CRON: Array ( [1552870515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552870815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552871115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552871415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552871715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552872015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552872315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552872615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552872915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552873215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552873515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552873815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552874115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552874415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552874715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552875015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552875315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552875615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552875915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552876215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552876515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552876815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552877115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552877415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552877715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552878015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552878315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552878615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552878915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552879215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552879515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552879815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552880115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552880415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552880715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552881015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552881315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552881615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552881915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552882215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552882515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552882815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552883115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552883415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552883715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552884015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552884315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552884615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552884915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552885200] => Array ( [woocommerce_scheduled_sales] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552885215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552885515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552885815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552886115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552886415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552886715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552887015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552887200] => Array ( [reschedule_event_post] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552887315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552887615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552887915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552888215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552888515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552888815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552889115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552889415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552889715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552890015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552890315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552890615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552890915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552891215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552891515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552891728] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-easy-social-share-buttons3] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1552891815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552892115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552892145] => Array ( [bestwebsoft_wp_update_plugins] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1552892294] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-ad-inserter-pro] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1552892415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552892715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552893015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552893315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552893615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552893915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552894215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552894515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552894815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552895115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552895200] => Array ( [reschedule_event_post] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552895415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552895715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552896015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552896486] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-easy-social-share-buttons] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1552896615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552897215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552897515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552897815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552898102] => Array ( [wp_1_wc_privacy_cleanup_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => wp_1_wc_privacy_cleanup_cron_interval [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 300 ) ) ) [1552898115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552898415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552898715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552899015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552899315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552899318] => Array ( [ao_cachechecker] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1552899615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552899915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552900215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552900515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552900815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552901336] => Array ( [wpbdp_daily_events] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552901415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552901861] => Array ( [_cron_zencache_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552902015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552902315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552902615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552902915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552903215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552903515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552903815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552903969] => Array ( [update_network_counts] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1552904115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552904415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552904715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552905015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552905315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552905611] => Array ( [woocommerce_cleanup_sessions] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => twicedaily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 43200 ) ) ) [1552905615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552905915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552906215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552906515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552906815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552907115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552907415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552907715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552908015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552908315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552908615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552908915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552909035] => Array ( [seopressor_site_audit] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) [seopressor_daily_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552909215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552909515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552909649] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-event-espresso-core-reg] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552909815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552910115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552910415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552910715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552911015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552911315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552911437] => Array ( [simple_history/maybe_purge_db] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552911615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552911915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552912215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552912515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552912815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552913115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552913715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552914015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552914301] => Array ( [wp_cache_gc] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => [args] => Array ( ) ) ) ) [1552914315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552914615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552914915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552915215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552915815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552916415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552916715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552917015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552917315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552917615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552917915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552918215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552918815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552919415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552919715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552920015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552920315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552920615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552920915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552921215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552921515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552921621] => Array ( [yotuwp_cache_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552921815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552922115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552922415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552922715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552923315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552923615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552923915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552924215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552924515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552924815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552925115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552925415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552925715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552926015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552926315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552926316] => Array ( [action_scheduler_run_queue] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => every_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552926615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552926915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552927211] => Array ( [woocommerce_cleanup_personal_data] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552927215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552927221] => Array ( [woocommerce_tracker_send_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552927515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552927815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552928115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552928415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552928715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552929015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552929315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552929615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552929915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552930815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552931115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552931175] => Array ( [delete_expired_transients] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552931415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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[40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552933515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552933815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552933929] => Array ( [wpbdp_license_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552934115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552934415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552934715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552935015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552935315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552935615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552935915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552935964] => Array ( [subscribe_reloaded_purge] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552936215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552936815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552937415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552938011] => Array ( [woocommerce_cleanup_logs] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552938333] => Array ( [wp_scheduled_delete] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552938915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552939515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552939815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552940115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552940715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552941615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552941915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552943715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552944015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552944315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552944615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552944915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552945215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552945515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552945815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552946115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552946415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552946715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552947015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552947315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552947615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552947915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552948215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552948515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552948815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552949115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552949415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552949715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552950015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552950315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552950428] => Array ( [wp_scheduled_auto_draft_delete] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552950915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552951215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552951515] => Array ( [seopressor_link_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552951575] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552951815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552952115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552952415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552952715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552953015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552953315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552953615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552953900] => Array ( [yst_ga_aggregate_data] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) [monsterinsights_daily_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1552953915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552954215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552954515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552954815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552955115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552955415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552956015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552956315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552956615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552956915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552957215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552957515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552957815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552958115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552958415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552958715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552959015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552959315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552959615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552959915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552960515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552960815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552961115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552961415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552961715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552962015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552962315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552962615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552962915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552963215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552963515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552963815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552964115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552964415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552964715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552965015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552965315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552965615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552965915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552966215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552966515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552966815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552967115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552967415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552967715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552968015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552968315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552968615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552968915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552969215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552969515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552969815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552970115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552970150] => Array ( [wpbdp_listings_expiration_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1552970415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552970715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552971015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552971315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552971544] => Array ( [wppa_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1552971615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552972215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552972515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552972815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552973115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552973415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552973715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552974015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552974315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552974615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552974915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552975215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552975515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552975815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552976115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552976415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552976715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552977015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552977315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552977615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552977915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552978215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552978515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552978815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552979115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552979415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552979715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552980015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552980315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552980615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552980915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552981215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552981515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552982415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552982715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552983015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552983615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552984215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552988715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552991415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552991715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552992015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552992615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552993215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552993515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552994115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552994415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552995015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552995315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552995915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552996215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552996515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552996815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552997115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552997415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552997715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552998015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552998615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552998915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552999215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1552999515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553000115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553000415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553000715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553001015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553001315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553001615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553001915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( 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By | June 24, 2013 164 Comments

Love addiction with a sociopath

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain’s reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.

Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can’t get what you want.

So what happens when you fall in love with a sociopath? Why is it so difficult to emotionally disengage from a sociopath, even when you have discovered what they really are? I’ve spoken to many people who know, on an intellectual level, that they are involved with an exploiter. They absolutely understand that they must end the involvement. But they can’t.

The following letter from a Lovefraud reader is a case in point. We’ll call her “TammyLynn.” The other names have been changed as well. I will comment on her case, and why it’s so hard to break away from a sociopath, after her letter.

TammyLynn’s letter

I’ve just turned 41. I was married in 1996 and separated from my husband, David, in January 2009. All during this time, my best friend was male (I’m female). Jeremy and I became close, and when I separated from my husband, I pretty much went straight to him.

Jeremy was everything to me. The PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws ”¦ I trusted him 100%. I told him my secrets, relied on him. We both worked in law enforcement, so I really thought he had the same values.

Fast forward to March 2012. He got arrested for embezzlement from our own agency. (I had been off work for two years at the time for an injury.) We were broke, or so I thought.

After the arrest and a lot of questions on my part, I finally discovered Jeremy had been cheating on me. He denied it until I showed him printed proof at the jail. Yes, I still went to see him.

Jeremy owes me over $27,000. He insists he will pay, but his money is locked up in his divorce. (This part is true because I got power of attorney and was able to view all finances and that’s how I found the other girls.) He’s now in prison and considered a “con” by the media.

Money is an excuse

I need the money”¦ I also know it is an excuse, because once I get the money, I keep telling myself I will cut ties, but I miss what I thought we had. My brain is smart, I’m educated, but my heart is totally stupid and broken.

I love David, my husband, but we don’t have the same relationship. With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things ”¦ etc. Although I love my husband and he is stable, I miss the relationship with the sociopath. I’m humiliated, angry, my kids were also devastated, sooo incredibly sad.

EVERYONE is telling me to run. But even David, my husband, and family, tell me to “con the con” to try to get some of the money back. I’m just not good at it everyday some days I feel like I can con him, others not so much.

Jeremy believes that we will get back together after prison, even though I have told him we won’t, that I do not trust him (God I wish I could). I know I am attractive to the opposite sex, funny with a kindhearted personality. Kids, old people and dogs are my favorite things in life ”¦ I feel pathetic and stupid.

Why can’t I convince myself?

Why can’t I just convince myself what my brain knows???? I don’t get it. And why does he seem to think it should all be understandable because of his own “mental breakdown that caused him to do horrible things.” His words, not mine.

My experience w the sociopath was so entirely different from what my reading, investigating and what I’m hearing. It’s like reading about a totally different person. I’m having a tough time making a clear parallel to the same guy. The guy I loved is NOT what I’ve now been exposed to. It does not seem real. My heart is not recognizing this. My brain says no way, never again. So sad.

I don’t care if you post this, if I could read responses, or if you will take the time to tell me not to be a dummy. I just need other people to help me with my backbone lately. He will be out in a few months, I know I will not be with him, I’m just asking for help with my thinking ”¦ he’s messed me up big time.

Donna’s comments love with a sociopath

First of all, I think it’s fair to say that Jeremy is a sociopath. He swooped in when TammyLynn was vulnerable. He pulled her into a relationship that was both personal and business and then embezzled from the business. The fact that Jeremy is now a recognized con artist and in prison is telling.

But notice how TammyLynn described Jeremy he was “the PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws.” This is the impression that Jeremy wanted to create for her.

Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. They figure out what you are looking for, turn themselves into that person, and then declare that the two of you are soul mates, destined to be together.

Notice what else TammyLynn said about this man “With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things, etc.” Jeremy undoubtedly engaged in love bombing overwhelming attention and affection. This level of adoration is exhilarating, and most likely intensified TammyLynn’s feelings of love. The normal, stable love of her husband just couldn’t measure up.

Sociopaths are different

I don’t know of any fMRI brain studies about sociopaths and love, but researchers at the recent SSSP conference that I attended did present information about how sociopaths’ brains are different. Maybe some of the deep brain mechanisms that Dr. Fisher described do not operate the same way in sociopaths. I do know that sociopaths do not form bonds the way the rest of us do.

Although sociopaths are great at convincing us that they love us, it is all deceit and manipulation. They are not capable of complete love, love that involves truly caring about the welfare of another person. Sociopathic love is fake love.

Because they don’t bond, sociopaths are capable of unceremoniously dumping us when they’re bored, or when a juicier target comes along. We, however, can become obsessed with regaining what we thought we had, even though it was a mirage.

By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site. I’ve heard from people who say they’ve met sociopaths on Chemistry.com along with Match.com, Pleny of Fish, and every other dating website.

Advice for TammyLynn

TammyLynn knows that Jeremy is a con artist, but she is still feeling the pull of romantic love. This is because of the changes her love for Jeremy, which is real, have made in her brain.

The solution is to realize that leaving Jeremy requires breaking an addiction.

TammyLynn must have No Contact with Jeremy. She must stop all communication with Jeremy luckily, he’s in prison, so that should help. Then, like anyone kicking a drug or alcohol problem, she needs to take it one day at a time. Promise herself she will not contact him today. Then make the same promise tomorrow. And the same promise the next day. The longer she stays away, the more his grip on her will dissipate.

Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not going to be strong enough to “con the con.” If she tries to deal with Jeremy directly, she will be drawn back into his web. He’ll use the pity play on her, telling his tale of woe about his “mental breakdown.” I am certain Jeremy knew exactly what he was doing, and is expressing remorse only because he got caught.

Even if TammyLynn retains an attorney, just having to think about a legal case will keep Jeremy, as Dr. Fisher says, camping in her head.

I’m all for holding sociopaths accountable. But in this case, it’s more important for TammyLynn to rebuild her life. She may have to take her lumps and walk away from the $27,000.

 

 


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LadyA

Hello TammyLynn,

Donna is right. You need to walk away from him and never look back. It is one of the most difficult things you will ever do, but it will also be one of the best things. I cannot even describe the hurt I was feeling when I left him, but that hurt soon turned to anger which helped me keep the no contact rule.

Make a deal with a friend. Every time you feel like calling him, call them instead. Or even come on here and do some reading. I promise you it will be worth every minute once you are free of him.

fightforwhatsright

…and read, read, read. There is a great book called, “How to Break an Addiction to a Person.” There are many good books including Donna’s. I agree with most of the people here who are in, or working towards, no contact. My situation is a little different and for money, so I have limited contact and study about how to stop lines from being crossed. However, no contact is the way to go if you don’t need this person for financial support or aren’t trying to protect your children. He is NOT who you think he is from that “nice” phony he shows you part of the time.

