By | November 18, 2007 32 Comments

Love in the aftermath of a sociopathic encounter

Life continually delivers up opportunities to grow, to learn, to shift my perceptions, to experience new things, to embrace new ideas, to let go and let change happen. Since the sociopath has been gone from my life, the lessons I’ve embraced are ones that support me. They’re lessons that enrich my life with love and laughter.

I’ve been dating C.C. for four months now. Known him for three years. I know who he is. I know his values. His beliefs. I know he is true. And still, sometimes, I feel the fear of the past haunting me.

Recently, I stayed late at the office trying to clear up a project I need to have finished by the end of the month.

It was dark by the time I got home, but the house was lit and welcoming. C.C. had come over earlier to feed the dogs and when I entered he was busy hanging the toilet paper roll holder in the bathroom. The old one had fallen off some time ago and I had not gotten around to replacing it. A delicious aroma of food cooking permeated the air and on the stove a stir fry simmered. The dogs raced to the door to greet me, C.C. gave me a welcoming kiss and I had nothing to do but come in, take off my coat and sit down to a delightful dinner.

What could be more perfect? A handyman and a chef all in one waiting for my home-coming!

Some experiences are so delicious they need to be savoured slowly. After dinner I took the dogs for a walk while C.C. listened to the hockey game on the radio and then left to go play a game of his own.

Coming home to a man who is doing things for me is a unique experience. Never had that happen with the sociopath. I was always doing for him. I was always the one cramming everything in, continually taking care of what needed to be done so that he could relax, destress. unwind. To have someone do that for me is a new experience. A new sensation.

And sometimes, that can be scary.

Consciously, I know the past is not the future — unless I make it so. My subconscious, however, doesn’t always keep time with my heart beat in the moment. Sometimes, my inner voice, that beast inside who gets scared when I step out of the narrow corridors of its comfort zone, whispers disruptive comments like, “Uh. Uh. And why is he doing that? What’s he want? Don’t trust this sensation. You’ve never experienced it before. It can’t be trusted.”

Sometimes, the beast can be even more strident, blaring alerts like a submarine warning sailors about its imminent dive. “Alert! Alert! Batten down the hatches. Hang on. Get your head down. We’re going under! These waters are too dangerous.”

Sometimes, there’s a lag between what my mind perceives and my heart knows. I know that was then. I know this is now, but my subconscious is still terrified of having the past repeat itself as it perceives me to be busy daydreaming about a different future with a man. Like a soldier who has come back from war with hyper-sensitive responses to any sudden sound or noise, my senses are on hyper-alert, continuously scanning the horizon for signs of disorder and disruptive behaviours that may or may not be a precursor to danger.

I breathe.

Sometimes, things are exactly as they seem. So are people.

I have known C.C. for three years. In that time he has always been a kind, caring, thoughtful, honest and honourable man.

How I perceive him to be is how he is.

My fear is not of him. It is of me. Of trusting in myself, and my feelings. Of trusting that I am safe within me. Of knowing that no matter what in the world happens, I can trust myself to listen to my intuition, to be confident in my heartbeat and know it beats steady, sure and true because I am always safe within me.

That was then. This is now.

In the past, I did not know what I know today about me. About who I am. About how I am. My hungry heart drove me places I dared not go, but went anyway. My hungry heart kept me still when lies abounded and terror reigned. My hungry heart left me at risk of being abused.

Today, my heart is full. Today, I love myself, exactly the way I am. I accept myself, warts and all, as the perfectly awesome human being that I am, because the truth is, I am perfect in all my imperfections.

Long ago, my fear of never being enough, of never having enough, left me exposed to the attentions of those who were untrue. My fear of being unworthy set me up for the sociopath. It kept me trapped in his web of lies.

Today, my courage keeps me breathing freely as I step surely and confidently into unknown territory. My fear is the opportunity to be courageous. My courage is the gift of love I give myself when I open myself up to having all that I want, and all that I deserve in love and life and living freely.

Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

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This weekend I repeated a pattern I’ve known for 5 years – that of seeing my man (who I feel I’ve loved but have had no real clarity about in terms of where he lives and why he promises to come back up the
hour’s drive the next day with all things we’ll do and then does a no-show.) He always has a reason and calls within the next week or so – in
the past I’ve been sad, mad, or in later years had various reactions yet
continue to get things done while feeling emotionally exhausted. Even if
I call him on his cell – his car broke down, he’ll be up later, etc., etc.
I’m intelligent (IQ-wise), attractive and have wonderful friends but I’ve
slowly cut myself off more and more when I get back together with him.
I just read the book (How to Spot a Dangerous Man) and though I’ve
wrestled with really labeling this person, I can see how certain things fit.
The book is well-written and to the point about all the types of people
(CAN apply to women too)who can suck your energy dry if you let them.
The only chapter I’d liked to have seen was more about EXITING – that is the hardest part and I’m doing therapy and still I have such a hard time saying a real definitive good-bye or not taking his calls. I had to really split after being married briefly to an alcoholic husband and now this relationship has been longer and I’ve felt more bonded to him than anyone else in my life. When he’s with me, we have conversations (along with what seems like wonderful sex) that feel genuine – I just don’t know why he goes to the trouble to say he’ll do all these specific outings with me (I’ve even kidded him and said – is this for real? or said I’d rather he not say these things if he doesn’t plan on following through. Maybe I am bored or lonely everytime I let him back in my door and I’m hooked by the nice times we’ve had when he HAS shown up like he promised. He has been through a number of jobs since I’ve known him – when he is working, he always seems like he stays late, works overtime and yet always seems strapped for cash. I’m not rich and have gotten away from giving him much (a few bucks for gas) here and there. He always seems to be getting back on his feet and as I am doing my best to support myself, I try not to be judgmental about that.

So any comments beyond ‘No Contact”? And I want to thank M.L. and
Donna for sharing their own stories – especially this one of what a good
love down the road can look like. I really needed to see that tonight.

All things are possible in the aftermath of anything, even true love. Sadly the time it takes to get back on your own feet after a relationship with a sociopath is a longer road than we would like, but it’s a reality.

What you describe, we’ve all known. The let-downs, the disappointments, the anger and frustrations that we have felt are all part of their ploy to suck the soul out of us. And when we have nothing left to give, they move on … like a wild animal hunting for new prey. They really are heartless.

As we all pick ourselves up and start putting the shattered remains back together, know this: WE are the ones capable of real love … they aren’t. By virtue of the emotional pain we are all feeling, its that very ‘feeling’ that makes us human. They, on the other hand, will NEVER know real love because they do not have the capacity. No matter how happy they might appear … as much as their lives are a self-created illusion, so is any other relationship they get into. They might appear happy and balanced but in the depths of their sick minds there is no happiness … because everyone, eventually hates them!! That’s why we are the ones hurting and they seemingly ‘walk on’. They will forever be ‘walking on’ restlessly, seeking out new victims… because there is no peace nor is there any truth in the sociopathic mind.

Beyond “No Contact” … this is the hardest thing for all of us. The biggest personal challenge we might ever experience in this lifetime. The stories posted on this site, as cathartic as the writings are, all boil down to the same thing … how do I forget? how do I forgive? how do I move on?

Can I …
Forget – never
Forgive – maybe
Move on … hell yes !!

My psycho is still very much in my head on a daily basis and it infuriates me because my life is STILL being robbed from me …. and who is allowing that? … I am.

For me personally, as much activity as possible, new people, new places, new conversation. Even just a drive in the car and a conscious creation of new things to think about. As little time as possible alone because it’s in those moments when our minds are ‘still’ that the psycho creeps back in and takes over again, and again…. and again.

