According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain’s reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.
Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can’t get what you want.
So what happens when you fall in love with a sociopath? Why is it so difficult to emotionally disengage from a sociopath, even when you have discovered what they really are? I’ve spoken to many people who know, on an intellectual level, that they are involved with an exploiter. They absolutely understand that they must end the involvement. But they can’t.
The following letter from a Lovefraud reader is a case in point. We’ll call her “TammyLynn.” The other names have been changed as well. I will comment on her case, and why it’s so hard to break away from a sociopath, after her letter.
TammyLynn’s letter
I’ve just turned 41. I was married in 1996 and separated from my husband, David, in January 2009. All during this time, my best friend was male (I’m female). Jeremy and I became close, and when I separated from my husband, I pretty much went straight to him.
Jeremy was everything to me. The PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws ”¦ I trusted him 100%. I told him my secrets, relied on him. We both worked in law enforcement, so I really thought he had the same values.
Fast forward to March 2012. He got arrested for embezzlement from our own agency. (I had been off work for two years at the time for an injury.) We were broke, or so I thought.
After the arrest and a lot of questions on my part, I finally discovered Jeremy had been cheating on me. He denied it until I showed him printed proof at the jail. Yes, I still went to see him.
Jeremy owes me over $27,000. He insists he will pay, but his money is locked up in his divorce. (This part is true because I got power of attorney and was able to view all finances and that’s how I found the other girls.) He’s now in prison and considered a “con” by the media.
Money is an excuse
I need the money”¦ I also know it is an excuse, because once I get the money, I keep telling myself I will cut ties, but I miss what I thought we had. My brain is smart, I’m educated, but my heart is totally stupid and broken.
I love David, my husband, but we don’t have the same relationship. With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things ”¦ etc. Although I love my husband and he is stable, I miss the relationship with the sociopath. I’m humiliated, angry, my kids were also devastated, sooo incredibly sad.
EVERYONE is telling me to run. But even David, my husband, and family, tell me to “con the con” to try to get some of the money back. I’m just not good at it everyday some days I feel like I can con him, others not so much.
Jeremy believes that we will get back together after prison, even though I have told him we won’t, that I do not trust him (God I wish I could). I know I am attractive to the opposite sex, funny with a kindhearted personality. Kids, old people and dogs are my favorite things in life ”¦ I feel pathetic and stupid.
Why can’t I convince myself?
Why can’t I just convince myself what my brain knows???? I don’t get it. And why does he seem to think it should all be understandable because of his own “mental breakdown that caused him to do horrible things.” His words, not mine.
My experience w the sociopath was so entirely different from what my reading, investigating and what I’m hearing. It’s like reading about a totally different person. I’m having a tough time making a clear parallel to the same guy. The guy I loved is NOT what I’ve now been exposed to. It does not seem real. My heart is not recognizing this. My brain says no way, never again. So sad.
I don’t care if you post this, if I could read responses, or if you will take the time to tell me not to be a dummy. I just need other people to help me with my backbone lately. He will be out in a few months, I know I will not be with him, I’m just asking for help with my thinking ”¦ he’s messed me up big time.
Donna’s comments love with a sociopath
First of all, I think it’s fair to say that Jeremy is a sociopath. He swooped in when TammyLynn was vulnerable. He pulled her into a relationship that was both personal and business and then embezzled from the business. The fact that Jeremy is now a recognized con artist and in prison is telling.
But notice how TammyLynn described Jeremy he was “the PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws.” This is the impression that Jeremy wanted to create for her.
Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. They figure out what you are looking for, turn themselves into that person, and then declare that the two of you are soul mates, destined to be together.
Notice what else TammyLynn said about this man “With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things, etc.” Jeremy undoubtedly engaged in love bombing overwhelming attention and affection. This level of adoration is exhilarating, and most likely intensified TammyLynn’s feelings of love. The normal, stable love of her husband just couldn’t measure up.
