By | October 29, 2008 32 Comments

Lost Memories of a Sociopathic Killer

I was on my knees in the family room of our home. It was about 5:00 am and I was reflecting on some journaling that I had been doing for the past few months. It was suggested that I think through everything that I had written down about my past memories to be sure that I had everything.

I had been through a detox facility three months earlier to get off of pain pills a few months after having major back surgery. I had been off of the pills for three months now. I had become addicted to them and now I was “cleaning house” so that it wouldn’t happen again.

Suddenly, it hit me like a freight train. My initial thought, as fear began to grip my entire being, was “Oh My God”. I said this to myself over and over again. I began to tremble as the memories returned. There were so many emotions that the feeling is almost indescribable. This moment that I was remembering was so powerful that it led me to dismiss the existence of a God, at the time. This was my darkest secret and I had buried it deep. I spent years burying this secret so it would never see the light of day. Now here it was, and I was trembling, alone in my living room. On my knees, before God. The very God that I had dismissed all those years ago, shaking with fear”¦and full of shame.

The memory was from 1987. My father and I were sitting at a table in a bar at Applebee’s restaurant drinking a couple of beers. He had some “good news” and was excited to see me. He was overflowing with excitement and pride. He had some money for me.

My father liked to surprise people with “good news” so he smiled and handed me what I remember to be about $3,000.00. I really needed money at the time so I was extremely happy to get this money. Until I found out how he got it.

I asked him how he got it. This is the question that would change the course of my life. He asked if “I really wanted to know”. And I said yes. He asked if “I was sure” as though this was something extremely sensitive and I said yes again. I think we repeated this a couple of more times. After the second time he asked if “I was really sure I wanted to know” I didn’t want to hear the answer, but couldn’t say it. That thought was frozen and I couldn’t get the words out. Part of me wanted to know (out of curiosity), but part of me already knew that this was going to be bad. Very bad. I was already feeling sick, but couldn’t show my Dad that I was beginning to panic inside. I steadied myself, focused on my beer and listened. He said he stole the money from a “couple of dirty n***** drug dealers”. Here is how he described it to me:

He said that he set them up to believe that he had a large amount of cocaine buried out in the woods. He told them it came into his possession by some sort of fluke accident and he had no idea what it was worth. He told them he didn’t know anything about drugs and just wanted to get rid of it. The price he gave them was about one quarter of what it was worth. He said they fell all over themselves trying to take advantage of him. Said they thought he was a stupid old fart, white guy that didn’t know “what he had”. This was the con. They couldn’t resist it. Of course, there was no cocaine, and my father knew exactly what they would think it was worth. This was easy, he said. He absolutely loved to play the old fart role and use their greed as motivation. He was going to pay them back for “trying” to take advantage of an old fart like him. They were the bad guys, according to him.

He said he picked them up at the airport. They were wearing a sports jump suit and wearing a lot of jewelry. Typical “N******” he said. He played up the dumb white guy role as they drove out to the woods where he told them it was buried. They walked to a spot by a pond where he said it was located and began to dig. They were all three together. As they were digging my father told them that he needed to go back to the car to get another shovel to speed things up. He casually walked back to the car and opened the trunk as they continued to dig. He said he was very calm.

He wasn’t getting a shovel. No, he had a shotgun in the trunk. He said he leaned in the trunk, pulled out his shotgun, took aim and fired killing one of the black guys. He said he dropped immediately. He then pumped and shot the other guy in the shoulder and neck area, but he said it didn’t kill the son of a bitch and he ran. The level of excitement in my father’s voice increased dramatically as he told the rest of the story. He said “shit, I didn’t kill that bastard and I thought he was going to get away”. He laughed at his inability to hit his target.

The next part was described with great pride. He brimmed with satisfaction and delight of his own intelligence at how he improvised.

