According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain’s reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.
Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can’t get what you want.
So what happens when you fall in love with a sociopath? Why is it so difficult to emotionally disengage from a sociopath, even when you have discovered what they really are? I’ve spoken to many people who know, on an intellectual level, that they are involved with an exploiter. They absolutely understand that they must end the involvement. But they can’t.
The following letter from a Lovefraud reader is a case in point. We’ll call her “TammyLynn.” The other names have been changed as well. I will comment on her case, and why it’s so hard to break away from a sociopath, after her letter.
TammyLynn’s letter
I’ve just turned 41. I was married in 1996 and separated from my husband, David, in January 2009. All during this time, my best friend was male (I’m female). Jeremy and I became close, and when I separated from my husband, I pretty much went straight to him.
Jeremy was everything to me. The PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws ”¦ I trusted him 100%. I told him my secrets, relied on him. We both worked in law enforcement, so I really thought he had the same values.
Fast forward to March 2012. He got arrested for embezzlement from our own agency. (I had been off work for two years at the time for an injury.) We were broke, or so I thought.
After the arrest and a lot of questions on my part, I finally discovered Jeremy had been cheating on me. He denied it until I showed him printed proof at the jail. Yes, I still went to see him.
Jeremy owes me over $27,000. He insists he will pay, but his money is locked up in his divorce. (This part is true because I got power of attorney and was able to view all finances and that’s how I found the other girls.) He’s now in prison and considered a “con” by the media.
Money is an excuse
I need the money”¦ I also know it is an excuse, because once I get the money, I keep telling myself I will cut ties, but I miss what I thought we had. My brain is smart, I’m educated, but my heart is totally stupid and broken.
I love David, my husband, but we don’t have the same relationship. With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things ”¦ etc. Although I love my husband and he is stable, I miss the relationship with the sociopath. I’m humiliated, angry, my kids were also devastated, sooo incredibly sad.
EVERYONE is telling me to run. But even David, my husband, and family, tell me to “con the con” to try to get some of the money back. I’m just not good at it everyday some days I feel like I can con him, others not so much.
Jeremy believes that we will get back together after prison, even though I have told him we won’t, that I do not trust him (God I wish I could). I know I am attractive to the opposite sex, funny with a kindhearted personality. Kids, old people and dogs are my favorite things in life ”¦ I feel pathetic and stupid.
Why can’t I convince myself?
Why can’t I just convince myself what my brain knows???? I don’t get it. And why does he seem to think it should all be understandable because of his own “mental breakdown that caused him to do horrible things.” His words, not mine.
My experience w the sociopath was so entirely different from what my reading, investigating and what I’m hearing. It’s like reading about a totally different person. I’m having a tough time making a clear parallel to the same guy. The guy I loved is NOT what I’ve now been exposed to. It does not seem real. My heart is not recognizing this. My brain says no way, never again. So sad.
I don’t care if you post this, if I could read responses, or if you will take the time to tell me not to be a dummy. I just need other people to help me with my backbone lately. He will be out in a few months, I know I will not be with him, I’m just asking for help with my thinking ”¦ he’s messed me up big time.
Donna’s comments love with a sociopath
First of all, I think it’s fair to say that Jeremy is a sociopath. He swooped in when TammyLynn was vulnerable. He pulled her into a relationship that was both personal and business and then embezzled from the business. The fact that Jeremy is now a recognized con artist and in prison is telling.
But notice how TammyLynn described Jeremy he was “the PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws.” This is the impression that Jeremy wanted to create for her.
Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. They figure out what you are looking for, turn themselves into that person, and then declare that the two of you are soul mates, destined to be together.
Notice what else TammyLynn said about this man “With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things, etc.” Jeremy undoubtedly engaged in love bombing overwhelming attention and affection. This level of adoration is exhilarating, and most likely intensified TammyLynn’s feelings of love. The normal, stable love of her husband just couldn’t measure up.
Sociopaths are different
I don’t know of any fMRI brain studies about sociopaths and love, but researchers at the recent SSSP conference that I attended did present information about how sociopaths’ brains are different. Maybe some of the deep brain mechanisms that Dr. Fisher described do not operate the same way in sociopaths. I do know that sociopaths do not form bonds the way the rest of us do.
