According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain’s reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.
Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can’t get what you want.
So what happens when you fall in love with a sociopath? Why is it so difficult to emotionally disengage from a sociopath, even when you have discovered what they really are? I’ve spoken to many people who know, on an intellectual level, that they are involved with an exploiter. They absolutely understand that they must end the involvement. But they can’t.
The following letter from a Lovefraud reader is a case in point. We’ll call her “TammyLynn.” The other names have been changed as well. I will comment on her case, and why it’s so hard to break away from a sociopath, after her letter.
TammyLynn’s letter
I’ve just turned 41. I was married in 1996 and separated from my husband, David, in January 2009. All during this time, my best friend was male (I’m female). Jeremy and I became close, and when I separated from my husband, I pretty much went straight to him.
Jeremy was everything to me. The PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws ”¦ I trusted him 100%. I told him my secrets, relied on him. We both worked in law enforcement, so I really thought he had the same values.
Fast forward to March 2012. He got arrested for embezzlement from our own agency. (I had been off work for two years at the time for an injury.) We were broke, or so I thought.
After the arrest and a lot of questions on my part, I finally discovered Jeremy had been cheating on me. He denied it until I showed him printed proof at the jail. Yes, I still went to see him.
Jeremy owes me over $27,000. He insists he will pay, but his money is locked up in his divorce. (This part is true because I got power of attorney and was able to view all finances and that’s how I found the other girls.) He’s now in prison and considered a “con” by the media.
Money is an excuse
I need the money”¦ I also know it is an excuse, because once I get the money, I keep telling myself I will cut ties, but I miss what I thought we had. My brain is smart, I’m educated, but my heart is totally stupid and broken.
I love David, my husband, but we don’t have the same relationship. With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things ”¦ etc. Although I love my husband and he is stable, I miss the relationship with the sociopath. I’m humiliated, angry, my kids were also devastated, sooo incredibly sad.
EVERYONE is telling me to run. But even David, my husband, and family, tell me to “con the con” to try to get some of the money back. I’m just not good at it everyday some days I feel like I can con him, others not so much.
Jeremy believes that we will get back together after prison, even though I have told him we won’t, that I do not trust him (God I wish I could). I know I am attractive to the opposite sex, funny with a kindhearted personality. Kids, old people and dogs are my favorite things in life ”¦ I feel pathetic and stupid.
Why can’t I convince myself?
Why can’t I just convince myself what my brain knows???? I don’t get it. And why does he seem to think it should all be understandable because of his own “mental breakdown that caused him to do horrible things.” His words, not mine.
My experience w the sociopath was so entirely different from what my reading, investigating and what I’m hearing. It’s like reading about a totally different person. I’m having a tough time making a clear parallel to the same guy. The guy I loved is NOT what I’ve now been exposed to. It does not seem real. My heart is not recognizing this. My brain says no way, never again. So sad.
I don’t care if you post this, if I could read responses, or if you will take the time to tell me not to be a dummy. I just need other people to help me with my backbone lately. He will be out in a few months, I know I will not be with him, I’m just asking for help with my thinking ”¦ he’s messed me up big time.
Donna’s comments love with a sociopath
First of all, I think it’s fair to say that Jeremy is a sociopath. He swooped in when TammyLynn was vulnerable. He pulled her into a relationship that was both personal and business and then embezzled from the business. The fact that Jeremy is now a recognized con artist and in prison is telling.
But notice how TammyLynn described Jeremy he was “the PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws.” This is the impression that Jeremy wanted to create for her.
Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. They figure out what you are looking for, turn themselves into that person, and then declare that the two of you are soul mates, destined to be together.
Notice what else TammyLynn said about this man “With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things, etc.” Jeremy undoubtedly engaged in love bombing overwhelming attention and affection. This level of adoration is exhilarating, and most likely intensified TammyLynn’s feelings of love. The normal, stable love of her husband just couldn’t measure up.