Sociopaths are different
I don’t know of any fMRI brain studies about sociopaths and love, but researchers at the recent SSSP conference that I attended did present information about how sociopaths’ brains are different. Maybe some of the deep brain mechanisms that Dr. Fisher described do not operate the same way in sociopaths. I do know that sociopaths do not form bonds the way the rest of us do.
Although sociopaths are great at convincing us that they love us, it is all deceit and manipulation. They are not capable of complete love, love that involves truly caring about the welfare of another person. Sociopathic love is fake love.
Because they don’t bond, sociopaths are capable of unceremoniously dumping us when they’re bored, or when a juicier target comes along. We, however, can become obsessed with regaining what we thought we had, even though it was a mirage.
By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site. I’ve heard from people who say they’ve met sociopaths on Chemistry.com along with Match.com, Pleny of Fish, and every other dating website.
Advice for TammyLynn
TammyLynn knows that Jeremy is a con artist, but she is still feeling the pull of romantic love. This is because of the changes her love for Jeremy, which is real, have made in her brain.
The solution is to realize that leaving Jeremy requires breaking an addiction.
TammyLynn must have No Contact with Jeremy. She must stop all communication with Jeremy luckily, he’s in prison, so that should help. Then, like anyone kicking a drug or alcohol problem, she needs to take it one day at a time. Promise herself she will not contact him today. Then make the same promise tomorrow. And the same promise the next day. The longer she stays away, the more his grip on her will dissipate.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not going to be strong enough to “con the con.” If she tries to deal with Jeremy directly, she will be drawn back into his web. He’ll use the pity play on her, telling his tale of woe about his “mental breakdown.” I am certain Jeremy knew exactly what he was doing, and is expressing remorse only because he got caught.
Even if TammyLynn retains an attorney, just having to think about a legal case will keep Jeremy, as Dr. Fisher says, camping in her head.
I’m all for holding sociopaths accountable. But in this case, it’s more important for TammyLynn to rebuild her life. She may have to take her lumps and walk away from the $27,000.
Hello TammyLynn,
Donna is right. You need to walk away from him and never look back. It is one of the most difficult things you will ever do, but it will also be one of the best things. I cannot even describe the hurt I was feeling when I left him, but that hurt soon turned to anger which helped me keep the no contact rule.
Make a deal with a friend. Every time you feel like calling him, call them instead. Or even come on here and do some reading. I promise you it will be worth every minute once you are free of him.
…and read, read, read. There is a great book called, “How to Break an Addiction to a Person.” There are many good books including Donna’s. I agree with most of the people here who are in, or working towards, no contact. My situation is a little different and for money, so I have limited contact and study about how to stop lines from being crossed. However, no contact is the way to go if you don’t need this person for financial support or aren’t trying to protect your children. He is NOT who you think he is from that “nice” phony he shows you part of the time.
If you have any evidence of loaning him the money, you can sue him for it. But, if you can, let go of the money because before you know it, you will be loaning him more and more and the next thing you know, he will owe you 47,000. Them borrowing money from us is extremely common. It becomes a justice cause for me to get my money back. Then, I begin to put up with anything trying to get my money back. I am ahead moneywise this time and I will never loan money to a man again.
I will see if I can find the article from a few weeks ago about Oxytocin and how it keeps us in an addictive state long after real love is gone…
TammyLynn, I know exactly what you’re feeling. I know we’re all going to tell you that and it may or may not help you but we’re all here because we had such a difficult time distancing ourselves from our spath.
Recently, I went through my 2nd go around with a spath (although she’s not a full blown spath, she also has characteristics of borderline personality disorder – Donna, I’d like to get your thoughts on that in a private message) and in a lot of ways it’s harder this time than the first because I’ve been researching spaths since 2008 and I saw the red flags but ignored them. I thought if I tried harder, I could show her I was good man (although the things she called me were extremely damaging to me as a person and my reputation) and before I knew it, I’d lost my identity, once again, to someone I’d like to call ‘soul sick’ – and that’s what Jeremy is without even meeting him. I don’t have to meet him; I know the spaths all too well now.