Love and trust will eventually find its way back into my life. It has taken one bad apple to ‘foul’ every part of my natural mind but I refuse to allow this blatant thievery to continue. Chances are, our psycho’s have hit the delete button in their minds where we are concerned yet we are the ones still carrying the pain.

You’ll never ‘let it go’ … none of us will. As time passes the pain will ease but the experience has been part of our lives. We will rise above this eventually and we we will learn from this experience … and hopefully, since we have been through ‘boot camp’ ; we know the signs that many new victims have yet to learn … we will NEVER be caught like this again … unless we don’t learn from this.

Lift your head high, rummage a smile from that most hurt part of you and walk tall … you, and I, and every other victim, past, present or future is better than them. If we weren’t ‘better’ we would not have fallen into the trap.

Walk on … walk tall … and say “screw you buddy, i am bigger and better than this.”


Thanks, Buzzibee. I went to city today where he lives and didn’t call(I had other business there) – I usually just go ahead with my life though sometimes I wonder if I haven’t fueled the fire by not (underline Not) being more confrontational. At times I think I learned to Detach too well from my time with Al-Anon yet in the long run it’s probably the best policy and I don’t want to have to pursue or try to convince someone to
be more giving to the relationship. And I avoid drama now as I had enough of that for a short time in the past. But I wish I’d not flip-flopped my boundaries here and there and had stayed strong throughout with
him on what I expected in the way of respect and consideration.

I can’t see him as a villain, I know he does struggle with his life. I’ve made my choices and have had long enough to see how he reacts to situations. He has his reasons for being the way he is and it ‘s not for me to judge him – I don’t feel any of us are “better” than a person we might label a sociopath or narcissist – we’re all just wired differently and have had different family and environment backgrounds – it’s just our choice whether we can love someone like that and not sacrifice our own feelings and goals in life. I’ve said to myself at times that I’d rather have him the little bit that I do but more and more it’s not enough – I do want the whole healthy picture. Enough said, off to bed.


To persephone7:

Forgive me as I am a straight talker but I think by refusing to call a sociopath a sociopath and instead not wanting to judge… therein lies the problem.

It shows that you are a compassionate and loving person. You are a perfect match for a guy like this because you won’t put down a boundary and say no and mean it. Instead, you will exhaust your energy trying to understand him, help him, be patient with him, make no demands on him.

You are PERFECT for him.

I hope you know that I am saying this with all due respect because I have worn those shoes, walked that path. I do not know your circumstances but in my case, refusing to call it what it was prolonged the pain. At the time, I did not have the knowledge I have now about personality disorders and sociopaths but I did know that I was being disrespected, abused, manipulated, lied to, lied about, stalked, harassed… etc.

I made excuses for a man that was treating me in a way that was unacceptable. Instead of laying down a boundary and saying “NO”… I tried to understand his background, his thoughts, his upbringing, his family of origin, his religious beliefs… blah blah.

In relationships, honest people deserve some slack. And it takes time to work out the kinks sometimes… but there are things that I know now are NOT ACCEPTABLE.

I would say a consistent pattern of letting you down, blowing you off, no shows and inconsiderate explanations (i.e. one week later) is enough to cut the cord as M.L. Gallagher says and take a stand for what you deserve. You deserve so much more. Five years of data on this person is enough.

Being with a person like that will wear you down and I suspect you are not really sure you deserve more or that you have lost hope that you can find a man that will care for you more than that. You will. The first step is kicking this guy out of your life.

At the risk of being TOTALLY tacky, I am going to quote myself from the essay I wrote that was posted on LoveFraud about a month ago…

“Accepting the label that fits has helped me tremendously to let go of the fake *love* he offered. I can see that his every action was simply a manipulation to get what he wanted out of me, and that my well being and happiness were NEVER on his agenda. You can bet that these things are top priority for me now.”

I hope that rings something inside of you. Truly, my heart goes out to you. I do understand so much about putting up with not-enough… not-even-close-to-enough. You deserve more!!!

