According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain’s reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.
Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can’t get what you want.
So what happens when you fall in love with a sociopath? Why is it so difficult to emotionally disengage from a sociopath, even when you have discovered what they really are? I’ve spoken to many people who know, on an intellectual level, that they are involved with an exploiter. They absolutely understand that they must end the involvement. But they can’t.
The following letter from a Lovefraud reader is a case in point. We’ll call her “TammyLynn.” The other names have been changed as well. I will comment on her case, and why it’s so hard to break away from a sociopath, after her letter.
TammyLynn’s letter
I’ve just turned 41. I was married in 1996 and separated from my husband, David, in January 2009. All during this time, my best friend was male (I’m female). Jeremy and I became close, and when I separated from my husband, I pretty much went straight to him.
Jeremy was everything to me. The PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws ”¦ I trusted him 100%. I told him my secrets, relied on him. We both worked in law enforcement, so I really thought he had the same values.
Fast forward to March 2012. He got arrested for embezzlement from our own agency. (I had been off work for two years at the time for an injury.) We were broke, or so I thought.
After the arrest and a lot of questions on my part, I finally discovered Jeremy had been cheating on me. He denied it until I showed him printed proof at the jail. Yes, I still went to see him.
Jeremy owes me over $27,000. He insists he will pay, but his money is locked up in his divorce. (This part is true because I got power of attorney and was able to view all finances and that’s how I found the other girls.) He’s now in prison and considered a “con” by the media.
Money is an excuse
I need the money”¦ I also know it is an excuse, because once I get the money, I keep telling myself I will cut ties, but I miss what I thought we had. My brain is smart, I’m educated, but my heart is totally stupid and broken.
I love David, my husband, but we don’t have the same relationship. With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things ”¦ etc. Although I love my husband and he is stable, I miss the relationship with the sociopath. I’m humiliated, angry, my kids were also devastated, sooo incredibly sad.
EVERYONE is telling me to run. But even David, my husband, and family, tell me to “con the con” to try to get some of the money back. I’m just not good at it everyday some days I feel like I can con him, others not so much.
Jeremy believes that we will get back together after prison, even though I have told him we won’t, that I do not trust him (God I wish I could). I know I am attractive to the opposite sex, funny with a kindhearted personality. Kids, old people and dogs are my favorite things in life ”¦ I feel pathetic and stupid.
Why can’t I convince myself?
Why can’t I just convince myself what my brain knows???? I don’t get it. And why does he seem to think it should all be understandable because of his own “mental breakdown that caused him to do horrible things.” His words, not mine.
My experience w the sociopath was so entirely different from what my reading, investigating and what I’m hearing. It’s like reading about a totally different person. I’m having a tough time making a clear parallel to the same guy. The guy I loved is NOT what I’ve now been exposed to. It does not seem real. My heart is not recognizing this. My brain says no way, never again. So sad.
I don’t care if you post this, if I could read responses, or if you will take the time to tell me not to be a dummy. I just need other people to help me with my backbone lately. He will be out in a few months, I know I will not be with him, I’m just asking for help with my thinking ”¦ he’s messed me up big time.
Donna’s comments love with a sociopath
First of all, I think it’s fair to say that Jeremy is a sociopath. He swooped in when TammyLynn was vulnerable. He pulled her into a relationship that was both personal and business and then embezzled from the business. The fact that Jeremy is now a recognized con artist and in prison is telling.
But notice how TammyLynn described Jeremy he was “the PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws.” This is the impression that Jeremy wanted to create for her.
Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. They figure out what you are looking for, turn themselves into that person, and then declare that the two of you are soul mates, destined to be together.
Notice what else TammyLynn said about this man “With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things, etc.” Jeremy undoubtedly engaged in love bombing overwhelming attention and affection. This level of adoration is exhilarating, and most likely intensified TammyLynn’s feelings of love. The normal, stable love of her husband just couldn’t measure up.
Sociopaths are different
I don’t know of any fMRI brain studies about sociopaths and love, but researchers at the recent SSSP conference that I attended did present information about how sociopaths’ brains are different. Maybe some of the deep brain mechanisms that Dr. Fisher described do not operate the same way in sociopaths. I do know that sociopaths do not form bonds the way the rest of us do.
Although sociopaths are great at convincing us that they love us, it is all deceit and manipulation. They are not capable of complete love, love that involves truly caring about the welfare of another person. Sociopathic love is fake love.