What’s important is to try and tell yourself as often as possible, that this isn’t your fault, that you aren’t stupid for falling in love, and that the man you fell in love with is just an illusion. That’s right – you fell in love with an ILLUSION, not the man. We were all suckered in by someones too-good-to-be-true sales pitch. Yes, it feels shameful at first and that’s why we’re all here to give you the positive reinforcement you need and deserve. There’s a lot of good, loving people here that will help you get through this. Remember: you aren’t alone. We’ll help you recover and I’m sure you’re making strides as I write this.
The ‘no contact’ that FFWR brought up is so important. I know you’re so tempted to have him contact you so you can out him in his place but int eh end, all you’re doing is walking on a treadmill expecting to get somewhere. You’re burning calories and getting nowhere. My ex spath/BPD’er decided that she wanted nothing to do with me and I keep trying to tell people the knew her and knew of her that she won’t possibly contact me again, not after the insults we hurled back and forth and after she told a mutual friend…bullied rather…to not talk to me ever again. I have my own reasons as to why she doesn’t want me talking to this friend, and it involves this friends ex and my ex. 2 typical spath behavior characteristics: lying and control. Still, the nature of a spath is so unpredictable that it almost seems like they know when you’ve recovered and then out of nowhere, comes a text, email, Facebook message, or phone call or a birthday card. Spaths will use your kindness as weakness and assume you’ll respond to them wanting to know if you’re okay or some type of emergency. The thing is…don’t engage whatsoever, not even to tell them how bad him how bad he hurt you and accuse him of being a soul sick, heartless, emotional vampire. It won’t affect him at all. Your NC will drive him crazy and allow you to have the power. My therapist recently told me ‘Responding to a spath is like giving a bird ONE bird seed. They’ll keep coming back for me.’
TammyLynn, I didn’t mean to share my issues with you as any type of comparisons to what you’re dealing with. I’m slowly taking steps to get out of what happened to me, and every day I feel better. You will, too. It’s not easy, and it will take time, but what’s important is to have a solid support group of family and friends to talk to and get their advice. Your friends and family love you and won’t let you sink.
I’m sure I speak for us all when I tell you that you are seeking help while Jeremy is not. You will come out of this wiser, stronger and better educated to the red flags while Jeremy will still remain the soul sick man he is. You will eventually find a man who respects you, loves you, cherishes you and will see you as an equal. Jeremy, on the other hand, will still be the manipulating, deceitful, lying and emotional draining man he is now. That being said, you have a LOT more going for you then he does.
I’ll say a prayer for you and send you good, strong energy, too. Remember: none of us here will let you put yourself down and beat yourself up. You opened up your heart and there’s no crime in that. Next go around, will be much sweeter for you. I guarantee it!!!!
I just re-red my post. Holy type-o’s!!!!!!
Thanks so much for this Donna. My abuser has sent three text messages this morning. My call blocker literally alerted me to the third as I began reading the article. I will be revisiting no contact articles to stay strong and focused. I anticipated a renewal of stalking this week as his ( 2nd) wife is leaving him this weekend to live in her own country with their young son. He is a pathological liar, a rapist, highly narcissistic. He conned me into beginning a relationship, claiming he was separated. He lovebombed me for months. Because I knew nothing about how socio/ psychopaths operate, I agreed to a holiday in a very remote location where he repeatedly assaulted me. He continues to stalk me 7 months later, and unwaveringly claims he ” loves” me, that I am his “angel” and the ” love of his life”.
Sociopaths, as Donna says, offer false love. They mimic love. They learn what expressions people who love use, and parrot them. I hope for TammyLynn that she stays
safe and strong in her resolve to never have contact with her criminal ex in the future.
Tea Light: I am so sorry to hear that your ex is starting to stalk you. I am sure that is upsetting your system and triggering trauma. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. I had hoped he would be on to bothering new people. But, they always want what they can’t have.
Thanks fightsie, I’ve not read the texts, and it’s been quiet since. I will go back to the police if it continues. They told me last time that one of the measures that can be taken is the seizure of his passport by the police in his country to prevent him stalking me here. I’m stronger than I was in the aftermath of the assaults last Nov. So I’m worried but not panic stricken.
