According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain’s reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.
Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can’t get what you want.
So what happens when you fall in love with a sociopath? Why is it so difficult to emotionally disengage from a sociopath, even when you have discovered what they really are? I’ve spoken to many people who know, on an intellectual level, that they are involved with an exploiter. They absolutely understand that they must end the involvement. But they can’t.
The following letter from a Lovefraud reader is a case in point. We’ll call her “TammyLynn.” The other names have been changed as well. I will comment on her case, and why it’s so hard to break away from a sociopath, after her letter.
TammyLynn’s letter
I’ve just turned 41. I was married in 1996 and separated from my husband, David, in January 2009. All during this time, my best friend was male (I’m female). Jeremy and I became close, and when I separated from my husband, I pretty much went straight to him.
Jeremy was everything to me. The PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws ”¦ I trusted him 100%. I told him my secrets, relied on him. We both worked in law enforcement, so I really thought he had the same values.
Fast forward to March 2012. He got arrested for embezzlement from our own agency. (I had been off work for two years at the time for an injury.) We were broke, or so I thought.
After the arrest and a lot of questions on my part, I finally discovered Jeremy had been cheating on me. He denied it until I showed him printed proof at the jail. Yes, I still went to see him.
Jeremy owes me over $27,000. He insists he will pay, but his money is locked up in his divorce. (This part is true because I got power of attorney and was able to view all finances and that’s how I found the other girls.) He’s now in prison and considered a “con” by the media.
Money is an excuse
I need the money”¦ I also know it is an excuse, because once I get the money, I keep telling myself I will cut ties, but I miss what I thought we had. My brain is smart, I’m educated, but my heart is totally stupid and broken.
I love David, my husband, but we don’t have the same relationship. With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things ”¦ etc. Although I love my husband and he is stable, I miss the relationship with the sociopath. I’m humiliated, angry, my kids were also devastated, sooo incredibly sad.
EVERYONE is telling me to run. But even David, my husband, and family, tell me to “con the con” to try to get some of the money back. I’m just not good at it everyday some days I feel like I can con him, others not so much.
Jeremy believes that we will get back together after prison, even though I have told him we won’t, that I do not trust him (God I wish I could). I know I am attractive to the opposite sex, funny with a kindhearted personality. Kids, old people and dogs are my favorite things in life ”¦ I feel pathetic and stupid.
Why can’t I convince myself?
Why can’t I just convince myself what my brain knows???? I don’t get it. And why does he seem to think it should all be understandable because of his own “mental breakdown that caused him to do horrible things.” His words, not mine.
My experience w the sociopath was so entirely different from what my reading, investigating and what I’m hearing. It’s like reading about a totally different person. I’m having a tough time making a clear parallel to the same guy. The guy I loved is NOT what I’ve now been exposed to. It does not seem real. My heart is not recognizing this. My brain says no way, never again. So sad.
I don’t care if you post this, if I could read responses, or if you will take the time to tell me not to be a dummy. I just need other people to help me with my backbone lately. He will be out in a few months, I know I will not be with him, I’m just asking for help with my thinking ”¦ he’s messed me up big time.
Donna’s comments love with a sociopath
First of all, I think it’s fair to say that Jeremy is a sociopath. He swooped in when TammyLynn was vulnerable. He pulled her into a relationship that was both personal and business and then embezzled from the business. The fact that Jeremy is now a recognized con artist and in prison is telling.
But notice how TammyLynn described Jeremy he was “the PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws.” This is the impression that Jeremy wanted to create for her.
Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. They figure out what you are looking for, turn themselves into that person, and then declare that the two of you are soul mates, destined to be together.
Notice what else TammyLynn said about this man “With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things, etc.” Jeremy undoubtedly engaged in love bombing overwhelming attention and affection. This level of adoration is exhilarating, and most likely intensified TammyLynn’s feelings of love. The normal, stable love of her husband just couldn’t measure up.
Sociopaths are different
I don’t know of any fMRI brain studies about sociopaths and love, but researchers at the recent SSSP conference that I attended did present information about how sociopaths’ brains are different. Maybe some of the deep brain mechanisms that Dr. Fisher described do not operate the same way in sociopaths. I do know that sociopaths do not form bonds the way the rest of us do.
Although sociopaths are great at convincing us that they love us, it is all deceit and manipulation. They are not capable of complete love, love that involves truly caring about the welfare of another person. Sociopathic love is fake love.
