According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain’s reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.
Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can’t get what you want.
So what happens when you fall in love with a sociopath? Why is it so difficult to emotionally disengage from a sociopath, even when you have discovered what they really are? I’ve spoken to many people who know, on an intellectual level, that they are involved with an exploiter. They absolutely understand that they must end the involvement. But they can’t.
The following letter from a Lovefraud reader is a case in point. We’ll call her “TammyLynn.” The other names have been changed as well. I will comment on her case, and why it’s so hard to break away from a sociopath, after her letter.
TammyLynn’s letter
I’ve just turned 41. I was married in 1996 and separated from my husband, David, in January 2009. All during this time, my best friend was male (I’m female). Jeremy and I became close, and when I separated from my husband, I pretty much went straight to him.
Jeremy was everything to me. The PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws ”¦ I trusted him 100%. I told him my secrets, relied on him. We both worked in law enforcement, so I really thought he had the same values.
Fast forward to March 2012. He got arrested for embezzlement from our own agency. (I had been off work for two years at the time for an injury.) We were broke, or so I thought.
After the arrest and a lot of questions on my part, I finally discovered Jeremy had been cheating on me. He denied it until I showed him printed proof at the jail. Yes, I still went to see him.
Jeremy owes me over $27,000. He insists he will pay, but his money is locked up in his divorce. (This part is true because I got power of attorney and was able to view all finances and that’s how I found the other girls.) He’s now in prison and considered a “con” by the media.
Money is an excuse
I need the money”¦ I also know it is an excuse, because once I get the money, I keep telling myself I will cut ties, but I miss what I thought we had. My brain is smart, I’m educated, but my heart is totally stupid and broken.
I love David, my husband, but we don’t have the same relationship. With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things ”¦ etc. Although I love my husband and he is stable, I miss the relationship with the sociopath. I’m humiliated, angry, my kids were also devastated, sooo incredibly sad.
EVERYONE is telling me to run. But even David, my husband, and family, tell me to “con the con” to try to get some of the money back. I’m just not good at it everyday some days I feel like I can con him, others not so much.
Jeremy believes that we will get back together after prison, even though I have told him we won’t, that I do not trust him (God I wish I could). I know I am attractive to the opposite sex, funny with a kindhearted personality. Kids, old people and dogs are my favorite things in life ”¦ I feel pathetic and stupid.
Why can’t I convince myself?
Why can’t I just convince myself what my brain knows???? I don’t get it. And why does he seem to think it should all be understandable because of his own “mental breakdown that caused him to do horrible things.” His words, not mine.
My experience w the sociopath was so entirely different from what my reading, investigating and what I’m hearing. It’s like reading about a totally different person. I’m having a tough time making a clear parallel to the same guy. The guy I loved is NOT what I’ve now been exposed to. It does not seem real. My heart is not recognizing this. My brain says no way, never again. So sad.
I don’t care if you post this, if I could read responses, or if you will take the time to tell me not to be a dummy. I just need other people to help me with my backbone lately. He will be out in a few months, I know I will not be with him, I’m just asking for help with my thinking ”¦ he’s messed me up big time.
Donna’s comments love with a sociopath
First of all, I think it’s fair to say that Jeremy is a sociopath. He swooped in when TammyLynn was vulnerable. He pulled her into a relationship that was both personal and business and then embezzled from the business. The fact that Jeremy is now a recognized con artist and in prison is telling.
But notice how TammyLynn described Jeremy he was “the PERFECT man. He had almost no flaws.” This is the impression that Jeremy wanted to create for her.
Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. They figure out what you are looking for, turn themselves into that person, and then declare that the two of you are soul mates, destined to be together.
Notice what else TammyLynn said about this man “With Jeremy, it seemed expertly loving, exciting. Said the right things, etc.” Jeremy undoubtedly engaged in love bombing overwhelming attention and affection. This level of adoration is exhilarating, and most likely intensified TammyLynn’s feelings of love. The normal, stable love of her husband just couldn’t measure up.
Sociopaths are different
I don’t know of any fMRI brain studies about sociopaths and love, but researchers at the recent SSSP conference that I attended did present information about how sociopaths’ brains are different. Maybe some of the deep brain mechanisms that Dr. Fisher described do not operate the same way in sociopaths. I do know that sociopaths do not form bonds the way the rest of us do.