If you have any evidence of loaning him the money, you can sue him for it. But, if you can, let go of the money because before you know it, you will be loaning him more and more and the next thing you know, he will owe you 47,000. Them borrowing money from us is extremely common. It becomes a justice cause for me to get my money back. Then, I begin to put up with anything trying to get my money back. I am ahead moneywise this time and I will never loan money to a man again.

I will see if I can find the article from a few weeks ago about Oxytocin and how it keeps us in an addictive state long after real love is gone…

plowman768

TammyLynn, I know exactly what you’re feeling. I know we’re all going to tell you that and it may or may not help you but we’re all here because we had such a difficult time distancing ourselves from our spath.

Recently, I went through my 2nd go around with a spath (although she’s not a full blown spath, she also has characteristics of borderline personality disorder – Donna, I’d like to get your thoughts on that in a private message) and in a lot of ways it’s harder this time than the first because I’ve been researching spaths since 2008 and I saw the red flags but ignored them. I thought if I tried harder, I could show her I was good man (although the things she called me were extremely damaging to me as a person and my reputation) and before I knew it, I’d lost my identity, once again, to someone I’d like to call ‘soul sick’ – and that’s what Jeremy is without even meeting him. I don’t have to meet him; I know the spaths all too well now.

What’s important is to try and tell yourself as often as possible, that this isn’t your fault, that you aren’t stupid for falling in love, and that the man you fell in love with is just an illusion. That’s right – you fell in love with an ILLUSION, not the man. We were all suckered in by someones too-good-to-be-true sales pitch. Yes, it feels shameful at first and that’s why we’re all here to give you the positive reinforcement you need and deserve. There’s a lot of good, loving people here that will help you get through this. Remember: you aren’t alone. We’ll help you recover and I’m sure you’re making strides as I write this.

The ‘no contact’ that FFWR brought up is so important. I know you’re so tempted to have him contact you so you can out him in his place but int eh end, all you’re doing is walking on a treadmill expecting to get somewhere. You’re burning calories and getting nowhere. My ex spath/BPD’er decided that she wanted nothing to do with me and I keep trying to tell people the knew her and knew of her that she won’t possibly contact me again, not after the insults we hurled back and forth and after she told a mutual friend…bullied rather…to not talk to me ever again. I have my own reasons as to why she doesn’t want me talking to this friend, and it involves this friends ex and my ex. 2 typical spath behavior characteristics: lying and control. Still, the nature of a spath is so unpredictable that it almost seems like they know when you’ve recovered and then out of nowhere, comes a text, email, Facebook message, or phone call or a birthday card. Spaths will use your kindness as weakness and assume you’ll respond to them wanting to know if you’re okay or some type of emergency. The thing is…don’t engage whatsoever, not even to tell them how bad him how bad he hurt you and accuse him of being a soul sick, heartless, emotional vampire. It won’t affect him at all. Your NC will drive him crazy and allow you to have the power. My therapist recently told me ‘Responding to a spath is like giving a bird ONE bird seed. They’ll keep coming back for me.’

TammyLynn, I didn’t mean to share my issues with you as any type of comparisons to what you’re dealing with. I’m slowly taking steps to get out of what happened to me, and every day I feel better. You will, too. It’s not easy, and it will take time, but what’s important is to have a solid support group of family and friends to talk to and get their advice. Your friends and family love you and won’t let you sink.

I’m sure I speak for us all when I tell you that you are seeking help while Jeremy is not. You will come out of this wiser, stronger and better educated to the red flags while Jeremy will still remain the soul sick man he is. You will eventually find a man who respects you, loves you, cherishes you and will see you as an equal. Jeremy, on the other hand, will still be the manipulating, deceitful, lying and emotional draining man he is now. That being said, you have a LOT more going for you then he does.

I’ll say a prayer for you and send you good, strong energy, too. Remember: none of us here will let you put yourself down and beat yourself up. You opened up your heart and there’s no crime in that. Next go around, will be much sweeter for you. I guarantee it!!!!

plowman768

I just re-red my post. Holy type-o’s!!!!!!

Tea Light

Thanks so much for this Donna. My abuser has sent three text messages this morning. My call blocker literally alerted me to the third as I began reading the article. I will be revisiting no contact articles to stay strong and focused. I anticipated a renewal of stalking this week as his ( 2nd) wife is leaving him this weekend to live in her own country with their young son. He is a pathological liar, a rapist, highly narcissistic. He conned me into beginning a relationship, claiming he was separated. He lovebombed me for months. Because I knew nothing about how socio/ psychopaths operate, I agreed to a holiday in a very remote location where he repeatedly assaulted me. He continues to stalk me 7 months later, and unwaveringly claims he ” loves” me, that I am his “angel” and the ” love of his life”.

Sociopaths, as Donna says, offer false love. They mimic love. They learn what expressions people who love use, and parrot them. I hope for TammyLynn that she stays
safe and strong in her resolve to never have contact with her criminal ex in the future.

fightforwhatsright

Tea Light: I am so sorry to hear that your ex is starting to stalk you. I am sure that is upsetting your system and triggering trauma. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. I had hoped he would be on to bothering new people. But, they always want what they can’t have.

Tea Light

Thanks fightsie, I’ve not read the texts, and it’s been quiet since. I will go back to the police if it continues. They told me last time that one of the measures that can be taken is the seizure of his passport by the police in his country to prevent him stalking me here. I’m stronger than I was in the aftermath of the assaults last Nov. So I’m worried but not panic stricken.

Redwald

There is a great book called, “How to Break an Addiction to a Person.”

I take it this is referring to Howard Halpern’s How to Break Your Addiction to a Person? I’ve never read the book myself, but I’ve heard from a couple of people before who found it helpful, and it does come highly rated.

It’s reasonable to suppose that if an attachment to an unsuitable person takes on the character of an addiction, then techniques that are effective in breaking other addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.) may be useful in that situation also.

fightforwhatsright

Hi Redwald: Yes, I have an earlier printing of Halpern’s book. It is very helpful with being able to think differently in order to detach and perhaps get to no contact as one chooses. I found it a very good read.

onmyown

I can totally relate to this!

I started dating a guy recently only to find that he was a total player – multiple women on the hook via Facebook and text messaging. His outward persona is of a man who is profoundly caring, polite, and attuned to the needs of his partner. The problem is that he has many, many partners and doesn’t tell the truth about it. This is not at all attractive in a man in his mid-40’s. Regardless, I found myself having cravings for the return of the good times and was willing to give him a chance to come clean and mend his ways instead of cutting him off immediately. Then I sat down and asked myself what the hell I was doing.

There are still lessons to be learned after a relationship with a sociopath. I haven’t quite got it right yet.

savvy

Onmyown: I began a relationship with a guy 3 1/2 yrs ago…Long distance… but I found out that he is a Player also.. I asked him once if he “used” women and he thought for a “second” and said “NO”. He doesn’t know that I know that he has had multiple sexual encounters and women in his life since we met.. He says the words to me “I love you”….but after being on this site, and educating myself via “Without Conscience” and ” The Sociopath Next Door”.. I finally realized this is what he is and that the “words” don’t mean anything…. there are conversations and such intimate moments that would lead “me” to believe he means what he says.. and then I find something that indicates I’m not the only one he says these words to… Am I nuts for hangin on? I probably am.. but I AM ADDICTED….. I have tried to not communicate as much… but it is hard..I’ ve tried to allude that I know him better than anyone probably ever has….but he keeps me in his “Life”… and we rendevous and when we are together, eveything is as all women would want it to be.. Loving, Kind, Affectionate… etc. but other things, like being a poor-gift giver…ie for all 3 yrs, I haven received Candy for Christmas ( and he knows I don’t eat Candy) and a small Bouquet of Flowers for my Birthday.. I have never received anything “personal”, like a necklace, bracelet, sweater…Golf balls ( I play golf)…., Music CD (he knows I love Music of all genres’), Concert Tickets.. etc etc. He knows my interests,but I never receive anything “thoughtful” and that might take a little time to shop for… you know what I mean. He does pay for most dinners, hotel stays, etc…. and that IS something.. but we women know what we need and he doesn’t get it… or more accurately.. doesn’t care enough or really care at all to put forth that kind of thoughtful, caring effort. So, I try to accept the “it is what it is” and enjoy the times when “we” are together and not think about anyone..but us. Hard, yes? is it me? No…. I think the boredom will kick in at some point for him… and I’ll be gone.. but so far…. he tells me he could never be bored with me… we’ll see…. if I stay long enough.. I’m actually gettin bored with him…:) ….LOTS OF LESSONS TO BE LEARNED OnmyOwn… but sometimes we just don’t apply them… 🙂 Good luck to you…

onmyown

I know exactly where you’re coming from with this —

“I asked him once if he “used” women and he thought for a “second” and said “NO”.

This guy came to the area to work long term on a gas pipeline and I asked if he was one of the ones who uses local women for a while then leaves. He said no, adamantly.

Not only are there three of us locally, there are three more near his home city. Where does he find the energy for all of this?

I think I’m lucky that I know now to pay attention to red flags early, even though I’m slower to “get it” than I would like right now. I wasn’t in it long enough this time to feel a lot of pain. I suppose I also know this time around that it had nothing to do with me, my worth as a woman and human being, and everything to do with his own failings.

I spent 16 months with a full-on, red flag waving sociopath and two years recovering before this creep entered my life, so I do understand the addiction. It can be broken, but only when you’re ready

crabbymoon

Onmyown: Your guy isn’t an astrologer is he? j/k. My spath was OBSESSED with Facebook and his phone, like a teenage girl. In his 40’s. Tonight, three weeks post-breakup, he actually did come clean about what he is and what he does. And then he asked me if I wanted to come over and sleep with him. (?!)

onmyown

He never mentioned astrology – no suns, moons, or anything else rising in my first house. The previous sociopath I was with was convinced he was a palm reader, though. lol

One night I was sitting next to the player and I asked him if he’d ever had a goatee, because I was looking at his profile and I thought he’d look really good with one. He asked if I meant his Facebook profile. I said no – I meant the profile of his head! Obsessed, yes.

I hope you answered that guy in an appropriate manner. I would not have been very polite.

known

Unless you’re a sociopath, you cannot survive/succeed in corporate world.

lost everything

Not universally true.

The latespath was brilliant, prestigious education, fluent in 4 foreign languages, impressive writing skills, good speaker, charming and a diagnosed sociopath. He worked for a total of about 5 1/2 years, with 2 different law firms and one corporate law department in 28 years since graduation.

On the other side, I just found out that a guy that I knew in high school was recently hired as the controller of a business that has over 30,000 employees. Average student, average schooling, but open and friendly. Caring, helpful, down to earth, not afraid to get his hands dirty, always willing to lend a hand, and honest; then and now. No nepotism.

Sometimes good guys, the right guys, win.

TammyLynn-

There are so many neurological and emotional forces at work to connect us to betraying love interests, that it is easy to see oneself as obsessed with the object of our affections.

The brain’s electrical and chemical reaction to love, the sense of deprivation that occurs when the stimulation is cut off, the emotional glue that bonds us in betrayal, and our “normalcy bias” that enables us to overlook the obvious in order to return to what made us feel “normal”, are all hard at work.

Love is not just an emotion. It’s a chemically induced state that, along with determination, can be overcome by producing similar chemicals in other ways.

I’m a migraine sufferer. A source of my migraines comes from caffeine deprivation. So while I like the energy that caffeine produces to start out my mornings, I know that the jolt comes at a price. Instead of drinking caffeine that will result in a migraine as the stimulant wanes, I go for a run in the morning and have sworn off anything but decaffeinated coffee for years. Today, the idea of drinking caffeinated coffee doesn’t even enter my mind.

Oxytocin and other chemicals that were produced during your relationship are difficult to part with. Their hold will lessen on you over time spent apart. You can increase your ability to keep your distance by replacing them with neurotransmiters and endorfins from other sources such as the ones you can pump up with vigorous exercise or indulging in other activities that give you self esteem and pleasure.

