According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain’s reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.
Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can’t get what you want.
So what happens when you fall in love with a sociopath? Why is it so difficult to emotionally disengage from a sociopath, even when you have discovered what they really are? I’ve spoken to many people who know, on an intellectual level, that they are involved with an exploiter. They absolutely understand that they must end the involvement. But they can’t.
The following letter from a Lovefraud reader is a case in point. We’ll call her “TammyLynn.” The other names have been changed as well. I will comment on her case, and why it’s so hard to break away from a sociopath, after her letter.
TammyLynn’s letter
I’ve just turned 41. I was married in 1996 and separated from my husband, David, in January 2009. All during this time, my best friend was male (I’m female). Jeremy and I became close, and when I separated from my husband, I pretty much went straight to him.
Jeremy was everything to me. The PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws ”¦ I trusted him 100%. I told him my secrets, relied on him. We both worked in law enforcement, so I really thought he had the same values.
Fast forward to March 2012. He got arrested for embezzlement from our own agency. (I had been off work for two years at the time for an injury.) We were broke, or so I thought.
After the arrest and a lot of questions on my part, I finally discovered Jeremy had been cheating on me. He denied it until I showed him printed proof at the jail. Yes, I still went to see him.
Jeremy owes me over $27,000. He insists he will pay, but his money is locked up in his divorce. (This part is true because I got power of attorney and was able to view all finances and that’s how I found the other girls.) He’s now in prison and considered a “con” by the media.
Money is an excuse
I need the money”¦ I also know it is an excuse, because once I get the money, I keep telling myself I will cut ties, but I miss what I thought we had. My brain is smart, I’m educated, but my heart is totally stupid and broken.
I love David, my husband, but we don’t have the same relationship. With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things ”¦ etc. Although I love my husband and he is stable, I miss the relationship with the sociopath. I’m humiliated, angry, my kids were also devastated, sooo incredibly sad.
EVERYONE is telling me to run. But even David, my husband, and family, tell me to “con the con” to try to get some of the money back. I’m just not good at it everyday some days I feel like I can con him, others not so much.
Jeremy believes that we will get back together after prison, even though I have told him we won’t, that I do not trust him (God I wish I could). I know I am attractive to the opposite sex, funny with a kindhearted personality. Kids, old people and dogs are my favorite things in life ”¦ I feel pathetic and stupid.
Why can’t I convince myself?
Why can’t I just convince myself what my brain knows???? I don’t get it. And why does he seem to think it should all be understandable because of his own “mental breakdown that caused him to do horrible things.” His words, not mine.
My experience w the sociopath was so entirely different from what my reading, investigating and what I’m hearing. It’s like reading about a totally different person. I’m having a tough time making a clear parallel to the same guy. The guy I loved is NOT what I’ve now been exposed to. It does not seem real. My heart is not recognizing this. My brain says no way, never again. So sad.
I don’t care if you post this, if I could read responses, or if you will take the time to tell me not to be a dummy. I just need other people to help me with my backbone lately. He will be out in a few months, I know I will not be with him, I’m just asking for help with my thinking ”¦ he’s messed me up big time.
Donna’s comments love with a sociopath
First of all, I think it’s fair to say that Jeremy is a sociopath. He swooped in when TammyLynn was vulnerable. He pulled her into a relationship that was both personal and business and then embezzled from the business. The fact that Jeremy is now a recognized con artist and in prison is telling.
But notice how TammyLynn described Jeremy he was “the PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws.” This is the impression that Jeremy wanted to create for her.
Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. They figure out what you are looking for, turn themselves into that person, and then declare that the two of you are soul mates, destined to be together.
Notice what else TammyLynn said about this man “With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things, etc.” Jeremy undoubtedly engaged in love bombing overwhelming attention and affection. This level of adoration is exhilarating, and most likely intensified TammyLynn’s feelings of love. The normal, stable love of her husband just couldn’t measure up.
Sociopaths are different
I don’t know of any fMRI brain studies about sociopaths and love, but researchers at the recent SSSP conference that I attended did present information about how sociopaths’ brains are different. Maybe some of the deep brain mechanisms that Dr. Fisher described do not operate the same way in sociopaths. I do know that sociopaths do not form bonds the way the rest of us do.
Although sociopaths are great at convincing us that they love us, it is all deceit and manipulation. They are not capable of complete love, love that involves truly caring about the welfare of another person. Sociopathic love is fake love.
Because they don’t bond, sociopaths are capable of unceremoniously dumping us when they’re bored, or when a juicier target comes along. We, however, can become obsessed with regaining what we thought we had, even though it was a mirage.