Although sociopaths are great at convincing us that they love us, it is all deceit and manipulation. They are not capable of complete love, love that involves truly caring about the welfare of another person. Sociopathic love is fake love.
Because they don’t bond, sociopaths are capable of unceremoniously dumping us when they’re bored, or when a juicier target comes along. We, however, can become obsessed with regaining what we thought we had, even though it was a mirage.
By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site. I’ve heard from people who say they’ve met sociopaths on Chemistry.com along with Match.com, Pleny of Fish, and every other dating website.
Advice for TammyLynn
TammyLynn knows that Jeremy is a con artist, but she is still feeling the pull of romantic love. This is because of the changes her love for Jeremy, which is real, have made in her brain.
The solution is to realize that leaving Jeremy requires breaking an addiction.
TammyLynn must have No Contact with Jeremy. She must stop all communication with Jeremy luckily, he’s in prison, so that should help. Then, like anyone kicking a drug or alcohol problem, she needs to take it one day at a time. Promise herself she will not contact him today. Then make the same promise tomorrow. And the same promise the next day. The longer she stays away, the more his grip on her will dissipate.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not going to be strong enough to “con the con.” If she tries to deal with Jeremy directly, she will be drawn back into his web. He’ll use the pity play on her, telling his tale of woe about his “mental breakdown.” I am certain Jeremy knew exactly what he was doing, and is expressing remorse only because he got caught.
Even if TammyLynn retains an attorney, just having to think about a legal case will keep Jeremy, as Dr. Fisher says, camping in her head.
I’m all for holding sociopaths accountable. But in this case, it’s more important for TammyLynn to rebuild her life. She may have to take her lumps and walk away from the $27,000.
Well, I wish I had cheerier news today, like now that I let go of the unavailable man, everything is peachy. But today, I’m once again suffering from anxiety. Same addiction I’m having trouble letting of. I got a complimentary clairvoyant reading today with the group where I just finished a set of meditation classes. The classes taught me tools for grounding and releasing old patterns. But this one is very resistant. They told me that there are past lives between me and J. They said he truly has feelings for me but he is frozen in fear and putting up a big wall. They said that if only I could let go and move on, they see me surrounded by all kinds of desirable men and even making money in the salsa world as a teacher. They see incredible things for me. They even see me having a blast on the salsa cruise, and J being jealous of all the attention I get. But the only thing is……for me to receive all this positive energy and all the blessings, I truly have to let him go. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. It’s not like I think he’s the only one for me or even the best one. I let go the other day, but the addiction has creeped back in. They asked me my worst fear if I let him go. It was the fear that I would push him into the arms of my girlfriend whom he teaches with – the one I’m sharing a cabin with on the cruise. They are both divorced and not looking. She is a little younger than me and beautiful. The thought of that makes ME immobile with fear. I am going to get a healing tomorrow from these same people. They help me clear out patterns and emotional pain, so I’m hoping to continue on the positive path I started in letting go. It’s been so painful for me. I know you all can relate to that. I do feel like there has been forward progress. I AM radiating more joy and happiness and less anxiety than I was a week ago. Outside of the reading today, I pampered myself with an hour of Zumba and a mani-pedi, which I NEVER do. It was amazing, and I look great. I am going out dancing tonight. J will be there and so will my gf. She will be dancing with him, and I will see that they have their own special relationship because they are apprentices together in a program that I opted out of (mainly because of him). I cannot control this situation. Nothing I can do. I will do my best to rise above all of this and have a great time salsa dancing.
I just want to add that these psychic people are amazing. All they knew about me was my name. But they read things about me that were right on the money. They could even read J remotely. They told me he is very drawn to my exuberant energy but also afraid of it. This is exactly true. Unfortunately, the conclusion we all came up with is that it’s not healthy for me to continue dancing with him.
Oh and I don’t need any advice – just sharing my ups and downs. Sigh.
