGHT NOW. Man I am so wound up over this my head is spinning.
Has anyone here ever heard of this???? This is the craziest thing I can imagine.


whoa! seeingclearly, this is VERY disturbing.

good job for being all over it. i am so sorry, this must be really shocking.

it needs to come to the attention of her school also, because you can bet some of this behavior is going on there.

Ox Drover

Yes, I find it disturbing….IF it is TRUE that is where she is getting the bruises (I’m not sure how old she is) but there is also reportedly quite a bit of “boyfriend/girlfriend” physical abuse going on by even junior high ages. So I think it SHOULD be investigated and brought to the attention of the school authorities immediately, and that the parents of her friends should also be brought into the loop…there may be more going on here than you think about.

Is it possible that one of the parents is doing this?

I know there have been some CRAZY fads going on like the “smothering game” (which kids were doing for the high they got from the lack of O2 to the brain) Some kid died of it at school and brought it to the media attention. GOOD kids (i.e. not ones on drugs or failing school) get involved in some of these “games”)

I’ve seen (mostly) boys whopping each other on the arms and “trading licks” to see who is the bravest, even back when I was a kid in the dark ages, but if this girl has bruises all over her there is more going there I think than a few stupid pranks.


ONe; it is going on in the school and not only on the arms but true body punches to the back kidneys, chest. This is frightening. My great niece lives in another state. It is totally disturbing. I could not even eat. I could feel the nerve ending in my hands and feet tingling. I felt the urgency of the situtation needed to be addressed. I can not as a parent think that another parent would allow this to be going on. It makes me sick to think about.
I cannot just sit by and leave this on the table. I need some super guidance here b/c I may be to close to the situtation. I need to know how to proceed with this.


Oxy–Exactly what I told her. That some boys may think that she feels it is acceptable to her to be HIT and they might abuse her also. And may not even stop at hitting her but abuse her sexually as well.
Told her she needed to set boundrary for herself and others. It is not and never will be acceptable for others to hit her, Ask her what if that were your baby sister would that be OK? NO, I’d beat someone up for that, she says. Then if it’s not OK for her then why is it OK for you. She started crying. I told her again—IT”S NOT OK.
You’re a smart pretty girl–your true friends would not abuse you in such a manner.

Ox Drover

What were her parents’ attitudes and the attitudes of the rest of the family? How old is the girl?

When I was in 2nd grade I was beaten up at school on a daily basis and I would NOT TELL either my teachers or my parents, I was ASHAMED of being beaten, when the kid hit me with a coke bottle on the jaw and broke my jaw and it swelled up, it was Noticed and I did tell….then I was told by my parents and the teacher that I should “forgive her” because she was abused at school, and that I should NOT be angry with her.

I think you told your niece correctly, and I would follow up with talking with her parents again, just so the niece knows you are following up.

I sense that there might be more going on here than just kids trading licks, though it might be true, I think there might be MUCH WORSE going on but the girl might not want to “fess up” to what is actually going on.

I’m glad that you noticed and did something. It is good she had that validation. If it IS TRUE that it is kids trading licks then it still needs to be stopped, but if she is being brutalized by bully kids at school, then THAT NEEDS TO STOP TOO!

I hope her parents will take this seriously.


Mom says she will not listen to her.
My daughter spoke to her also; I will stay on this—I can’t talk the talk and not walk the walk.
I point blank ask her if it is a boy hitting her she said No. I told her I could stop it if it is. She said no it’s girl and that she hits girls too. Crazy isn’t it. I would beat the living _ _ _ _ out of any girl or boy that ever hit me.
What floors me IS the parents not going to the school and at least bringing it to their attention. Keeping my child safe would be my number one priority.
Oxy: I would love to have a telephone conversation or private email talk with you—is that possible?
Thanks for hearing me out. This is what I talk about when I say Break the Cycle. Thanks again, Seeing Clearly but a little foggy tonite.

Ox Drover

Dear Seeingclearly, ask donna to send me your e mail address and I will answer your e mail.

I don’t understand why the parents are not as OUTRAGED AS YOU ARE. WTF?

Someone needs to go to the school counselor AND principal ASAP!

I understand that the girl (your niece) may be lying or making up some story to cover for something worse than “trading licks” but even the trading licks must be stopped.

I would also say that the child desperately needs counseling. What about child protective services? I know going to them is “extreme” and may cause some family problems, but before I would let it drop I would do that I think. I think this is a SERIOUS case of “something abusive” going on, but I don’t necessarily know WHAT is going on and I wouldn’t just take the girl’s word for what she is telling.


Hi Oxy,
I don’t know if you got my request, but I asked Donna to forward an email to you. Maybe I was paranoid (I confess to hypervigilence some times.) but I read two different postings to you from supposedly two different people but nearly the same wording and made me think trojan trying to get to you. I might have seemed crazy but thought you’d understand.