By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site. I’ve heard from people who say they’ve met sociopaths on Chemistry.com along with Match.com, Pleny of Fish, and every other dating website.
Advice for TammyLynn
TammyLynn knows that Jeremy is a con artist, but she is still feeling the pull of romantic love. This is because of the changes her love for Jeremy, which is real, have made in her brain.
The solution is to realize that leaving Jeremy requires breaking an addiction.
TammyLynn must have No Contact with Jeremy. She must stop all communication with Jeremy luckily, he’s in prison, so that should help. Then, like anyone kicking a drug or alcohol problem, she needs to take it one day at a time. Promise herself she will not contact him today. Then make the same promise tomorrow. And the same promise the next day. The longer she stays away, the more his grip on her will dissipate.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not going to be strong enough to “con the con.” If she tries to deal with Jeremy directly, she will be drawn back into his web. He’ll use the pity play on her, telling his tale of woe about his “mental breakdown.” I am certain Jeremy knew exactly what he was doing, and is expressing remorse only because he got caught.
Even if TammyLynn retains an attorney, just having to think about a legal case will keep Jeremy, as Dr. Fisher says, camping in her head.
I’m all for holding sociopaths accountable. But in this case, it’s more important for TammyLynn to rebuild her life. She may have to take her lumps and walk away from the $27,000.
Blossom, I really liked what you said about taking the first step. Everywhere I’ve gotten in life is because I took a risk and did something really scary. I imagine it’s very scary to strike out on your own after being worn down in an abusive relationship. It takes a lot of courage. I have not been in your exact situation, but I admire the strength it takes. (Well, this is not exactly true because I left my abusive family at 16). I marvel sometimes at the human spirit. I see a lot of it here, people surviving and even triumphing against all odds. The reason they do it is because they will themselves to do it, and they believe they can do it.
I will share a dream I had when I was about 23. I was in grad school, and I had to write a paper. It was due the next day. But I had writer’s block and couldn’t think of anything. I eventually fell asleep and had the following dream: I dreamt that I was standing on the ground and trying to fly. I was having trouble getting off the ground. I had a coach. The coach said to me that there is one condition you absolutely need to have in order to fly. That condition is that you have to believe 100% that you can. If there is any doubt, you won’t be able to do it.” So I believed, and within seconds, I was suddenly flying. I woke up and immediately wrote the paper. It just poured out of me at about 3 am. True story, and I haven’t told many people about this dream.
stargazer,
Your dream helped you realize that you needed to have faith in your abilities!It’s easy to make excuses as to why we can’t achieve something;but it usually “boils down” to a lack of faith.Sometimes there is an actual ‘mental block’,but it will be removed when you have faith!When my self-esteem was really low,I began to realize this.As I worked on the problem,my self-esteem rose!
As i speak, i am watching the story of Barbara Bentley, the lady who married the spath Admiral. I am hoping she is one of our Barbs! I can SO relate to much of what she went through. When the spath gets into your pocket and you begin to get “nervous” about their excessive spending they know how to make you feel foolish. Money seems to so often be the motivation of spaths, don’t know why that would surprise me, it seems to be motivation for the masses. I guess the difference to me is that the spath that did the damage to me was supposed to be a man, men are supposed to be above wanting to be taken care of by a woman, or maybe that’s my misconception. Maybe my expectations are just too high. I try not to do things that are shameful, i do admit that i also expect that of others. If you wouldn’t want anyone to know you did it, then don’t do it, someone will always find out. I do believe my spath thought he could do all the things he did in our time together and no one would ever know, not even me! I guess that’s part of thinking they are smarter than everyone else. He went to a marriage counselor with me ONCE and was furious because in his words “you told all”. Hmmm, i guess i should have lied, so the counselor could work on fixing false problems. I guess that was all about everything just being a game to him, reality was not something he cared to approach.
I have learned so well from the spath that i have drastically changed some things about myself and sometimes wonder if i have taken some of those things too far. For one thing, i just break ties with people who try to interrupt my comfort zone. I am now hyper sensitive about being used for money. I have a very “needy” sister, who has gotten quite a bit out of me over the years. About 3 yrs ago i cut ties with her for over a yr, i felt she violated my generosity and involved me way too much in her never ending (self induced) problems. Recently she asked for my monetary help again, i just flat said NO and asked her not to tell me her problems. She was flabbergasted! She said she thought she could always count on me. But i learned from spath that as long as you have your wallet open, there will always be someone there to empty it for you. Something i have believed for many yrs is that a lot of “mental illness” is voluntary or behavioral. Like my sister who nurtures her weaknesses that pay off for her. I not only don’t respect it, but no longer foster her behavior in hopes that she will change for the better. If she doesn’t, it won’t be my fault. It took me yrs for figure out why their are pathological liars. That was an ongoing mystery to me that i pondered for yrs. I know now how they think…”why should i tell you the truth that you might use against me, when i can tell you a lie and use it against you.” They tell you lies that they can build on. They fear the truth won’t give them as much leverage.