He figured the other guy had nowhere to go, so he went to the car, started it and backed it out of the woods. He made sure the other guy, if he was watching, thought he fled the scene. He parked the car and began to “slip” back into the woods towards the spot that he murdered the first guy. He explained how proud he was because he used his turkey hunting experience to slip back up on the wounded number two guy. As he quietly settled in with his shotgun pointed directly at the spot where the hole was, sure enough the second guy came sneaking back to see his friend. My father patiently waiting until he returned to the spot and dropped him. This time he didn’t miss. “That dumb n***** came right back to the same spot just like I knew he would”. He was giddy and excited.

Normally he would be watching my reaction to see if I was accepting of his behavior, but not this time. He was too full of himself to worry about what I thought. He also thought it would be totally acceptable to “kill two drug dealing n****** like these two pieces of shit”. How dare they think they could take advantage of an old fart like him? He had made them pay for that and he felt good about it.

Me, I stared at my beer and desperately tried to rationalize what was happening. It wasn’t computing and I was stuck. I stared at my beer and couldn’t wait to get away from him. But for now, I had to act happy for him. He would later say that he “remembered celebrating that moment with me”. I wasn’t celebrating. I was drifting, drinking and looking for relief from this pain. I was alone on this one and couldn’t tell a soul. I didn’t know who these guys were, where they were from or exactly where this had happened. No bodies, no crime scene? No, I was in deep with no where to go. What I didn’t know was there was more to come.

After we left the bar he took me out in the parking lot to show me the cash. He opened his trunk and showed me a black bag that contained about $25,000 to $30,000 (I don’t remember the amount). I looked and mustered a smile. “Neat Dad, nice job”. I wanted to throw up, cry, call for help, and yell. No where to turn. It was me and Dad.

Looking back, I did exactly the opposite of what I should’ve done. I turned away from God instead of towards him. I’ll never forget driving home on I-4 with my mind racing. So many questions, so many thoughts. Could I stop him, who do I call, what do I do now? Then I came back to the bigger question that was on my mind. How on God’s earth could something like this happen. How could this be? I was not a faithful person, but surely this couldn’t be a planet with a God? So right there, I decided that there was no God. Couldn’t possibly be. This, I tried to rationalize was a “nature thing”. The result of evolution and us being animals. My father was simply a predator and they were his prey. For the moment, that is how I accepted it. I rationalized this over and over. No God, just nature at work and I had a weird seat that most people don’t have. He was a predator, that’s it.

Later, this experience would add to the new “character behaviors” I was developing from being around my father. This one was interesting. Somehow, I would later bury and completely delete this memory from my record. Apparently though, like a computer, it was still on my “hard drive”, I just needed to look hard for it.

Now back to the morning that I was flooded with these memories. I again felt sick, but this was a different kind of sick. The kind of sick that comes from shame and wondering if somehow you could have protected people from being hurt, but did nothing. I didn’t understand the timeline of what I knew, when and if this knowledge could have stopped him along the way.

For now, I had to put these feelings aside and just do the right thing. What happened in the past had nothing to do with what I needed to do today. I went in the bedroom and sat down with my wife. I began to tell her the story. She had always suspected that something was bothering me deep down. We had been married for 13 years and she had seen me battle countless physical illnesses including back pain, migraine headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, sleep apnea and random nose bleeds. She always thought these were caused by something “mental”. I think she found relief in this memory. It explained so many things about me that she had suspected.

We talked and I knew what I had to do. Sure it had been 17 years and my father was already on death row, but the right thing to do was to call the police and tell them my story. No choice here. I didn’t need time to think about it, only to consider who I would call.

This would be the beginning of a trip down memory lane. One that covered years of living with a sociopath. Lost memories, most buried deep inside me from as far back as I could remember. Suddenly I began to understand everything. As I began to recount my father’s behavior and crimes I also began to learn about sociopaths. It was frightening and liberating at the same time. If you have crossed paths with a sociopath or have one in your family I hope my experiences help you see that there is hope and you are not alone.

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You know what Travis?

If i had not been through what I have been through I would’nt believe you! LOVE jere

I am so sorry for what you have been through. This helps me a little to understand that my mom truly must have burried memories of what her boyfriend has done. I know, but no amount of reasoning with her seems to get through since he has moved in with her and brainwashed her. I pray that you continue to heal and trust that God is there for you. I will keep you in my prayers.