Because they don’t bond, sociopaths are capable of unceremoniously dumping us when they’re bored, or when a juicier target comes along. We, however, can become obsessed with regaining what we thought we had, even though it was a mirage.
By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site. I’ve heard from people who say they’ve met sociopaths on Chemistry.com along with Match.com, Pleny of Fish, and every other dating website.
Advice for TammyLynn
TammyLynn knows that Jeremy is a con artist, but she is still feeling the pull of romantic love. This is because of the changes her love for Jeremy, which is real, have made in her brain.
The solution is to realize that leaving Jeremy requires breaking an addiction.
TammyLynn must have No Contact with Jeremy. She must stop all communication with Jeremy luckily, he’s in prison, so that should help. Then, like anyone kicking a drug or alcohol problem, she needs to take it one day at a time. Promise herself she will not contact him today. Then make the same promise tomorrow. And the same promise the next day. The longer she stays away, the more his grip on her will dissipate.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not going to be strong enough to “con the con.” If she tries to deal with Jeremy directly, she will be drawn back into his web. He’ll use the pity play on her, telling his tale of woe about his “mental breakdown.” I am certain Jeremy knew exactly what he was doing, and is expressing remorse only because he got caught.
Even if TammyLynn retains an attorney, just having to think about a legal case will keep Jeremy, as Dr. Fisher says, camping in her head.
I’m all for holding sociopaths accountable. But in this case, it’s more important for TammyLynn to rebuild her life. She may have to take her lumps and walk away from the $27,000.
Oh and one of the best parts of the evening is that when J took a break after we’d danced a few times, a slow dance came on. The latin slow dance is called a bachata. J didn’t want to dance the bachata with me. He wanted to sit the dance out and rest. Normally, I’d take this as a rejection. Instead, I just wanted to dance, so I stayed out on the floor and started dancing bachata by myself. Within SECONDS, an attractive man who is a very good dancer swooped me up and finished the dance with me. I really enjoyed it. Afterward, I didn’t even have a second to look for J because a really really attractive man asked me for the next dance, which was a salsa. It was a lot of fun. So J saw me having fun and not caring whether I danced with him or not. I just wanted to dance. This was very good for the power dynamic between us.
Stargazer, I am so glad you chose the opportunity to dance, dance, dance! You made it clear that you wanted to dance and you got to meet some new dance partners. I hope J will soon let you know if he is “just not that into you” or if he is the real deal and looking for a solid, emotional, long term relationship.
Fight, thanks for the moral support. I think the ship with J has pretty much sailed. He has had a YEAR to make a move on me. We have not so much as even kissed. It is likely just to be more of the same. So I am just moving on with my life. If he ever gets the wild hair he wants me, he will have to step up to the plate. I may or may not be available at that time. If he acted a little more interested, I would have loved to invite him to spend a few hours at the pool with me this weekend. He lives right down the street. But often when I reach out, he runs away. I need to break my addiction to him.
I think he was also baiting me last night. He gave notice on his apartment down the street from me and was planning to move closer to his job. Last night he was telling me he’s now undecided. I felt he wanted me to say “Don’t go” but I didn’t say that. I held back. I also mentioned that I was considering moving in with my old friend that we visited. I told him it was because I get lonely living alone and like to have someone to cook for and talk to sometimes, which is true. He then commented how much he enjoyed the meal I made for him before the concert a few weeks ago. I think he was fishing for a dinner invitation. It was not forthcoming, however. I’m done chasing after this man. He is a MAN. He is in his 50’s. He can step up to the plate or just leave me alone. I have better things to do.
Stargazer, I feel good about those choices you have made! My spath NEVER left an apartment unless he was behind on the rent. LOL. The first time he moved to my rental, he left owing the last place rent. He pays his rent now and is far ahead on it, so if he leaves w/o notice, he leaves without being behind.
I am so glad to see that your evening last night has added facets to your self esteem and taking on your own choices. Empowerment for you!