I am in South Florida. Just a couple of miles away from the Deerfield Beach middle school where there have been 2 incidents within 6 months of each other. Not bruises!!!
they set Michael Brewer on fire!!!!
and the sicko kicked and beat Josie Lou Ratley into a brain damaged state.!! The word is the kids say… “kick’em till the timbers run red”. They buy Timberland hard toed boots at Walmart and then use them as weapons to kick the others until they bleed!!
Cruel?? No!!! SICK!!! Middle School aged “children” of God! WTF are they doing? This area is mixed social class, it’s not like Overtown in Miami, where they shoot and kill each other every night. I spend the first 10 minutes of the morning news catching up with who shot who in Miami last night. And then I pray for 10 minutes that it doesn’t move up to my area. What is going on with these children?
PS> Both of these children have been on national news and I have not revealed anything not publicized!

Ox Drover

Dear KatyDid, I sent you an e mail, wasn’t sure why you hadn’t answered it. I don’t worry about trojans here on LF—this is one place I’m NOT paranoid….the trolls who come through here once in a while don’t bother me any more. I’ll check back and see why my e mail didn’t get through to you.

Notcrazee—I lived in Miami Dade area in 1980s for a while and it was horrible, I was never so happy to ESCAPE from some place as I was from Florida and I have lived all over the world from LA to New Orleans and central and south America and Africa….and felt the most threatened in Florida. I came back to Arkansas in 1989 and was glad to be back here,, but danger can be in any area and from any socio-economic level, any race, any educational level—psychopaths are EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ABUSERS.

“Kids” like this I think should be locked up and the keys thrown away for their natural lives….but unfortunately I think too many times they are given another “chance” by an ill-advised social system that seems to think that prison rehabilitates people who are violent to start with. It CONTAINS them, but just like that guy they executed in Oklahoma the other day, he was doing multiple life sentences when he tricked his cell mate into letting him tie him up and then strangled the guy, and WROTE THE GUYS MOTHER A LETTER TELLING HOW HE DID IT and that the guy didn’t die like they “do on TV” that it took longer. Before he was executed, he said he was “sorry” and apologized—DUH??? He was executed with the same drugs that they use to put animals down with.

Though I have come to be “against” the law putting people down in the death penalty, since there was NO DOUBT that this guy was guilty—NONE, ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH—I don’t have a problem with it. Because several people have been released off death row by DNA evidence of INNOCENCE, though, I am not “for” the death penalty except in a few cases like the one in Oklahoma.

If even 1% of the people in prison now are actually innocent that is still a huge number of people, as there are about 2 MILLION people in prison/jail in US alone. I imagine there are more than 1% actually INNOCENT and that’s a scary thing when you are talking about executing people but locking up people who are VIOLENT at least keeps them off the streets and mostly keeps them from hurting others.


I am about 50 miles north of Miami, it has a way of sneaking up on you though. I just happen to get Miami based news. I need the weather here, there is NO way I could tolerate what EB does! God Bless her!!!
It really isn’t safe down here anymore.
We don’t have enough jails to lock up all the damn “spawns of the devil’ they call children down here. they are born out of wedlock, drug addicted, handed to the grandparents to raise or sent into the system to be raised and it is just HELL down here. You know that! Those that have a decent family are overendulgent and expect way too much in life!
What happened to the paradise of the days of “where the boy are” or the “beach boys”?
You were here in the 80’s imagine it now!!! OMG!!!
I can’t watch another kid try to mutilate another, there is no excuse for it!


PS. I know what has caused this to happen, I just can’t express my opinion on LF about it! I’m sure you know as well!

Ox Drover

I think there are multiple factors that have caused problems in our society with violence—and there have always been psychopaths and always been violence—some AREAS seem to be worse than others and some times in our history that are worse than others, but coastal areas (and Florida qualifies there) and/or areas where there are great influxes of people from other areas so that there isn’t a real sense of community I think makes the violence go up.

A boom or bust situation along with lots of drug money and other illicit trade all centered in an area where there isn’t a great deal of sense of “community” or order fosters bad behavior.

The first day my P son was in school in Florida there was a shooting (murder) on campus—and we lived in a “nice neighborhood”—the small community college my other son went to, the book store manager was murdered in the store on campus!!! What would be a “safer” job than book store manager for a small community college where he knew every kid by name?

I’ll pass on any highly populated area (cities) and would rather be out here in the boondocks, at least if someone out here is out to get you, you know who it is and why, there’s not so much “random” violence just by being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or being the wrong color, or wearing a blue bandana in a red bandana area.