Sociopaths are different
I don’t know of any fMRI brain studies about sociopaths and love, but researchers at the recent SSSP conference that I attended did present information about how sociopaths’ brains are different. Maybe some of the deep brain mechanisms that Dr. Fisher described do not operate the same way in sociopaths. I do know that sociopaths do not form bonds the way the rest of us do.
Although sociopaths are great at convincing us that they love us, it is all deceit and manipulation. They are not capable of complete love, love that involves truly caring about the welfare of another person. Sociopathic love is fake love.
Because they don’t bond, sociopaths are capable of unceremoniously dumping us when they’re bored, or when a juicier target comes along. We, however, can become obsessed with regaining what we thought we had, even though it was a mirage.
By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site. I’ve heard from people who say they’ve met sociopaths on Chemistry.com along with Match.com, Pleny of Fish, and every other dating website.
Advice for TammyLynn
TammyLynn knows that Jeremy is a con artist, but she is still feeling the pull of romantic love. This is because of the changes her love for Jeremy, which is real, have made in her brain.
The solution is to realize that leaving Jeremy requires breaking an addiction.
TammyLynn must have No Contact with Jeremy. She must stop all communication with Jeremy luckily, he’s in prison, so that should help. Then, like anyone kicking a drug or alcohol problem, she needs to take it one day at a time. Promise herself she will not contact him today. Then make the same promise tomorrow. And the same promise the next day. The longer she stays away, the more his grip on her will dissipate.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not going to be strong enough to “con the con.” If she tries to deal with Jeremy directly, she will be drawn back into his web. He’ll use the pity play on her, telling his tale of woe about his “mental breakdown.” I am certain Jeremy knew exactly what he was doing, and is expressing remorse only because he got caught.
Even if TammyLynn retains an attorney, just having to think about a legal case will keep Jeremy, as Dr. Fisher says, camping in her head.
I’m all for holding sociopaths accountable. But in this case, it’s more important for TammyLynn to rebuild her life. She may have to take her lumps and walk away from the $27,000.
Tea light, thanks for you kind comment of July
Tea Light, thanks so much for your kind comment of July 1. I have gotten so much from your comments along the way.
Fight, sorry about the deletion of comments. Hope you are doing OK.
Tea,
I love music and dance;and I love jelly beans~~~the red are my favorites!
Well, here i go…i kind of think that with a spath, the loose ends never get tied up. Most women, i believe, as Dr. Phil says to the cheating husband who stonewalls the wife, “she won’t get over this until you take responsibility”. Spaths will always stonewall you. Nothing ever gets resolved, women look for answers. I am divorced from my spath and still looking for answers. Still looking for resolution. That’s how i think they keep women hooked. I can HONESTLY say, i no longer “loved” my spath after 6 months of marriage, but i was still trying to resolve it all…
Renee
Hi Stargazer and imhope:
Stargazer, As I’ve said before, I admire a quality you have to get out there and enjoy something new and active. I don’t have your courage and tenacity at this time and I truly admire it. I personally feel you don’t any explanations about your life to anyone. You have not been a sociopath or hurt anyone purposefully. Your life choices are no worse or better than anyone else’s. I was always a reticent person and did not have a lot males in my life. It’s a choice and I don’t have to explain that choice any more than you have to explain yours.
I am sorry that J is causing you to have to go through the ups and downs he has. It is sad that your friends, and fellow dancers, may have a different view point of him and I can see how you would feel let down some by them even though they get to make their choices, too. I am really proud of the fact that you continue to observe this man…his interaction with you as well as with others.
