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Overcoming barriers to moving on with adult development

A relationship with a sociopath occurs within the context of a person’s life. People do not stop growing and developing after adolescence. In fact, adult development is lifelong. Developmental psychologists say that early adulthood is the time that people come to grips with their needs for intimacy, love and friendship.

Once this developmental dilemma of “intimacy versus isolation” is addressed, mid life adults move on to the “generativity versus stagnation” phase. Mid life is the time when people build their lives and contribute meaningfully to society. In this phase, adults seek satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests. Generative adults create a path to meaning and purpose in their lives especially if their intimacy needs are also met.

The reference at the bottom of the page says “Generativity is an extension of love into the future. It is a concern for the next generation and all future generations. As such, it is considerably less “selfish” than the intimacy of the previous stage.”

Older adults grapple with the notion of “integrity versus despair.” Older adults often look back on their lives and assess their accomplishments in the realms of relationships and productivity. Each of us hopes to have a balance sheet that favors “integrity” and a sense of pride in a job well done.

Sociopaths derail the development of other adults in their lives. Furthermore, these developmental phases do not exist for sociopaths. Sociopaths do not care about real intimacy, productivity and integrity. They only care that their momentary needs for power and control are met. Thus they want the appearance of intimacy, the appearance of productivity and the appearance of integrity.

When you consider the impact on you, of victimization by a sociopath you have to consider how your adult development has been affected.

Were you left isolated without intimacy? Was your trust in others so destroyed that intimacy is difficult for you? Was your productivity affected? Did you lose the reputation you took much of your adult life to build? How can you still maintain a sense of integrity?

In my encounter with a sociopath, I lost much of what I had attempted to generate with my life. As a result, when I at times, ruminate and lament, my thoughts are that I wasted my talents, and allowed myself to be used to victimize others. I do not ruminate about lost love.

The impact of the lost generativity for me, was reduced by my continuing to pursue discovering a sense of purpose for my life. Although I lost many important relationships, those that remained became even more important and I resolved to work at them, especially my relationships with my children. Parental relationships are important for adults because they are intimate and productive as we nurture and mentor the next generation.

I have observed that most victims ruminate about lost love as opposed to lost productivity. It is good to remember that while intimacy and love are very important, generativity is also important. I spoke with a new friend this week, a woman in her 40s who was victimized by a con artist. During our discussion, she said that she had a hard time letting go of the sociopath because he represented the love relationship she always dreamed she would have.

My guess is that he specifically chose to victimize her because she told him of her dream of a solid intimate relationship. He knew he could “hook her” with her dream.

In mourning the loss of her dream and her present lack of intimacy, my new friend had neglected to work on the middle adult task of generativity. She has a good job but does not really feel fulfilled in that job. She has the desire for something more. Furthermore her teenagers are off to college and her parent role is changing.

I challenged her to work on generativity and consider building a greater sense of purpose and meaning in her life. She is clearly very talented and did have some good ideas for community service that would benefit both herself and her community. It is also critical to note that my new friend does work hard at keeping an exercise program and eating right.

She challenged me to think about the meaning of life. I do still hope that I will one day share life with someone special. I believe that although walking hand in hand on the beach with that special someone, enjoying the moment is important, there is more to life than that special relationship. If we find ourselves in a circumstance where romantic love is not available, we have to get satisfaction from other intimate relationships and from our life’s purpose.

My new friend gave me a valuable gift that I share with you. That is the knowledge that victims have the most time letting go when the sociopath has blocked or set back their journey toward adult development.

For more on the phases of adult development see Eric Ericson


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Lost love has never been my concern insomuch that I never felt any type of “real” love or intimacy from her so in that what can one miss that one never had to begin with. My lost is more concerned with productivity and generativity and also that I should have trusted my children more and her less. Now that I have been away from her control connection I really see how much personal growth and time I have lost. For me staying with a sociopath is like standing still in quicksand and all you can hope is that if you don’t “struggle” too much you will sink slower. Time itself stops when in this type of dysfunctional relationship. We grow older yes, but some never grow wiser. Only when it ends does time (for me anyway) starts to tick again and I again feel I am on the path I should and was on before I met her. It really pain me to think about all the time I spend on her when I should (generativity) spend this time on others that would have benefited from it as well as myself.