Known-

Recent studies seem to support the concept that psychopaths and sociopaths have high levels of testosterone which can enable their achievements in a competitive environment. If you watch the show Mad Men, you’ll see the fictional rise of a group of cads who, if based on a true story, would likely have qualified as having antisocial personality disorders. Yes, they’ll rise to the top, but the higher they get, the worse their tumbles,if and when they’re found out. Take a look a Bernie Madoff if you’d like evidence of this in the real world.

Your comment seems to convey that intellect and hard work will never produce achievers and I’d beg to differ with you on that conclusion. There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and doing so by thwarting others can have serious repercussions when discovered.

Jm

lost everything

I doubt I would have ever gotten the insight into the disaster I was left with, without the words of EscortM. I would have never seen the true evil of the latespath, beyond my eyes which simply saw abusive, unappreciative, criminal, and, undefinable to me, crazy.

I am paraphrasing all of the posts because of the position of the board on re-posting messages sent to their website.

Post by EscortM, under an alias screen name rather than the one she always used, in summer of 06, referring to the latespath, never using his ‘handle’.

‘I fell truly, deeply, love with a married john. Before getting we began a real relationship, I knew that he was seeing at about 5 escorts every week and I know that even being in love with him, I can’t change this. After knowing him for months, we admit our feelings. He rents an apartment for us [What she doesn’t say is that the apartment is in her name only and paid for with checks he stole from my mother and she is depositing the obviously stolen checks in her bank account] . Although I am still an escort, less so because of him, we see each other Monday through Friday; he sees lots of other girls and includes me sometimes in the sessions. I have become a madam, using the apartment [reality, his/their idea; his writing all over the brothel papers] and while he always told me about all the other girls, knowing that it hurts me; now has sex with ‘the stable’ in front of me. I know this “is his way”, so I go along, even though I know he is being hurtful and disrespectful to me, especially in front of others. I know he needs variety, but he is making me look stupid, a jerk. Of course my professional girls and friends don’t understand him the way I do, but I feel he needs to be less obvious. He just doesn’t understand that. I love him and want him. I am afraid that if he doesn’t start to appreciate me, we will have no relationship. Help.’

This particular escort site had a licensed psychologist on ‘staff’, I will call her Dr.C.

‘She answered EscortM in great detail. First telling her to RUN. Then she went on to say that she felt anger in every word that Escort M wrote; and that EscortM is ignoring her own anger for fear of losing the latespath. Dr.C admits that falling in love is a yummy feeling, BUT. He is married and so are you. You are an escort, misdemeanor; running an in-call escort agency, felony; why? You are enabling him, he is still having all the sex he wants, but now you are giving him permission. Your friends and other sex workers see his games and your hurt. Question yourself as to what type of loving, caring, nice person makes advances to YOUR sex workers in front of you. I get shivers just reading your words. Forget the apartment. He is not good. My gut hurts and I can not even see your pain. Leave now, he will only break your heart and create problems in your future. He is not going to change, he is playing you and will continue to do so. Your future means nothing to him, he only wants what he wants. I am, as a professional, worried.’

From other escort’s and john’s point of views.:
1-He is not going to change, you are being used, I think you know it. You are not being treated like a person. No future.
2-You know to dump him, but your emotions won’t let him go. Breaking up is going to hurt and be a mess, leave him, deal with the pain and heal. You are a supply source. You are on the path of abuse, especially saying that no one understands him. Forget your pride.
3-He doesn’t make you look stupid, he is making you stupid. You know this relationship is bad, but you don’t want to see the consequences. Leave, you will need every bit of luck you can muster.
‘4-You are being used.
5-If you try to change him, he will dump you.
6-You are living in a dream world because of the apartment and his ‘love you’. He is manipulating you, for his benefit. Get out.
7-Run, not even good-bye.
8- Low life, only problems.
9-Your intuition knows what is happening as is your brain. Leave in order to live. He is manipulator, interested only in what he wants. He buys you things to keep you prisoner, to confuse you. You don’t realize he is doing this to you. He attached you to him, you gave him permission to do this. You can be independent without him. He only wants a home away from where he lives. It’s about control. Why did you open a house of prostitution? If the police find out, everything will become part of crime scene. He charmed you so much at the beginning that you became ‘hooked’ on him; he is a pusher and ‘charm’ is the drug he sells and you became addicted. He has no respect for you, his family, other ‘girls’, not even himself. He will abuse you, you will not see it because he will have convinced you that without him you are nothing. You know something just is not right, but you don’t see what. You will wonder how you missed the ‘red flags’, why you didn’t get out. He knows how to make you dependent on him for your own self esteem, which it can’t, it has to come from your inner self. He will leave and you will wonder, while sitting in HIS apartment, what damage he will eventually cause. I don’t want to see the end. He is toxic, you are going to be hurt, and most likely you will go down with him or without him. Look around, why are you here now, how did he get to you, what void in your life did you think he filled. If you stay in this relationship, you will become his victim; you probably already are. Email me, I was involved with a toxic man for years and have been in therapy, I know what I am saying.

The above post is a true reflection of the real person behind the EscortM persona. Her emails to the latespath reflect the same misery with him, their relationship, and herself.

Name means everything, or at least what we perceive the identity to mean. Johns and escorts always saw EscortM as smart and independent, just as they saw the latespath as a generous, sensitive, and caring. There are entire threads about how wonderful he is. When EscortM died, the people in the escort world could not stress how he is grieving, how good he was to/for EscortM. When he died these people could not stress how deep his love for her was, how wonderful he was, how they are missing him.

I found it amazing how well people saw through the latespath, when they had no idea of who they were judging. It’s a shame when she got angry she didn’t contact me or just left him.

Tea Light

Lost, I am so saddened for M reading your summary of her post. Clearly a fragile individual in the very worst profession possible ( and with the worst type of man) to have given herself much of a chance of staying dry; you’ve posted before that her relapse into alcoholism followed, and her death. I think I have that right, sorry if my wires are crossed.

I was thinking about your posts the other night watching a film called House of Tolerance. This is a recent award winning French film about an ‘ upmarket’ brothel run by a madame in Paris in the 1890’s. It’s portrayal of the women who work there is intelligent and moving, there’s no gratuitousness but one very nasty representation of violence by a psychopathic ‘john’. One of the women falls in love with her regular client who becomes bored, wants her to have threesomes, and she is heartbroken and sinks into opium addiction. It goes into detail about the business side, the finances, you may find it interesting Lost.

lost everything

Hi Tea,

M, at least according to the therapists that have read her writings, was a very real person. She graduated high school in a good area, but never pursued further education. She wrote well, especially her poetry. She would take vacations with her mother, even when she was involved with the latespath; made sure the latespath was welcomed in her parent’s house, and would tell him that he had a ‘new mother in law’.
From her writings and photographs, she was a perennial teenager. She liked to be photographed in front of music clubs, wearing clothes that could have come out of her daughters’ closets. Her emails read like a teen’s:’I can’t go on with out you’, ‘I need you here’, ‘You didn’t write back'(this after 17 minutes). She would send him pictures of chairs that cost $15.00 from a ad from a discount store and ask him to ‘please buy me this’. He bought her a dog from a backyard breeder; she named the dog after her favorite 70s musician, and kept sending him pictures of the dog.
One of the most disturbing photos, to me, she posted on her blog, was of herself dressed in nothing but a scarf. Okay, it was a $826.61 Louis Vuitton scarf, of course paid for with an illegally obtained credit card in my mother’s name. A 49 year old, average build, several pregnancies, and a few major surgeries, should not post a basically nude photo. Just a snapshot, not professional, not ‘touched up’. M was so proud of this blog photo.
She was forever the party girl, perhaps she saw escorting as a way to stay that way. She was a study in contrasts. Teenager/Escort. Yes she was the one who had the alcohol problems.
I am sure that the latespath saw all of this and knew how to appeal to all of her aspects; “M would kill me if I ever cut off my ponytail”.
I really wish that I could have spoken to her.

I checked out “House of Tolerance”, when my Amazon UK cart get a little fuller, I may order it; doesn’t pay for just a few pounds considering the postage charge. Love anything Victorian, watching Ripper Street now. Thanks

fightforwhatsright

I believe the addiction of trying to get a “high” of the feelings of love at the beginning of a relationship back again, is probably the top addiction realistically. I have always been surprised with what I will put up with for a very long time just hoping to regain the way I was treated for two weeks!

ironschool7

How does what this speaker is talking about equate to falling in love with a sociopath? I don’t get the connection…

Imara

Donna I found this post to be very helpful for me. To be able to understand the neuro science of what is happening to me allows me to deeply acknowledge the fact that people with high cluster B traits perpetrate intentional harm. By not being able to love and bond they sever our more normal ties with deft coldness and callousness. The science though, allows me to even consider forgiveness cause they are so faultily wired. And it helps me understand me…my wiring, my need for attachment to someone who is capable of hurting me, and my longing for “normal”.

Shelley

In a ‘normal’ break-up there is still the addictive nature of romantic love that leads to tears, depression etc. But with a spath, they play the addictive romance and draw it out. So it is not a ‘normal’ relationship nor a ‘normal’ break up.

In the mirroring, I was reflected back the perfect partner and relationship and my perfect self. The love-bombing took away the natural process of getting to know another person. Blindsided.

I told a counsellor several years ago that I hung in for that 5% of absolute bliss/connection. (The other 95% was the manipulation and the slipped mask etc.) Neither of us caught on to what was happening.
……….

There is some theory out there – I wasn’t able to relocate my original source – that women become addicted to their partner’s sperm. Involves hormones etc. Psychology Today had one article. The abandonment also then becomes more horrific in the withdrawal. Apparently, a theory why some women rebound so quickly to another sexual partner.
……….

In my experience, I didn’t have this issue to contend with. I was shattered – adjustment disorder (breavement), self-esteem..the hold thing.

I lost hope. Or more so, my ability to hope was corrupted. Even now, a feeling of hope also shares a feeling of fear and dread.

Shelley

fightforwhatsright

Hi Shelley,

Those are some very good points. I especially like your reminder that there is such a thing as a normal break up. I have not had many serious relationships in my life because of my moral beliefs. But, I have had some normal break ups when I was in the beginning of relationships that I could see were not good for me before I got in too deep emotionally or physically. I had totally forgotten what that was like. Thanks for the reminder.

Stargazer

Great talk by Helen Fischer, and it applies to all forms of love addiction – not just to addiction to a sociopath.

I am battling a love addiction right now, and the guy is not a sociopath, but he has, I think, played with women’s feelings. I don’t know how much is intentional and how much is just his not knowing how to behave after two failed marriages and suddenly finding himself immersed in the salsa scene with so many women. It’s been so painful for me. I feel like the monkey with my hand in the cookie jar. I’m trying to pull the cookie out but my hand won’t fit through the opening as long as I’m grasping the cookie. The only way to get it out is to drop the cookie. But I won’t drop the cookie. For me, the cookie is the contact with this guy through dancing. And also the salsa scene. I’m not willing to give it up completely. In staying in it, I keep running into him. He is at the clubs; he is in my class; he is all over the scene. And when I dance with him, I get hooked in again. The cookie is also that little tiny bit of hope I still harbor every time he acts romantically toward me.

The other night I was visiting some old friends in their big old house in a very quiet town. My friends are like monks – they are very peaceful and spiritual men who have a calming influence on me. Being in their house refreshed my spirit. I realized from this calm perspective that I need to just get out of the salsa scene. It’s not good for me. I need to make a clean break from the guy to break the addiction.

But there is something about salsa dancing that pulls me in deeper. It’s as if two parts of myself are at war. Dancing is my passion in life – one of them. And I have come so far in salsa now that I’m actually getting pretty good at it. It’s to the point where I’m an assistant teacher for a beginner class – the same class I started in a year ago. And I started taking classes with another teacher (that the guy I like is not connected to thankfully), and I love these classes. I am signing up to continue his classes up in another town that is a 45 minute drive away. It’s a place where the guy I like” doesn’t dance. This isn’t bad because I don’t have to deal with him. But here’s the worse part. I committed myself to going on a salsa cruise in November. I was all excited about it until I found out he is going too. My heart sank. I don’t want to drop out over him. But I don’t want my stomach tied up in knots the whole time I’m there.