Although sociopaths are great at convincing us that they love us, it is all deceit and manipulation. They are not capable of complete love, love that involves truly caring about the welfare of another person. Sociopathic love is fake love.
Because they don’t bond, sociopaths are capable of unceremoniously dumping us when they’re bored, or when a juicier target comes along. We, however, can become obsessed with regaining what we thought we had, even though it was a mirage.
By the way I wonder if Dr. Fisher screens for deception in her Chemistry.com online dating site. I’ve heard from people who say they’ve met sociopaths on Chemistry.com along with Match.com, Pleny of Fish, and every other dating website.
Advice for TammyLynn
TammyLynn knows that Jeremy is a con artist, but she is still feeling the pull of romantic love. This is because of the changes her love for Jeremy, which is real, have made in her brain.
The solution is to realize that leaving Jeremy requires breaking an addiction.
TammyLynn must have No Contact with Jeremy. She must stop all communication with Jeremy luckily, he’s in prison, so that should help. Then, like anyone kicking a drug or alcohol problem, she needs to take it one day at a time. Promise herself she will not contact him today. Then make the same promise tomorrow. And the same promise the next day. The longer she stays away, the more his grip on her will dissipate.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s not going to be strong enough to “con the con.” If she tries to deal with Jeremy directly, she will be drawn back into his web. He’ll use the pity play on her, telling his tale of woe about his “mental breakdown.” I am certain Jeremy knew exactly what he was doing, and is expressing remorse only because he got caught.
Even if TammyLynn retains an attorney, just having to think about a legal case will keep Jeremy, as Dr. Fisher says, camping in her head.
I’m all for holding sociopaths accountable. But in this case, it’s more important for TammyLynn to rebuild her life. She may have to take her lumps and walk away from the $27,000.
thank you, Blossom4th. Now I am actually living at his place. I am from another town. It is the working visit, planned long time ago, I was supposed to stay at his place. Just a week before my arrival, he mentioned of “meeting someone, but not sure if they are couple or not”. As there was no chance of finding new place in few days, he “kindly” let me stay at his apartment. I suspect, it is not coincidence of announcing of “new relationship” like very few days before my arrival. In this situation,I am most stressed about my immediate family – as my family argues that i should be happy, as the guy did not do anything wrong to me.
Actually it was my immediate family who persuaded me to stay here.
Awww Sarah,
So sorry for the stress!Unfortunately family will not always be supportive of YOUR needs and desires.How long will you be staying there?!”He” evidently has his mind somewhere else;hopefully he’ll be too busy to bother you!Try to focus on this as being temporary and think about your life when you’re back home.
Well, this isn’t going to be as easy as I thought. I dreamt of J last night. I dreamt that I was walking down a sidewalk for several blocks. He was following about a block behind me. I was ignoring him, so he kept following me.
I’m back in fear wondering if I’ll be strong enough to really avoid him at the club tonight. When he looks at me with his smiling eyes and takes my hand, it is really hard to turn down a dance with him. I have never turned him down. I know I will have to deal with the fallout of breaking away from him. I will have to watch (and maybe hear) about him getting closer to someone else, maybe even to my friend L. I think in order to have true NC, I will just have to move out of state or at least to another town.
Stargazer~
It sounds like you are still infatuated with J and aren’t doing much to avoid him. Every time he sees you at a place were you know he goes his ego is whipped back up, he knows you are there to see him…and you do too! To break your addiction to him you have to wean yourself off of him. Don’t go anywhere he might be. If you have a friend that might get involved with him and he’s a creep, she should be told. From the day i figured out what i was dealing with, the only thing i cared about in regards to exspath getting involved with someone else was the poor person that would be his next victim. If you aren’t done with him, honestly i suggest you go back and play it out, because you will never be done with this till you reach CLARITY. You will never get there by yearning for him. It’s costly, but “breaking up” doesn’t work till you are done, until then, it’s just practice.