Because they don’t bond, sociopaths are capable of unceremoniously dumping us when they’re bored, or when a juicier target comes along. We, however, can become obsessed with regaining what we thought we had, even though it was a mirage.
By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site. I’ve heard from people who say they’ve met sociopaths on Chemistry.com along with Match.com, Pleny of Fish, and every other dating website.
Advice for TammyLynn
TammyLynn knows that Jeremy is a con artist, but she is still feeling the pull of romantic love. This is because of the changes her love for Jeremy, which is real, have made in her brain.
The solution is to realize that leaving Jeremy requires breaking an addiction.
TammyLynn must have No Contact with Jeremy. She must stop all communication with Jeremy luckily, he’s in prison, so that should help. Then, like anyone kicking a drug or alcohol problem, she needs to take it one day at a time. Promise herself she will not contact him today. Then make the same promise tomorrow. And the same promise the next day. The longer she stays away, the more his grip on her will dissipate.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not going to be strong enough to “con the con.” If she tries to deal with Jeremy directly, she will be drawn back into his web. He’ll use the pity play on her, telling his tale of woe about his “mental breakdown.” I am certain Jeremy knew exactly what he was doing, and is expressing remorse only because he got caught.
Even if TammyLynn retains an attorney, just having to think about a legal case will keep Jeremy, as Dr. Fisher says, camping in her head.
I’m all for holding sociopaths accountable. But in this case, it’s more important for TammyLynn to rebuild her life. She may have to take her lumps and walk away from the $27,000.
Donna I found this post to be very helpful for me. To be able to understand the neuro science of what is happening to me allows me to deeply acknowledge the fact that people with high cluster B traits perpetrate intentional harm. By not being able to love and bond they sever our more normal ties with deft coldness and callousness. The science though, allows me to even consider forgiveness cause they are so faultily wired. And it helps me understand me…my wiring, my need for attachment to someone who is capable of hurting me, and my longing for “normal”.
In a ‘normal’ break-up there is still the addictive nature of romantic love that leads to tears, depression etc. But with a spath, they play the addictive romance and draw it out. So it is not a ‘normal’ relationship nor a ‘normal’ break up.
In the mirroring, I was reflected back the perfect partner and relationship and my perfect self. The love-bombing took away the natural process of getting to know another person. Blindsided.
I told a counsellor several years ago that I hung in for that 5% of absolute bliss/connection. (The other 95% was the manipulation and the slipped mask etc.) Neither of us caught on to what was happening.
……….
There is some theory out there – I wasn’t able to relocate my original source – that women become addicted to their partner’s sperm. Involves hormones etc. Psychology Today had one article. The abandonment also then becomes more horrific in the withdrawal. Apparently, a theory why some women rebound so quickly to another sexual partner.
……….
In my experience, I didn’t have this issue to contend with. I was shattered – adjustment disorder (breavement), self-esteem..the hold thing.
I lost hope. Or more so, my ability to hope was corrupted. Even now, a feeling of hope also shares a feeling of fear and dread.
Shelley
Hi Shelley,
Those are some very good points. I especially like your reminder that there is such a thing as a normal break up. I have not had many serious relationships in my life because of my moral beliefs. But, I have had some normal break ups when I was in the beginning of relationships that I could see were not good for me before I got in too deep emotionally or physically. I had totally forgotten what that was like. Thanks for the reminder.
Great talk by Helen Fischer, and it applies to all forms of love addiction – not just to addiction to a sociopath.
I am battling a love addiction right now, and the guy is not a sociopath, but he has, I think, played with women’s feelings. I don’t know how much is intentional and how much is just his not knowing how to behave after two failed marriages and suddenly finding himself immersed in the salsa scene with so many women. It’s been so painful for me. I feel like the monkey with my hand in the cookie jar. I’m trying to pull the cookie out but my hand won’t fit through the opening as long as I’m grasping the cookie. The only way to get it out is to drop the cookie. But I won’t drop the cookie. For me, the cookie is the contact with this guy through dancing. And also the salsa scene. I’m not willing to give it up completely. In staying in it, I keep running into him. He is at the clubs; he is in my class; he is all over the scene. And when I dance with him, I get hooked in again. The cookie is also that little tiny bit of hope I still harbor every time he acts romantically toward me.
The other night I was visiting some old friends in their big old house in a very quiet town. My friends are like monks – they are very peaceful and spiritual men who have a calming influence on me. Being in their house refreshed my spirit. I realized from this calm perspective that I need to just get out of the salsa scene. It’s not good for me. I need to make a clean break from the guy to break the addiction.