That is a great way to be as you continue to make any choices concerning him. They truly are your choices and now you are more informed about his possible unacceptable behaviors that may affect you. I have been through that up and down (what I call yo-yoing) with a person who may be a sociopath. Your knowledge and your instincts/intuition will guide you in your choices and I hope you will believe that any choice you make is allowed as your choice without judgment.
imhope: I think you make such a good point about how many “co-paths” try to work so hard at resolving it because we have made a commitment or our normal needs are met sporadically to allow flickers of hope for a resolution. Resolution is a very interesting word. I just went and looked it up to see what the formal definition is. Here it is:
1. A firm decision to do or not to do something.
2. A formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on by a legislative body, committee, or other formal meeting…
Synonyms
decision – determination – resolve – solution”
I think those of us sociopaths target have strong beliefs about resolutions and we are taken advantage of for it. Those “formal agreements” are important to US, but mean nothing to them. Realistically, there are millions of events and things in this universe that we can never resolve. But, so many people have a deep need to resolve, as well as meet, an agreed upon resolution. And many people will never offer it back to us.
The stonewalling and diverting are crazy making and abusive and there just will never be a resolution with a sociopath. I guess I can say that I have to try to make a resolution to myself not to need a resolution from a creature who could never offer one.
Patrica Evans’ book “The Verbally and Emotionally Abusive Relationship” is the best one I have ever read that truly explains these little tricks and how to give up our need for resolution and seek protection and peace for ourselves. Evans is the best in the field as far as empowering and helping to move away from the creatures and toward ourselves and making our own resolve stronger. I use any of her books I have as handbooks and even though I don’t remember her mentioning the word sociopaths a lot, she knows what she is talking about when it comes to their many behaviors that we want to resolve and usually can’t.
But, Patricia Evans also recognizes and AFFIMS that if we can’t resolve it, we are the ones who are OK. In her books, she shares minute details about even the most imperceptible abuses we endure. She is the best. However, the articles here with various authors have also helped me a great deal. Steve Becker, LCSW, has an ebook for sale on his website. I didn’t buy the book at this time. But, he has a long excerpt on his website that goes into evolutionary differences of sociopath brains and WHY they are so confusing. It could be helpful in any search for a resolution for me.
Patricia Evans’ most recent book “Victory Over Verbal” abuse has been very helpful to me lately. However, I truly recommend “The Verbally and Emotionally Abusive Relationship….” as the first book any woman (it can help men as well, but she deals mostly with female victims) should read when they discover they have been living with a lizard brain who will never want cooperation and resolution. The book is helpful even long after the relationship is over because she makes you feel GOOD for being a better person than your abuser/sociopath. She makes you feel heard and understood and she offers simple ways to recognize and handle any current verbal and emotional abuse you may be suffering now….even years after they are gone.
Thank you both for your contributions here. They are serious, explain specifically what the dynamics are in this type of “relationship” dance (pun intended Stargazer!) and your insights and deep sharing are needed by so many.
Thanks for your kind words, fight. I do often feel I need to explain myself to people here. My posts are so deeply personal (as are everyone’s) and they are easily taken out of context. So I don’t mind filling in details here and there.
So there was a salsa BBQ party on the 4th. All the people in my salsa circle were there except my gf L, who was at a family BBQ. I wasn’t feeling my best. My heart has been eclipsed lately with a lot of fear and lack of confidence. Just a lot of dark stuff. But I went and I faked it which I’m so good at. There was a lot of dancing fortunately. I love to dance, so I spent most of the time on the dance floor. When a good salsa song came on, I had a few partners to dance with. J was the main one. I had a few dances with him that left me breathless. Everyone was talking about the upcoming cruise. It was awkward and uncomfortable for me to be discussing this with J. The reason is because of the inevitability of “hooking up” that will go on there, and I doubt any of it will involve me. It’s gonna be one big spring break type party. J was excited about dancing on the beach. I was talking about skinny dipping. The whole conversation was awkward. J was beaming his beautiful smile – the smile of a man who is not the least bit lonely or needy and is likely getting all of his needs filled by whomever – he is very private. But he showed up alone to the party as he usually does with all the salsa events. And he didn’t really hang out with one particular person. I did not see him flirting with any women. Toward the end of the night, a very romantic salsa song came on. I happened to be talking to J in the kitchen. Two of our friends who are dating were there. I told them they should dance to that song because it’s so romantic. They pointed to me and J and said “you should dance to it too.” “No”, I said. “It’s too romantic.” But then J swept me up and danced me into the foyer which doubled as a dance hall. He swirled me all over the room, back into the kitchen, and back out again. We were doing 360’s if anyone knows what those are. At the end of the song, I was breathless. It’s amazing the effect he has on me when we dance. But I was careful not to go stand next to him on the balcony or act too romantic around him. I am not in the space for being that bold anyway. My heart feels like there is a metal door over it right now. All of my early childhood fear and pain has surfaced. Growing up in an abusive household, I carefully guarded my heart and constructed a false personality to hide all the fear. This personality has gotten me by so much in life. But I want to really take the walls down now. It’s very difficult and painful. J and all the people at the party were good mirrors for me. But I’m proud of how far I’ve come. There was a time, not long ago, that I would be terrified to go to a party like that.