R
Imhope,
It is impossible to avoid him without completely dropping out of the salsa scene. There are limited places to social dance in this town, and I refuse to avoid dancing altogether. I always go on Sunday nights. I have other dance partners, and I have one of them that I promised I’d meet there. I am not going to see him. This has been the painful thing, that I have not been able to go NC with him. We are still in the same social circle. I am going on a salsa cruise (already paid for) in November, and they will all be there. I can do my best to minimize the contact, but without dropping out of salsa completely, I cannot avoid him. He is all over the scene. I have already moved most of my dancing up to the other town, even though it’s costly to drive up there several times a week. And fortunately, he dropped out of my Thursday class that we’ve been in for a year. So it’s really only the one night a week I will see him. It’s the best I can do. The Sunday club is THE hangout for salsa dancers. All my students from my beginner class will be having a field trip there next week……..If I just stop dancing there, there will be fallout with my dancing career. I think it needs to be more of a mental break-up at this point.
I am hoping to come into a small amount of inheritance after the first of the year. At that point, I will look into possibly moving to another town where there is a thriving social scene – possibly out of state. Until then, the best I can do is minimize the contact. You are right, I still have feelings for him. But the less contact, the better. It helps. It’s impossible to avoid him because I just don’t know where he will turn up. He could even go up to the other town I go to and go dancing there. He does that periodically. There’s no escape from him.
Stargazer~
What exactly are the feelings you have for him? Do you believe that he is a possibly dangerous sociopath and still have romantic feelings? Forgive me, what is NC? You have been here quite a while, has he been in your life all this time? Perhaps you could go out and if he is there, go somewhere else? Even doing that, it sounds like it might be painful for you.
R
Stargazer , this situation is creating pain, confusion and self doubt in your life. You use the words ‘ painful’ and ‘humiliating’ to describe your emotional reactions to your contact with this man.
A healthy platonic friendship does not create feelings of and humiliation in us.
A healthy intimate relationship does not create feelings of pain and humiliation in us.
A healthy professional or leisure time partnership does not create feelings of pain and humiliation in us.
Your relationship with J is not healthy. You can’t minimise or rationalise the bad stuff to justify why you hold out for the good stuff. Which doesnt make you feel good for long anyway, as, reading your posts makes clear the elation you feel when he is attentive to you is quickly followed by negative feelings of jealousy, frustration…and the pain and humiliation that comes with the knowledge that J knows you want him, and the knowledge that J does not want a romantic or sexual relationship with you.
My advice would be to take this pain and humiliation seriously. Contact with this man is simply not healthy for you, so make the adjustments you need to to implement no contact. He doesn’t want you, but makes inappropriate sexual remarks to you about his enjoyment of dancing with you. That doesnt necessarily make him a sociopath, but in my book that does make him a foolish, irresponsible middle aged man enjoying the female attention and heartbreaker reputation that your salsa scene offers him.
We are here on LF because of our experiences with disordered people and our desire to build healthy lives from the aftermath. It’s not healthy Star, your fixation on this unavailable man. End it. Without explanations. Without hoping he’ll come running after you. Just end it because it’s not good for you to continue with it. All the best and keep on dancing.
I agree with Tea Lights…J is getting his ego fed at your expense. He doesn’t deserve your discomfort. Like TL said, he might not be a sociopath, but definitely sounds like an egotist and a jerk.
R
Yes, you and Imhope are exactly right. He is feeding his ego at my expense and playing with my feelings. Thanks for the reminder. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. However, I refuse to drop out of the salsa scene over him. He doesn’t deserve it. I’ll just be strong and just say no when he asks me to dance. He will only ask once. Once I reject him the first time, he will get it and he will not ask again.
Stargazer~
Forgive me for my concern, but for some of us contact with the spath could be life threatening. I don’t know your whole story, but if i were you i would be very careful. If there is danger of any kind, i would stay home and dance alone before i would jeopardize my well being.
R
Thanks, Imhope. I really appreciate the caring and kindness I receive here. This guy is not dangerous or disordered. He’s just a confused divorced man who doesn’t know what he’s doing with women. And I am a casualty of that because I have allowed myself to be.
Stargazer,
Are you sure J will just dismiss having his ego ‘stroked’?! Or do you think it might be wise to plan ahead in case he should react in a harassing or violent way?!