Another excellent and thought-provoking article. I identify very much with the woman being discussed. I’m in my 40’s and regarded my S as a chance at that ideal love relationship I never found. This has affected me more than loss of productivity because he never defrauded me out of any money or material things. In the aftermath, I have had to realize that I can be happy and productive without that kind of relationship because I may never find it. I do feel like I’m going through a midlife crisis, however, where I’m realizing I cannot attract men through my looks in the way I used to. This feels like a big loss for me, and I will need to let go of this part of my identity along with letting go of the image of a marriage I always dreamed of. It’s kind of a yucky place to be in right now, and I hope I will be able to reassert a new identity at some point.

Very good article, Dr. Leedom, and describes exactly what I have been doing with each of the P-episodes. Now tht I am P-free and the worst part of the healing is behind me I’m focusing of the future, “the reasons to get up in the morning” as well as “integrety vs despair” and looking back over my life, redefiniing my relationships with my sons.

At 60+ (and retired from my career) and with the full time farming operation and the air port closed down, what will I do with the rest of my life? What will I leave behind? Community service is the rent we pay for the space we occupy (can’t remember who said that) but I do believe it.

My desire for “intimacy” (love relationship) is not dead, but I am no longer “needy” so that I can’t envision a happy life without it, because now I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE, without it.

Yet another ah ha moment, Thank you Liane:

James and Stargazer thank you as well. I may not always hear what I want to hear, but I usually Always hear what I need to hear. I was told that the longer I was gone from my Ex, my denial would thin and I would be faced with the reality of just how “lifeless” my life really was. This article has helped me to see just how life less I allowed “my life” to become. Lost love was and still has not been my concern. However, I really felt a lump in my throat when James said “Lost love has never been my concern insomuch that I never felt any type of “real” love or intimacy from her so in that what can one miss that one never had to begin with. WOW!!!!! How can I profess to Miss something I never truly experienced? Why have I wasted all those tears? James I too stood in that quick sand. I think just the tips of my fingers were showing before “someone, something” pulled me out. Thank God I grew wiser.

I too am in my over the hump 40’s. I have always prided myself on “generativity” I think that is what kept me going during the times I was not in a relationship. Just before I married my EX ( I am still getting use to the EX part) I told him I wanted him to see me and my friends. He lived in one state and I in another. We had a long history. I visited him and got but just a glimpse of how he was living his life (at least the one he tried to paint for me). I think it kind of “freaked” him out. I had many friends and did many things in my community. I got up at the crack of dawn and did not return in till late at night. I loved giving and doing with out a motive. My co-dependency skills were well used in a constructive way. After I got married and moved many miles away, I began to realize that his giving had motives….he would give me $ to get things for some of the guy’s families at work that were not doing so well (financially). I made sure there was special goodies for the kids, something special for the mom and dad and if there were teenagers I got things that would appeal to them) they knew I was not working (he would not let me) therefore all the Thank you’s went to him and he soak up all the accolades ……he would look like a peacock with his feathers all ruffled. He would drive to the on off ramps were his old friends were standing with “god bless” signs begging for money in his convertible sports car and give them $20-$60.00. However, when ever I wanted to do things for people…he would have no part of it. There was one time when I did bite off a bit more than I could chew and hoped that he would just help me. He would not even get out of the car and actually gloated and made very unkind statements as he watched me bust my but to get the job done. Any time I did anything for anyone it was met with some kind of sarcastic remark. It was all I had left to feel like a human being. He never encouraged me. In the end I ended up doing nothing. Nothing for others or even myself.

Stargazer…Never say never…..Also, when I was a little girl I used to think Asparagus was YUCKY…….now I love it…I just had to refine my tastes. Refine yours by only allowing people into your life who treat you and themselves with dignity and respect….let them nibble the good, loving, caring parts of you just a little at a time. Any men who are attracted to anyone OnLY because of their good looks are not worth having. Let them get to know your insides once you figure out what they are again.

I just spent the last few days helping the sig other (came all the way from England) of a friend of mine, clean up his house and dispose of all his belongings as my friend passed unexpectedly. My friend had Aids but died unexpectedly of other health complications. Being able to be there and help in anyway I could was the best orgasm I could ever have. I felt like me again, I felt like I had a purpose. In return I got to let my heart smile again……I thought I had lost it (my heart that is)…but it’s back and I am never ever going to let any one stifle that part of me again.

Hugs to all of you….Molly

I also can identiy with the woman described in the article and very much with Stargazer’s post… I never got conned materially, only emotionally by my x-S…
The ugly “shituation” brought me even closer to my teenage daughter (my X-S always envied our close relationship), but leaves me wondering what to commit the rest of my life to… I have worked for years with “at risk children” which is both difficult and rewarding (although not in the financial sense), but I find myself restless and wanting to make some major changes, but in an indecisive state…

Molly, I would be happy to let others nibble away at parts of me, as long as they can nibble away in the mid-section where I’m trying to drop a few pounds. LOL

“Any time I did anything for anyone it was met with some kind of sarcastic remark.”

