When individuals are jealous-fueled, what is happening? One thing that’s happening is that they are often looking for rage, looking to rage, in all the wrong places.
So this is important to establish up-front: The jealous-laden individual is using his jealousy as a basis to unleash his stewing rage. He is using jealousy as a means to feel rage; to feel outrage; to feel, somehow, self-righteously betrayed; and finally, to justify (through his jealousy) his pursuit of these feelings.
Thus, he is looking, contriving, convincing himself that the basis of his fury is legitimately, suspiciously, here”¦or there!!”¦or there!!”¦or here!!”¦or over there!!
Regardless, he will find the basis for his suspicions whenever it suits him—whenever, that is, he seeks a rage catharsis through his jealousy. From his suspicions, he will immediately rationalize the rapid escalation, and release, of his righteous indignation, which he will almost instantly transmute into expressions of jealous rage.
In his rage, you (his target) will naturally be declared guilty even without his having informed you of the accusations against you. It’s almost as if, in his arrogant grandiosity and sense of entitlement, you barely deserve to know the accusations he’s leveling.
After all, you should know them without his having to inform you, because you are guilty of them!! Who are you kidding?! Who are you trying to dupe, playing the innocent?!!
In such fashion he ratchets up, equally rapidly, his paranoia, convincing himself that you are weaving a real deception, really making a joke of him, the thought of which further primes his paranoia and escalates his self-justified fury.
To be sure, you are guilty of something treacherous. He knows it, he’s convinced himself of it. He believes that you too, of course, know it, but just don’t want him to know it. So he assumes a kind of paranoid omniscience. He is soooo smart, way toooo smart to be had; thus, you must be patronizing him with your innocent, shellshocked reaction.
As if he is going to fall for the pretense of your bewilderment? To the contrary: it will merely makes him legitimately more incensed.
And so the jealous rager, consciously or subconsciously, in conformity with his aim, puts you in a lose lose position: admit what he accuses you of (that is, falsely confess), and even more hell will break loose! Tell the truth, of your actual innocence, and more hell will break loose!
You are like the suspect in the interrogation room on whom he, the interrogator, in his smug conviction, believes he has all the evidence; like the suspect with whom he is toying as he watches you (from his warped perspective), and derives a perverse pleasure in watching you, try to squirm your way out of the guilty, damned status he has arrogantly, smugly stamped you with.
The jealous rager, in this fashion, will enjoy, perversely, the process of (from his warped perspective) watching you dig yourself deeper and deeper in a hole that he has made for you, that he set you up to fall into, and then assured that it will have all the escapability of a quicksand pit.
Rather, it is a pit into which, from his warped perspective, he watches you sink little by little, lie by lie, evasion by evasion, omission by omission, inconsistency by inconsistency, into his “doghouse,” or really his “hell-house,” inside of which he will slam the door shut, bar your escape, and menacingly confront you, seething with the self-righteous fury of the betrayed, entitling himself to “payback” for the treachery of which you, of course, innocent, in the abusive forms he chooses.
This sheds some light, perhaps, into the mind of the jealous rager.
(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Eb’s here…..been gone working my ars off….and for what?
Well…..this conversation leads right into it!
I got DUMPED on last night by a client.
NEVER before have I been treated like I was by this fucking bitch!!!
She screamed at me IN FRONT OF HER GUESTS…..at the end of a party…..FREAKED OUT!
I was MORTIFIED….
She kissed butt for 2 days…..loved everything, couldn’t give me enough hugs……everything was wonderful, fantastic, awesome…blah, blah…..
Then she get’s the bill…..and THROWS the check at me….telling me how shitty everything was, how she was appalled at everything…..
WTF???
BLINDSIDED ME!
I left there last night in tears!
Were WE at the SAME event? Did she REALLY JUST SAY/DO that?
She berrated me in front of the guests…..AND rewrote the ‘history’…..when she had to ‘pay up’.
I felt like i did all those years with spath….HUH”? Off balanced, pushed into a rabbit hole and blindsided….and STILL wanting to please. I asked her directly, what were you not happy with???? SHe said EVERYTHING, and came up with all sorts of FALSE statements…..
Contradicting herself from the past 2 days.
I was in charge of this event, on the floor, overseeing the food…..NOTHING went unattended!