Miami has always been bad for all I remember. I was never allowed to go south of where I live only north. Now here and north are getting saturated with Miami style life!!! How far north do I have to go to get away from this trash?
you got that right, the coastal areas due to the drugs and illegal immigrants.
This was/is still a communtity area, it’s just slipping up on us with the economy, housing burst, drugs and illegals. I know I need to leave… just haven’t had the hearrt. born here, stay here, proud here! You know my history… just glad to have it to come to when escaping the xspath. Unfortunately the boondocks doesn’t offer the ability to earn a decent paycheck. So being alone, I need some kind of close society to make money, have health insurance and a decent home. Where is the semi populated middle class paradise that was here in the 70’s?
Thanks for your reply!

super chic

Come on over here to Southern California!


I’ll take overt bad behavior over sociopathy any day of the week. Example:
when I was 15 I ran away from home. But I was working 2 jobs, one was at an autoparts store in a “bad” part of town. My parents had said I couldn’t take the job because of the location. It was mostly a black area and I’m white. I thought they were racist, and it made me mad. They had sent me to private schools and sheltered me so much that I really had no contact with people of any other race, color or creed.
So 3 days into the job, I ran away from home and I mentioned it to the assistant manager, who was black. He said, “Oh, I have a girlfriend who needs a roomate, do you want to meet her?”. We arranged that he would pick me up after my shift ended at 9PM. He had left at 6PM but was back at 9PM. Drove me to an apartment complex, we went in and it turns out to be HIS apartment. His roomate was asleep in another room, he pulls me into his bedroom and pulls his pants down. He was already wearing a condom! The next few hours were spent struggling with him. He hit me in the face with a fist with rings on when I tried to scream, so I cut that out. He got some of my clothes off but I would squirm so he couldn’t rape me, as hard as he tried. In between wrestling matches he would just rest with his arms around me, holding me tight, so I couldn’t leave. He was drunk too BTW. About 1AM it occurred to me to use the pity ploy. (LOL) I cried and said, “I have nothing, no home, no parents, no possessions and you are trying to take away the last thing I have. MYSELF, Boohoohooo.” Well, he felt bad and he let me go. Point of the story is: he was not a spath. A spath would have locked on to that and it would have made it worse.
He was a horny rapist but not a spath, because he had a conscious, it just needed to be activated.


Thanks SC! Not pleased with it here anymore!


WOW! Another survivior story. Glad you were able to get out of that.


Thanks Oxy, I went to bed early last nite. Drama drains me to the max. I’ll be in and out for the next couple of days, I will email you soon. Thanks again. Seeing Clearly


I hope you can get this straightened out. I agree that there is no excuse for this behavior.. nip it in the bud before it becomes what I have seen here locally.


Found out a truck load more—need to get all the facts to know how to proceed.
Oxy sent Donna my email address and phone#. hope to hear from you soon.
I need to give you the full story and background. Don’t want to post it here. You’ll understand once you get the full story
Thanks, Seeing Clearly

I caught that show and simultaneously thought it was excellent and deeply flawed.

Gabor Mate: “The bully is just a kid who is emotionally very immature, has a desperate need to belong, and the way he attempts to do so is by exploiting somebody else’s vulnerability. But these are not deliberate behaviors, so they don’t call for punishments. What they call for is the understanding of where bullying arises out of.”

He is totally unaware of or disbelieving in sociopathy (as a genetic, dichotomous form of humanity). He very well lays out how empathy can be destroyed, how faux sociopaths can be created but doesn’t allow for the existence of those born without empathy or the possibility of developing it. True sociopaths lead, set the bar, set the example for the faux sociopaths. Bullying and most morally corrupt/damaged empathy social problems have two aspects — but the sociopathic side is totally ignored.

We need some high profile humanist to publicly recognize the problem of sociopathy. I used to read a lot of Alice Miller, Robert Bradshaw, etc. They neither ever mentioned sociopathy, nor seemed to feel there was some motive, some force in the tragedies of their patients and subjects that they couldn’t account for. Though looking back I definitely see psychopathic individuals described in their writings.

On one hand Gabor Mate is a very deep thinker, on the other hand what he says is common sense. Why has this common sense been so ignored or even smashed in our era? Enlightened, deeply humanistic common sense has lost out to a sociopathic simple-mindedness, greed and ego-driven lack of understanding of others. Yet he can’t see that. Preaching love to the loveless is a losing strategy.

Ox Drover

“preaching love to the loveless is a losing strategy”

VERY TRUE! There ARE EVIL PEOPLE in the world and love can’t reach them, much less fix them.


I listened to the video and thought the Doc’s suggestion that parenting somehow causes ADD and ADHD was mainly crap!