I too Molly can identify with this as my ex S did the same whenever I wanted to help someone and not ask for anything in return. I really can’t tell you have many times my ex would tell me how much other “people” were using me. God even a family member? Of course at the time I didn’t understand what a “projection” was. I see now she had no problem “using” me but hated it if anyone (which they never did) else she thought was “using” me. Whenever I do something for someone else it make me feel warm good and complete inside of me. What did you call it Molly a “orgasm”, well I guess in a way it is. A feeling of warm and satisfaction! That’s my reward and that’s my payment. Try explaining that too a sociopath and my lord I do hope you have the patience of JOB when doing so. I understand now how they don’t get these “feeling” and what a shame that is. 🙁

Stargazer,

By nibble, I meant to taste a little bit of the goodness in you a little at a time. I know I gave way to much way to fast to my EX. He chewed be up and spit me out when he was through with me. But in hind site I realize that he spit out the me I became for him…not the me I really was. I am just now starting to re learn who I was and who I want to be. Stargazer, I suddenly gained 20 lbs after I married my ex as he became severely depressed or actually may have just made that up as a ploy to keep me in the house laying on the bed while he watched the TV or bought stuff on e bay all weekend long. I wanted to volunteer with Habitat , at first he said ok when he thought I would be sitting in a office licking stamps. When he found out I wanted to be in the field helping to build houses; he told me no because the neighborhood was too dangerous. Anyway after I left I dropped down to 97 pounds…I have not weighed that little since 5th grade. No one wants me anymore now than when I was much heavier. Besides, when I looked my best, I sometimes found that men only wanted me for one thing. That very often left me feeling much worse than if I would have been alone. If someone is going to treat you anything less than what your true heart desires than they are not worth it.

James: If we focus on God’s virtues, we feel the sensations that comes from conducting our lives virtuously … living/feeling what we’ve learned…. concluding with a life long satisfaction, comfort, peace … etc.

Same with the vices … which is not the way God wants wo/man to live … therefore, no feelings of satisfaction or feelings of anything permanently … just disastisfaction/frustration/anger of the vices… instant gratification for a split second … no life time satisfaction, comfort, peace … just chaos, over and over again.

Opposites … always, opposites in life, up/down, left/right, yes/no, etc. etc. etc.

Free will … choose wisely.

Peace.

REV , DR , PSYCITRIST . PSYCOLOGIST . Off. RETARD . Virgo , GAY Christian , Human being ,BOSSLEY IN THE HOUSE :)~

YUPPERS !

The ironic part of this is what they seek and want from us they can’t even hold on to ! Their satisfaction is fleeting ! Pooooffff and then what? their desire for stimulation is never satisfyed ! the merly observe it !

Very very sad existance , if you could call it that ! It’s more percisly put as living hell ! LOVE jere

Hey Indigoblue: Did I spell Bossley incorrect?

“If someone is going to treat you anything less than what your true heart desires than they are not worth it.”

You got that right Molly! This is something I myself will never allow to happen again! I am worth it and more!!! So are all of us!!!

You willl notice that spelling is not my strong suit I could never do anagrams like Lector I’d have to think fore ever :)~

Indigoblue: Yes they do have a sad existence … no one ever taught them anything differently and they never figured out (free will) they they could live their lives differently.

Some people crave living on a perpetual roller coaster ride ….

The Bible tells us to go silent, go still, (meaning slow down) at least once a day … to reflect on the day’s events.

Opposite again … they don’t reflect, they don’t slow down …they don’t think about anything except their next thrill of the con … never realizing they can do for themselves.

Dear Molly,

QUOTE: “I dropped down to 97 pounds”….”no one wants me anymore now than when I was heavier”

I don’t know how big a woman you are, Molly, but 97 pounds is quite small. I am also concerned about you thinking that dropping down to such a slim weight would influence people to “want you”

I know that everyone wants to “feel attractive” to the opposite sex, even old women like me, but believe me dear when I say that a person who would not find you attractive because you weighed 120 pounds vs 100 pounds is not going to be a “good catch” anyway.

People who base their attraction to others on “looks” are going to be disappointed in us eventually anyway, because that is such a shallow reason to “like” or “love” someone.

A friend of mine used to say “We should choose our lovers by personality, not looks, because in the end, we all end up looking like Yoda Anyway” LOL

What you are inside, what he tried to “crush down and kill,” that wonderful giving part of you, that’s what is important, not 20 pounds one way or the other. Take back that REAL MOLLY, the one that is YOU. ((((hugs)))))

Molly and OxD,
Your posts really lifted my spirits this evening. (That, and a guy who could be a Johnny Depp lookalike was just flirting with me on my other site–I’m such a femme fatale!)