Hi blossom (and thanks to all of you for your caring responses)
J is not like that. He is a gentle and good soul. In my heart I do believe he really does like me a lot (he’s told me so)and that I am very special to him. But he’s been so wounded by his second divorce that he is not ready to get involved with anyone. He is trying to “play the field” without offending anyone. It isn’t working too well. When I start avoiding him, he may call me to find out if I’m okay. At that point, I will be honest with him, and he will be compassionate. He does care about me, probably more than he shows. But he will not chase me. He knows he cannot give me what I need. This is likely the reason he won’t get physically involved with me. He respects me too much for that (though I think if I were to hang in until November, we could possibly get physical on the cruise. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he would want to get serious, so what would be the point?). I know that as long as we still dance together, it will prevent him from getting too close with someone else. I have enjoyed having this little power over him. It is what I’ve been afraid to relinquish, because I couldn’t bear watching him find a “replacement” for me. But you know what they say, if you love someone, let them go……..
Most likely he will just let me go, too. I think it will hurt him, but he is too afraid and having too much fun playing the field to move forward. He is not a bad person, blossom. He doesn’t have a violent bone in his body. He just is not ready for a serious relationship. He is exploring his own needs and his own identity as a single person – he’s spent his entire adult life married. He’s just not ready to share that with someone. He may never be. I’ve been waiting patiently. But now I need to cut my losses. I haven’t got time for the pain anymore. The hardest part is that we really have become good friends over all of this. He has opened up to me quite a bit about his feelings and struggles with relationships and vice versa. He regards me as a dear friend. This will really hurt both of us. If it wasn’t the last resort, I wouldn’t do it. But enough is enough, you know?
stargazer,
I’m glad to hear that you don’t feel J would do anything violent.It’s sad that he can’t explore his needs without being a “player” and hurting other people.He’s got a bit of growing up to do to become a good partner for anyone!
That sounds like a workable solution Star. No physical contact with him at all will help you put appropriate boundaries in place so no dancing ( its just too intimate and ultimately not healthy for you) and keep your unavoidable contact minimal impersonal and detached.
It will take a lot of strength on my part. But if I can detach from him a day here and a day there, as I’ve been doing, I can detach permanently. It’s an addiction. I’ve broken other addictions. I’ve stopped biting my nails, and they are attached to my body so I can’t escape them! I dropped 20 lbs in spite of my intense food cravings and addictions. I can do this!!!!
No blossom, he isn’t that kind of person. He has inadvertently become a player via the medium of salsa dancing. I don’t think he intended to. It just happens. He thinks he’s being a gentleman.
After all the worrying, he wasn’t even at the club tonight. It was a big night at the club, so naturally I was obsessing over the fact that he wasn’t there. (I’m special, what can I say?). I did have fun dancing with my friends. One guy in particular went there just to dance with me. It was nice. It will take some doing to get over J though.
Star, I think people are assuming this J has disordered traits because you are posting about him on a thread called Love Addiction to a Sociopath. It’s not called, with respect, Love Addiction to Nice Divorced Men Who Aren’t Into You? I’m sorry this situation is painful to you, but we focus here on not nice men and women, rather than our tough times with people who aren’t malicious, violent, deceitful, and so on.
I was at one time addicted to a sociopath. That is what brought me here in 2008. However, I got out relatively quickly, though the recovery process was long and painful for the short time we dated. My life has been spath-free for 5 years now. I’m sorry if you or others feel this disqualifies me from posting here. I was not aware of any rules that say I must be currently entangled with a sociopath to post here. I feel there are many similarities to any addiction, and the struggles that apply to you also apply to me. But I am one who looks for points of commonality.
Stargazer, I’m sorry if my post above seemed unfair. I did not suggest you were “disqualified”. There are no ” membership rules” about current involvementwith a sociopath, but I recognise you were being sarcastic in implying I assume there are. My point was simply that posting extensively about your feelings for a nice man who you say is not in any way being abusive to you seems a little off topic. That’s all.
There are no preconditions for anyone to post on this site. No one needs to be involved with a sociopath or recovering from a sociopath. There is no requirement that contributors must post the details of their experiences. All that is necessary is that members have an interest in the topic and want to contribute.
The whole point of this website is to help people recover from their experiences. Recovery is a process. If people have something to say while recovering, that’s fine too.
Thanks Donna. I would think it could be useful and beneficial to hear from someone who has gotten past their sociopathic experience. It really confounds me that anyone would discredit my experiences because I am no longer addicted to a sociopath. What I’m hearing from a few of you is that you only want to hear from people who are currently entangled with sociopaths, so this is what you will have – people who are currently entangled sociopaths. That is not me any longer – thank God. It’s sad to me, and I feel pushed away, but I have no problem moving on.