On a side note, the woman’s house was like a modern castle. It had 7,000 square feet, and the huge deck had panoramic views of Denver and the Rocky Mountains. We could see fireworks shows from all the neighboring cities miles away. She barbecued some incredible food. We ate well and drank margaritas. Then it was water the rest of the night for dancing. There is a video of a bunch of us dancing to Gangnam style. I’m afraid to see it. lol
J was not the only guy I danced with. There was another young guy, D, who kept asking me. He is a great dancer. I had danced with him a few times at the club. He and his dance troupe partner were there, and they are both really good. Though she looks to be twice his age, he was very physically affectionate with her, as if they’re dating. I immediately thought of how dangerous it is to dance so much with one partner, as in a dance troupe. J was once in a dance troupe but his partner dropped out. I often wondered whether they hooked up. Apparently, it’s very common in dance troupes.
There are two guys (at least) at the clubs who are romantically interested in me. But neither of them get my attention. So I have a lot of opportunities. I just don’t “hook up” like that. I always go home alone.
Anyway, there is another salsa social tonight with the same group of people. And the club tomorrow. I don’t think I’m up for all of it. I will maybe go to one.
Thanks for letting me vent – I don’t have many places to talk about this. I do have female salsa friends, but the likelihood that they all dance with J or will do so at some point is great. So I try not to discuss the drama with them.
Have you ever listened to the Abraham-Hicks YouTube videos? Great stuff there about lifting yourself out of your stuff and into what they call the “Vortex.” I know this sounds airy-fairy, but when you mention salsa dancing . . . well, that’s my door to the Vortex, the place where I’m close to my true self and feeling fluid and able to make good decisions. The problem is, that’s also where dime-store romantic dirtbags show up. . . My advice: No romantic involvement with any of these guys, even if they’re legit. You’re just not in a place where you can judge. It’s like being drunk, which Abraham-Hicks describes as being in the Vortex, for sure, but being right where you started when you get sober. Instead, use salsa, music, whatever really “lights you up” to put you in that place generally, and do a lot of it. Then talk about where you’re going in life, your goals and values, honestly and clearly, to all men outside the “salsa zone” who hang out with you long enough to listen. They’ll let you know what works and doesn’t for them, and you can actually check out that preference and their track record around it, factually. . . . Everything else is just romance. B.S., if you ask me. Some guy working his mojo on a dance floor is nice, but it doesn’t get you into real conversations in the real world. A dance is a place to feel like a 7th grader: pimple-faced, insecure, unpopular. Dance itself, though, puts us on a higher plane. The latter is great, but together, they’re bad news.