You are right. Beauty is in a person’s energy, not in the age or physical attributes. It wasn’t quite a boink with the skillet but a little rap with a smaller frying pan. 🙂 I don’t always see the beauty in the mirror. I often see the wrinkles and gray hairs. Sometimes it takes friends to reflect back our beauty when we don’t see it ourselves. But friends who know us on the inside.

Knowing what we all know now, will we fall prey again?. Why if they are the Sociopaths are they going on in life like nothing ever happened,continuing to be successful financially, when some of us are just scraping by week to week. How can they be more social than when they held some of us in almost captive like situations, make decisions and choices without a blink of the eye, while some of us sit home on a Friday night still frightened by our own shadows as we sit Doubting every thought, questioning every decision, unsure of our own sanity as we Refuse to become hardened, bitter, giving like we never lost before, dreaming like our hearts were never broken, Yet unable to sleep as we still desperately search for the right words, or actions which will give us the answers our hearts/souls still long for?
Call me a martyr, but no matter how broken I may allow myself to become I want to have just enough energy to continue to give what ever I have left to others. I once heard something like “it get it you have to give it away”. Not sure if it’s true or not but that is surely something I won’t mind if I died trying. Can’t think of a better way to go.

You are worth it James…We all are….even they are(if they could only believe it maybe they would not be that way)?

Doc Liane
Why would they not want us to contribute to a meaningful society? Are they afraid that we won’t have enough time for them?

How can they have wreaked havoc on our lives and we still pine for them?

Will we ever get the answers to our questions or will our dilemma just be added to the one liners like “how did the chicken get to the other side of the road” only it will go “how did the loving, kind human being get the sociopath to explain why he/she did what they did and tell it truthfully.

Because we are more human than they are, Molly. Humans feel weak, scared, caring, and desire to make a difference. S’s feel painfully bored and desire only to play games with people. It is a shallow menial existence, and I wouldn’t trade my pain for theirs in all the tea in China.

I don’t know if we will ever get the answers. But I believe we slowly lose interest in finding the answers. It becomes less and less important to know. The most important thing to know is that they are dangerous, and we need to stay away from them, no matter what they may say or do. I believe they will reep their karma in due time.

Ohhh noo I won’t do it again. My shrink said he could put me in a room with 25 men and I would pick the spath. It took me 54 years to go to a shrink – cause I know I am doing something wrong – I am attracting the wrong people – so I am fixing my picker – and I will pick the next one – I will not be picked ever again….even if I live alone I am good with that – I will not be picked …

Thanks OxDrover,

I was just trying to cheer stargazer up. I did not drop down to 97 pounds on purpose. I have been eating and eating and I just kept loosing weight after I “ESCAPED”. I am not a doctor but I am thinking that all my nervous energy just kept eating away at what ever calories I took in. Also, I had been so sedentary being kept in the house, not being allowed to be as physically active as I had been prior to us getting together.

Thank you for saying “TRIED” to crush and kill. Yes, he did and I see that more and more the longer I have been gone.

This is not on the subject but I just wanted to share that my divorce was final on the 16th of sept. A few of my friends had given me a hard time because I had continued to wear my wedding ring up in till the divorce. I would reply when asked “I am still married”. After my divorce I moved the ring to my necklace and again was asked why I still wore the ring and this time I replied “I still love him”. Oct 27th would have been our two year wedding anniversary and as I was walking up my steps my necklace fell off and the ring went tumbling down the stairs. At first I grabbed the ring and went to put it back on the necklace. Then it seemed as if each and every one of you suddenly appeared in my hallway and said “MOLLY, YOU DESERVE BETTER” let go……you can do it girl…let go.
Well I did it. The ring is off….for good. The next day..the article on domestic violence I was interviewed for came out. I was afraid of some of the words the writer used were very harsh but friends asured me they were the truth. At the end the writer wrote ” One in every 4 women…sherry, patty, debbie and molly..
molly (last name) It was the first time I heard ‘MY” name the one the judge gave back to me. Along with the name, I am also taking back “my” life……Thanks to all of you and many other friends. Thank You from the bottom of my heart….Molly

Thanks Henry,

“so I am fixing my picker – and I will pick the next one – I will not be picked ever again”.even if I live alone I am good with that – I will not be picked ””

I love what you said…I never thought it was I who was picked, but I guess you are right….he knew.