Yes, children need to be nurtured and shown love. Yes, children also need good adult roll models. Yes! Bullying needs to be stopped, Yes to America (Canada, etc.), Chevrolet and apple pie! Had the subject been solely about child rearing,
I would likely find merit to many of his observations.

However, to my mind, I was born with ADD. Neither my parents nor his were responsible for anything more than how to help us to manage and function with our altered brain chemistry. Of course, there also is the aspect that neither of us had parents who knew there was a possibility that our brains might not be producing all the substances that are necessary for “normal” brain function.

The thought that more families are in counseling, at least to me, says that parents are trying to help their kids. They want help. Bravo! That’s not a negative…those parents are seeking guidance to manage family behaviors.

A part of growing up is seeking independence and distinguishing each generation from the previous ones. (How hip, cool, or lame is that? (I recall…”never trust anyone over the age of 30″ was my generation’s mantra.) Pier groups do have influence and do contribute to the bullying of “outsiders”…but I seriously doubt this should be attributed to increased population percentages of ADD or ADHD.

As an adult who was diagnosed with ADD, I think that this Dr. is way off in his assessment that a lack of parental involvement is somehow related to why people are diagnosed as ADD or ADHD. Brain chemical production (or lack of production) is responsible…just like diabetes, hormone production, and perhaps Alzheimer disease.

PBS has a film titled “Having ADD and Loving it(?)” Per that program, an ADD person is born with a brain chemistry that can be controlled, but not cured. We’re born with a brain malfunction that will be with us until death. Actors also state that ADD adults are loving and very giving towards others (not likely bullies…rather they are bullied by others). We’re also forgetful and have difficulty completing tasks and remembering appointments.

I think that environment might play a major role in creating and aggravating ADD/ADHD symptoms…like when young, growing children drink massive amounts of pasteurized milk that came from cows that were feed hormones, etc. and contain additional additives and preservatives. How about considering the effect of a pregnant mother’s past exposure to hormones, poisons and various toxic substances like lead? Young children who are exposed to those substances might also experience altered brain chemistry after birth.

Empathy…I’m sure that a child learns a lot from adult clues, but what if altered brain chemistry exists at birth? What then?

Oh, that’s right, those NPDs seek out vulnerable victims who will likely feel empathy for their woes, believe their narcissistic, habitual lying, and then possibly even give them everything they have in the name of love. Those gullible victims might never been taught to be aware of “obvious” clues to watch out for. So, in the Dr’s defense,that could be considered to be a parenting failure.

What if all PDs are born with brain chemistry issues that will cause them to focus solely upon satisfying themselves at a total disregard (maybe even contempt) towards others. Perhaps they were born with a brain chemistry malfunction that isn’t curable…and, perhaps unlike ADD, just might never be considered manageable… even with drugs!

I think this Dr. blew it!


I think that what the doctor is saying is that an environment which does not provide consistent rules, is not predictable, doesn’t set boundaries which can be considered fair or just doesn’t establish a sense of order for the child, can lead to ADD.
A parent who punishes a child when they are angry rather than punishing in order to provide boundaries is creating un unpredictable environment.
Children are like alien visitors to our planet. Without instruction and examples that are consistent, they cannot figure out what is acceptable and what is not. At any moment they can be punished or suffer consequences for their actions.
if I was such a visitor to an alien planet I would be on constant high alert. I would be unable to focus. my mind would be constantly scanning the environment for cues on how to behave and what is beneficial to me.
A child’s mind is developing so that environment would imprint as normal. Just one narcissistic parent would be enough to imprint capriciousness as standard behavior.


I’ve always been a little scattered and good at multitasking. but since all the evil happened and I discovered sociopaths exist everywhere, I can barely pay my bills on time or clean the house. my brain feels like it’s working at about 5 percent.
I am like a little visitor to an alien planet, always on the lookout for more sociopaths and red flags. 95 percent of my brain is focused on that. it may appear to others to be ADD but in fact it is PTSD.
The world is not what my naive Brain perceived. Now I feel as if I’m learning to live on this planet all over again



The world is not what my naive Brain perceived. Now I feel as if I’m learning to live on this planet all over again

After dealing with a spath friend, this is what I feel like too. I don’t trust anyone and am suspicious and really listen now to what people say and do. I almost feel paranoid and I don’t want anymore new friends.

Looking back I feel like I was a sitting duck for this woman. I was definately naive and had a head full of “yoga knowledge” and she just ran right over me. She stole several thousand dollars, lied to me & the police & the landlord, created such chaos. She lies, cheats and steals then tells the cops she wants me brought up on charges of “filing a false police report” Well, the cops believed me and they did not bring me up on charges…ugh! It’s been eight months and I still feel stuck sometimes. I want to know where she is living/working. I feel like I’ll feel better if I know where she is! Is that normal?

Send this to a friend