I really need to get over this love addiction. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 🙂
Stargazer: I am glad you are here and sharing. I love to watch “Long Island Medium” and she seems to be capable of using that deeper part of her brain like the people you are talking about. I enjoy her open attitude and personality a lot.
therose, this is in reply to your post to me a page back on this thread. Just to say that yes, I’m sure you have valuable qualities which make you a cherished mother and daughter and you don’t want to lose those qualities because of your awful experiences. But trust must be earnt, we can’t afford to give it freely and indiscriminately, when there are, unfortunately , disordered people who do not merit trust and will actively abuse it. So definately, be who you are with your nearest and dearest. But make newcomers work for your trust. Not in a hardened, cynical manner but in an educated, alert, self protective and
Sensible way. All the very best to you.
Well, the situation has gone from bad to worse. Had to see J dancing with my friend L tonight at the club. They are in an elite group of salsa dancers doing an apprenticeship with probably the best teacher in the world. And she was bubbling over about their recent workshops. I was incredibly jealous. I was offered the apprenticeship but turned it down for many reasons, one of them being J. And now I get to see her getting closer and closer to him. Life is grand. We will all be on the salsa cruise in November. They have a bikini night and a “naughty schoolgirl” night. Seriously. I’m 52. I’m too old to be teasing a bunch of guys, though I do look good in a bikini. I want to go bury my head in the sand right now. J and I danced together twice tonight. I think he wanted to dance with me more, but my dance card was pretty full. I actually had a blast dancing with all the guys. I never sat down once. I am determined to get past this and let him go once and for all. I am not going to let him destroy my salsa career and my friendship with L. This is ridiculous at this point.
Tea Light and therose, I enjoy hearing other people’s take on trust. In spite of all the betrayals I’ve had, I am a pretty trusting person. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt and let a lot of little things go. An example is recently, a lady backed into my car (with me in it) while she was trying to parallel park a giant SUV. It was just a little scratch but I have a newer paint job on my car, so it does need a touch-up. She seemed genuinely honest and didn’t want to go through insurance. So we are solving it through email. I emailed her the estimate, which is rather hgh. She asked if she could pay it in two payments. I was very kind and gracious with her and trust her to send me the payments. I have every confidence she will pay. The whole thing was pretty stress-free and friendly. I like it this way. I know what it’s like to be on her side of the fence. I could have filed a police report and taken her insurance info just in case. But I trust her. 99% of the time, when I trust people like this, they turn out to be honest. The one time they didn’t was the spath back in 2008. But that’s one in all the many people I’ve met over the years. It works for me to be innately trusting but with a back up plan. (Trust Allah but tie your camel to the post). My back up plan was that if she didn’t pay up, I’d buy an $8 bottle of touch up paint and touch it up myself. It’s a 15 y.o. car so it’s not a huge deal.
I also once read on here about someone who got a flat tire but would not trust any stranger who stopped to help her. I am the queen of flat tires. I’ve had quite a few over the years. There is ALWAYS a kind stranger who stops and puts the spare on for me. I am eternally grateful to these strangers. It never occurs to me that a good samaritan who stops to help me change a tire could be a psychopath.
My take may be a little different than others here. But 5 years after the spath, I have restored my faith and trust in myself to know a good person from a bad person. I’m not saying this works for everyone, but I hope those of you with serious trust issues will find when enough time has passed you can trust in the goodness of most people.
Stargazer, just read through some of your recent posts on the thread. For what it’s worth, Rochester locked his first wife up in an attic and Heathcliff kills a puppy , is physically and psychologically violent to Catherine Linton and generally a complete arse , as I recall! We are fed these representations of abusive masculinity in school as romantic ideals, and it can be tough to put that in the reject bin and to learn that ideals of masculinity are kindness, compassion and the ability to take responsibility.
As far as the social activities on the Salsa Cruise go, I don’t doubt for a second you look wonderful in a bikini and fully dressed, and I’d suggest a ” naughty schoolgirl” night is potentially demeaning and disempowering for a woman of your own or indeed any other age.