Fight, when the time is right, you will go out and enjoy life again. I believe if I have read correctly that you still have a sociopathic tenant. (Correct me if I’m wrong). Just having any ongoing contact with a sociopath will suck the life out of you. Someday you will be free of that. I was alone and lonely for many years, give or take some 3-6 month relationships, one of whom was the sociopath. But during my time alone, I stayed home a lot and my fun was mostly on the internet. For me, the desire to go out and experience things finally grew bigger than the fear. That’s what got me out of the house. I’ve always been fine going out to eat alone or going to the movies alone. But it was when I started traveling in 2010 that my life really started to open up. It was in Costa Rica where I had a passionate romance that brought me out of my comfort zone. The trip also inspired me to learn Spanish, which I spent all of 2011 doing. It was there (Costa Rica) also where I saw a couple salsa dancing. I decided I MUST learn to do that. It took a while to get into it because of my intense self-esteem issues. And I almost dropped out every month. But I stuck with it and now I have a pretty full life and some positive goals other than just avoiding pain. It’s not always the happiest (with all the salsa drama) but it is full, and there is a lot of joy and happiness with the territory. I wish this for you too but maybe minus the drama. lol
Thank you, Stargazer. I hope you are right. I have been abused for decades of groupthink and for not having the “right” belief system for where I live. It is exhausting to me when I have to answer questions, or even am treated like a criminal, for not having the “right” answer to a question that is actually crossing the lines of my Civil Rights. It is very difficult for me to get out here and has been for 35 years. There aren’t many places I can go here without getting “grilled” and skewered for my beliefs. It has made me tired.
Even if the spath goes, I will still have to deal with an entire group of people who are afraid to think much beyond what was beaten into them, and that is the real reason I don’t go do anything anymore. I have been isolating for over 30 years as I had to give up trying to fit in with people in a region that is always the worst with taking care of its children, its elderly, its poor, allowing women to make their own decisions, gender disparity in pay that is larger than other regions, etc.
I DO absolutely applaud your will power to have gotten out a lot more than you did before. You live in a much more free and open minded part of the country. I have been asked one question by 99% of the people I have met since the day I got to this part of the country. If I don’t have the right answer, I am preached at or abused.
My only hope is to retire out of here and move someplace where people don’t ask the same question over and over again infringing on the Civil and Constitutional Rights of everyone they meet.
I am reading your posts and am looking forward to your reports. I think you are doing well as you traverse your situation. Thank you, again, for the support. I need it.
Fight, without knowing your exact situation, I believe that we all stay stuck in bad situations because we actually believe we have to be, need to be, don’t deserve better, don’t even have a sense of what ‘better’ would look like, etc. When I was younger, someone asked me what my ideal life was. I thought living in a small town in the Midwest in a little house away from all people was the best thing I could hope for. My friend thought that sounded very lonely. To me it sounded “safe”, away from pain and suffering. Today, that goal would seem ridiculously limited, based on who I am now. But at the time, it was the best I could hope for. You can only have in your life what you believe you can have. You can release this pattern of thinking – whatever it is – but I don’t know what it will take for you to do it. Change happens for all of us when the time is right. When you ready to change, change will occur. It doesn’t matter how abused you have been or how many years you have been beaten down. The sheer intention to change will set the wheels in motion. Since change often begins with intention, it is an act of will. We all have free will choice. But we don’t know we have it until we realize that the power to change is within us. It doesn’t come from the outside.
Update: I debated back and forth over going to the salsa social tonight with J, L, and all the salsa apprentices. Even though they were short on men, I actually had a total blast. I had a great time dancing with J – he was the first one to pull me out on the floor. But it was also a blast dancing with the other guys. They were all great dancers. And getting to know some of the women there. I didn’t let my issues sabotage me from going.