I take it this is referring to Howard Halpern’s How to Break Your Addiction to a Person? I’ve never read the book myself, but I’ve heard from a couple of people before who found it helpful, and it does come highly rated.
It’s reasonable to suppose that if an attachment to an unsuitable person takes on the character of an addiction, then techniques that are effective in breaking other addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.) may be useful in that situation also.
Hi Redwald: Yes, I have an earlier printing of Halpern’s book. It is very helpful with being able to think differently in order to detach and perhaps get to no contact as one chooses. I found it a very good read.
I can totally relate to this!
I started dating a guy recently only to find that he was a total player – multiple women on the hook via Facebook and text messaging. His outward persona is of a man who is profoundly caring, polite, and attuned to the needs of his partner. The problem is that he has many, many partners and doesn’t tell the truth about it. This is not at all attractive in a man in his mid-40’s. Regardless, I found myself having cravings for the return of the good times and was willing to give him a chance to come clean and mend his ways instead of cutting him off immediately. Then I sat down and asked myself what the hell I was doing.
There are still lessons to be learned after a relationship with a sociopath. I haven’t quite got it right yet.
Onmyown: I began a relationship with a guy 3 1/2 yrs ago…Long distance… but I found out that he is a Player also.. I asked him once if he “used” women and he thought for a “second” and said “NO”. He doesn’t know that I know that he has had multiple sexual encounters and women in his life since we met.. He says the words to me “I love you”….but after being on this site, and educating myself via “Without Conscience” and ” The Sociopath Next Door”.. I finally realized this is what he is and that the “words” don’t mean anything…. there are conversations and such intimate moments that would lead “me” to believe he means what he says.. and then I find something that indicates I’m not the only one he says these words to… Am I nuts for hangin on? I probably am.. but I AM ADDICTED….. I have tried to not communicate as much… but it is hard..I’ ve tried to allude that I know him better than anyone probably ever has….but he keeps me in his “Life”… and we rendevous and when we are together, eveything is as all women would want it to be.. Loving, Kind, Affectionate… etc. but other things, like being a poor-gift giver…ie for all 3 yrs, I haven received Candy for Christmas ( and he knows I don’t eat Candy) and a small Bouquet of Flowers for my Birthday.. I have never received anything “personal”, like a necklace, bracelet, sweater…Golf balls ( I play golf)…., Music CD (he knows I love Music of all genres’), Concert Tickets.. etc etc. He knows my interests,but I never receive anything “thoughtful” and that might take a little time to shop for… you know what I mean. He does pay for most dinners, hotel stays, etc…. and that IS something.. but we women know what we need and he doesn’t get it… or more accurately.. doesn’t care enough or really care at all to put forth that kind of thoughtful, caring effort. So, I try to accept the “it is what it is” and enjoy the times when “we” are together and not think about anyone..but us. Hard, yes? is it me? No…. I think the boredom will kick in at some point for him… and I’ll be gone.. but so far…. he tells me he could never be bored with me… we’ll see…. if I stay long enough.. I’m actually gettin bored with him…:) ….LOTS OF LESSONS TO BE LEARNED OnmyOwn… but sometimes we just don’t apply them… 🙂 Good luck to you…
I know exactly where you’re coming from with this —
“I asked him once if he “used” women and he thought for a “second” and said “NO”.
This guy came to the area to work long term on a gas pipeline and I asked if he was one of the ones who uses local women for a while then leaves. He said no, adamantly.
Not only are there three of us locally, there are three more near his home city. Where does he find the energy for all of this?
I think I’m lucky that I know now to pay attention to red flags early, even though I’m slower to “get it” than I would like right now. I wasn’t in it long enough this time to feel a lot of pain. I suppose I also know this time around that it had nothing to do with me, my worth as a woman and human being, and everything to do with his own failings.