I guess i have carried on enough here, just relating some thoughts.
R
For some reason, suddenly sistersister’s posts have appeared. They were not there before, even though I posted after them. This seems to happen a lot with appearing and disappearing posts – I’m not sure what’s going on…..sorry sistersister, I did not intentionally ignore you. I agree with you that salsa is a great place to build confidence and get your needs to dress up, feel beautiful, exercise daily, and express your creativity met. And I TOTALLY agree that it is so important to guard your heart during this very psychologically dangerous activity. I know that now. However, in the beginning I didn’t know, and I was completely open and unguarded with J. I believed what we were developing was real. It felt real to me, but to him it was just a way to meet his needs for touch, flirting, and attention. I would give anything have a do over and guard my heart with him. It’s difficult to go backward – I’m doing my best to break away, but the only way to do it is to really cultivate other interests outside of salsa. And yet I seem to be getting more and more drawn into the salsa world because it’s so addicting. Last night I went out to the club and danced with some of the best dancers in the room. I would never have thought a year ago that those men would pick me to dance with them or that I would be able to follow them. It was exhilarating. I felt like I was on Dancing with the Stars. One beautiful latin man asked me to dance 3 times. The last time, he ended the dance with 5 consecutive spins and a dip. I followed it flawlessly. It surprised both of us! This is what keeps me coming back. There were two young guys kind of nerdy looking – probably in their 20’s – who were just standing around. So when a merengue came on I asked them both to dance with me. To my amazement, they took turns stealing me back and forth. It was a blast. Then later, they did the same thing with me on a salsa song. I can’t remember when I’ve had a better time. Salsa is one of the activities that spans age, race, income, etc. Anyone can dance with anyone. I even did a few salsa dances with my women friends because I am learning the male lead part. Still a blast.
Of course J was there. He told me I was beautiful and “I don’t believe I’ve ever seen that dress before.” Then we danced only once. He told me it was “the best dance of the night.” This is what is so difficult to detach from because he’s right. Even though I danced with some much better dancers than him, it’s always the best dance with him because of our connection. It makes me angry that it’s just a game to him. It feels so real to me. One of these days, maybe soon, I will tell him off and be done with him.
Yes. It’s the salsa SPIRIT that you seek. Stay on that high plane, but not necessarily that particular “meet market.” Take salsa home with you, not your partner.
Sistersister, I never say never because I know several married couples who met as the salsa club. And what better way to meet a partner than sharing a mutual hobby? The problem is that this guy is not ready for a relationship. That’s all. It’s not that he’s a salsa dancer. I have not met one other guy at the clubs that I would even consider dating, never mind going home with which I don’t do). But there have been a few who are interested in me. One of them I know for sure hasn’t dated anyone in 4 years, so I know he’s not a player. I am just not attracted to him. There are some decent people who like to salsa dance. If I did meet someone I really liked, and it seemed mutual, I’d probably check it out. You never know. I just think I need to keep a balanced life and expose myself to other hobbies and other situations where I’d meet different men, and not put all my eggs in one basket. It would ideally be best for me to stop dancing with J altogether. It would change the power dynamic between us and make him realize that if he wants me, even for dancing, he needs to step up to the plate. But I’m not ready to quit him yet. Dancing with him is its own addiction.
I heartily support dancing as an addiction. And I also think it’s nobody else’s business if people meet in sleazy bars. Sociopaths show up everywhere anyway. The point is, when we’re on a “high” from a pleasurable activity, we see things as we want to see them. Again, no problem unless you’re going to the Justice of the Peace right after the bars close. But in the light of day, after following a person around for a while, you can check out FACTS. Facts are not subjective. They just sit there on the police report, guilty verdict, divorce-related records, court judgments, and so on. . . . On balance, I’d say the pleasure addiction is a good thing, likely to steer you right rather than wrong. Just the odds. But there are more mental states and seasons in which to observe a person.
Sistersister, you have made some very wise observations about the need to see what someone is like off the dance floor to see if there is still compatibility and connection. The complicating factor with me is that I am a true idealist and romantic in the most extreme sense of the word. What goes on in my mind about J is 50% based on reality and 50% my fantasy. Anyway, I don’t want to marry him and move in with him. I just want a real date with him that ends with a goodnight kiss. That’s as far as I go in my fantasy.