Gotya!!!!…..Never again.

Molly: It is nervous energy from the shock of TRUTH hitting us in our faces.

I lost so much weight, my sister thought I turned anorexia … I said, I’m eating the same, it’s just the shock of all of this. I pinned my clothes for a full year until I gained some weight back. My clothes still don’t fit right … or is that left?

Had to wear out fits I thought I’d never wear again (not that I was complaining … yippee).

Anyone wishing to loose weight, I’ll give you my EXs address (LOL)… I knew they’d be good for something … just have to focus on the positives …. (LOL).

Peace.

Dear Molly,

I’m glad you were not deliberately losing the weight. I too lost 35 pounds (which I could have stood to have lost) but didn’t do it healthy or eating right. I am now getting healthy and even though I have gained back the 35 pounds, I am more healthy, more active and feeling better than I have in years.

I am also happy with the way I look, even the wrinkles!

I am also glad that the “chain broke”—that was a GOOD OMEN for sure! I am also glad that you are taking back your life my dear!

Henry, sweetie, I hope your “picker” is better next time, I hope all our “pickers” are better. BTW Henry, next time you get a BF, you have to bring him to my house and let me check him out and see if I approve of him. And I will tell him if he makes you cry I will beat him up with my skillet! LOL

Hey Oxy … and you’re not even a Jewish grandmother from Brooklyn … can you match make all of us … I’d trust your judgment.

Peace.

I hate too admit this -but – for year’s I have said the best way for me too lose weight is fall in love – hmmm – duh – boink – Oxy – I doubt there will be a next BF but if I do pick someone I will bring him to you and you can interrogate him for me and wini will do a back ground check ;;;;

and indigoblue can use his credit cards….:)~

Was that Picker or pecker???:)~ And A I Have to approve of any one Henry !!!!!!!!

The weight issue caught my attention. When I was dating the S, I gave so much of my time to the relationship, the travel, the phone calls, the planning of time together (it was a long distance thing), and the the time needed to get my household back in order after being on a mini-escape vacation with him. In the process I missed my time at the gym and exercise was becoming irregular. I gained slightly, but not anything awful. Yet this trivial fact came out in the abrupt “devalue and discard”. After six months of being drooled over and told how sexy and attractive I am, he claimed I misrepresented myself in the image he found from the profile I had when we met online six months prior! It was so illogical after all the sensual intimacy we shared up till the last time we were together!

He also degraded other parts of my body which God gave me and I have nothing to do with. (I think it all came out after I had caught him online soliciting for sexual encounters in an adult dating site which also made no sense when I was being told how special I was the whole time). It was just so hurtful really. And, after the “mask fell off” and I learned how cruel a person could be (although I still don’t view it as deliberate evil, just a total disregard of my feelings, the way I have come to understand that a S just doesn’t get it and seeks only thrills and immediate pleasures), I was so hurt that I ended up feeling very much alone, worthless, and eating “comfort food.” (Thankfully, this was also the time I found Lovefraud and began a journey of healing that still continues today).

I have turned things around though, and I have some progress to report. Over the last few months, I have been very regular with exercise and swim about 3 or 4 miles a week. I am more toned and feel I am in great shape. I am still afraid to date anyone, but I have been learning to take care of myself better now, physically but much more importantly: emotionally. (I also have a special new upgrade too: “S-radar” is installed and functioning very well, it has a few different settings too for P’s and N’s. I have already weeded out a few more recently!) I attend church now regularly, I also get to sex/love addicts meetings about 3 times a week. The support groups really have helped me much the same way Lovefraud has in restoring some sanity to my life after such an awful encounter.

I am no longer looking for (or desperate for) romantic escapes (I fight lonely feelings from time to time but also know I am worth preserving), and am learning about setting healthy boundaries. Through this site and in the group meetings I attend I have connected with others who are also trying to find peace in the their lives, to come to terms with their past in healthy ways (rather than be lost in romantic escapes or other addictions or feeling so perpetually and horribly victimized.) This has helped me to accept my life more each day, the painful parts (having grown up with a angry Borderline parent) as well as the good parts. Having faith (flexing this spiritual muscle) has been the key to this recovery, that is also the spirit in which this post is offered.

Thank you Dr. Liane and Donna Anderson, and all who have contributed here. The site is still a center of my healing and for finding reminders that our pasts can be looked at differently, in constructive terms when casting aside the old debris from the devastation of a sociopath’s abuse.

Molly said: “How can they have wreaked havoc on our lives and we still pine for them?”