I spent 16 months with a full-on, red flag waving sociopath and two years recovering before this creep entered my life, so I do understand the addiction. It can be broken, but only when you’re ready
Onmyown: Your guy isn’t an astrologer is he? j/k. My spath was OBSESSED with Facebook and his phone, like a teenage girl. In his 40’s. Tonight, three weeks post-breakup, he actually did come clean about what he is and what he does. And then he asked me if I wanted to come over and sleep with him. (?!)
He never mentioned astrology – no suns, moons, or anything else rising in my first house. The previous sociopath I was with was convinced he was a palm reader, though. lol
One night I was sitting next to the player and I asked him if he’d ever had a goatee, because I was looking at his profile and I thought he’d look really good with one. He asked if I meant his Facebook profile. I said no – I meant the profile of his head! Obsessed, yes.
I hope you answered that guy in an appropriate manner. I would not have been very polite.
Unless you’re a sociopath, you cannot survive/succeed in corporate world.
Not universally true.
The latespath was brilliant, prestigious education, fluent in 4 foreign languages, impressive writing skills, good speaker, charming and a diagnosed sociopath. He worked for a total of about 5 1/2 years, with 2 different law firms and one corporate law department in 28 years since graduation.
On the other side, I just found out that a guy that I knew in high school was recently hired as the controller of a business that has over 30,000 employees. Average student, average schooling, but open and friendly. Caring, helpful, down to earth, not afraid to get his hands dirty, always willing to lend a hand, and honest; then and now. No nepotism.
Sometimes good guys, the right guys, win.
TammyLynn-
There are so many neurological and emotional forces at work to connect us to betraying love interests, that it is easy to see oneself as obsessed with the object of our affections.
The brain’s electrical and chemical reaction to love, the sense of deprivation that occurs when the stimulation is cut off, the emotional glue that bonds us in betrayal, and our “normalcy bias” that enables us to overlook the obvious in order to return to what made us feel “normal”, are all hard at work.
Love is not just an emotion. It’s a chemically induced state that, along with determination, can be overcome by producing similar chemicals in other ways.
I’m a migraine sufferer. A source of my migraines comes from caffeine deprivation. So while I like the energy that caffeine produces to start out my mornings, I know that the jolt comes at a price. Instead of drinking caffeine that will result in a migraine as the stimulant wanes, I go for a run in the morning and have sworn off anything but decaffeinated coffee for years. Today, the idea of drinking caffeinated coffee doesn’t even enter my mind.
Oxytocin and other chemicals that were produced during your relationship are difficult to part with. Their hold will lessen on you over time spent apart. You can increase your ability to keep your distance by replacing them with neurotransmiters and endorfins from other sources such as the ones you can pump up with vigorous exercise or indulging in other activities that give you self esteem and pleasure.
Known-
Recent studies seem to support the concept that psychopaths and sociopaths have high levels of testosterone which can enable their achievements in a competitive environment. If you watch the show Mad Men, you’ll see the fictional rise of a group of cads who, if based on a true story, would likely have qualified as having antisocial personality disorders. Yes, they’ll rise to the top, but the higher they get, the worse their tumbles,if and when they’re found out. Take a look a Bernie Madoff if you’d like evidence of this in the real world.
Your comment seems to convey that intellect and hard work will never produce achievers and I’d beg to differ with you on that conclusion. There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and doing so by thwarting others can have serious repercussions when discovered.
Jm
I doubt I would have ever gotten the insight into the disaster I was left with, without the words of EscortM. I would have never seen the true evil of the latespath, beyond my eyes which simply saw abusive, unappreciative, criminal, and, undefinable to me, crazy.
I am paraphrasing all of the posts because of the position of the board on re-posting messages sent to their website.
Post by EscortM, under an alias screen name rather than the one she always used, in summer of 06, referring to the latespath, never using his ‘handle’.