But there is something about salsa dancing that pulls me in deeper. It’s as if two parts of myself are at war. Dancing is my passion in life – one of them. And I have come so far in salsa now that I’m actually getting pretty good at it. It’s to the point where I’m an assistant teacher for a beginner class – the same class I started in a year ago. And I started taking classes with another teacher (that the guy I like is not connected to thankfully), and I love these classes. I am signing up to continue his classes up in another town that is a 45 minute drive away. It’s a place where the guy I like” doesn’t dance. This isn’t bad because I don’t have to deal with him. But here’s the worse part. I committed myself to going on a salsa cruise in November. I was all excited about it until I found out he is going too. My heart sank. I don’t want to drop out over him. But I don’t want my stomach tied up in knots the whole time I’m there.
I’ve decided the problem is severe enough for me at this point to seek therapy specifically designed to deal with this issue. I reached out to a therapist tonight and waiting for a response. I have been taking a meditation class that helps somewhat but I have so much stress and anxiety over this situation that I need something more. Not sure what.
I have a good life here. No, I have a great life here. Lots of friends and social activities. Two good part-time jobs, and a great deal on a place to live that I used to own but now am just renting it back. And I’m contemplating just moving to break this addiction.
Stargazer: I’m so glad to hear how strong your resolve is. I hope you can have your salsa and distance yourself from a potential spath.
Dearest Stargazer, I know how you feel. I too have a good life where I live. I can take a walk on a beautiful beach every day of the year, I have few but good friends, a good job, a family that loves me. So many blessings really. Unfortunately, when I divorced my spath, he bought a house 5 houses away from me to share with his next victim. he divorced her less than one year after getting married but is back and forth with her still. I can’t seem to get away from the drama. PPL I work with know him well and always seem to want to update me on his life. They don’t know what I do about him and wouldn’t believe it anyway. As much as I love my home, I think that the only way to truly be rid of him is to move far away. He once told me that wherever I go, he would find me. That he believes we will again be together. He is with #3 now but I know that once my family leaves at summer’s end, he’ll be sniffing around here again. I want so much to believe there is still good in men but without getting into my whole story, I have NO TRUST in any of them. I think I will spend my life alone. This feels safe to me. Sick.
therose:
I think it is just the worst for people here who have the stalking type. Just so wrong. You should be able to enjoy your beach without worry. If you have to move, I hope you can stay close to your support system and your beach. It’s too bad that while the internet gives us a better way to keep track of them, or investigate them, it also is very difficult to move and be “unlisted” anywhere. Take care of yourself.
Thanks, fight. I’m reasonably certain he’s not a spath though. He’s just playing the field after a divorce and doesn’t really know what he wants. In the process, he may be playing with the feelings of a few women (my conjecture). It could just be me who feels like I’m being played with. I don’t know. My gf L dances with him all the time and even teaches salsa with him, and they don’t have that kind of relationship. He dances with a lot of women and has a lot of women friends that he is not romantic with. He is just a big dork in his mid-50’s. He’s not even the greatest dancer in the room. It’s just this chemistry we have.
However, at this point, it’s my unwillingness to walk away that’s the culprit. I know where he’s at and what he’s doing. I still danced with him on Sunday at our usual venue. When I arrived, he was just standing around not dancing with anyone. When he came up to pull me on the floor, he said he wanted to try out this new dance move. It was all very friendly. Then we danced another song or two. After that, I was completely breathless. Our chemistry together is such that we are amazing dance partners together. If we had been in a dance troupe and been in competitions together, and just kept it at that, we would have been fabulous. If I could just leave it at that and enjoy it for what it is, it would be fabulous.
I told him what a great dancer he is. He told me I inspire him. After that, he spontaneously walked over to me when I was talking with my teacher and teacher’s gf. He put his arm around my waist and held me. I said, “What’s up, J?”. He said, “Oh I just wanted to do this,” and held my waist for a few seconds before walking away. My teacher and his gf and I all rolled our eyes. We have all observed his mixed with me many many times. But at this point, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it. I know I just need to walk away. But without those 3 dances with him that night, the night would have been a wash for me. I did dance (and flirt) with other men. But there is nothing on earth like dancing with him. The general consensus is that he’s clueless with women. He’s an engineer, and his brain does not think like other men’s. But I think to some extent, he knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows how to keep me just close enough to get his needs met – but won’t let me (or anyone) get too close. He is unavailable.