I was CRUSHED when I left…..boggled and crushed.
I was up all night…..thinking of differentways to approach her…..because, here I am….rebuiliding and I get THIS?
She had hired 2 illegals she paid cash to. She wanted to pay me the same hourly…..as them?
They didn’t speak english, not educated/trained…..they were fine, nice people…..BUT…..they don’t have a business, don’t pay tax’s and they are cheap.
And you put me in that catagory?
I was the last one to be paid….she paid the band, the Valet, the coat check peeps…..and the housekeepers (whom SHE insisted she wanted, I said not necessary)…..and then …..me.
She complained that I was more than the band….who played for 1.5 hours. Excuse me….I put 54 hours into these 2 events…..provided all staff and food, flowers, equipment and beverages……and WHAT?
Okay…..so off balance and crying I went, (after picking up my check from the floor)……and started thinking…..
I went from…….OMG….to fuck you really quickly.
I just spoke to another friend/client who knows this woman….and she said…..Don’t give it a thought….that’s her. If she calls you again, be yourself and stand up for yourself.
She said EB…..she is a total narcissist….(agreed) and a micro manager control freak……who is cheap and made it clear she didn’t want to pay you your rates…..
She was hoping i’d reduce my fee……of which I almost did.
But you know what….fcak you…..I worked HARD, both events were a complete sucess…….everyone LOVED everything….and compliments out the door……
and you, Mrs. Rich cheap bitch wearing Chanel…..can go fack yourself…….fark you for putting this on me and demeaning me in front of your hap[py guests……fark you for belittling my energy in ensuring your party’s were a success……FARK YOU for being like my ex husband!
My friend said she’s done this before….
I’m sure she was on the telephone ‘line’ berating me……this am.
This bothered me…….this thought…..because I worked so hard, and was very proud of my work and how dare she drag my name through the mud.
SO…..I decided, when I do hear from her……I will NOT cowtail to her….(as in ‘the customers always right)…..I will be direct and honest with her.
I will also throw in….(seed planting) that I got an email from TWO of her friends…..whom I know……telling me how wonderful everything was and how delightful the food was yadyadyad…..
She’ll ask WHO…..and I’ll say, it doesn’t matter…..let her feel what i’ve felt…..slap her with her own reality.
SHE can wonder, just like I wondered.
I’m tired of people thinking they can walk on me……
So…..today, when I dragged myself out of bed…….I checked the mail…..
BOOM….another rockslide…..My loan modification was denied….DENIED! 2.5 years of working on this……and i’m denied. they suggest I go to another bank and try refinance.
Yeah….thatnks for the tip…..If I could qualify for a refinance I’d of done that 2 years ago……thatnks for NOTHING!
Which means……I’m losing my house.
And all the emotions that come along with that.
So…..I’m worn out and beat up….and Merry Friggen Christmas EB….you got 14 days to depart…oh yeah….and since we held the letter and didn’t mail it right away……your 14 days started on the 15th.
????????????????????
So….what are the lessons here…..it’s time for a major life change…..face it head on….No, things didn’t turn out the way I’d planned…..but hey…..are they supposed to? This is leading me in a ‘better’ direction.
That’s all I keep telling myself.
Think positive!!!!!!! This is all for something….i’m just not sure what?!?!
Oh Eb,
You can move in with me! We have snow here too, and no I’m not kidding. Although spath is still in the house but he wouldn’t stand a chance.
So sorry about this crap, you work incredibly hard and put forth your best effort in everything (I can tell, even on the compy) and you don’t deserve this. That woman was a freak, she took your breath away for a moment, which was a NORMAL reaction, but you are not the person she said you were. It’s manipulation to try and get you to lower your price, she knew what she was doing the freak.
Are you going to be okay? How can I help? This makes my current problems seem less important. I wish I were there and could brainstorm ideas with you. Can you appeal to the state? I thought many foreclosures were on hold per president Obama. There might be something with the new foreclosure rules that you could use to your advantage.
You could go stay at your rental temporarily, at least it’s familair.
I’m thinking of you, wishing I could take away this horrible day. Lots of hugs…..Hope4joy
Hope…..Thank you!
I’ve got to put on my big girl panties and ride out the wedgy.
I was caught off guard by both situations…..but whatever….what do ya do?