Kinda makes my story seem clean and undefiled. Although I wouldn’t put it past her to commit murder eventually. She wouldn’t care either way.

I totally believe that there are twisted people out there capable of killing another human like a deer– or turkey.
I have been around many men like that throughout my childhood that my mother introduced me to.

Where are you in your healing? What did your father do to get on death-row? It’s actually a good thing that you remembered these things. Your brain is saying that you’re ready to handle the impact of it, and you’re secure enough in your relationship with your wife that you can deal with it. Good for you and keep growing!

I don’tthink it’s a failure to look at the big picture- normal choices aren’t even considered.

Need money- kill is what some resort to. Need more money- kill more.

They’d have to forego their natural inclination for power and control, they don’t act for just sex or money….it’s the kick.

The joie de vivre of fornicating with the wife’s husband in the next room.


Travis: You just proved my professor correct. He stated that people do evil because they do not see the overall picture, the big picture, they look at what they are doing in the myopic view point. Your father needed money in his 50s. Obvious, low self esteem at that point in his life, he couldn’t focus on the bigger picture of getting a job and starting his life over, instead, in his myopic viewpoint, he decided to con these two men. He rationalized his deed by calling them derogatory names, which vindicated (in his mind) the deed he did to them. Instead of seeing the 2nd man coming back out of compassion and concern for his friend that was shot (the 1st man), your father rationalized this behavior in a derogatory way too.

John List looked at his devastation through the same myopic viewpoint when killing his entire family, his wife, his two children and his mother.

He lost his job as an accountant. Instead of confiding the loss of his job with his family to get everyone’s viewpoint and help in this situation, he pretended nothing happened. He pretended to go to work each day so no one suspected anything was amiss. He could not see the overall picture to his predicament … his myopic viewpoint of his predicament took over … he then planned and carried out the the killing of his family so, as he stated, they did not have to change their lavish lifestyle.

He fled the state of New Jersey and showed up in another state, under a false identity. Went back to work in the same profession, married an unsuspecting woman, lived years on the lamb … when the show Americas Most Wanted posted him on their show. Neighbors, friends, co-workers, church members, all called in to report John List was living in their community under an assumed name.

After he was arrested, convicted of his crimes … they found out that the house he lived in had a stained glass window made by L.C. Tiffany worth over $150,000.00 … which if he saw the overall picture of his life at the time, spoke with his family members, maybe one of them would have mentioned “hey dad, we’re not broke, will just sell the window”. I’m sure his wife and mother knew what that window was worth?

I’m sorry for you pain Travis. People need to learn how to step back and see the overall picture and these evil deeds would never need to occur. There is always solutions to any problem, a person just needs to be willing to see life in a different way, that of being in this world, but not of this world.


Ox Drover

Dear Travis,

I can definitely relate to your story about your father’s pride in his voice telling how proud he was of what he had done. My own father proudly described murders he had committed, and I am not sure how much of it is true, but I do know of two men he killed (there was a witness to one) and the other though I did not witness the crime, my bio-father bragged about it, and the man did “disappear” but it was on another continent…the man was a friend of mine, and he had been killed for helping me escape my father’s clutches. Even if I had gone to the police it wouldn’t have done any good, I did the only thing I could do at the time, which was at age 19, I buried myself more deeply in hiding from my bio-father.

He died last year in June. It was a relief for me in many ways. He did his best, even with his death to “smear” me in print, and at first it made me furious, but after some thought, I realized that NO one who knew me would believe a word of it, and what did I care if anyone else did believe it?—I wouldn’t know them anyway.

For ten years after I did manage to get safely away from my bio-father’s reach, I finally came to some resolution with the trauma of it all. Until recently when I had a run in with my own psychopathic son, who is in prison doing “life” for a cold blooded assassination murder did i realize that I still had some issues to deal with concerning my bio-father, and my own upbringing by my mother (a toxic enabler of male family members) and for the first time in my life, I am TRULY FREE.