This is all after we had one last hurrah a few weeks ago. I agreed to go to a concert with him at a very romantic outdoor venue, knowing there would be a backlash for me. I decided to go for it and accept the pain that would follow. We danced close and held each other all evening. It was so romantic. But I knew in my heart it would never go anywhere because he’s not ready and playing the field. I know that he “dates” other women, whatever his idea of a date is. I don’t even know if it involves sex. He and I have never even kissed.
I don’t need advice. I know at this point what I need to do *walk away*. I’m just having a hard time. I’m holding on. I am aware of what I am doing. I know the sacrifice I will have to make (salsa dancing) to give him up. I’m not (yet) willing to make it. I’m seeing if there is another way, a way I can change my mind and my heart to regard him more like a brother than a romantic interest. I know if I just walk away from the whole scene, I can move on. But I want to know if I’m strong enough to have my cake and eat it too.
Stargazer…with him, without him or even the club scene where you go to dance you will always be a salsa dancer!!!! It becomes a part of who you are!!!! when you are a 100 years old and the music starts your toes will tap. Its yours to keep and enjoy. We are so fortunate that we have a gift that truly is all about US!( I’m a dancer too…)
I used to love to dance at home for exercise. Now, it seems to cause me problems as I have gotten older, and it affects my TMJ problems if I move around too much. Dancing is second to swimming for true blissful exercise.
Stargazer: Either you will or you won’t. I feel like that is what it comes down to. I think I shared with you that I had one of those in my life through an intense situation where we ended up thrown together under unusual circumstances. I called him “the yo-yo-er.” I was his yo=yo for a long time while he was always in angst or withdrawing. It was exhausting. I finally asked him point blank if he was falling in love with me or if he was just talking. It took an older male friend to tell me to “just ask” and quit letting him string me along. This was after a year and a half of nonsense, two dates, lots of kissing on those dates, and a lot of him saying “we.” We could go here. We could visit that. Yeah, right. Then, no contact from him. Then, when I finally asked him, he told me he was having sex with others and that is all he wanted. So, I don’t know if he was a sociopath for sure. He was risking his career by toying with me and going for sex probably would have cost him his career if he had chosen the sociopath route with me. I had my answer. It hurt. I had spent many long phone calls, we had both broken up with people we had outgrown long before we met each other and too lazy to get rid of them, longing looks, all of it. But, I also felt free when I finally asked him if he felt he could be in a long term, love relationship with me. The answer was no and then I was very happy I had chosen not to have sex with him until he stopped his games. I doubt he ever stopped his games. He ended up committing suicide last year. I don’t know if that is a sociopath qualifier, but one might say, that I certainly “dodged a bullet” by asking him what he was doing with his yo-yo stuff and what his true feelings were. We knew each other extremely well because of what we had gone through.
On the other hand, if you decide to act on the chemistry, you will just have to be prepared that he may drop you like a hot potato once he gets what he hasn’t gotten yet. Chemistry is cool…especially if you’re young. But, if what you want is long term, it sounds like he does play games and you (and many others) know it, so you would just have to follow that chemistry with the knowledge that that might be all it is…which is cool if that is all you want.
The tone of your posts has changed about him, so I am glad that you seem more confident now in knowing that the choices and risks are yours to make and take. When is your salsa cruise?
Thanks for posting an article that clearly explains why I still felt love for a man that mistreated me, deceived me, betrayed me and then cruelly discarded me. WOw, what a nice man, Huh? It takes the heart alot longer to catch up to what the mind understands. 10 months and counting in my case. (yes, there are still faint glimmers of remembering him) NC really does clear the heart and soul of the longing for them, if I had only really understood what he was, NC would have started the day I left him. Hindsight, oh well.
Bluemosaic
Hi bluemosiac:
You have really handled the spath. I hope you will give yourself credit and self esteem points for that.
Thanks, guys. Cruise is in November, so I have a long time to think about what I want to do, to get past it. I have been craving him today. I’d done everything but all out seduce him. Maybe that’s what it will come down to. These addictions are so compelling. I am supposed to see him in an hour in class if he goes. And I will be radiating all kinds of desire tonight, which is not usually the case but it’s what I feel. Ugh. It’s so complicated being human. Sometimes I just wish I could be a cat.
Fight, your story sounds intense and sad. I have never been sexual with this guy. We have never even kissed. And yet our friendship is very romantic. I don’t know to what extent he fights any urges with me. I get totally mixed messages on that front. Sometimes he flirts. Sometimes he runs away.
Imara, I didn’t learn salsa till I was 51. So if I don’t practice it, I may lose it, just like my Spanish speaking (that I learned at 50) is slipping away.