I’ve decided the problem is severe enough for me at this point to seek therapy specifically designed to deal with this issue. I reached out to a therapist tonight and waiting for a response. I have been taking a meditation class that helps somewhat but I have so much stress and anxiety over this situation that I need something more. Not sure what.

I have a good life here. No, I have a great life here. Lots of friends and social activities. Two good part-time jobs, and a great deal on a place to live that I used to own but now am just renting it back. And I’m contemplating just moving to break this addiction.

fightforwhatsright

Stargazer: I’m so glad to hear how strong your resolve is. I hope you can have your salsa and distance yourself from a potential spath.

therose

Dearest Stargazer, I know how you feel. I too have a good life where I live. I can take a walk on a beautiful beach every day of the year, I have few but good friends, a good job, a family that loves me. So many blessings really. Unfortunately, when I divorced my spath, he bought a house 5 houses away from me to share with his next victim. he divorced her less than one year after getting married but is back and forth with her still. I can’t seem to get away from the drama. PPL I work with know him well and always seem to want to update me on his life. They don’t know what I do about him and wouldn’t believe it anyway. As much as I love my home, I think that the only way to truly be rid of him is to move far away. He once told me that wherever I go, he would find me. That he believes we will again be together. He is with #3 now but I know that once my family leaves at summer’s end, he’ll be sniffing around here again. I want so much to believe there is still good in men but without getting into my whole story, I have NO TRUST in any of them. I think I will spend my life alone. This feels safe to me. Sick.

fightforwhatsright

therose:

I think it is just the worst for people here who have the stalking type. Just so wrong. You should be able to enjoy your beach without worry. If you have to move, I hope you can stay close to your support system and your beach. It’s too bad that while the internet gives us a better way to keep track of them, or investigate them, it also is very difficult to move and be “unlisted” anywhere. Take care of yourself.

Stargazer

Thanks, fight. I’m reasonably certain he’s not a spath though. He’s just playing the field after a divorce and doesn’t really know what he wants. In the process, he may be playing with the feelings of a few women (my conjecture). It could just be me who feels like I’m being played with. I don’t know. My gf L dances with him all the time and even teaches salsa with him, and they don’t have that kind of relationship. He dances with a lot of women and has a lot of women friends that he is not romantic with. He is just a big dork in his mid-50’s. He’s not even the greatest dancer in the room. It’s just this chemistry we have.

However, at this point, it’s my unwillingness to walk away that’s the culprit. I know where he’s at and what he’s doing. I still danced with him on Sunday at our usual venue. When I arrived, he was just standing around not dancing with anyone. When he came up to pull me on the floor, he said he wanted to try out this new dance move. It was all very friendly. Then we danced another song or two. After that, I was completely breathless. Our chemistry together is such that we are amazing dance partners together. If we had been in a dance troupe and been in competitions together, and just kept it at that, we would have been fabulous. If I could just leave it at that and enjoy it for what it is, it would be fabulous.

I told him what a great dancer he is. He told me I inspire him. After that, he spontaneously walked over to me when I was talking with my teacher and teacher’s gf. He put his arm around my waist and held me. I said, “What’s up, J?”. He said, “Oh I just wanted to do this,” and held my waist for a few seconds before walking away. My teacher and his gf and I all rolled our eyes. We have all observed his mixed with me many many times. But at this point, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it. I know I just need to walk away. But without those 3 dances with him that night, the night would have been a wash for me. I did dance (and flirt) with other men. But there is nothing on earth like dancing with him. The general consensus is that he’s clueless with women. He’s an engineer, and his brain does not think like other men’s. But I think to some extent, he knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows how to keep me just close enough to get his needs met – but won’t let me (or anyone) get too close. He is unavailable.

This is all after we had one last hurrah a few weeks ago. I agreed to go to a concert with him at a very romantic outdoor venue, knowing there would be a backlash for me. I decided to go for it and accept the pain that would follow. We danced close and held each other all evening. It was so romantic. But I knew in my heart it would never go anywhere because he’s not ready and playing the field. I know that he “dates” other women, whatever his idea of a date is. I don’t even know if it involves sex. He and I have never even kissed.

I don’t need advice. I know at this point what I need to do *walk away*. I’m just having a hard time. I’m holding on. I am aware of what I am doing. I know the sacrifice I will have to make (salsa dancing) to give him up. I’m not (yet) willing to make it. I’m seeing if there is another way, a way I can change my mind and my heart to regard him more like a brother than a romantic interest. I know if I just walk away from the whole scene, I can move on. But I want to know if I’m strong enough to have my cake and eat it too.

Imara

Stargazer…with him, without him or even the club scene where you go to dance you will always be a salsa dancer!!!! It becomes a part of who you are!!!! when you are a 100 years old and the music starts your toes will tap. Its yours to keep and enjoy. We are so fortunate that we have a gift that truly is all about US!( I’m a dancer too…)

fightforwhatsright

I used to love to dance at home for exercise. Now, it seems to cause me problems as I have gotten older, and it affects my TMJ problems if I move around too much. Dancing is second to swimming for true blissful exercise.

Stargazer: Either you will or you won’t. I feel like that is what it comes down to. I think I shared with you that I had one of those in my life through an intense situation where we ended up thrown together under unusual circumstances. I called him “the yo-yo-er.” I was his yo=yo for a long time while he was always in angst or withdrawing. It was exhausting. I finally asked him point blank if he was falling in love with me or if he was just talking. It took an older male friend to tell me to “just ask” and quit letting him string me along. This was after a year and a half of nonsense, two dates, lots of kissing on those dates, and a lot of him saying “we.” We could go here. We could visit that. Yeah, right. Then, no contact from him. Then, when I finally asked him, he told me he was having sex with others and that is all he wanted. So, I don’t know if he was a sociopath for sure. He was risking his career by toying with me and going for sex probably would have cost him his career if he had chosen the sociopath route with me. I had my answer. It hurt. I had spent many long phone calls, we had both broken up with people we had outgrown long before we met each other and too lazy to get rid of them, longing looks, all of it. But, I also felt free when I finally asked him if he felt he could be in a long term, love relationship with me. The answer was no and then I was very happy I had chosen not to have sex with him until he stopped his games. I doubt he ever stopped his games. He ended up committing suicide last year. I don’t know if that is a sociopath qualifier, but one might say, that I certainly “dodged a bullet” by asking him what he was doing with his yo-yo stuff and what his true feelings were. We knew each other extremely well because of what we had gone through.

On the other hand, if you decide to act on the chemistry, you will just have to be prepared that he may drop you like a hot potato once he gets what he hasn’t gotten yet. Chemistry is cool…especially if you’re young. But, if what you want is long term, it sounds like he does play games and you (and many others) know it, so you would just have to follow that chemistry with the knowledge that that might be all it is…which is cool if that is all you want.

The tone of your posts has changed about him, so I am glad that you seem more confident now in knowing that the choices and risks are yours to make and take. When is your salsa cruise?

bluemosaic

Thanks for posting an article that clearly explains why I still felt love for a man that mistreated me, deceived me, betrayed me and then cruelly discarded me. WOw, what a nice man, Huh? It takes the heart alot longer to catch up to what the mind understands. 10 months and counting in my case. (yes, there are still faint glimmers of remembering him) NC really does clear the heart and soul of the longing for them, if I had only really understood what he was, NC would have started the day I left him. Hindsight, oh well.

Bluemosaic

fightforwhatsright

Hi bluemosiac:

You have really handled the spath. I hope you will give yourself credit and self esteem points for that.

Stargazer

Thanks, guys. Cruise is in November, so I have a long time to think about what I want to do, to get past it. I have been craving him today. I’d done everything but all out seduce him. Maybe that’s what it will come down to. These addictions are so compelling. I am supposed to see him in an hour in class if he goes. And I will be radiating all kinds of desire tonight, which is not usually the case but it’s what I feel. Ugh. It’s so complicated being human. Sometimes I just wish I could be a cat.

Fight, your story sounds intense and sad. I have never been sexual with this guy. We have never even kissed. And yet our friendship is very romantic. I don’t know to what extent he fights any urges with me. I get totally mixed messages on that front. Sometimes he flirts. Sometimes he runs away.

Imara, I didn’t learn salsa till I was 51. So if I don’t practice it, I may lose it, just like my Spanish speaking (that I learned at 50) is slipping away.

Stargazer

P.S. Fight, about the guy you dated who committed suicide….I’m one who is not quick to label people as sociopaths unless they show the classic signs. Some people are just troubled and unconscious.

fightforwhatsright

Hi Stargazer:

I agree. He was a troubled addict in long term recovery who was abused as child. What we went through was very sad and unusual. I can’t say he was sociopath. I can only say he played games and had problems and I am glad I asked him instead of trying to read mixed signals and words that were not so honest in the long run. I think about him a lot.

I think your being a part of this site will help you accept your own choices as yours and help you to get away at any time if you find out you are with a person who is unhealthy for you for whatever reasons. You can take care of yourself. Hopefully, you will be informed here and not judged. One of the saddest things people here share is all of the shame, PTSD, illnesses, embarrassment we feel when things didn’t go right. If a person is not honest about exclusivity (if that is what we want) or any other part of a partnership/relationship together, THEY are the ones who should feel bad afterwards….but if they do end up being a true sociopath, or having many spath traits, they don’t feel deeply as we do. Only you can observe, reflect, and decide if it is worth a risk. Maybe you can decide beforehand that even if it ends badly, you have a plan B. Possibly no more salsa or going to another class in the next city over. Possible grief when nothing materializes, etc. I think you will work through what will be best for you.

Stargazer

Dear fight, I’m very sorry for what you went through with the guy. He does sound very troubled, and suicide always leaves in its wake immense suffering for all involved. Thanks, too, for your support. I’ve been an on-again off-again member of this site for about 5 years now. The sociopath I dated was in 2008. It only lasted for 3 months, but it was eye-opening, and at the time, this site saved my life. I come on here occasionally to read the articles and share pieces of my story, and hopefully help others when I can. I have not had any sociopaths in my life for 5 years though, so I don’t always have too much to say.

Stargazer

Sorry, I missed all the responses to my earlier post. I was not trying to ignore anyone….

I had a very empowering evening tonight. I wanted to share with all of you. I went to class. J was there. It was only me, him, another female classmate, and the teacher (the one I take private lessons with). For whatever reason – and I don’t know what it was – I was very centered and grounded and precisely at the center of my being tonight. I had a cute outfit on that I felt good in and had found some high heels that were actually comfortable for dancing. This is a big deal for me because I can’t dance in most dance shoes. I was beaming fun, joy, and confidence tonight. I spent most of my time and energy dancing with the teacher. But J hovered at the end of class. I knew he wanted to dance with me. So we took a drive 45 minutes away to a town that has a great salsa dance night. We stopped at my old friends’ house where I had visited the other night, and I introduced my friend to J. Then J and I drove in his car to the club. We only got to dance 3 dances before the placed closed at 10:30. Then we continued to practice and got to pick the brain of one of the well-known salsa teachers who runs the place. We ended up having a good time, but I was not feeling any desire for him, and it was not romantic. My energy was pulled back into my own space. Even though he was complimenting me, I did not read anything into it or try to seduce him. I get like this sometimes, where I just regard him as a friend and nothing more. I was actually enjoying his company and asking myself if HE was someone who would ever hold MY interestlongterm, and what did he have to offer ME? I thought this instead of the feeling of rejection and craving I usually feel. It was wonderful and VERY welcome. I hope I can just stay grounded like this! He invited me to a salsa social on Saturday night, which I will probably go to if I’m still feeling centered and dancing well like I was tonight.

So now to respond to therose’s post………Dear therose: I am coming to realize that distancing yourself from someone is often a state of mind and doesn’t need to be about physical distance. When you get grounded and centered, you can pull your energy back from the person and keep it there. Big learning for me tonight – that I can have my cake and eat it too. I can still dance with J and even be his friend without being all gaga over him. We’ll see how this all unfolds……….He was at least gentlemanly enough not to mention other women or anyone he’s dating. I think he still considers me as an “option”, as I do with him. So I followed suit and didn’t talk about my favorite dance partners, crushes, or guys I’m dating.