‘I fell truly, deeply, love with a married john. Before getting we began a real relationship, I knew that he was seeing at about 5 escorts every week and I know that even being in love with him, I can’t change this. After knowing him for months, we admit our feelings. He rents an apartment for us [What she doesn’t say is that the apartment is in her name only and paid for with checks he stole from my mother and she is depositing the obviously stolen checks in her bank account] . Although I am still an escort, less so because of him, we see each other Monday through Friday; he sees lots of other girls and includes me sometimes in the sessions. I have become a madam, using the apartment [reality, his/their idea; his writing all over the brothel papers] and while he always told me about all the other girls, knowing that it hurts me; now has sex with ‘the stable’ in front of me. I know this “is his way”, so I go along, even though I know he is being hurtful and disrespectful to me, especially in front of others. I know he needs variety, but he is making me look stupid, a jerk. Of course my professional girls and friends don’t understand him the way I do, but I feel he needs to be less obvious. He just doesn’t understand that. I love him and want him. I am afraid that if he doesn’t start to appreciate me, we will have no relationship. Help.’
This particular escort site had a licensed psychologist on ‘staff’, I will call her Dr.C.
‘She answered EscortM in great detail. First telling her to RUN. Then she went on to say that she felt anger in every word that Escort M wrote; and that EscortM is ignoring her own anger for fear of losing the latespath. Dr.C admits that falling in love is a yummy feeling, BUT. He is married and so are you. You are an escort, misdemeanor; running an in-call escort agency, felony; why? You are enabling him, he is still having all the sex he wants, but now you are giving him permission. Your friends and other sex workers see his games and your hurt. Question yourself as to what type of loving, caring, nice person makes advances to YOUR sex workers in front of you. I get shivers just reading your words. Forget the apartment. He is not good. My gut hurts and I can not even see your pain. Leave now, he will only break your heart and create problems in your future. He is not going to change, he is playing you and will continue to do so. Your future means nothing to him, he only wants what he wants. I am, as a professional, worried.’
From other escort’s and john’s point of views.:
1-He is not going to change, you are being used, I think you know it. You are not being treated like a person. No future.
2-You know to dump him, but your emotions won’t let him go. Breaking up is going to hurt and be a mess, leave him, deal with the pain and heal. You are a supply source. You are on the path of abuse, especially saying that no one understands him. Forget your pride.
3-He doesn’t make you look stupid, he is making you stupid. You know this relationship is bad, but you don’t want to see the consequences. Leave, you will need every bit of luck you can muster.
‘4-You are being used.
5-If you try to change him, he will dump you.
6-You are living in a dream world because of the apartment and his ‘love you’. He is manipulating you, for his benefit. Get out.
7-Run, not even good-bye.
8- Low life, only problems.
9-Your intuition knows what is happening as is your brain. Leave in order to live. He is manipulator, interested only in what he wants. He buys you things to keep you prisoner, to confuse you. You don’t realize he is doing this to you. He attached you to him, you gave him permission to do this. You can be independent without him. He only wants a home away from where he lives. It’s about control. Why did you open a house of prostitution? If the police find out, everything will become part of crime scene. He charmed you so much at the beginning that you became ‘hooked’ on him; he is a pusher and ‘charm’ is the drug he sells and you became addicted. He has no respect for you, his family, other ‘girls’, not even himself. He will abuse you, you will not see it because he will have convinced you that without him you are nothing. You know something just is not right, but you don’t see what. You will wonder how you missed the ‘red flags’, why you didn’t get out. He knows how to make you dependent on him for your own self esteem, which it can’t, it has to come from your inner self. He will leave and you will wonder, while sitting in HIS apartment, what damage he will eventually cause. I don’t want to see the end. He is toxic, you are going to be hurt, and most likely you will go down with him or without him. Look around, why are you here now, how did he get to you, what void in your life did you think he filled. If you stay in this relationship, you will become his victim; you probably already are. Email me, I was involved with a toxic man for years and have been in therapy, I know what I am saying.
The above post is a true reflection of the real person behind the EscortM persona. Her emails to the latespath reflect the same misery with him, their relationship, and herself.
Name means everything, or at least what we perceive the identity to mean. Johns and escorts always saw EscortM as smart and independent, just as they saw the latespath as a generous, sensitive, and caring. There are entire threads about how wonderful he is. When EscortM died, the people in the escort world could not stress how he is grieving, how good he was to/for EscortM. When he died these people could not stress how deep his love for her was, how wonderful he was, how they are missing him.