P.S. Fight, about the guy you dated who committed suicide….I’m one who is not quick to label people as sociopaths unless they show the classic signs. Some people are just troubled and unconscious.
Hi Stargazer:
I agree. He was a troubled addict in long term recovery who was abused as child. What we went through was very sad and unusual. I can’t say he was sociopath. I can only say he played games and had problems and I am glad I asked him instead of trying to read mixed signals and words that were not so honest in the long run. I think about him a lot.
I think your being a part of this site will help you accept your own choices as yours and help you to get away at any time if you find out you are with a person who is unhealthy for you for whatever reasons. You can take care of yourself. Hopefully, you will be informed here and not judged. One of the saddest things people here share is all of the shame, PTSD, illnesses, embarrassment we feel when things didn’t go right. If a person is not honest about exclusivity (if that is what we want) or any other part of a partnership/relationship together, THEY are the ones who should feel bad afterwards….but if they do end up being a true sociopath, or having many spath traits, they don’t feel deeply as we do. Only you can observe, reflect, and decide if it is worth a risk. Maybe you can decide beforehand that even if it ends badly, you have a plan B. Possibly no more salsa or going to another class in the next city over. Possible grief when nothing materializes, etc. I think you will work through what will be best for you.
Dear fight, I’m very sorry for what you went through with the guy. He does sound very troubled, and suicide always leaves in its wake immense suffering for all involved. Thanks, too, for your support. I’ve been an on-again off-again member of this site for about 5 years now. The sociopath I dated was in 2008. It only lasted for 3 months, but it was eye-opening, and at the time, this site saved my life. I come on here occasionally to read the articles and share pieces of my story, and hopefully help others when I can. I have not had any sociopaths in my life for 5 years though, so I don’t always have too much to say.
Sorry, I missed all the responses to my earlier post. I was not trying to ignore anyone….
I had a very empowering evening tonight. I wanted to share with all of you. I went to class. J was there. It was only me, him, another female classmate, and the teacher (the one I take private lessons with). For whatever reason – and I don’t know what it was – I was very centered and grounded and precisely at the center of my being tonight. I had a cute outfit on that I felt good in and had found some high heels that were actually comfortable for dancing. This is a big deal for me because I can’t dance in most dance shoes. I was beaming fun, joy, and confidence tonight. I spent most of my time and energy dancing with the teacher. But J hovered at the end of class. I knew he wanted to dance with me. So we took a drive 45 minutes away to a town that has a great salsa dance night. We stopped at my old friends’ house where I had visited the other night, and I introduced my friend to J. Then J and I drove in his car to the club. We only got to dance 3 dances before the placed closed at 10:30. Then we continued to practice and got to pick the brain of one of the well-known salsa teachers who runs the place. We ended up having a good time, but I was not feeling any desire for him, and it was not romantic. My energy was pulled back into my own space. Even though he was complimenting me, I did not read anything into it or try to seduce him. I get like this sometimes, where I just regard him as a friend and nothing more. I was actually enjoying his company and asking myself if HE was someone who would ever hold MY interestlongterm, and what did he have to offer ME? I thought this instead of the feeling of rejection and craving I usually feel. It was wonderful and VERY welcome. I hope I can just stay grounded like this! He invited me to a salsa social on Saturday night, which I will probably go to if I’m still feeling centered and dancing well like I was tonight.
So now to respond to therose’s post………Dear therose: I am coming to realize that distancing yourself from someone is often a state of mind and doesn’t need to be about physical distance. When you get grounded and centered, you can pull your energy back from the person and keep it there. Big learning for me tonight – that I can have my cake and eat it too. I can still dance with J and even be his friend without being all gaga over him. We’ll see how this all unfolds……….He was at least gentlemanly enough not to mention other women or anyone he’s dating. I think he still considers me as an “option”, as I do with him. So I followed suit and didn’t talk about my favorite dance partners, crushes, or guys I’m dating.
Thanks again for the support, everyone.
Stargazer! This is fantastic. So happy to hear that you decided to think in terms of whether this person would be “right” for you without a physical attraction instead of only being able to notice the strong physical attraction. Very hopeful. He may be a nice friend or more. I applaud you for taking your time, observing his behavior, and thinking about your needs at this time.
I also agree with your suggestion about distancing even when the person is around. This is a long standing concept in Al-Anon, a 12 step group for people who love/are addicted to addictive people. They have a concept called detachment and it can work very well in many ways. It takes a lot of practice and determination and, in my opinion, is a good way to survive if one decides to stay in contact with any troubled/troubling person.