Thanks again for the support, everyone.

fightforwhatsright

Stargazer! This is fantastic. So happy to hear that you decided to think in terms of whether this person would be “right” for you without a physical attraction instead of only being able to notice the strong physical attraction. Very hopeful. He may be a nice friend or more. I applaud you for taking your time, observing his behavior, and thinking about your needs at this time.

I also agree with your suggestion about distancing even when the person is around. This is a long standing concept in Al-Anon, a 12 step group for people who love/are addicted to addictive people. They have a concept called detachment and it can work very well in many ways. It takes a lot of practice and determination and, in my opinion, is a good way to survive if one decides to stay in contact with any troubled/troubling person.

Sounds like a fun evening getting to know someone and even meeting new people you might decide you like better. Good for you!

therose

Thank you to all of you who take time to respond to the few comments I am able to make. I read your stories and feel a friendship with you all. I feel safe in this forum to express what others I try to confide in are tired of hearing or don’t believe. NEVER has any relationship unglued me like this. Sometimes when I see him, I think if I can just punch him in the face I would feel so much better. But instead I try to live by the belief that living a happy life is the best revenge. When does this craziness in my head stop though? When does one start to trust that not everyone new is like him? I know the signs but also know how well they cover them up. I also love to dance and would love to meet my perfect partner.

Tea Light

therose, I’ve reached the conclusion that the best way forward after my experience is to firstly, never be complacent and think I can’t be fooled again , the best way of reducing that possibility is to know the red flags and move on swiftly and decisively when they appear, and secondly to remind myself regularly that in fact, the great majority of people don’t have a cluster b personality disorder ( anti social/ sociopath, borderline and narcissistic). It just helps me, to balance out my reading on these disorders which helps me understand why I ended up in an abusive relationship with a dangerous man I am still being harassed by 7 months after I ended it. to remind myself most people are well intentioned and do not deliberately go about trying to hurt others.

Good luck as you take those steps forward in your recovery.

therose

Recovery is a good word. Thank you for your encouragement.My mother, 84 years young, always says that I’m “too nice, too trusting”. It’s me. I don’t want to lose that part of myself because of him but I don’t want to be “fooled” again. My children tell me that their proud of me for my strength but they don’t really know the many times, when I’m alone, that I cry and my heart aches. Recovery is a good word. I’m working on it. Blessings to all who come here to seek recovery.

fightforwhatsright

therose: It isn’t you. There is nothing wrong with being a trusting person. As you continue to educate yourself, you will now be trusting unless you see a Red Flag. Even if a part of you continues to feel the heart ache, you are still a fine human being. I can’t erase the sociopath(s) from my mind. If I did, I would not have learned what I need to know to recognize one at any time and know that there is a large group of people here on Lovefraud to confide in and share my worries about anyone new. The articles, Donna, and the members here will help me if I am wondering if something is a red flag or not. Know you are not really alone. You have us.

Stargazer

Honestly, I don’t know what came over me that I felt grounded and centered going to class last night. It has been a long time since I’ve felt that way. When I do, things always go well in salsa. I took a series of meditation classes recently to learn how to ground myself and keep people out of my space. But I’ve had such excessive anxiety with the love addiction that I even had a tough time practicing the techniques. I don’t know why the anxiety lifted last night. I was craving the man all day, but by the time I got to class I was just in a good space. I am trying to analyze what happened, what I was thinking or doing, what my mindset was to get me there, so I can break the addiction once and for all. I’m still feeling good this morning, but I’m afraid I will backslide. The test of my being grounded is when I can dance and spin effortlessly in high heels. I can’t do this when I’m ungrounded, which has been about 90% of the time in the last several weeks. OMG, I was out at the salsa venue on Wednesday night. I was feeling anxious and low self-esteem that night. I was not in the mood for dancing and couldn’t find anything to wear. I just wasn’t feeling comfortable in my skin that night. I just should not have gone out. But I went anyway. I didn’t see J. But I did see one of his regular dance partners. She is a somewhat heavy set lady that I normally don’t feel threatened by too much. But that night she had this amazing sexy little black dress on that was really eye popping. I immediately got thrown off balance imagining J seeing her and being all over her. It was incredibly painful. These are the states I go into when I’m not grounded. So it’s my challenge to just stay grounded. At least until the salsa cruise in November. The best thing is that when I’m grounded the cravings for him go away. He even made an unavoidable innuendo last night. Normally, I would get all hot and bothered by it, but I just ignored it. He always compares dancing with me to driving a maserati. Last night, he didn’t quite know how to explain it to me where it would sound right. I told him to just say it. So he said, “I just like to drive you.” (LOL) He meant it as a compliment to my dancing abilities. But normally he’d say something like that and I’d get all turned on and flirt with him. Last night I just smiled and said “thank you.” I didn’t even get the least bit flirty. I wasn’t feeling it. WHY CAN’T I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS?? That’s the hope.

I’m also moving a lot of my dancing up to the neighboring town 45 minutes away so I’m not so dependent on J for all the best dances. There are other good dancers up there and some great teachers. He’s not the best dancer on the floor. It’s just his energy and the connection we have that makes us so great.

Stargazer

Oh and one of the best parts of the evening is that when J took a break after we’d danced a few times, a slow dance came on. The latin slow dance is called a bachata. J didn’t want to dance the bachata with me. He wanted to sit the dance out and rest. Normally, I’d take this as a rejection. Instead, I just wanted to dance, so I stayed out on the floor and started dancing bachata by myself. Within SECONDS, an attractive man who is a very good dancer swooped me up and finished the dance with me. I really enjoyed it. Afterward, I didn’t even have a second to look for J because a really really attractive man asked me for the next dance, which was a salsa. It was a lot of fun. So J saw me having fun and not caring whether I danced with him or not. I just wanted to dance. This was very good for the power dynamic between us.

fightforwhatsright

Stargazer, I am so glad you chose the opportunity to dance, dance, dance! You made it clear that you wanted to dance and you got to meet some new dance partners. I hope J will soon let you know if he is “just not that into you” or if he is the real deal and looking for a solid, emotional, long term relationship.

Stargazer

Fight, thanks for the moral support. I think the ship with J has pretty much sailed. He has had a YEAR to make a move on me. We have not so much as even kissed. It is likely just to be more of the same. So I am just moving on with my life. If he ever gets the wild hair he wants me, he will have to step up to the plate. I may or may not be available at that time. If he acted a little more interested, I would have loved to invite him to spend a few hours at the pool with me this weekend. He lives right down the street. But often when I reach out, he runs away. I need to break my addiction to him.

I think he was also baiting me last night. He gave notice on his apartment down the street from me and was planning to move closer to his job. Last night he was telling me he’s now undecided. I felt he wanted me to say “Don’t go” but I didn’t say that. I held back. I also mentioned that I was considering moving in with my old friend that we visited. I told him it was because I get lonely living alone and like to have someone to cook for and talk to sometimes, which is true. He then commented how much he enjoyed the meal I made for him before the concert a few weeks ago. I think he was fishing for a dinner invitation. It was not forthcoming, however. I’m done chasing after this man. He is a MAN. He is in his 50’s. He can step up to the plate or just leave me alone. I have better things to do.

fightforwhatsright

Stargazer, I feel good about those choices you have made! My spath NEVER left an apartment unless he was behind on the rent. LOL. The first time he moved to my rental, he left owing the last place rent. He pays his rent now and is far ahead on it, so if he leaves w/o notice, he leaves without being behind.

I am so glad to see that your evening last night has added facets to your self esteem and taking on your own choices. Empowerment for you!

Stargazer

Therose: I was reading in psychology today magazine the one of the traits of happy people is that they overlook a lot of things and therefore, can be easily deceived because they are open and trusting. I choose to be this way myself. However, that does not preclude me running like the wind if someone crosses a line with me. I do set boundaries and I do not allow people to step over them. You WILL trust again, and you WILL find your way. For me, the key to recovery is finding myself, honoring myself and my feelings, and doing my best to stay centered. When you are grounded and centered, a strong wind can come by but it can’t blow you over. We did grounding exercises in our meditation class. We did a “before” and “after” grounding exercise where we stood in front of a classmate. She was able to push us over before the exercise but not afterward. When you are traumatized and grieving, and in the clutches of addiction, it’s hard to find your center and your balance. Sometimes it means just surrendering to the pain and grief and letting yourself curl up in bed and cry. There is a way to just loosen up the knots inside your body, relax and breathe into them, and let them unwind. Sometimes it means breathing and praying and actively releasing negative energy being held in your body. Sometimes you need to hit pillows and scream. The good part is that you innately have to ability to know what you need to do and then to do it. You don’t even need anyone to tell you what or how to recover. Just check inside and ask yourself what you really need in this moment. If you are finding help here, know that it is because you trusted yourself enough to check in here for support. It is a kind thing you are doing for yourself and another stepping stone in your recovery. (I believe when we ask, the universe gives us what we need.)

The main thing I have to communicate to you after 5 spath-free years is that there are really decent kind people out there, and some of them are men. You can find them and attract them. But first you have to be “right” for yourself. This takes a little effort, but all of you can get there.

Fight: Now that I have (finally) found my center with J, and am manifesting this very goddess-like energy around him rather effortlessly, would you believe he’s coming around? He called me tonight, and we talked about going to a natural spring pool tomorrow in the town where we were dancing last night. He also opened up a lot to me about his indecisiveness about moving. I listened and was his friend, but I didn’t put out any “desire” vibes. This is exactly what he wants and needs, and it feels good for me too. I do believe I could have this man. Time will tell. And I don’t know, once I get him, if I will want him after all this. So I’m still putting up boundaries and keeping all my options open. Checking it out very cautiously, as I think he is doing. Even if he comes around, it could take a long time, and I’m just not that patient a person. 🙂 I do really like him a lot and feel he is very special. Whether he will be my special man…….well, only time will tell. I just need to keep living my life and being centered, having fun, and manifesting my strength and true feminine energy. I will eventually attract the man who is right for me if he is out there. If not, I’ll have fun trying! I’m not going to chase anyone. But neither will I deny myself his company out of fear or game playing. If I want to do something with him, I’ll just ask him instead of playing the waiting game. It’s a fine line I’m walking. So far, so good.

fightforwhatsright

Stargazer: Very kind advice and very interesting developments. I am looking forward to this continuing story….

Stargazer

Very strange. After a year of obsessing, my addiction to him just broke. I don’t understand it. But I’m not craving him anymore. And ironically, now that I’m not craving him, he seems to be coming closer. I finally let go of the cookie so I could take my hand out of the cookie jar. I am letting him go, but just being assertive about what I want. It’s really made me think about the whole addictive process. It is so very painful. There is so much fear and desperation in addiction. I almost kind of miss it – that longing and fantasizing about when we’re finally together. None of it was real. The real relationship is the one we are actually having – where he called me to talk about his indecisiveness about moving, the possible outing tomorrow, and the date of the next salsa social. And the dancing last night. That’s reality. The rest was fantasy.

I wish I knew the magic formula I used for breaking the addiction. Maybe I’d just gone through so much pain that I just naturally detached after a certain period. Makes me think that time really does heal. If you wait out an addiction long enough, it WILL pass. And what a relief. I feel so much better. I keep waiting for it to come back. But I don’t think it will. I feel I’ve really moved on. I’m not craving any man or even needing a man at all. Very very strange……..to be continued…..

fightforwhatsright

You have put a lot of thought into this situation. You got input from people here and I think that your choice to take your time and think about it has been key. I think if he is attentive as a friend in a good, even keeled manner, you will know if you are meant to be more than friends. You’ve worked very hard at determining what you wanted to do about this situation and I think your “centering” is the payoff for that hard work. Now, if you feel off kilter in some way involving him, you have the tools and support system to get back to your center. And you are right. You ARE doing it. This is life. A slow, respectful buildup for a relationship is always better than have a few months of the “over-the-top” behaviors or words. See if he is a steady person.