Here is where I have trouble “identifying” with some of the posters on lovefraud. Although I did, as many of you, go back and forth with my P for a long time, once I was able to make that final break (moved out of State) and finally went complete NO CONTACT………I feel RELIEVED. I do not pine for him at all. Although my phone VM has been full for 9 months now and he cannot get thru, not even to leave a message, he still goes in cycles where he attempts contact. None for about 6 weeks now. At first it would make me nervous if I saw his name on caller id (I’m tired of changing #’s so that is why I just leave vm full).

My P was the devil as far as I’m concerned (although he could turn on the charm, and like so many of you have mentioned he was quite good in bed). But I don’t mourn for him at all. I don’t miss him and the craziness at all. I don’t think about who he is dating or charming or conning or possibly terrorizing now (although at first I dd a bit). Every week that passes and he attempts no contact is a good week as far as I’m concerned. So, if I could pick one word to describe how I feel now that the relationship is finally over, that word would be RELIEF.

I have had 4 months of NC, and I can honestly say the pining has started to fade. I still have some nostalgia for the 2-1/2 month affair wth the S, but it’s not the deep pain it used to be. I have gone out on a few dates and flirted with other guys. The past memories are starting to fade and not have such an emotional charge as they used to.

I still have his 25 voice messages saved on my voicemail. I tell myself that it’s in case the army ever needs them again. I never did find out what they did to him for defrauding them. I listen to them once in a blue moon, and I feel sad and nostalgic for a few minutes. But then I’m able to go about my day and focus on other things. I don’t feel the aliveness and promise of fulfillment I felt during those few months with him. But it’s not worth risking my life to have that feeling with someone who is out to harm me. I need all my relationships to have a solid foundation of friendship, understanding, and respect. I will not jump quickly into a sexual relationship again or lower my standards because I feel someone is so special that I can make an exception.

Stargazer that post is so right on….”I need my relationships to have a solid foundation of friendship, understanding and respect” “never again will I lower my standards for a “special someone”…
Jen2008,
I am RELIEVED also, ( over 3 months of NC) and I do not pine for my X-S, but he STILL does occupy my brain way too much… He could also be charming and was very good in bed, but I know that his “charm” and his “skills” were just manipulations he perfected over the years…

I’m pretty sure i said this allready but anywhos

I saw threw that pasaude and I saw the man and a soul !

The psyco was transparent the being was not !

I thought I could touch the soul but the psyco did’nt want it touched , that would be pain he does not want to feel !

For the Narcissist, the Borderline, the Histrionic, and the Anti-Social, to not be able to see one’s self is a great victory. For us it is the ultimate loss.

You all have such unique ways of expressing yourselves. I am enjoying your posts this morning. Indigo, you have the heart of a poet.

that is why we loved them – we did catch a glimps of their souls – underneath all that pain and evil –

presseject – good to see you here and good to hear about your progress – seems like you and I both realize we have to change behavior’s and pattern’s to stop getting involved with the wrong people – or stop letting wrong people get us….peace

“You are worth it James”We all are”.even they are”

Interesting thing about one’s worth is that is really depend on one’s belief and understanding of that worth.

Star (hope you don’t mind me shorting your name a tat) wrote:

“You are right. Beauty is in a person’s energy, not in the age or physical attributes”

But I believe it isn’t “just” beauty but everything about that person. If you ever were in a room full of people and a new person join the group. Some people (yes I know sociopaths do this as well but mostly by being loud and sometimes acting like a social butterfly) just fill the room with their present without saying a word or doing anything special. Their personal “energy” is a part of them where ever they may be or go. They are so full of life it is pick up by other people. And if you take the time to meet them you will walk away feeling “warm” and good about yourself. But also be careful for these people are truth tellers and have very well define boundaries and will let you know if you cross them. You are right Star about this “energy” for it is something that we have and will be displayed for that is who we are not someone we are trying to act like. Which takes me right into the (haven’t read it yet) the next article about Hollywood. See U all there!

“Oct 27th would have been our two year wedding anniversary and as I was walking up my steps my necklace fell off and the ring went tumbling down the stairs. At first I grabbed the ring and went to put it back on the necklace. Then it seemed as if each and every one of you suddenly appeared in my hallway and said “MOLLY, YOU DESERVE BETTER” let go—you can do it girl”let go.”

Fantastic story! I really can relate to it! Thanks for sharing it!

James I hear you … the end of October would have been 10 years that I knew/met my EX. Funny how they choose Halloween to come into our space… daaaaaaaaaaa.

Peace.