Sounds like a fun evening getting to know someone and even meeting new people you might decide you like better. Good for you!
Thank you to all of you who take time to respond to the few comments I am able to make. I read your stories and feel a friendship with you all. I feel safe in this forum to express what others I try to confide in are tired of hearing or don’t believe. NEVER has any relationship unglued me like this. Sometimes when I see him, I think if I can just punch him in the face I would feel so much better. But instead I try to live by the belief that living a happy life is the best revenge. When does this craziness in my head stop though? When does one start to trust that not everyone new is like him? I know the signs but also know how well they cover them up. I also love to dance and would love to meet my perfect partner.
therose, I’ve reached the conclusion that the best way forward after my experience is to firstly, never be complacent and think I can’t be fooled again , the best way of reducing that possibility is to know the red flags and move on swiftly and decisively when they appear, and secondly to remind myself regularly that in fact, the great majority of people don’t have a cluster b personality disorder ( anti social/ sociopath, borderline and narcissistic). It just helps me, to balance out my reading on these disorders which helps me understand why I ended up in an abusive relationship with a dangerous man I am still being harassed by 7 months after I ended it. to remind myself most people are well intentioned and do not deliberately go about trying to hurt others.
Good luck as you take those steps forward in your recovery.
Recovery is a good word. Thank you for your encouragement.My mother, 84 years young, always says that I’m “too nice, too trusting”. It’s me. I don’t want to lose that part of myself because of him but I don’t want to be “fooled” again. My children tell me that their proud of me for my strength but they don’t really know the many times, when I’m alone, that I cry and my heart aches. Recovery is a good word. I’m working on it. Blessings to all who come here to seek recovery.
therose: It isn’t you. There is nothing wrong with being a trusting person. As you continue to educate yourself, you will now be trusting unless you see a Red Flag. Even if a part of you continues to feel the heart ache, you are still a fine human being. I can’t erase the sociopath(s) from my mind. If I did, I would not have learned what I need to know to recognize one at any time and know that there is a large group of people here on Lovefraud to confide in and share my worries about anyone new. The articles, Donna, and the members here will help me if I am wondering if something is a red flag or not. Know you are not really alone. You have us.
Honestly, I don’t know what came over me that I felt grounded and centered going to class last night. It has been a long time since I’ve felt that way. When I do, things always go well in salsa. I took a series of meditation classes recently to learn how to ground myself and keep people out of my space. But I’ve had such excessive anxiety with the love addiction that I even had a tough time practicing the techniques. I don’t know why the anxiety lifted last night. I was craving the man all day, but by the time I got to class I was just in a good space. I am trying to analyze what happened, what I was thinking or doing, what my mindset was to get me there, so I can break the addiction once and for all. I’m still feeling good this morning, but I’m afraid I will backslide. The test of my being grounded is when I can dance and spin effortlessly in high heels. I can’t do this when I’m ungrounded, which has been about 90% of the time in the last several weeks. OMG, I was out at the salsa venue on Wednesday night. I was feeling anxious and low self-esteem that night. I was not in the mood for dancing and couldn’t find anything to wear. I just wasn’t feeling comfortable in my skin that night. I just should not have gone out. But I went anyway. I didn’t see J. But I did see one of his regular dance partners. She is a somewhat heavy set lady that I normally don’t feel threatened by too much. But that night she had this amazing sexy little black dress on that was really eye popping. I immediately got thrown off balance imagining J seeing her and being all over her. It was incredibly painful. These are the states I go into when I’m not grounded. So it’s my challenge to just stay grounded. At least until the salsa cruise in November. The best thing is that when I’m grounded the cravings for him go away. He even made an unavoidable innuendo last night. Normally, I would get all hot and bothered by it, but I just ignored it. He always compares dancing with me to driving a maserati. Last night, he didn’t quite know how to explain it to me where it would sound right. I told him to just say it. So he said, “I just like to drive you.” (LOL) He meant it as a compliment to my dancing abilities. But normally he’d say something like that and I’d get all turned on and flirt with him. Last night I just smiled and said “thank you.” I didn’t even get the least bit flirty. I wasn’t feeling it. WHY CAN’T I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS?? That’s the hope.
I’m also moving a lot of my dancing up to the neighboring town 45 minutes away so I’m not so dependent on J for all the best dances. There are other good dancers up there and some great teachers. He’s not the best dancer on the floor. It’s just his energy and the connection we have that makes us so great.