Stargazer

I woke up this morning just feeling the need to spend some time alone today, so I think I won’t hang out with J today. Meantime, there are a few other attractive guys showing interest, so I will talk to them. This feels healthy and the way dating SHOULD be for a woman – where you have a many options and you take your time with the man smorgasbord. I still miss the old addiction and all the cravings. There was something very romantic about it. I felt like the heroine in Wuthering Heights. It’s just so strange……I used to think there were no men available for someone my age. Now they just seem to be everywhere.

ShockedBeyondWords

Stargazer – Your experience is so interesting. It sounds like you released the energy of “wanting what you don’t have.” As long as you hold that energy, you will continue to “not have.” Perhaps you just changed your mind, which changed your energy.

I’ve found that the answer to finding a partner is always within us. That’s why the centering work that you are doing is so important.

Let us know what happens (if you want to)!

fightforwhatsright

Stargazer and Shocked:

It is very interesting! I am very excited for you Stargazer. I am a shy person and where I live, the women chase the men hard. I just can’t/won’t do that. Most of the women I have known who chased their husbands end up with husbands who are just as lazy about courting THEM as they were before they got married. Accepting life and love the way they really are can be life changing. Wuthering Heights is wonderful fiction and makes the heart flutter, but she died. You want to LIVE.

Stargazer

I ended up going by myself today. I needed the time to myself and was feeling off center this morning. I had a good day. I would have canceled him had he called. But he didn’t call. I told him only to call if he wanted to go. Apparently he didn’t or had other plans. I’m still in a good space. I was feeling so much today. First a lot of nostalgia for the town I visited today, as I lived there 20+ years ago. I also have been really “feeling” what it would be like to have a truly loving man in my life. I imagined all the things he would do for me and how I would feel around him. I am also feeling a big wave of some sort of pain coming up – another part of breaking the addiction because I did have him on my mind somewhat today. I realized after I invited him that it was too much too soon with him – for both of us. I knew I wouldn’t want to go with him, and I knew he wouldn’t want to go. I knew this last night. But I’m okay with the fact that I invited him. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I did it in a friendly way that gave him an out. I will probably sing karaoke tonight with a gf if I have time. I’m supposed to see J tomorrow night at the dance club if I go. I’ll see if I’m up for it. If so, it will just be dancing as usual.

Thanks again for all the support. Hugs to all of you. I have been a hopeless romantic my entire life. Wuthering Heights was my favorite novel as a teenager, followed closely by Jane Eyre. And I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen Bridges of Madison County.

fightforwhatsright

Hi Stargazer, You’re really thinking it through and I think that is great. One of Oprah’s favorite statements is: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I have tried this, but not as successful as I have wanted to be. As long as we are thinking, sharing, encouraging others, and trying to pay attention, we will be doing our best to figure out what’s what. I’m glad you got out and did something enjoyable today. But, I do understand the longing for a good one. I wish I had your ability to get out there and do things…but not now.

Stargazer

Fight, I had many years where I could not feel much joy in life and did not have the motivation to go out and enjoy much of anything. I have no advice for you except it gets better. I feel energy shifting in my body on a daily basis. When you can get to the point where you can be aware of energetic shifts in your body, the process speeds up a little – at least it does for me. I am opening up a lot of sexual energy right now, and it is not always balanced in how it is coming up. It’s hard to stay grounded, for instance. I am going through ups and downs trying to clear blocked emotions in other parts of my body. But I definitely feel changes happening, and they are positive, especially pertaining to men.

I don’t know your exact situation and where you are at in your healing process. I come and go on this site and don’t follow everyone’s posts all the time, but as long as I’m here, I will do my best to shine some light wherever I can. I appreciate your support. This is a great place to come and blog about our healing process and talk about our feelings.

Funny, my sister brought up the same Oprah quote to me when I was telling her about J. You are 100% correct. He has told me who he is. And I do believe him. AND I also believe that there are other men out there who can be better for me than he is. That is a totally new one for me, probably in the last few days. Easy to let go when you know that things are perfect as they are and there is abundance out there in the universe. I don’t have to cling to him as my last bastion of hope.

fightforwhatsright

Thank you, Stargazer. I have had a very rough time over the last couple of days and I appreciate your encouragement. I guess everybody listens to Oprah! Maybe I need to pull out one of her books I have. I’m very, very down tonight.

fightforwhatsright

Hi Stargazer,

I feel that my addictions to unsafe people are not just limited to love relationships. I think I may have an emotionally unsafe addiction to other types of relationships that are unsafe and abusive as well.

Stargazer

Wow, I really screwed up my reply to your post, fight. First I posted on the wrong thread. Then I posted the wrong link. I wanted to post something that should make you laugh. I often watch silly youtube videos and have them going through my head at any given time. It sometimes helps when I’m feeling bad. Anyway, I’m sure it will offend someone, but my sense of humor is pretty irreverent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7UgAprdpM

fightforwhatsright

Hi Stargazer: That video did make me smile because my little nieces have the whole thing memorized and the went through they whole thing for me like it was a show. In one of my grad courses, we had a great discussion about self-esteem. The Professor shared that African-American women have the highest self esteem. I have always seen that and I really admire it. I would like to become someone who says what I need to say to protect myself and just have the self esteem to know it. This woman has been through a fire, she’s disabled, and she is just telling it like it is. That would be so great!

still reeling

Donna said, “By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site.”
Good point esp since as she also stated, folks have met sociopaths on other dating sites. One would certainly hope *all* sites screen for possible toxic or abusive behaviors.

Dr Fisher’s explanation of romantic love is depressing in that it seems so strong and unyielding all tied up w/rewards and chemistry over which some of us don’t have much control. I say “some” because I know many people who recover quite quickly from being dumped or the end of a relationship, good or bad, long or short. As long as I can remember, I’d angst for months, even a year over a guy. Always seemed to put them above me, idolize them, then feel insecure instead of happy. Also, always wanted more than they could offer. Could never figure out if I was choosing men incapable of intimacy or I was just too needy. Both maybe.

My experience w/Godzilla the sociopath began at a new job (he hired me, surprise) in early 2011 and ended w/his getting fired around Halloween the same year. Nothing ever happened between us of a physical nature but emotionally I was as involved as if I had become his lover. Everything Dr Fisher, TammyLynn and Donna express happened to me in my head. It is unbelieveable how I just caved right in. Even at my age, and knowing how attached I can become at such a deep level, I walked right into the fire. I became completely smitten and didn’t even realize it. I thought I was in control. I accepted his sporadic, on and off, inconsistent, insane behavior, incredibly supportive and flirtatious one day, absent in all ways the next. I chalked it all up to job and home stress. He was the big guy in the office and I was a nothing. Oh MY GOD!

It has taken me this long to disengage from this delusion. There was no “him,” in my life at all. The fact that I had been abused, setup, undermined, hurt and demeaned at my previous Fortune 500 corporate dump for almost 10 yrs during a hugely devoted and successful 20 year career, left me very open to Godzilla’s brutal and abusive mind games. I walked from one disaster setup to another (my company was trying to get rid of older employees in the sickest, most corrupt and manipulative ways).

From one nightmare to the next, I walked into the “serene” world of Godzilla where there was support for me and my talents, my future at the company, “in (his) eyes I could do no wrong.” I often wondered after a comment like that, “How does he know enough about me to say that?” or “How can he use words like always and never when he hardly knows me?” I suppose he wanted to get laid and he was trying to get it done by appealing to my neediness. I attached enormous meaning to his words while in his mind, he probably forgot about it within seconds. So glad I did not get physical w/him.

At any rate, it has taken a very long time to release him from my mind, partly because of the chemistry described by Dr Fisher and Donna, but also because he was my “go-to.” I’m a born worrier and have issues w/anxiety, so having him to go to in my head was like an oasis in the desert. Problem was, I was getting buried in the mirage and real life became secondary.

Now that I am walking out of the fog and have a new job which keeps me busy, it’s better, but I do feel as if I’ve lost a friend. I can’t go to that place in my head anymore because none of it matters. I would never want him in my life and he doesn’t want to be in it (never contacted me after he left but for a few phone calls I was too crazed to answer). There is no fantasy anymore. There is nothing to figure out.

I feel so so badly for all who have actually been married to or had a relationship with these very very brutally sick and toxic creatures. I have no idea what the f they want besides controlling sex and/or money but it doesn’t matter. I’m convinced Godzilla was trying to punish older women in his life that were driving him crazy, using me as a conduit. I detest whatever he is, some mutation of a demon or other.

My heart goes to all who have been through this enormous brain/emotional trip to hell and wish you strength and self-love and respect enough to see the truth and walk into it. It can be confusing to lose the confusion!! It hurts to sort out the dissonance. But to live your life, it has to be done.
Heaps of love, understanding and compassion to you. I’ve gone on too long once again, but would still like to comment on some of your posts later. Hope this is helpful to some who are recovering or trying to make sense of this messy and convoluted experience. My heart goes out to you big time and then some.

fightforwhatsright

stillreeling: Thank you. You have definitely helped me today more than I can even explain. I have a spath in my life now and they are brutal, emotional vampires. I truly appreciated your statement that some people get through trauma quickly while others don’t. I think that spaths do target those of us whom are the type that take longer to work through what they do to us. I know I am. My brain is completely changed physiologically. It is a day by day battle to keep myself centered (as Stargazer says) as well as I possibly can that day.

I have also always had anxiety issues, so when a spath, or a group of spaths, has attacked me, it seems like I just get knocked down a little more each time. I am getting older and I just hope I can keep trying to get back up. Thanks, again.

fightforwhatsright

Hi Still Reeling: Do you think that people can be addicted to unsafe people in non love relationships? I feel that is happening to me. Emotional abuse in an unsafe setting.

Stargazer

Well, I wish I had cheerier news today, like now that I let go of the unavailable man, everything is peachy. But today, I’m once again suffering from anxiety. Same addiction I’m having trouble letting of. I got a complimentary clairvoyant reading today with the group where I just finished a set of meditation classes. The classes taught me tools for grounding and releasing old patterns. But this one is very resistant. They told me that there are past lives between me and J. They said he truly has feelings for me but he is frozen in fear and putting up a big wall. They said that if only I could let go and move on, they see me surrounded by all kinds of desirable men and even making money in the salsa world as a teacher. They see incredible things for me. They even see me having a blast on the salsa cruise, and J being jealous of all the attention I get. But the only thing is……for me to receive all this positive energy and all the blessings, I truly have to let him go. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. It’s not like I think he’s the only one for me or even the best one. I let go the other day, but the addiction has creeped back in. They asked me my worst fear if I let him go. It was the fear that I would push him into the arms of my girlfriend whom he teaches with – the one I’m sharing a cabin with on the cruise. They are both divorced and not looking. She is a little younger than me and beautiful. The thought of that makes ME immobile with fear. I am going to get a healing tomorrow from these same people. They help me clear out patterns and emotional pain, so I’m hoping to continue on the positive path I started in letting go. It’s been so painful for me. I know you all can relate to that. I do feel like there has been forward progress. I AM radiating more joy and happiness and less anxiety than I was a week ago. Outside of the reading today, I pampered myself with an hour of Zumba and a mani-pedi, which I NEVER do. It was amazing, and I look great. I am going out dancing tonight. J will be there and so will my gf. She will be dancing with him, and I will see that they have their own special relationship because they are apprentices together in a program that I opted out of (mainly because of him). I cannot control this situation. Nothing I can do. I will do my best to rise above all of this and have a great time salsa dancing.

I just want to add that these psychic people are amazing. All they knew about me was my name. But they read things about me that were right on the money. They could even read J remotely. They told me he is very drawn to my exuberant energy but also afraid of it. This is exactly true. Unfortunately, the conclusion we all came up with is that it’s not healthy for me to continue dancing with him.

Oh and I don’t need any advice – just sharing my ups and downs. Sigh.

I really need to get over this love addiction. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 🙂

fightforwhatsright

Stargazer: I am glad you are here and sharing. I love to watch “Long Island Medium” and she seems to be capable of using that deeper part of her brain like the people you are talking about. I enjoy her open attitude and personality a lot.

Tea Light

therose, this is in reply to your post to me a page back on this thread. Just to say that yes, I’m sure you have valuable qualities which make you a cherished mother and daughter and you don’t want to lose those qualities because of your awful experiences. But trust must be earnt, we can’t afford to give it freely and indiscriminately, when there are, unfortunately , disordered people who do not merit trust and will actively abuse it. So definately, be who you are with your nearest and dearest. But make newcomers work for your trust. Not in a hardened, cynical manner but in an educated, alert, self protective and
Sensible way. All the very best to you.