My Dad used to tell me … hold judgment about anyone you meet for at least 9 months after you meet them … because everyone will put their best foot forward, best face on when you first meet … then as the months wear on … little by little their guard come down … and you will see the TRUE person behind the mask when they least expect it or think no one is paying attention because they nailed you on their first meeting… leaving everyone with that great first impression.

I always remembered these words of wisdom from my DAD for evaluating everyone I met … my only mistake, was telling my EX about my father’s wisdom before the 9 month period was up, which of course, he used that against me too… that and reading my 30-40 pages of what I liked about people and what I did not like about people (GOOD Qualities/BAD Qualities chart)… my own guide book of what I would put up with and what I refused to put up with from people (all people).

Peace.

Hello Jen2008,

I used to pine all the time. I too have as time has passed done this less and less. I had just read soo many post’s were I could almost hear the loss a twinge of yearning in some of the messages. The other day I actually sat wondering what facial expressions, body posture, tone’s of voice went with each post. I know some days I can talk and walk with confidence but my insides feel infected with self pity, grief and remorse. There is a saying I hear a lot, “fake it till you make it”. Now while I would ordinarily never condone faking anything, this dose not sound that harmful.
Some people just take longer than others for a variety of reasons…is 6 months too long to get over a 39 year dream? 6 months ago I thought of him 24/7, for several months. I would think of him while I was sleeping, the second I got up and till the very last waking moment. As time past it has dwindled. I still have my moments, but for the most part as I have read many times on this blog…”The pining is for what I wanted or thought it could be not for what it was”.

Stargazer, the editor for the article I was in on domestic violence wrote “and he morphed into the devil incarnate” after I described his behavior on one occasion. After I read that description, FEAR raced through my entire being. My first thought was OMG, if he ever read this he is going to think that I said that and I didn’t. After I read that part to a friend, she said “MOLLY” that is exactly how he behaved. I felt guilty for thinking poorly of him and then REALITY hit as more of my Denial was lifted. Blackened eye’s with the death stair, bulging veins in his neck and face, clinched fists, hate full words being forced out of his mouth…sounds like the devil to me. What’s that saying “if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it must be a duck”.

Also “I will not jump quickly into a sexual relationship again or lower my standards because I feel someone is so special that I can make an exception.” THANK YOU !!!!…NO MORE EXCEPTIONS…BUT HE”S…… fill in the blank____________. NO MORE EXCEPTIONS AND NO MORE BUT”S.

Henry…We took that glimpse and ran with it didn’t we. YOU are, WE are all worth more than just a GLIMPSE..of goodness.

Thanks James…..Now I wonder how I will answer the doctor the next time he asks me if I hear voices in my head. I guess I will have to be honest and say yes, OxDrover, Henry, Stargazer, Wini, James, Stormee, Indigoblue and about a dozen more…why do you ask?

Well, I’ve been credited for lots of things, but never being the voice in someone’s head! LOL, Molly!

Before I met the S, I had a very strict rule about married men. I never dated one and swore I never would. But the S convinced me that they were living separately (which was a lie) and that they were waiting for certain legal things to happen to file for the divorce (also a lie). After spending a few weeks as friends, I decided that in HIS case, it would be okay to date him, because he was so sincere and honest (ha ha ha). My friends loved him, and he seemed to genuinely care for me. My friends believed that 6 weeks after his divorce was final (the divorce that never happened), he would propose to me. I believed the fairy tale. He was SOOO special, he was the exception to my rule about married men. Then he claimed they finally filed the divorce papers (the biggest lie). To my knowledge they are still married and trying to defraud the army out of a lot of money. At least he is.

NEVER again! No more married men. Period. Not separated, or even newly divorced. Zippo. Zilch. Nada. Learned my lesson. And what a hard lesson it was.

molly (your insides feel infected with self pity grief and remorse) sweet heart we need take a walk and hold hands..I too hold my head up and am trying hard to carry on. Does anyone have a sense of fear in them – fear of what was in our life for so long – fear of what had us hooked? I won’t take all the blame for this – I was encountered by someone/ something Evil. I still feel uneasy about that – I dont fear him – just a stunned feeling. I know and understand they mirror us and we miss what we wanted and they pretended to be. But that is deliberate and calculated evil….. I dont pine for him – I pine for closure that I dont think I will ever get – yes this is supposed to make us stronger and wiser – but I feel like i need an excorcism to get him out of my head………other than that I am having a great day~~~~!!!!

Molly: It just goes to prove … about that romantic notion … Titanic sinking and you are going to go down to the depths of the freezing seas with your man/woman …

That its OK to JUMP SHIP … You don’t need to be a hero(ine), to go down with the likes of them.