Prior to going, I had all kinds of stuff coming up from the depths, from my childhood. I went to get a healing today. It helped move some of the energy. The lady doing the healing told me I needed to do some inner child work. I came home and did it, and it released some of the pain, so I could go out and have fun tonight without feeling jealous of what J was doing. I still have more inner child work to do. It feels like a pressure in my throat from years of not being able to express myself, from feeling invisible and like no one cares what I’m feeling. I’m so grateful I stepped out of the victim role with this many years ago and learned that I can heal this myself. So at this point the only thing getting in the way of my own happiness is me. I have the ability to heal myself. So I have no one else to blame if I don’t – not my abusive parents, society, etc. I REFUSE to let my abusive past sabotage my life and my salsa career. I just flat out REFUSE. I am bigger than this. I will overcome. You will all be my witnesses.
stargazer,
I admire your positive attitude…and yet understand what it took to get there!
I have always fought to have an optimistic attitude because when I was growing up,my dad was negative about EVERYTHING!
Although I never experienced childhood abuse to the point that many here did,my experiences were enough to rob me of my childhood innocence.It was enough to crush my self-esteem,and make me flounder in self doubt and eventually become the target of a sociopath.But THAT WASN’T THE DEFINITION OF ME!
I knew it and I didn’t let events in my life cause me to give up and stop living!In fact,my attitude was part of the reason I fought to survive!
I like the way you describe staying in “safe” situations.I remember thinking how badly I wanted to be away from my husband,BUT doubted I could take care of myself and my daughters(spath helped such thinking!),so I stayed for the financial security.
I did separate once from him;and stayed away for 5 yrs.Then when I had a ‘fluke’ accident that caused panic attacks,and I could no longer stay by myself,spath was right by my side-arrgh!Once we were back together,it was VENGEANCE TIME!Long story short,I wore my body out taking care of him.I was never so unhappy! I wanted out!I needed a rescuer!But when I talked to my Dr and asked if I could force him into a nursing home,I knew that NOBODY BUT ME could get me out of that awful situation!Once I walked out…..THERE WAS ALL KINDS OF HELP!!!
But I had to take THE FIRST STEP.
Hi Stargazer,
It’s OK, I understood perfectly that you had not been married to these older men in your 20s. That’s my fault for not being clear enough. I should have said that marrying an older man “would not have been” the best way to go—emphasizing that what I was talking about was a purely hypothetical course of action, not one that actually took place! In other words, you made a wise decision at the time. I did gather from everything you’d said before that you’d never been married.
I don’t know what to say about the current situation. I do think you’re right not to give up your passion—dancing—just because it’s uncomfortable at times with J being around. In the end I think you can only be true to yourself. He knows you’re interested, but he’s not willing to reciprocate in the way you’d wish for. So you can’t afford to go overboard, but maybe you can still enjoy dancing with him for its own sake. Meanwhile, perhaps one way of becoming less focused on J is to pay rather more attention to some of the other men in your circle?
I’m pretty flirty with other men, trust me. And I’m now taking classes with an entirely different group of people in another town, so I can find a replacement for J who is my favorite dance partner. I danced with him again last night, and we both were breathing so hard afterward. “Great dance!” is all he could say but he was clutching his heart like he was swooning. We just have a special connection. I don’t know how to break it. But I didn’t go into any kind of jealousy or obsessing last night, even though there were many beautiful women to 5 men, and he danced with all of them. I danced repeatedly with all the men, too, and they were all even better dancers than J. I’m going out dancing at the club tonight. This is a place where men fall all over me. It was actually a little obnoxious last week – they were trying to kiss my neck and all. I’m very open to the affection of other men. It’s just very rare to meet someone I feel so strongly about. The connection is either there or it isn’t. I know J and I have this special connection. But it is what it is. I just need to stop letting it interfere with my hobby. I’m working on it. I think I’m doing pretty good. I had a blast rehearsing with my salsa teacher yesterday for our performance, and just as much fun helping him teach his beginner class. The beginners have all gotten so much better, and I am so proud of them. J is not involved in either of these things – it’s something I do without him, and a group of salsa friends I have that don’t involve him.
Dance your heart out, enjoy all the Don Juans de Dime Stores, and leave, having proved that men adore you. And go home alone.