Therose: I was reading in psychology today magazine the one of the traits of happy people is that they overlook a lot of things and therefore, can be easily deceived because they are open and trusting. I choose to be this way myself. However, that does not preclude me running like the wind if someone crosses a line with me. I do set boundaries and I do not allow people to step over them. You WILL trust again, and you WILL find your way. For me, the key to recovery is finding myself, honoring myself and my feelings, and doing my best to stay centered. When you are grounded and centered, a strong wind can come by but it can’t blow you over. We did grounding exercises in our meditation class. We did a “before” and “after” grounding exercise where we stood in front of a classmate. She was able to push us over before the exercise but not afterward. When you are traumatized and grieving, and in the clutches of addiction, it’s hard to find your center and your balance. Sometimes it means just surrendering to the pain and grief and letting yourself curl up in bed and cry. There is a way to just loosen up the knots inside your body, relax and breathe into them, and let them unwind. Sometimes it means breathing and praying and actively releasing negative energy being held in your body. Sometimes you need to hit pillows and scream. The good part is that you innately have to ability to know what you need to do and then to do it. You don’t even need anyone to tell you what or how to recover. Just check inside and ask yourself what you really need in this moment. If you are finding help here, know that it is because you trusted yourself enough to check in here for support. It is a kind thing you are doing for yourself and another stepping stone in your recovery. (I believe when we ask, the universe gives us what we need.)
The main thing I have to communicate to you after 5 spath-free years is that there are really decent kind people out there, and some of them are men. You can find them and attract them. But first you have to be “right” for yourself. This takes a little effort, but all of you can get there.
Fight: Now that I have (finally) found my center with J, and am manifesting this very goddess-like energy around him rather effortlessly, would you believe he’s coming around? He called me tonight, and we talked about going to a natural spring pool tomorrow in the town where we were dancing last night. He also opened up a lot to me about his indecisiveness about moving. I listened and was his friend, but I didn’t put out any “desire” vibes. This is exactly what he wants and needs, and it feels good for me too. I do believe I could have this man. Time will tell. And I don’t know, once I get him, if I will want him after all this. So I’m still putting up boundaries and keeping all my options open. Checking it out very cautiously, as I think he is doing. Even if he comes around, it could take a long time, and I’m just not that patient a person. 🙂 I do really like him a lot and feel he is very special. Whether he will be my special man…….well, only time will tell. I just need to keep living my life and being centered, having fun, and manifesting my strength and true feminine energy. I will eventually attract the man who is right for me if he is out there. If not, I’ll have fun trying! I’m not going to chase anyone. But neither will I deny myself his company out of fear or game playing. If I want to do something with him, I’ll just ask him instead of playing the waiting game. It’s a fine line I’m walking. So far, so good.
Stargazer: Very kind advice and very interesting developments. I am looking forward to this continuing story….
Very strange. After a year of obsessing, my addiction to him just broke. I don’t understand it. But I’m not craving him anymore. And ironically, now that I’m not craving him, he seems to be coming closer. I finally let go of the cookie so I could take my hand out of the cookie jar. I am letting him go, but just being assertive about what I want. It’s really made me think about the whole addictive process. It is so very painful. There is so much fear and desperation in addiction. I almost kind of miss it – that longing and fantasizing about when we’re finally together. None of it was real. The real relationship is the one we are actually having – where he called me to talk about his indecisiveness about moving, the possible outing tomorrow, and the date of the next salsa social. And the dancing last night. That’s reality. The rest was fantasy.
I wish I knew the magic formula I used for breaking the addiction. Maybe I’d just gone through so much pain that I just naturally detached after a certain period. Makes me think that time really does heal. If you wait out an addiction long enough, it WILL pass. And what a relief. I feel so much better. I keep waiting for it to come back. But I don’t think it will. I feel I’ve really moved on. I’m not craving any man or even needing a man at all. Very very strange……..to be continued…..
You have put a lot of thought into this situation. You got input from people here and I think that your choice to take your time and think about it has been key. I think if he is attentive as a friend in a good, even keeled manner, you will know if you are meant to be more than friends. You’ve worked very hard at determining what you wanted to do about this situation and I think your “centering” is the payoff for that hard work. Now, if you feel off kilter in some way involving him, you have the tools and support system to get back to your center. And you are right. You ARE doing it. This is life. A slow, respectful buildup for a relationship is always better than have a few months of the “over-the-top” behaviors or words. See if he is a steady person.
I woke up this morning just feeling the need to spend some time alone today, so I think I won’t hang out with J today. Meantime, there are a few other attractive guys showing interest, so I will talk to them. This feels healthy and the way dating SHOULD be for a woman – where you have a many options and you take your time with the man smorgasbord. I still miss the old addiction and all the cravings. There was something very romantic about it. I felt like the heroine in Wuthering Heights. It’s just so strange……I used to think there were no men available for someone my age. Now they just seem to be everywhere.
Stargazer – Your experience is so interesting. It sounds like you released the energy of “wanting what you don’t have.” As long as you hold that energy, you will continue to “not have.” Perhaps you just changed your mind, which changed your energy.