Though my bio-father raised my three half sibs (he did not raise me) two of the three turned out well, and only one of them is like him, a P, I suspect. No person who wasn’t disordered would “respect” and “emulate” my P-bio father and from the writings of my half-brother’s that I have read, I suspect he is much like my father.

When I was young and would try to tell people about my P experience with my P-biio-father, unless the person had personally known my bio-father there is NO way they would believe me. I finally stopped talking about it to anyone. Fortunately, my late husband had known my bio-father personally and I had no problem with validation or being believed. That made a big difference in my life, just having one person who would believe the tales of horror.

I ended up writing a book about it all (not for publication) for my kids mainly, but also so I could get some “order” into the tales that are so unbelieveable. Just writing it, organizing it, etc. I think helped me to pull the weeds and thorns out of my own soul where he was concerned. I no longer even care if anyone else validates my experience, because I have validated myself. But I remember the days when it was SO important to me to be validated, to be believed, and no one would, no one COULD believe such a story. If it hadn’t happened to ME, I wouldn’t have believed it, and in someways I didn’t believe it anyway.

I hear the pain in your posts, Travis. I have felt that pain, I think anyone who has had a “relationship” with a P on whatever level has felt that pain.

Dr. Viktor Frankl, in his wonderful book “Man’s Search for Meaning” which he wrote after his years in a Nazi prison camp, in which he analyzed what keeps people going, what gives meaning to life, even in the ULTIMATE P-SITUATION, as a prisoner of war, despised and starved, yet he found MEANING in that experience, positive meaning, not bitterness. To me, that meaning that he felt in the ULTIMATE P situation gave me hope, that I too could find meaning in the P-experience, meaning that would improve my life, not embitter it.


I don’t know holywatersalt: First, he clouded his judgment by viewing life through vices … ignoring the virtues in life (one knocks out the other) and then viewing this vice perception in a myopic way (another opposite myopic versus seeing the big picture).

For everything … there is it’s opposite.



Dear Oxy and Travis: Just goes to show what free will can do! Free will that both of you took the righteous paths in life and focused on virtues … and unfortunately, free will allows others to take unrighteous paths in life and focus on the vices.

Peace to both … I know Oxy made it through her horror story, as are most of us on this blog … I hope Travis, that you too make it through.

I’m praying for everyone, you are in my thoughts nightly.

Peace and big hugs.


Oxy- Please understand my curiosity here. I’m not trying to pry, and feel free to NOT answer my question if it is too personal.

Was your father also a rapist? It just seems that if somebody is capable of murder, then it would go hand-in-hand that they molest, rape, pillage, too.


Martha Stout makes a good point in her book The Sociopath Next Door about conscience. She says that even ordinary people can lose their conscience if they start to regard others as “its” who are inferior to us. That is the only way we can justify going to war and killing people–because we have dehumanized them, as Travis’ father did with the drug dealers. This is the irony of why we can’t just round up all the sociopaths and kill them. Because we would be doing exactly what they are doing–turning them into “its”. It is precisely our compassion and conscience that prevents us from doing that, which is why we are still (as a society) at their mercy. Caring people question themselves. Caring people do not desire to take the lives of others. The story is very chilling, and I cannot imagine how alone and scared you (Travis) must have felt while your father was telling you his story. I’m so glad you had the courage to face the memory and tell your story. I hope this is the beginning of major healing for you.

Elizabeth Conley

“My father could not “give” me something he didn’t have, so how could I hold him responsible? Once I could accept this, forviveness came easy and that was the key for me. ”

Great spiritual insights Travis. Thank you. I hope you’re enjoying better health as well as joy these days. You have a lot to teach people about surviving and thriving.

Recognizing the sociopath is incapable of change is very liberating. (Who expects a snake to grow soft plush fur, wag its tail in greeting or play nicely with small, furry mammels? ) Once you know they can’t change, then the question becomes “Will I change?”

You’ve answered that question with a resounding “Yes!”. You’ve forgiven your father. Now you are free to live joyfully.