About this man, J. I may have missed some posts but my advice would be, life is very short. If you are attracted to this man, trust him based on consistent evidence over time that he is trustworthy, you can afford as one single adult to another to get him alone and say ” I like you, I find you an attractive person, and I’d like to take things further if you are willing. If not, not a problem, I understand you may not want anything but a dance partner “. He says yes, or he says no. Neither of you are 15. Go for it. Or focus your attention elsewhere. All the best to you.
Tea light, thanks for reading my posts and for your feedback. Unfortunately, J and I are way past that point. We have already talked a few times and he is not ready for a relationship. But he “really really really really likes me” and he “likes to be around me” and my smile “makes him happy” and I am his “favorite dance partner.” His words. Lots of mixed messages. I just need to pull away. It’s extremely painful right now. I just need to go through it. And yes, the salsa cruise is starting to sound like spring break. But I’m registered. I will go and I will have a good time. With over 2000 people on the ship, I’m bound to find a few great dance partners.
J compares dancing with me to driving a maserati. Last night at the club, he asked me for “the keys (my hand)”. It’s very endearing and I will miss it. The funny thing is, I didn’t get my feelings all stirred up last night when I danced with him, even during the slow dance. This really does seem to have gone away. The chemistry is fading. But there’s something else driving the addiction and the pain. The fear and jealousy of what might happen. And the feeling that I’m missing out all this fun stuff the apprentices are doing because I opted out of the program.
Stargazer , I’m sorry the situation is painful, does seem that, frankly speaking, this man J values you as a dance partner but does not want a romantic or sexual relationship. Which of course is his right, but not terribly ethical to then interact with you in a sexualized tone. ( The reference to riding you etc). But some people are simply socially inept. It sounds like he’s a member of that tribe ( really really really really likes you?! What like a kid likes ice cream, or his new bike?!) rather than an ill intentioned sociopath. You sound very likely to continue to meet new friends through your love of dance. Park J in the Not To Be space and enjoy yourself would be my advice. You’ve had enough heartache for one lifetime if your an LFer, I’m sure. Have fun and stay safe.
Tea Light, I have already decided this. But it’s been so painful. I have days where I feel totally detached. Then waves of pain come up. I get triggered by my friend L’s stories about their apprenticeship training, their social events, and they are even having their own cruise next year. It’s one thing to walk away from a guy. It’s another thing to watch one of my best friends have all this fun with him that I can’t have (because I become too attached). I also gave up the apprenticeship over this. I wish I could have just done it. If only I could just detach from J, I could have a thriving salsa career. But my addiction is ruining me at the moment. The pain is excruciating and I feel stuck. I have a healing scheduled tonight – energy work. I’m hoping they can help with it. It seems 2 steps forward and one step backward. I was doing so well on Thursday. I felt about 99% detached. Then more pain hit. It’s not too late to do the apprenticeship I think. But I cannot even consider it until I have completely detached once and for all. Then I can join in on the fun. And no, he’s not a spath, not even remotely. You are right, he is just completely clueless and inept with women. He has been married most of his adult life and does not really know how to date or how to behave around women he doesn’t date. And salsa is so sexy anyway, it compounds the problem. I think with me, he is confused. He is very drawn to my energy but he is also afraid of me. I am different from the other women in our circle of friends. I have a lot of spiritual and emotional depth. He is very attracted to this. I know there are men out there who are attracted and also READY. But I will not find them until I can really let go. I don’t know why this is so hard. It seems like every time I detach, something happens to pull me back in.
Stargazer, Watch out for yourself EVERYWHERE including web sites. You sound like a normal, good, and courageous person. I have been pulled in and made fun of also. Remember that sociopaths can be anywhere and everywhere and they pull you in, and then BAM. Your “can-do” attitude and sharing have helped me a great deal. I wanted to make sure you know you are not alone. However, I will probably make a choice to only read the articles. Many long term members have written to me that they just read the articles and rarely comment. I now realize what they were talking about and you may also. Please keep dancing and living and don’t let ANYONE pull you in and then abuse you. They have me and I may not be commenting much longer unless it is stopped. I have been asking and it is not being stopped so I don’t have much hope for that. But, I have a lot of hope for you.