I’ve found that the answer to finding a partner is always within us. That’s why the centering work that you are doing is so important.
Let us know what happens (if you want to)!
Stargazer and Shocked:
It is very interesting! I am very excited for you Stargazer. I am a shy person and where I live, the women chase the men hard. I just can’t/won’t do that. Most of the women I have known who chased their husbands end up with husbands who are just as lazy about courting THEM as they were before they got married. Accepting life and love the way they really are can be life changing. Wuthering Heights is wonderful fiction and makes the heart flutter, but she died. You want to LIVE.
I ended up going by myself today. I needed the time to myself and was feeling off center this morning. I had a good day. I would have canceled him had he called. But he didn’t call. I told him only to call if he wanted to go. Apparently he didn’t or had other plans. I’m still in a good space. I was feeling so much today. First a lot of nostalgia for the town I visited today, as I lived there 20+ years ago. I also have been really “feeling” what it would be like to have a truly loving man in my life. I imagined all the things he would do for me and how I would feel around him. I am also feeling a big wave of some sort of pain coming up – another part of breaking the addiction because I did have him on my mind somewhat today. I realized after I invited him that it was too much too soon with him – for both of us. I knew I wouldn’t want to go with him, and I knew he wouldn’t want to go. I knew this last night. But I’m okay with the fact that I invited him. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I did it in a friendly way that gave him an out. I will probably sing karaoke tonight with a gf if I have time. I’m supposed to see J tomorrow night at the dance club if I go. I’ll see if I’m up for it. If so, it will just be dancing as usual.
Thanks again for all the support. Hugs to all of you. I have been a hopeless romantic my entire life. Wuthering Heights was my favorite novel as a teenager, followed closely by Jane Eyre. And I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen Bridges of Madison County.
Hi Stargazer, You’re really thinking it through and I think that is great. One of Oprah’s favorite statements is: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I have tried this, but not as successful as I have wanted to be. As long as we are thinking, sharing, encouraging others, and trying to pay attention, we will be doing our best to figure out what’s what. I’m glad you got out and did something enjoyable today. But, I do understand the longing for a good one. I wish I had your ability to get out there and do things…but not now.
Fight, I had many years where I could not feel much joy in life and did not have the motivation to go out and enjoy much of anything. I have no advice for you except it gets better. I feel energy shifting in my body on a daily basis. When you can get to the point where you can be aware of energetic shifts in your body, the process speeds up a little – at least it does for me. I am opening up a lot of sexual energy right now, and it is not always balanced in how it is coming up. It’s hard to stay grounded, for instance. I am going through ups and downs trying to clear blocked emotions in other parts of my body. But I definitely feel changes happening, and they are positive, especially pertaining to men.
I don’t know your exact situation and where you are at in your healing process. I come and go on this site and don’t follow everyone’s posts all the time, but as long as I’m here, I will do my best to shine some light wherever I can. I appreciate your support. This is a great place to come and blog about our healing process and talk about our feelings.
Funny, my sister brought up the same Oprah quote to me when I was telling her about J. You are 100% correct. He has told me who he is. And I do believe him. AND I also believe that there are other men out there who can be better for me than he is. That is a totally new one for me, probably in the last few days. Easy to let go when you know that things are perfect as they are and there is abundance out there in the universe. I don’t have to cling to him as my last bastion of hope.
Thank you, Stargazer. I have had a very rough time over the last couple of days and I appreciate your encouragement. I guess everybody listens to Oprah! Maybe I need to pull out one of her books I have. I’m very, very down tonight.
Hi Stargazer,
I feel that my addictions to unsafe people are not just limited to love relationships. I think I may have an emotionally unsafe addiction to other types of relationships that are unsafe and abusive as well.
Wow, I really screwed up my reply to your post, fight. First I posted on the wrong thread. Then I posted the wrong link. I wanted to post something that should make you laugh. I often watch silly youtube videos and have them going through my head at any given time. It sometimes helps when I’m feeling bad. Anyway, I’m sure it will offend someone, but my sense of humor is pretty irreverent.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7UgAprdpM
Hi Stargazer: That video did make me smile because my little nieces have the whole thing memorized and the went through they whole thing for me like it was a show. In one of my grad courses, we had a great discussion about self-esteem. The Professor shared that African-American women have the highest self esteem. I have always seen that and I really admire it. I would like to become someone who says what I need to say to protect myself and just have the self esteem to know it. This woman has been through a fire, she’s disabled, and she is just telling it like it is. That would be so great!