God Bless You and Yours,


Ox Drover

Dear Kerisee,

Yes, He was a rapist, he raped me. I’m not sure if he raped anyone else, but rape isn’t about sex, it is about CONTROL. One of his wives, divorced him in 1987 or there abouts and she accused him of “trying to get her to have sex with his business associates so he could black mail them.” I BELIEVED her, that was the same thing he was trying to get me to do, when I refused, he beat me and raped me. The man who “disappeared” in Africa (and bio-father told me by telephone that he had killed) and his wife helped me escape. He was an employee of Bio-dad’s.

They sent me to another state to live with friends of theirs under an assumed name. Somehow Bio-father found out about the help I had received and even where I was staying and the “man disappeared” in Africa.

I recently corresponded with another man, a wonderful man who was also threatened by my Bio-father because he would not do illegal activities. In doing the research for the book I wrote (not for publication) I cleared up a lot of the mysteries, resolved past memories, questions, etc. and I think (I feel) that I am at peace with it all now. There is no more pain or guts grabbing when I think about those days now. The huge guilt I felt about the man who “disappeared” being my fault is no longer there, but as Jesus said “Greater love hath no man than he would lay down his life for a friend.” Rest in peace my friend.


I am so sorry, Ox. That’s all I can say.

Ox Drover


You know, I just had an “ah ha” moment. I realized long ago (years ago) when I read Robert Hare’s book Without Conscience. It perfectly described my bio-father, who would NEVER have EVER said “I’m sorry” or pretended that he had any remorse. My P-son, however, was great at PRETENDING remorse and belief in God. Maybe that is why I hung on to my son for so long, thinking there might be a possible “saving” of him, whereas with my P-bio-father, I knew he was dangerous fairly quickly (after about a couple of years) and after the physical attack on me, I wasn’t about to go back. He SPEWED hate, my P son could pretend to understand “love” and “remorse” my P-bio father didn’t even admit there was such a thing as “love” or “God.”

That is actually a pretty good insight I “clicked” on today for me. (nodding head here) That might be why I didn’t equate my P-son as a “true” psychopath for so long, even though he was a killer, like my P-bio-father, he doesn’t even hold a candle to compare to the EVIL in my P-bio father.


Gosh Ox,
I am sorry you have been surrounded by Psychos so much. You are such a help to people now. Like Travis said, it gives the rest of us a feeling that we are not alone. I am so tired that I could barely get the bottles in the washer and I cried on the way home from work. I cried because I wished someone would put the bottle in the washer for me:) I am unable to meet anyone meaningful, I have got a lot of baggage at this point and an instant family is not on most peoples mind of a great date. It feels like having to go no contact with these psychos has isolated me even more. I know it is what is best. But I get blue, I have never been so tired in my life. I come to this sight and I feel that there are people who understand.


Yes Bird we do! And we are here to tell you are never alone! At your weakest point at your wits end when you feel as if He has Forsaken You that is when you are the closest to Him.

My God , My God , Why Have You left me here all alone ?

I Look behind me in the sands of my life and all I see is one set of foot prints !

My Child those are my foot prints , where I have carried You !

LOVE jere

Ox Drover

Dear dear Bird,

What you are feeling is perfectly normal, even if you had a hubby at home that was a wonderful man you would still feel tired from working and taking care of a baby and trying to have time for your hubby too….been there and I know it is difficult under the BEST of circumstances and yours sure were not the “best” by a long shot, being left preg and alone, abandoned, etc. Hun, you have done wonderfully, and yes it will be a while before you meet the right guy, but you know something, the “instant family” will be just more for him to love! He will love you and the Birdie too.

I know that there are times that things just get “down” cause you are so tired, and that happens to all mommies of baby birdies…and even to old ladies like me, we just get so tired, but you pamper yourself and Birdie, and just do the absolute minimum you can, get as much rest as you can and don’t worry about the rest, it will be there when your mood is better and you are not so tired. Tonight I went to my bedroom with a sink full of dirty dishes cause I worked outside all day while the weather was good doing things that I can’t do in the cold or the rain, but I can wash dishes inside no matter what the weather is outside. I know the “dish fairy” isn’t going to come and do them, but I also know that the health department isn’t going to come and close down my house if I go get on my bed instead of doing the dishes.