Stargazer

Well, the situation has gone from bad to worse. Had to see J dancing with my friend L tonight at the club. They are in an elite group of salsa dancers doing an apprenticeship with probably the best teacher in the world. And she was bubbling over about their recent workshops. I was incredibly jealous. I was offered the apprenticeship but turned it down for many reasons, one of them being J. And now I get to see her getting closer and closer to him. Life is grand. We will all be on the salsa cruise in November. They have a bikini night and a “naughty schoolgirl” night. Seriously. I’m 52. I’m too old to be teasing a bunch of guys, though I do look good in a bikini. I want to go bury my head in the sand right now. J and I danced together twice tonight. I think he wanted to dance with me more, but my dance card was pretty full. I actually had a blast dancing with all the guys. I never sat down once. I am determined to get past this and let him go once and for all. I am not going to let him destroy my salsa career and my friendship with L. This is ridiculous at this point.

Stargazer

Tea Light and therose, I enjoy hearing other people’s take on trust. In spite of all the betrayals I’ve had, I am a pretty trusting person. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and let a lot of little things go. An example is recently, a lady backed into my car (with me in it) while she was trying to parallel park a giant SUV. It was just a little scratch but I have a newer paint job on my car, so it does need a touch-up. She seemed genuinely honest and didn’t want to go through insurance. So we are solving it through email. I emailed her the estimate, which is rather hgh. She asked if she could pay it in two payments. I was very kind and gracious with her and trust her to send me the payments. I have every confidence she will pay. The whole thing was pretty stress-free and friendly. I like it this way. I know what it’s like to be on her side of the fence. I could have filed a police report and taken her insurance info just in case. But I trust her. 99% of the time, when I trust people like this, they turn out to be honest. The one time they didn’t was the spath back in 2008. But that’s one in all the many people I’ve met over the years. It works for me to be innately trusting but with a back up plan. (Trust Allah but tie your camel to the post). My back up plan was that if she didn’t pay up, I’d buy an $8 bottle of touch up paint and touch it up myself. It’s a 15 y.o. car so it’s not a huge deal.

I also once read on here about someone who got a flat tire but would not trust any stranger who stopped to help her. I am the queen of flat tires. I’ve had quite a few over the years. There is ALWAYS a kind stranger who stops and puts the spare on for me. I am eternally grateful to these strangers. It never occurs to me that a good samaritan who stops to help me change a tire could be a psychopath.

My take may be a little different than others here. But 5 years after the spath, I have restored my faith and trust in myself to know a good person from a bad person. I’m not saying this works for everyone, but I hope those of you with serious trust issues will find when enough time has passed you can trust in the goodness of most people.

Tea Light

Stargazer, just read through some of your recent posts on the thread. For what it’s worth, Rochester locked his first wife up in an attic and Heathcliff kills a puppy , is physically and psychologically violent to Catherine Linton and generally a complete arse , as I recall! We are fed these representations of abusive masculinity in school as romantic ideals, and it can be tough to put that in the reject bin and to learn that ideals of masculinity are kindness, compassion and the ability to take responsibility.

As far as the social activities on the Salsa Cruise go, I don’t doubt for a second you look wonderful in a bikini and fully dressed, and I’d suggest a ” naughty schoolgirl” night is potentially demeaning and disempowering for a woman of your own or indeed any other age.

About this man, J. I may have missed some posts but my advice would be, life is very short. If you are attracted to this man, trust him based on consistent evidence over time that he is trustworthy, you can afford as one single adult to another to get him alone and say ” I like you, I find you an attractive person, and I’d like to take things further if you are willing. If not, not a problem, I understand you may not want anything but a dance partner “. He says yes, or he says no. Neither of you are 15. Go for it. Or focus your attention elsewhere. All the best to you.

Stargazer

Tea light, thanks for reading my posts and for your feedback. Unfortunately, J and I are way past that point. We have already talked a few times and he is not ready for a relationship. But he “really really really really likes me” and he “likes to be around me” and my smile “makes him happy” and I am his “favorite dance partner.” His words. Lots of mixed messages. I just need to pull away. It’s extremely painful right now. I just need to go through it. And yes, the salsa cruise is starting to sound like spring break. But I’m registered. I will go and I will have a good time. With over 2000 people on the ship, I’m bound to find a few great dance partners.

J compares dancing with me to driving a maserati. Last night at the club, he asked me for “the keys (my hand)”. It’s very endearing and I will miss it. The funny thing is, I didn’t get my feelings all stirred up last night when I danced with him, even during the slow dance. This really does seem to have gone away. The chemistry is fading. But there’s something else driving the addiction and the pain. The fear and jealousy of what might happen. And the feeling that I’m missing out all this fun stuff the apprentices are doing because I opted out of the program.

Tea Light

Stargazer , I’m sorry the situation is painful, does seem that, frankly speaking, this man J values you as a dance partner but does not want a romantic or sexual relationship. Which of course is his right, but not terribly ethical to then interact with you in a sexualized tone. ( The reference to riding you etc). But some people are simply socially inept. It sounds like he’s a member of that tribe ( really really really really likes you?! What like a kid likes ice cream, or his new bike?!) rather than an ill intentioned sociopath. You sound very likely to continue to meet new friends through your love of dance. Park J in the Not To Be space and enjoy yourself would be my advice. You’ve had enough heartache for one lifetime if your an LFer, I’m sure. Have fun and stay safe.

Stargazer

Tea Light, I have already decided this. But it’s been so painful. I have days where I feel totally detached. Then waves of pain come up. I get triggered by my friend L’s stories about their apprenticeship training, their social events, and they are even having their own cruise next year. It’s one thing to walk away from a guy. It’s another thing to watch one of my best friends have all this fun with him that I can’t have (because I become too attached). I also gave up the apprenticeship over this. I wish I could have just done it. If only I could just detach from J, I could have a thriving salsa career. But my addiction is ruining me at the moment. The pain is excruciating and I feel stuck. I have a healing scheduled tonight – energy work. I’m hoping they can help with it. It seems 2 steps forward and one step backward. I was doing so well on Thursday. I felt about 99% detached. Then more pain hit. It’s not too late to do the apprenticeship I think. But I cannot even consider it until I have completely detached once and for all. Then I can join in on the fun. And no, he’s not a spath, not even remotely. You are right, he is just completely clueless and inept with women. He has been married most of his adult life and does not really know how to date or how to behave around women he doesn’t date. And salsa is so sexy anyway, it compounds the problem. I think with me, he is confused. He is very drawn to my energy but he is also afraid of me. I am different from the other women in our circle of friends. I have a lot of spiritual and emotional depth. He is very attracted to this. I know there are men out there who are attracted and also READY. But I will not find them until I can really let go. I don’t know why this is so hard. It seems like every time I detach, something happens to pull me back in.

fightforwhatsright

Stargazer, Watch out for yourself EVERYWHERE including web sites. You sound like a normal, good, and courageous person. I have been pulled in and made fun of also. Remember that sociopaths can be anywhere and everywhere and they pull you in, and then BAM. Your “can-do” attitude and sharing have helped me a great deal. I wanted to make sure you know you are not alone. However, I will probably make a choice to only read the articles. Many long term members have written to me that they just read the articles and rarely comment. I now realize what they were talking about and you may also. Please keep dancing and living and don’t let ANYONE pull you in and then abuse you. They have me and I may not be commenting much longer unless it is stopped. I have been asking and it is not being stopped so I don’t have much hope for that. But, I have a lot of hope for you.

still reeling

Hi Fight and thanks for the post. I’m glad you got something positive from mine. It’s always reassuring to meet a kindred soul, isn’t it? All of us who’ve experienced a path in our lives have similarities. I do believe that, but once in awhile you find a real connection that sparks some hope, recognition, makes you feel less alone.

I’m so sorry you are suffering w/a path still in your life at this time and hope it doesn’t last much longer. It’s not to your advantage. No news to you that these beings will drag you to the depths of hell while you’re thinking you’re in heaven. As I often say, “they choose well.” I believe you’re correct. Those of us who are sensitive, bruise easily and have a tough time recovering are perfect targets for paths. I’m sure they get a lot of personal pleasure out of the torture. If they even care enough to pay attention to your agony. I’m beginning to wonder about that. I think to call them sadists is almost a compliment as it implies they care about something, even if it’s only to enjoy another’s pain. I don’t think paths even care *that* much.

As far as anxiety goes, I hear you and then some. It’s tough to feel as confident as you could w/the restrictions that anxiety puts on your life. I think that’s why working is so important to me. It provides focus and purposeful direction, so not as prone to anxiety when working. Unfortunately, I think obsessive thinking kind of goes along with anxiety, and where it can make one a competent, thorough worker, it wreaks havoc on our emotional lives to not be able to let go. Another fun thing for paths.

I like very much what Tea Light says about trust on June 30, 2013 at 9:30 pm. I think it’s so important to remember that we have to be careful when we open out hearts to someone and let it all hang out. I tend to do that quite a bit because I like feeling close to people but this is one way to get into huge trouble. Paths and other unsavories jump on that like a bear to honey. Trust is a wonderful thing, but as tea says, it needs to be earned and no path in this world deserves your trust or to know your heart.
Thanks for that wonderful post, Tea.

Fight, hang in there and once again, so glad you were able to get something helpful from my post. It feels good to know you have touched/helped someone else. I sincerely do hope you find a way to separate from the path, then enter the no contact zone. It certainly is not easy, hurts and feels unfair. But this is all poured into you from a bad source, like toxic water from a beautiful spring. It looks so nice and makes you sick as a dog.

Things will get better but you have to let go. I have not read all the posts so couldn’t really tell what your situation is, whether you are married, kids, etc w/the path. Different shades of difficulty depending upon the situation you’re in and the quality and depth of emotional involvement. Once again, so sorry you are going through this. As you can see, you are in amazing company. So many smart, articulate and thoughtful people, mostly women, commenting and caring.

I’ll be checking back and I hope things get better for you.
Thinking of you, Fight, and sending all kinds of positive vibes your way!

Still-Standng

Hi fightforwhatsright, thank you for your kind words. I can understand what a mess u r in. I got smart and changed my nickname in case I wanted to warn any others, duh, they would have known who I was. I have been trying to forgive myself and I would say that to anyone new here. They are not an average person to deal with, even if u r a strong emotional person.

Going to try and think on your situation, maybe think like the spath and what he would do to get u out. Lol

fightforwhatsright

Still Standing. Thank you for your help and advice here. I think it is a good idea to recognize abuse and sociopaths truly are everywhere. I remember when I first became a whistleblower. A wiser, older co-worker said, “A fish always stinks from its head” referring to what unraveled. The CEO was the head of the bad and criminal behavior.

Tea Light

Still reeling! Good to see you again. Missed your insights.

Stargazer

Edit: I was finally able to pull up the last few posts. They were on the previous page. Fight, I’ve had a few go-arounds with some of the people here, too, over the years (no one who’s on here now). I’ve been attacked, prosthelytized, and even called a sociopath. Hopefully, it won’t happen with the current group. If it does, I just fade out. You’re right, there are some troubled people who hang out on the internet, and they can be everywhere. It’s a good reminder for me to watch out what I saw in cyberspace.

fightforwhatsright

Hi Stargazer: This is very interesting as are all of your “adventures.” Please re-read again through the posts as a lot is “missing.”

Stargazer

Fight, I’m glad I could be incidentally supportive – I really was just sharing my experience. I’ve been very outspoken here in the past. I don’t consider it courageous to speak up on an internet forum. After all, we are all anonymous here. But thanks for saying so.

Stargazer

Wow, I hope that person wasn’t making fun of me for dancing. That would be the end to my posting. I don’t know what happened that is making you cry, but I hope this is not your main source of support. At its best, this place can be a godsend. But it is still an internet forum, and those can have all kinds. I hope you have some support out there in the world.

Edit: I saw the comment about dancing. I did not take this in a hostile way at all. But that’s me.