I’m not sure about the sleazy bar analogy. The salsa clubs are anything but sleazy. Most of the people there – myself and J included – never drink there.
Dear friends,
I was getting ready to go to an afternoon salsa patio party. I was feeling rather excited about it, even though I’m going out again later to dance or sing karaoke tonight. Then I thought, “What if J is there?”. I went right into fear – wondering who he’d be there with, who he’d be dancing with, what he’s been doing, etc. I have come to the final conclusion that the ONLY way to get over this is to just stop dancing with him. As soon as I made this decision, my energy lifted again. There is really no choice at this point. I am finally done with the ups and downs and knots in my stomach, wondering what to say to him, discussing him with all my friends, trying to figure him out….Just DONE. I do miss dancing with him. But frankly, I’m doing great without him. I am helping teach one – and soon to be two – salsa classes. My teacher and I finished choreographing our performance, which we will perform not only at the salsa club but perhaps all around town, and maybe even at the salsa congress in October. My star is shining brightly with dance, but the energy I spend on J is really bringing me down. You know what it says in the Bible…….”If your right arm offends thee, cut it off.” It really is like cutting off my right arm not to dance with J. But I need peace more than I need him.
I have taken much of my dancing up to that neighboring town where J doesn’t go. I have discovered some very nice friends and new dance partners there. There is one older guy with whom I dance extremely well. There is no attraction, but we have become good friends. We are talking about maybe being in a dance troupe together.
I am really excited about my future with dancing. And to think I started at 51!!!
Hi Stargazer. I am on here pretty much every day reading articles and comments. The haughty one still lives in my home so I don’t feel comfortable or relaxed enough to post when she is home so it’s more sporadic for now. I wanted to say I have enjoyed hearing your perspective, your positivity in encouraging others to begin embracing some of the things we are letting pass us by. I have been thinking about going for a while, but last week for the first time in 6 years I went to the place I used to go dancing. Not sure if I’m going to do it regularly but it was nice to just go do the lesson, do a couple dances, and sit and watch. Reading your posts helped me get my butt out of my big chair and out the door. So thanks
you dance 4light?! 🙂
Yea, I’m a regular Baryshniklutz !
4Light2shine: I am tickled beyond words that my endless drivel about dancing has inspired you to get out and go dancing. I started doing Zumba and salsa at age 51. It has changed my life. I went from being lonely and depressed with no social life outside of the internet to having lots of friends, a great social life, and a lot of joy and happiness. People who dance have more confidence, feel more at ease in their bodies, and – I think – are just happier. Dancing kicks off those endorphins. We all need those to get through tough times. I can’t wait to hear how it went for you!
stargazer,
Let me congratulate you for coming to this decision on your own!I felt sure you would,in time.Yes,peace is the more important thing!
Starting dance at 51,wow!
Thanks, blossom. I feel so much lighter and happier since I’ve made the decision. I wish I could also cut out girlfriend L, but unfortunately, I am going on the cruise with her in November. I will just distance myself until then – It will be okay. I’m sure I will tell J why I have stopped dancing with him. I will just tell him that it is painful and humiliating to have him hold me and hold my hand and be all romantic with me one day and then act like a platonic friend the next. I deserve better, and I need to put my romantic energy toward men who really want and appreciate a woman like me! I don’t have time to play games with men. Life’s too short for that.
His loss. 🙂
just to share an episode.After surviving multiple SP-NDP relations, I started recovery. I met person who said he was suffering from similar experiences, so I shared my stories, gave all the support, we became also close physically, it felt life real intimacy. With my support, the friend recovered fast. Then, he began dating another person. However, she does not support him on his issues. So he asked to meet me again, in friendly way, but just in order to get some advice and information about therapy techniques etc. I shared some things, and then he turned cold and sarcastic and it was something like “ok thanks, I go back to my new date”. Feel so drained out. Began suspect SP behind all this.
Hi Sarah,
The only way to full recovery is to go No Contact(NC);no phone calls,no emails,no texts and no checking on thru social networks or friends.At first this may seem very difficult.But it serves to break the addiction to the person with a personality disorder,which can be one of the hardest addictions to break.But if you want your life back,it is necessary.Look forward to hearing more from you.I also encourage you to take advantage of the archives at the bottom of the page and the toolbar at the top of the page.
thank you. I had indeed accepted his behavior as “quite normal” and feel more guilty than angry. just felt low energy, lifeless and sad. PS I let you know