Bird, when you feel isolated, just come here to LF and you will have all the people who understnd there for you. Just be GOOD TO YOURSELF, Sugar! You deserve it. ((((hugs)))))) and pinch Birdie’s cute little cheeks and tell him his auntie Oxy sends her love!


Bird, you are not alone, and you do have an instant family–us! I know a lot of people who are married and have families who are incredibly lonely and isolated. I really believe that feeling of “family” is not tied to having a partner. Otherwise, I’d be really screwed! I know what it’s like to just be exhausted and not even have the energy to get out of bed. I’ve been there so many times. Maybe you’re not supposed to be doing any work right now, but just taking it easy. I hope you have a restful night and do something really nice for yourself tomorrow.


Hi Bird: You’re not alone, we are all here for you, just as you are here for us. Hang in there sweety, you’ve got that little baby bird to love, care for, provide for … and that is the greatest gift God could ever give anyone. You are truly blessed … and just think, you’ve gotten over the worst of this horrific hurdle … knowing the truth about “HIM” …as did the rest of us have to find out the facts of our “HIMS/HERS/PARENTS/BOSSES/CO-WORKERS/POLITICIANS … YES, YES, YES .. TIME FOR BOTH PARTIES TO CLEAN HOUSE OF THE PSYCHOPATHS RUNNING OUR COUNTRY INTO THE GROUND CAUSE THEY CAN’T FEEL AND THEREFORE, DON’T CARE…

I don’t know why all these egos took off on a life of their own, but they did … and now the rest of us have to deal with their destruction.

It is nothing you did sweet heart … he was attracted to your love and kind heart … know that. Have power in that knowledge … and you will get through this … one step at a time … step by step. Best book for you to read right now is Tolle’s “A New Earth” … he will show you how to go into the NOW, this minute …. right now … the past is the past, the future hasn’t arrive yet, all you have is now … focus on the now, with your baby … and the rest of the future, will take care of it’s self … pour your life into your child.

Peace Bird, peace to you and baby bird … you ARE making it … you just don’t realize it … but, you will, you’re a tough cookie.


I will be reading your entries with great interest as I just had a son a couple of months ago with a sociopath. I was devalued and discarded while I was pregnant but unfortunetly the sociopath still comes around. I wish I could go totally no contact, but legally that is sticky especially if I ever end up in court with him. But I maintain no contact as much as possible, which is 95% of the time.

Thank you everyone. You are ALL right, I really appreciate your words to remind me. What I feel is normal!! I need to just take it easy as much as I can. And Wini, I will look into that book. I can’t be reminded enough to focus on the now:)


Bird: The book will help you forget about what your EX is all about, helping you put the trauma behind you … and we can all use help from every where we can find it … I know personally, that book was a God send … it was so right … at the right moment in time that I needed to get all this bull out of my mind …

Plus, the positive side of reading that book … you will enjoy your baby so much more … not, that you don’t now … but the book’s teachings … will enhance the bond you have with your precious, precious baby.

And Bird, you are never alone with all of us here … we are all in the same boat … and it is NOT SINKING … and some of the bloggers can sing … LOL … that’s another positive … maybe they’ll sing to your baby bird a lullaby.

Peace to you Bird and Baby Bird.


Oh, and Bird, don’t be concerned if you keep falling asleep while starting the book. That’s normal. There is just so much jammed into the book and it will overwhelm your senses, without realizing it … so for the first couple of weeks you’ll read a few pages, then fall asleep … pick the book up again … read a few more pages … fall asleep. Put the book down for a few days … pick it up again … and fall asleep. After a couple of weeks of on again off again … you can then read it cover to cover in one sitting.

After you read it once, put it down for a week or two, pick it up again … the more you heal, the more you’ll see. It’s one of those books that you can read over and over and over again … and the same pages that you read today, have something else hidden … that you will see and understand when you are ready.