Donna said, “By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site.”
Good point esp since as she also stated, folks have met sociopaths on other dating sites. One would certainly hope *all* sites screen for possible toxic or abusive behaviors.
Dr Fisher’s explanation of romantic love is depressing in that it seems so strong and unyielding all tied up w/rewards and chemistry over which some of us don’t have much control. I say “some” because I know many people who recover quite quickly from being dumped or the end of a relationship, good or bad, long or short. As long as I can remember, I’d angst for months, even a year over a guy. Always seemed to put them above me, idolize them, then feel insecure instead of happy. Also, always wanted more than they could offer. Could never figure out if I was choosing men incapable of intimacy or I was just too needy. Both maybe.
My experience w/Godzilla the sociopath began at a new job (he hired me, surprise) in early 2011 and ended w/his getting fired around Halloween the same year. Nothing ever happened between us of a physical nature but emotionally I was as involved as if I had become his lover. Everything Dr Fisher, TammyLynn and Donna express happened to me in my head. It is unbelieveable how I just caved right in. Even at my age, and knowing how attached I can become at such a deep level, I walked right into the fire. I became completely smitten and didn’t even realize it. I thought I was in control. I accepted his sporadic, on and off, inconsistent, insane behavior, incredibly supportive and flirtatious one day, absent in all ways the next. I chalked it all up to job and home stress. He was the big guy in the office and I was a nothing. Oh MY GOD!
It has taken me this long to disengage from this delusion. There was no “him,” in my life at all. The fact that I had been abused, setup, undermined, hurt and demeaned at my previous Fortune 500 corporate dump for almost 10 yrs during a hugely devoted and successful 20 year career, left me very open to Godzilla’s brutal and abusive mind games. I walked from one disaster setup to another (my company was trying to get rid of older employees in the sickest, most corrupt and manipulative ways).
From one nightmare to the next, I walked into the “serene” world of Godzilla where there was support for me and my talents, my future at the company, “in (his) eyes I could do no wrong.” I often wondered after a comment like that, “How does he know enough about me to say that?” or “How can he use words like always and never when he hardly knows me?” I suppose he wanted to get laid and he was trying to get it done by appealing to my neediness. I attached enormous meaning to his words while in his mind, he probably forgot about it within seconds. So glad I did not get physical w/him.
At any rate, it has taken a very long time to release him from my mind, partly because of the chemistry described by Dr Fisher and Donna, but also because he was my “go-to.” I’m a born worrier and have issues w/anxiety, so having him to go to in my head was like an oasis in the desert. Problem was, I was getting buried in the mirage and real life became secondary.
Now that I am walking out of the fog and have a new job which keeps me busy, it’s better, but I do feel as if I’ve lost a friend. I can’t go to that place in my head anymore because none of it matters. I would never want him in my life and he doesn’t want to be in it (never contacted me after he left but for a few phone calls I was too crazed to answer). There is no fantasy anymore. There is nothing to figure out.
I feel so so badly for all who have actually been married to or had a relationship with these very very brutally sick and toxic creatures. I have no idea what the f they want besides controlling sex and/or money but it doesn’t matter. I’m convinced Godzilla was trying to punish older women in his life that were driving him crazy, using me as a conduit. I detest whatever he is, some mutation of a demon or other.
My heart goes to all who have been through this enormous brain/emotional trip to hell and wish you strength and self-love and respect enough to see the truth and walk into it. It can be confusing to lose the confusion!! It hurts to sort out the dissonance. But to live your life, it has to be done.
Heaps of love, understanding and compassion to you. I’ve gone on too long once again, but would still like to comment on some of your posts later. Hope this is helpful to some who are recovering or trying to make sense of this messy and convoluted experience. My heart goes out to you big time and then some.
stillreeling: Thank you. You have definitely helped me today more than I can even explain. I have a spath in my life now and they are brutal, emotional vampires. I truly appreciated your statement that some people get through trauma quickly while others don’t. I think that spaths do target those of us whom are the type that take longer to work through what they do to us. I know I am. My brain is completely changed physiologically. It is a day by day battle to keep myself centered (as Stargazer says) as well as I possibly can that day.
I have also always had anxiety issues, so when a spath, or a group of spaths, has attacked me, it seems like I just get knocked down a little more each time. I am getting older and I just hope I can keep trying to get back up. Thanks, again.
Hi Still Reeling: Do you think that people can be addicted to unsafe people in non love relationships? I feel that is happening to me. Emotional abuse in an unsafe setting.