I notice that the Helen Fischer video was not about sociopaths. Not once were they even mentioned in the video. She talked about romantic love as an addiction. This is what caught my attention – the love addiction, for it is similar no matter who you are addicted to.
I don’t think we are all so different. It is only in your limited thinking that we are. I don’t put those limitations on my relationships. And frankly, I don’t want to hang out with people who do.
I wish you all the very best.
Star~
It looks to me like you do still belong here. “Addiction” of any kind is unhealthy, hearing stories from someone who was love addicted to a sociopath, but now is love addicted to a seemingly normal man is also an eye opener. Perhaps some people here are subject to “love addiction” itself, which is something that needs help and attention. It certainly shows vulnerability, something that many here are looking to change.
You said you would rather love and lose…how about the concept of love and be loved? Don’t accept that there will always be pain, if you are going to do it, do it to win. Figure out what is causing it always to have bad endings and work on that. Don’t accept it as a personality trait that writes your destiny. You too can have a healthy relationship!
R
imhope, some see the glass as half empty and others see it as half full. I see my tastes in men have come a long, long way. The connection I have/had with J was very promising at the time. I took a chance and put myself out to him and waited. Had I read the signs of his unavailability a little sooner, I may not be in this kind of pain. Or had the timing been different for us, the story might have had a different outcome. Another life lesson. ((sigh)) I don’t see this as bad or a sign I am unhealthy. I just see it as a painful learning experience. I truly felt – and still feel – that we had a special connection and that he is someone I could become serious about. So did everyone who observed us together. However, timing is everything. I could still choose to wait for him if I wanted. But I am not that strong to overcome all the fear and anxiety. Another woman might be. Also, I’m aware of my Libra tendency to idealize relationships. I’ve been doing it since the day I was born. I accept this – it is a beautiful quality though it does cause me pain sometimes. However, if and when I do meet the right man, he will be the luckiest man on earth to have a woman who will always see the best in him and the best in our relationship.
I definitely did relate to this thread and that’s why I posted here. I am just sharing my experiences with the addictive process. I did not specifically ask anyone for advice. If I did, I would have clarified that J is not a sociopath. I cannot help what people assume.
I also want to clarify that I really don’t have a problem cutting someone out of my life. I’ve done it many times. This has been a unique situation because of the social circles we both share and how he has been such a big inescapable part of my budding career as a dance aficionado. Breaking this addiction to him while still seeing him and his friends in my social circle will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. But I think it will make me incredibly strong. The very famous Fleetwood Mac Rumours album which is one of the top 10 albums of all time was made during the period when Stevie Nicks and Mick Fleetwood were splitting up. They continued to work together and channeled their pain into some great music.
I have put a positive spin on this. It’s what I always strive to do. My positive attitude sustains me. As in the movie, The Life of Pi, we choose whatever story we want to believe.
Star~
As long as you’re happy, i’m happy for you! If you see your life and situation as positive then that is what it is! Who could be a better judge than you? I would hate for you to miss the dance that your knight in shining armor might show up…stay strong and keep up the good work!
R
Star – you have been contributing to Lovefraud for a long time, and you are always welcome. Members of the community who came to Lovefraud because they were struggling with a sociopath, and have since recovered and moved on, have much to offer those who are still extricating themselves from the web. All Lovefraud “alumni” are always welcome.
Thanks, Donna. I had hoped I had something to give back to this community. But only if people can receive it in the spirit it is offered. This place saved my life at one time.
Stargazer,
I am a positive person,and I don’t believe in standing in one place too long.In other words,I’ve never been one to revel in misery.So I think it’s great that you can share with us how dancing has brought you joy.I would like to see more posts about how others have managed to find joy in their lives despite the pain they are healing from.I took note that your talking of dance helped 4light to get out and try it~~~so see,your posts are helpful here!But,it might be helpful if you could post your opinions on articles that are posted here as well as support some of the ones who are still struggling~~you have so much to offer!
I dedicate this song ” I Am Woman” by Helen Reddy to the women on this site
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6fHTyVmYp4
Sry guys,maybe you can find a song?!