I put that book next to my Bibles … and yes, I have quit a few Bibles … and Tolle’s book will allow you to see a different way of reading the Bible too. So much more pops out of the Bible … what you would think a scripture meant one year, has a totally different meaning today … but that goes with living life, all the ups and all the downs.



I found Travis’s story consoling, because someone else in the world has had to live with psychopaths of this extreme like I did. They are everywhere. Ted Bundy says it in his last interview before he was executed, “they are your sons, your husbands, your fathers, your next door neighbour and your friends.” The only difference is the ones I know are not in death row or in prison. The police have been properly informed repeatedly over twenty five years.
I can only assume that the police have their fair share of psychopaths and it is in their interest to keep this information to themselves.



I will be thinking of you in court tomorrow.
I know you will be just fine in there.
Program your mind for victory.

P.S. After we douse the P-musician with drinks, let’s go spray down your P-teacher with pepper spray (after you are out of that class, of course).
That would be a good night.


Dear Rosa,
It was a tough day but it ALWAYS brings me closer to God and I know that is why it happens. I am doing what you said and programming my mind for victory. I am learning about “loving” them from a very long distance so that they don’t toxify my system. I think I lost about a stone in weight today. I am skinny again in one day! lol!
I am totally up for the pepper spray after the toast over the P-muso’s, ( I hope that lady finally got away from him!) (Where do you buy pepper spray?)
Thankyou for being here tonight. I couldn’t do this without you Rosa.
If you know I will be fine in there tomorrow then I know I will be too. Day at a time.
Thankyou so much for being YOU!
love Tilly


You know, what happened on the outside in the court was horrific. With my daughter and her father. But you know Rosa, I pulled out the knives and spears from my heart and my gutze when I was in the ladies toilet. I had to do it physically like literally and then I was sick everywhere. It feels like my heart and head will explode with sadness and pain, but my anger is going Rosa. I can feel it going and with it their hold over me.


Love you.


Tilly, it sounds like you have just been through another terrible trial by fire:( My thoughts are with you as you go through this.

Yes they are everywhere, they can be your friends your family, father’s mother’s, children…

Some are lucky enough never to have run ins with them, and some, like every single one of us on here are not that lucky.

Some try to drive you to suicide, break you emotionally or mentally or financially, and some just come out and try to murder you in the ‘old fashioned’ way, or sometimes all of the above. BUT all of them will take you to the brink of destruction if they can. It is what they do.

I have had two TRUE evil ones in my life (and then a few more that are extremely toxic that I guess are a mixture of all sorts of disorders). It sucks that they’re out there.

They are out there because it is so difficult to bring them to ‘justice’, even if you get the police to take it up,or be interested, you must fight tooth and nail to get a case (DV, rape, sexual abuse) to the finish line. They are out there because people refuse to SPEAK out, or deny their existance… I hope this will change over time.x

What you are doing standing up in court is incredibly brave,and important and incredibly traumatic (although I dont know the specific ins and outs of course)

I wish with all my heart that this will be the LAST encounter with a S/P you have,(I think you’ve done your time in S/P world!)… and if you do, its just as they sail past you on the street and they keep on sailing, or at the very worst you are able to find a way out quickly like Oxy did recently:)x… actually I wish that for us all!

I also hope that after this trial, you will be able to rest and find some peace to recover from all this.




Pepper Spray can sometimes be difficult to find in some states. It sounds crazy, but in some states, it’s actually illegal for people who aren’t police to carry it. I’m a law abiding citizen, but when it comes to that law, I think it’s better to be safe and have pepper spray. Anyone can buy it online from any state though. Right now it’s on special online at Sierra Trading Post. It’s just over five bucks. If you sign up for something called “Deal Flyer” with them, you can get an email to take an extra 20% off all items, so it would be even cheaper. Sometimes they do free shipping too. Here’s the link:,2002D_UDAP-Pepper-Spray-4-oz.html

I hope that helps.



I don’t know why, but I’m having difficulty getting the link I posted to work, so you can go to and do a search for pepper spray and find it. Are we allowed to post links to other sites on here? If not, I’m sorry to doing so.

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