Yes, I do have my rental…..and my mtg on that is next to nothing…..which means I wouldn’t have to work near as hard, and my life could open up to ‘other’ things…..not sure what, they will reveal.
I’m not comfortable walking into the abyss…..but i’ve recently learned…..we all gotta do it!
I’m excited to see where i’ll land up in life…..as if life has a landing pad….i’ve notiece more of a bouncing pad.
Last night I had a momentary pity party…..wishing I had my old FANTASY life back…..snapped out of that one quick.
Talking to my frined/client was soothing to me……I begin toquestion myself…..based on not knowing what I was married to…….to thinking, did I not see something at this event?
I do know I can trust my own judgement and instincts…..but being pushed off balance, looking at myself…..thinking….could it be me? I do try and look at things from all angles….ME included. I’m not perfect…by any stretch, but I do know when I’m pouring my heart into somehting and do a good job. That’s the problem with being a people pleaser…….I please others over myself……that’s been somehting i’ve worked on…..try me first. It’s hard when still nurturing kids.
I’m going to rock her block IF she calls me to discuss…..nobody ever stands up to her…..she’s a rich bully….and I don’t give a fark….her money won’t buy my silence!
She’s got the nicest husband…..but spineless….when she goes crying to him, he may just go….HAH….good going EB…as he consoles her.
If she can threaten me…..I will do it right back to her!
Life…..the evolution.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm
EB with balls of steal and a true good heart is in the house!
Eb, the woman is a c***. ’nuff said.
no end of stupid, mean and ugly in the world. She can’t hurt your rep, just your feelings. you have her check cashed?
your house…oh jesus. eb, i am not a prayer, but i am going to pray for whatever good can come of this for you.
i remember you telling me about the fellow you worked for, the one who believed in you. can he help financially? would be able to cosign for refinancing? if there is someone you can ask for help, someone you respect, it’s time to.
and if you were here, i’d hold your hands and rub your back – ’cause that’s a whole lot in 24 hours.
Jazzy,
Merry Christmas to you!!!!
Yep…..cashed the checks today…..the consensus was get your ars to the bank girl! It was like I was holding a dead baby or something…..
Yes….already did the begging bit…..my old boss got taken by Madoff, so he’s not in a position.
I also think that IF I could find an ‘investor’….do I want to be beholden on that level?
I’ve got 250K equity….and I know that sounds like a lot…..but IS IT WORTH IT anymore?
The market will take years to come back, too many foreclosure deals before regular sales will occur…..
I feel strongly about keeping independance…..i’m tired of renters, i”m tired of having a strategy to just live, i’m tired of rebuilding, saving, salvaging, protecting…….to worrying about it all. Will I save it and THEN get sick again? This is always in the back of my mind…..will saving it MAKE me sick again? Been there done that…..don’t want to go back! It was 4 years ago today……that I was admitted to hospital on deaths door.
Huh…..i’ve come so far.
I’m at a point, where i’m not sure I want to fight it anymore…..I’m thinking my life will free up without the weight of this friggen house.
My rental is MUCH smaller 4000sq ft vs 1300sqft. So i’d just unload all my posessions……stuff and crap……and lighten my load.
Life has GOT to be taking me in this direction…..the universe or whatever…..i’ve got to weigh the fight….is it worth it…..today i’m exhausted….and NO….today it’s NOT worth it.
Oh, and on the upside…..well, since spath never signed the deed…..guess who’s credit will show the foreclosure! He was the primary! 🙂
🙂 silver lining to every cloud!
so, go forth and lighten!
Touch and a back rub……gosh, I feel better already!
Thanks One!!! Your a sweatie! 🙂
EB,
OMG… You will be OK. You have your rental tol live in….
That biatch will find herself one day having to eat her words. Like I posted on another thread….. Alphabet soup,,, speak your words kindly… one day you will have to eat them.
So anyway… you can move in with me also…. down here in s fla! You would melt like “frosty”!!!LOL!
EB,
You’ve cashed the checks and have the money! Thank God after all the work you did! You will be OK! You have the survivior gene in you and I have seen that in your posts. You just need to come to terms with where you are going. Maybe the smaller house is the answer right now. I know….. I don’t like the “right now” at this age either. “Right Now” isn’t a secure thing and what we are looking for is the secure thing.
soimnotthecrazee1!