I found it amazing how well people saw through the latespath, when they had no idea of who they were judging. It’s a shame when she got angry she didn’t contact me or just left him.
Lost, I am so saddened for M reading your summary of her post. Clearly a fragile individual in the very worst profession possible ( and with the worst type of man) to have given herself much of a chance of staying dry; you’ve posted before that her relapse into alcoholism followed, and her death. I think I have that right, sorry if my wires are crossed.
I was thinking about your posts the other night watching a film called House of Tolerance. This is a recent award winning French film about an ‘ upmarket’ brothel run by a madame in Paris in the 1890’s. It’s portrayal of the women who work there is intelligent and moving, there’s no gratuitousness but one very nasty representation of violence by a psychopathic ‘john’. One of the women falls in love with her regular client who becomes bored, wants her to have threesomes, and she is heartbroken and sinks into opium addiction. It goes into detail about the business side, the finances, you may find it interesting Lost.
Hi Tea,
M, at least according to the therapists that have read her writings, was a very real person. She graduated high school in a good area, but never pursued further education. She wrote well, especially her poetry. She would take vacations with her mother, even when she was involved with the latespath; made sure the latespath was welcomed in her parent’s house, and would tell him that he had a ‘new mother in law’.
From her writings and photographs, she was a perennial teenager. She liked to be photographed in front of music clubs, wearing clothes that could have come out of her daughters’ closets. Her emails read like a teen’s:’I can’t go on with out you’, ‘I need you here’, ‘You didn’t write back'(this after 17 minutes). She would send him pictures of chairs that cost $15.00 from a ad from a discount store and ask him to ‘please buy me this’. He bought her a dog from a backyard breeder; she named the dog after her favorite 70s musician, and kept sending him pictures of the dog.
One of the most disturbing photos, to me, she posted on her blog, was of herself dressed in nothing but a scarf. Okay, it was a $826.61 Louis Vuitton scarf, of course paid for with an illegally obtained credit card in my mother’s name. A 49 year old, average build, several pregnancies, and a few major surgeries, should not post a basically nude photo. Just a snapshot, not professional, not ‘touched up’. M was so proud of this blog photo.
She was forever the party girl, perhaps she saw escorting as a way to stay that way. She was a study in contrasts. Teenager/Escort. Yes she was the one who had the alcohol problems.
I am sure that the latespath saw all of this and knew how to appeal to all of her aspects; “M would kill me if I ever cut off my ponytail”.
I really wish that I could have spoken to her.
I checked out “House of Tolerance”, when my Amazon UK cart get a little fuller, I may order it; doesn’t pay for just a few pounds considering the postage charge. Love anything Victorian, watching Ripper Street now. Thanks
I believe the addiction of trying to get a “high” of the feelings of love at the beginning of a relationship back again, is probably the top addiction realistically. I have always been surprised with what I will put up with for a very long time just hoping to regain the way I was treated for two weeks!
How does what this speaker is talking about equate to falling in love with a sociopath? I don’t get the connection…
Ironschool – Thank you for your question. In her letter, TammyLynn wonders why she is having so much trouble leaving the sociopath, even though she knows intellectually that the man is an exploiter. He has lied to her, cheated on her and taken her money. Yet TammyLynn still feels like she deeply loves him.
The reason she still loves him is the addictive nature of romantic love. In the video, Helen Fisher describes the intensity of romantic love – she refers to it as an addiction. She is describing how the desire for a partner’s love is deeply rooted in the brain’s biology. It is very difficult to break the addiction, even when a person knows that the object of his or her love is bad for them. A person will feel this way, even when the partner is inappropriate.
Because Jeremy is a sociopath, and sociopaths do not bond the way regular people do, the “love” he showed was essentially fake. But TammyLynn’s love was real. In order for her to do what she knows is best for her – which is put Jeremy out of her life – she needs to treat her feelings for him as an addiction.