Hey, they locked the lower class passengers in the bowels of the ship,NOW didn’t they?

Peace.

Henry, I’m just grateful that the psychos in my life only wanted to destroy my career and steal my money and hence, burn my life as I knew it.

It could have been worse, they could have escalated to murder! … Give them time, they do spin through all the cycles of sin … each one giving them bigger and better thrills.

Hey, anyone wonder why none of them are locked up in prison? Tells you how far our society has fallen into the depth of fools running our country. Fools despise wisdom … remember that.

Peace.

Molly, I think everyone is different in the grieving process. I just think I went through alot of the grief/longing for what was or what I thought he was,( but was not), process before I ever totally got away from my P. Then when I did get away from him, it was mainly relief that was left.

Henry, You asked about fear. I am more frightened of my P NOW (when I allow myself to really think about him with any depth to the thought) that I am away from him than I was when I was with him (even during the stalking/threatening stage). I think it is because I was so numb then that alot of the stuff just wasn’t registering with me as to the depths of danger. Now that emotions are coming back (to me) and I look back on it all, I think HOLY S**T!

I don’t take the blame for any of his horrible behavior. However, I do take the blame (not in the sense of beating myself up), but in the sense of trying to figure out why I didn’t get out of the relationship immediately at the first signs of trouble, when it would not have been as difficult or complicated to do so. If I don’t at least look at my own behavior and try to figure out what motivated me, then I think I would be in danger of a wash and repeat type relationship with someone else (although it is unimaginable to me that I could run across another person as devious and cruel and psychopathic as the ex), but ya never know.

But to clear up my feelings on the subject, I do understand those in the process of trying to decide to get out of the relationship, or those freshly out, pining and mourning and also the indecision (hopefulness that maybe you are wrong about the person) and then also the pain of realizing this person you were involved with and gave your heart to is nothing short of a monster. And I understand the need to talk about the feelings and pain, and I think this blog is a great place to work out those feelings with people who understand and have been there.

I love that Henry …yes, that’s it an Exorcism.

Back to Doc Liane’s orig post: It made me think…I never recall a moment when I was a little girl saying to my self…when I grow up I want to find a man who will laugh and discourage me from all that I believe in. He will keep me from helping others under the guise of “keeping me safe”. He will some how convince me that hoarding things we can not eat or use at auctions is better than paying his back tax’s. That my using my productivity in ways to help others was only setting myself up to be used. That sex was a 3 letter word for intimacy. That balance sheets did not exist…because if you had to list even one thing on the other side you were a looser, you somehow let someone get the best of you, you somehow let them catch you off guard. Be in control at all times, only give if you will get, but do not give more than you will get in return.
Doc Liane, I wrote down all the positive word’s in your post on a sheet of paper…..integrity, intimacy, love, friendship, purpose, special, fulfilled, meaning, community service, generativity. Then I wrote the negative words on the other half, con artist, victimized, isolation, stagnation, despair, power, control, destroy. The first set is what I always dreamed of in regards to traits of the man I dreamed of, the second is what I thought I would have steered clear of…but exactly the traits my EX possessed. I felt sad as I placed my EX’s name on one side of the paper and proud that I could place my name on the other…I’ll let each of you guess who’s name went where.

As for reputation…some of my friends did originally ask…what were you thinking, why would you even want to associate with someone like this let alone convince yourself that you are in love with him. Then through the grace of God, did I continue to get their acceptance as they knew his values were not mine. They knew I only wanted to share my view of the world in hopes that he would “jump over” to the other side and indeed…”live happily ever after”.

JEN2008: Could it possibly be due to all the anti-social’s writing children books and nursery rhymes … we read as kids … kiss that frog and turn it into a prince … oh, the ways the anti-socials have manipulated our minds …

Look at the media and how they tell people how they should look, how much you should weigh, not weigh, what we should wear, drive, house to buy, what careers we should pursue … oh, and give us your money and get that college degree or you are nothing … NOTHING, you won’t get anywhere, won’t be anything … blue collar/white collar/this collar, that collar … blah, blah, blah, blah… should I go on all the subliminal messages given out by wall streeters backing all the ad execs … and now look at the bailout … tell you something about how this country went down the toilet … no wonder the world hates the U.S. That’s US!

Get down to basics and read the Bible…Pick it up and open the book and read it … that’s how we are suppose to live, not what some suit tells us how to live …

Don’t have a Bible … look on the net (it’s FREE) … it’s printed in every version, every language … it’s the most popular book in the world … the most printed, the most published, the most bought!

Just unwrap your mind from the conditioning that this money hungry society has done … and you will survive.

Peace.

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