Hi Fight and thanks for the post. I’m glad you got something positive from mine. It’s always reassuring to meet a kindred soul, isn’t it? All of us who’ve experienced a path in our lives have similarities. I do believe that, but once in awhile you find a real connection that sparks some hope, recognition, makes you feel less alone.
I’m so sorry you are suffering w/a path still in your life at this time and hope it doesn’t last much longer. It’s not to your advantage. No news to you that these beings will drag you to the depths of hell while you’re thinking you’re in heaven. As I often say, “they choose well.” I believe you’re correct. Those of us who are sensitive, bruise easily and have a tough time recovering are perfect targets for paths. I’m sure they get a lot of personal pleasure out of the torture. If they even care enough to pay attention to your agony. I’m beginning to wonder about that. I think to call them sadists is almost a compliment as it implies they care about something, even if it’s only to enjoy another’s pain. I don’t think paths even care *that* much.
As far as anxiety goes, I hear you and then some. It’s tough to feel as confident as you could w/the restrictions that anxiety puts on your life. I think that’s why working is so important to me. It provides focus and purposeful direction, so not as prone to anxiety when working. Unfortunately, I think obsessive thinking kind of goes along with anxiety, and where it can make one a competent, thorough worker, it wreaks havoc on our emotional lives to not be able to let go. Another fun thing for paths.
I like very much what Tea Light says about trust on June 30, 2013 at 9:30 pm. I think it’s so important to remember that we have to be careful when we open out hearts to someone and let it all hang out. I tend to do that quite a bit because I like feeling close to people but this is one way to get into huge trouble. Paths and other unsavories jump on that like a bear to honey. Trust is a wonderful thing, but as tea says, it needs to be earned and no path in this world deserves your trust or to know your heart.
Thanks for that wonderful post, Tea.
Fight, hang in there and once again, so glad you were able to get something helpful from my post. It feels good to know you have touched/helped someone else. I sincerely do hope you find a way to separate from the path, then enter the no contact zone. It certainly is not easy, hurts and feels unfair. But this is all poured into you from a bad source, like toxic water from a beautiful spring. It looks so nice and makes you sick as a dog.
Things will get better but you have to let go. I have not read all the posts so couldn’t really tell what your situation is, whether you are married, kids, etc w/the path. Different shades of difficulty depending upon the situation you’re in and the quality and depth of emotional involvement. Once again, so sorry you are going through this. As you can see, you are in amazing company. So many smart, articulate and thoughtful people, mostly women, commenting and caring.
I’ll be checking back and I hope things get better for you.
Thinking of you, Fight, and sending all kinds of positive vibes your way!
Hi fightforwhatsright, thank you for your kind words. I can understand what a mess u r in. I got smart and changed my nickname in case I wanted to warn any others, duh, they would have known who I was. I have been trying to forgive myself and I would say that to anyone new here. They are not an average person to deal with, even if u r a strong emotional person.
Going to try and think on your situation, maybe think like the spath and what he would do to get u out. Lol
Still Standing. Thank you for your help and advice here. I think it is a good idea to recognize abuse and sociopaths truly are everywhere. I remember when I first became a whistleblower. A wiser, older co-worker said, “A fish always stinks from its head” referring to what unraveled. The CEO was the head of the bad and criminal behavior.
Still reeling! Good to see you again. Missed your insights.
Edit: I was finally able to pull up the last few posts. They were on the previous page. Fight, I’ve had a few go-arounds with some of the people here, too, over the years (no one who’s on here now). I’ve been attacked, prosthelytized, and even called a sociopath. Hopefully, it won’t happen with the current group. If it does, I just fade out. You’re right, there are some troubled people who hang out on the internet, and they can be everywhere. It’s a good reminder for me to watch out what I saw in cyberspace.
Hi Stargazer: This is very interesting as are all of your “adventures.” Please re-read again through the posts as a lot is “missing.”
Fight, I’m glad I could be incidentally supportive – I really was just sharing my experience. I’ve been very outspoken here in the past. I don’t consider it courageous to speak up on an internet forum. After all, we are all anonymous here. But thanks for saying so.