Tea Light

Stargazer, I watched a comedy the other night called Waiting For Guffman. I recommended it to Blossom as she’s had a stressful week ( see ‘ the Sociopathic Perspective’ thread.). She watched a clip if this film on youtube. She and Iexchanged lighthearted references to the comic way a character in the extract delivers the line ” let’s dance!”. Please rest assured, there was no reference made to you or your Salsa dancing, implicit or explicit.

To get back to your situation, here’s my thoughts. Oxy used to remind posters a lot that recovery is a journey, rather than a destination, as I’m sure you’ll remember too. Reading your posts, it’s clear that ( as with much in life really) there are costs as well as benefits to participation in the Salsa scene. The benefits are clear from your posts, you get simple pleasure from dancing, a sense of personal acheivement, companionship and camaraderie, travel opportunities. Plenty of pluses. But some clear costs, too. There is all the emotional labour which you are undertaking in your interactions with J, and in managing some unpleasant emotional responses to his partnership with your friend, and when another female dancer appears a possible attractive partner for J.

I brought up the journey analogy as 5 years is not that long to be out of a sociopathic relationship. No doubt you had scars. It seems that some aspects of Salsa leave you tired and feeling vulnerable, despite its many positive aspects. Be sure to weigh up its costs and its benefits Stargazer, and be sure to take the time you need when you feel you want to work on further developing good strong boundaries, awareness of energy reserves being depleted, and on self acceptance.

Stargazer

Fight, I did see the comment and I did not take it offensively. If it was in fact malicious, then this says more about the poster and how they feel about themselves. It has nothing to do with me, so I don’t take it personally. On every forum there will be people who like you and people who just don’t, for whatever reason. It is not a huge deal to me because it is not really about me. After all, these people don’t even know me. It makes me sad when people are hurting so much that they project so many negative things on me. My sister does this. It’s sad but there’s not much I can do about it.

Fight, I am very hesitant to give you advice, but I am burning to do it. Oh what the hell – I’ll just do it anyway. 🙂 Don’t focus on the negativity here. It will bring you more of it, here and elsewhere in your life. Focus on the positive things you want in your life. This may not be the best place to get those things, but if you change the station in your mind, you will attract more positive things into your life and less drama. I am working on doing the same. I’ve been thinking about how wonderful it will be to have a loving and kind man in my life who actually wants me and is attentive to me. It is really helping me break the addictive thinking patterns with the unavailable ones. 🙂

fightforwhatsright

OK. My posts are being removed and hope the people can see this now. Thank you, Stargazer.

Stargazer

Thanks Tea Light. No offense was taken. I tend not to take things too personally. FYI the relationship with the spath lasted 2-1/2 months and took me a year to get over. I am truly over it. However, I am clearing other issues from my upbringing that contribute to the current situation. And you’re right – it’s a mixed bag. I think if I can be strong enough to get through it, salsa could potentially be very beneficial and even lucrative for me. Dancing is my passion in life. Every dance scene is fraught with drama unfortunately.

I just wanted to add that with the estimated 2% of the population being sociopathic, if someone has dated a lot of men (like I have), chances are a sociopath will cross their paths. I know some friends who are extremely healthy but who in one time in their lives dated a sociopath. The difference is when the bad behaviors started, they got out quickly and moved on. I think in my case, my dating that spath was the luck of the draw. I didn’t know what a spath was and didn’t recognize the signs (I do now). As soon as I figured out he was lying and playing some kind of bizarre game, I got out. However, I do have the issue of being attracted to unavailable men so this is what I’m working on.

Although, come to think of it, J and the last one I longed and pined for who was unavailable (a neighbor) are both men who when they rejected me, I couldn’t physically distance myself from them as I would normally do. This is where the pain comes from. In my past I have dated some wonderful men who loved me and wanted to commit to me but the relationships did not last for other reasons. There is no set pattern to the type of men I’ve dated. They’re all over the board.

Redwald

Quote: “I do have the issue of being attracted to unavailable men…

In my past I have dated some wonderful men who loved me and wanted to commit to me but the relationships did not last for other reasons.”

What I seem to be hearing is that whenever a good man actually was available, you ran!

Isn’t this all just fear of commitment, fear of true intimacy? Or am I being too simplistic?

Anyway I’m sure you’re right about salsa being beneficial. You have to be pretty limber to do this stuff:

YouTube—World Salsa Champions 2007

fightforwhatsright

Stargazer, Stillreeling and Still-Standing,

My posts above were removed….not by my choice. Thank you all again for your supportive comments. Supportive comments are good and helpful to victims of sociopaths.

Sparklehorse

I am a mostly lurking semi-old timer checking in. I haven’t been visiting here much lately because I’ve been busy. Around the time when the format of this blog changed, I’d been weaning away from this place because I was finally feeling like I was healed enough from my spath experience. I wanted to log on because when I was more actively reading, I read a lot of what Tea Light and Stargazer wrote, in no small part because each of you express part of my feelings in my spath experience. So I mostly wanted to say it makes my heart happy and gives me hope to see both of you here having made progress in ways that shines through your posts.

I have had zero contact with the spath who tangled with me. He sent me a text on New Year’s in an attempt to lure me back. I ignored it and processed my feelings within a few hours. I feel healed. I have not found a new love relationship but in the past few years, through therapy and some delving into family history, I have learned so much about myself. Also, for years my work has touched on mental health issues but I have other professional training. Before, I never really understood personality disorders and now I do!

The spath is hardly ever on my mind at all. I did think of him a few weeks ago (and fairly quickly realized that I associated that time with some events of significance in our realtionshit that happened during the same week 2 years ago) and I googled him. In the past, even that level of contact would leave me a little shaky and upset. This time, I felt very neutral, close to indifferent. I learned that he lost his job (which he had started during that same week 2 years earlier). I felt some satisfaction but it was mostly for feeling correct anticipating that he wouldn’t be able to keep that job. At the time, I had been supportive, “lending” him the money for plane tickets to fly to the location of his new job and start working. Now I felt some relief that I no longer have to support him (and be pulled into all his madness) and vague wondering about how his next victim (who married him months after I broke up with him for cheating on me with her) is doing now that she has to be the main bread winner. Plus ca change plus ca meme.

Finally, I want to recommend a wonderful song by Sade. It’s called Skin and there are versions of it available on YouTube. In the weeks after I broke up with the spath (but before I understood what he is), I happened to start listening to that new Sade album. I’d bought the album for another song I liked but that one turned out to express exactly how I was feeling at the time.

I wish you all peace and godspeed in your healing journeys.

Stargazer

Update: I *thought* I had backslid, but I actually have been making forward progress. Tonight I went to two back-to-back salsa classes in the town that is 45 minutes away. Not only was it a blast, but I was probably the best dancer in both classes – they are solid intermediate classes. There were about 40 people in the second one. The instructor didn’t have his partner there, so he used ME as his partner, and I surprised myself by doing a great job following his complicated patterns. So I’m on cloud 9 realizing that my dream of being a salsa teacher might not be so farfetched. The best part is that J is not involved with this group. And I have a new gf from these classes who is sort of taking the place in my life of my gf L. I don’t talk much to L anymore, even though we used to be really close and even went to Costa Rica together. Since she started the salsa apprenticeship with J, it’s all she ever talks about. It’s not malicious – it’s just the way this panned out for us. But my new gf G is very sweet and we are having a great time together in classes and at the clubs. And she doesn’t know J. What a relief. I can have a break from all the triggers. I am feeling more and more distant emotionally from him the more I get involved with other things and people that don’t involve him. It’s just what I needed. I think by the time the cruise rolls around in November, he will just be a speck on my radar screen. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Hi sparklehorse :). I remember you. So glad to hear of all your forward progress!

Stargazer

Hi Redwald, to respond to your question about fear of commitment……when I had the loving wonderful men in my life, I was in my 20’s and they were all a little older. They were more like father figures to me. I was young and didn’t know what I wanted. I certainly didn’t really want a commitment then. I probably wasn’t really ready to settle down till my late 30’s. Though there may have been a fear of commitment issue there, since I really didn’t know myself very well, I couldn’t have chosen a mate then. I did work out a lot of abandonment stuff with some of those guys, and they were very gracious about me doing it (they were very spiritual). But they were not the men I was meant to end up with. I can see that now. Back in those days I was a late bloomer and exploring the world of men. Whenever I slept with a man, we were instantly involved. I was never without a bf more than a few months between the ages of 20 and 40. Fortunately, I’ve spent many years alone and am in a much healthier place. Whatever relationships I attract will be on a much different level.

Redwald

Hi Stargazer, thanks for explaining that. That does put a different complexion on the whole matter—and a more positive one at that!

In your 20s, apart from not feeling ready for a permanent commitment yourself, I’d say that marrying an older man who served as a “father figure” was not the best way to go. A marriage like that starts off with the partners on an unequal footing, and the partner playing the “junior” role is more likely to outgrow it in time, leading eventually to a split.

Although the men you’ve dated may not seem to constitute a set pattern, I wonder if what some of them have in common is that you’ve been able to learn something useful from them at each stage of life. That was true with these earlier, older men. Then there was the “sociopath” you mentioned from five years ago. That had to be a painful experience, but if it only lasted three months—well, I imagine it could have been worse. In different circumstances you might have wasted many agonizing years stuck with someone like that. So on the one hand, if one thing you learned from those earlier guys was what a nurturing relationship should be like, that could have helped you to spot something “wrong” with the sociopath that much sooner. And on the other hand, having learned from the sociopath himself what people like that are like, that might help you to avoid an even worse one in the future!

What about this guy “J”? Is there anything useful to learn from him? He doesn’t seem to be shaping up as a serious partner for you. Yet oddly enough, it sounds as though you and he are in a similar position at present. In an earlier post you talked about “the way dating should be, having many options and taking your time with the man smorgasbord.” Doesn’t that sound like what “J” is doing as well—having many options and taking his time with the “woman smorgasbord”? He may be doing it ineptly, but I gather that’s where he’s at right now. So in theory the two of you could be friends and dance partners with a bit of enjoyable flirting on the side—if it weren’t for the addictive tendencies that have been troubling you. So maybe J’s role in your life is to help you learn ways of mastering those tendencies?

It’s a theory, anyway. Good luck, and I hope you have a good Fourth.

Stargazer

Redwald,
Yes, it’s the biggest challenge of my life right now to break this addictive fear. I totally accept him dating other women. It’s just hard imagining that some of them are my friends or people I know that I have to see him flirt with. If is was just him I was dealing with and we weren’t in the same social circle, it would be easier to detach. I have control over myself around him. But I cannot control what happens with him and the other women I know, my salsa friends. That’s where all the pain is coming from right now. As far as me dating the smorgasbord of men, I am ready and available to settle down if J were to step up to the plate or if someone else really special were to come along. He is not ready.

It wasn’t clear reading your post whether you knew that I did not marry the older men in my 20’s. I have never married – yet.

Tea and Everyone,
I found this video on youtube and wanted to dedicate it to you.Although Bernie(the blonde singer on left end) succumbed to breast cancer today,she fought a brave battle.We should all look for the joys in life because we never know when our lives might end.The joys are there~~~we just have to adjust our attitudes at times and look for them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqkyITZ-gu8

This is another video that a friend emailed me.It really makes you think about how how you’re spending your life! The jellybean analogy is vivid!

http://biggeekdad.com/2013/06/a-lifetime-of-jellybeans/

Imara

I spent my day with dear friends…laughed, drank good wine, ate tons of food and then saw the fireworks!!! LIFE as it should be led…Even had the great pleasure of an old friend call my ex a “freak”…for choosing to not enjoy our company!!! So Blossom, I chose to savor my jelly bean for today…..May all our jelly beans be delicious for ALL of us!! If jelly beans do not tickle your fancy, well ladies and gentlemen, trade them in for chocolate!!!

Tea Light

Blossom and Imara, Happy Independence my colonialist free American chums! Blossom, I used to dance as a child when that song came on the radio or ‘Top of the Pops’ the BBC’s weekly show which played the chart hits of the week. Thank you for that. I’m going a buy a box of Jelly Belly beans in town, inspired by these posts. And they will , as ever, be delicious. Especially the coconut and the peanut butter ones…

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