Good luck… and I am going to say it even though you don’t think it’s the answer… NO CONTACT! :o)

All the best to you!
Aloha………. E.R.


I could spend my days focused on my work instead of his latest “career” crisis ”. or, I could have married the buffoon.

I could be free from daily reports from the “firm snitch” — whose major contribution is spying on his partners, or, I could have married the buffoon.

I could have conversations with my spouse about his real career instead of about the latest attempts at rumor-mongering”..or, I could have married the buffoon.

I could invest in a mature relationship that develops and grows with honesty, integrity and fidelity”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

I could be with someone who doesn’t need to be the center of attention all the time, at all events, to the point of being boorish and embarrassing”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

I could have a husband who will share my loves and whose loves I will share. I will not be forced to live his life and his life only ”“ lock, stock and barrel—or, I could have married the buffoon.

I will proudly introduce my spouse to friends and colleagues, without fear of spontaneous, inappropriate, juvenile theatrics”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

I will be able to trust in the promises made to me”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

If I am unwittingly hurtful or act stupidly, those hurts will be expressed so that I can avoid repeating them. They will not be not sequestered in a secret vault and dropped on me without warning”..or, I could have married the buffoon.

When we share the day’s events over wine and dinner, I’ll be able to trust that what I’m told about his world is TRUE”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

I will keep my friends. My spouse and I will develop new friendships together. Friends will be loved and cherished and supported and not used as props or audiences for him”..or, I could have married the buffoon.

I will make mistakes, hurt people sometimes and suffer hurts. Still, I will be comforted and supported and helped to be better and do better”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

I will not have to spend soooo much energy re-inflating a delicate, fragile, flaccid”.ummm”.ego”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

My husband’s family will love and respect him and vice versa”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

If my lover is religious, it will be based on beliefs honestly held and not on self-promotional exhibitionism”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

When my love invites me to dinner, we will not spend significant time reviewing, reviewing, reviewing all the menu items that are not compatible with the diet-of-the-weird”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

I will not have to pretend to ignore the obvious disapproval and revulsion that registered on faces when they heard I was with him”..or, I could have married the buffoon.

I could live in a clean home, a neat home, a home about which I’m proud, without having to fight constantly against mess and mayhem”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

I could converse with my dearest love ”“ managing to relay an entire thought ”“ without being interrupted for a Blackberry session”..or, I could have married the buffoon.

I will be able to get dressed in the morning without a wait of 30, then 60, then 90 minutes for the bathroom “beauty treatment” (aka oblutions) to conclude”..or, I could have married the buffoon.

My husband’s intellect will be admired as a gift to him and as a tool he uses wisely and well”..or, I could have married the buffoon.

I can collect and display art ”“ original art ”“ unique art ”“ good art ”“ instead of being expected to cover my walls with college theatrical posters”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

When performing arts are experienced, there will not be a blistering, microscopic, monologic, officious, joy-destroying critique to endure ”.or, I could have married the buffoon.

I will explore nature ”“ sun, sea, wildlife”for more than 10 minutes at a time”.or I could have married the buffoon.

Yes, I could have married the buffoon ”“ almost did. Fortunately, thanks to his inability to relate normally to all other human beings”.I did not.


To Buzzibee(‘thanks’ was not an adequate response), M.L. and Aloha Traveler – I can’t say how much all your responses mean to me and it hits home more than anything a therapist or even close friend could say as I know you truly get it. And you’re right – I’ve known the last two times that I was more of a spectator to what was going on and that this is someone who I really can’t deal with anymore – I have to label him at the very least as ‘sick’ and if I stay on, then that’s what I am too. It just makes you so sad to recognize this in someone you’ve placed foremost in your thoughts and heart – and to realize the illusion you’ve created. But blah blah blah is also right, I’m trying now to figure out where I want to be (even literally) and to not be too hard on myself in the process. I may be back on this page but for now thanks so much for taking the time and effort in responding, not just to me but to everyone struggling. And straight talk is good, it’s what we all want and need anyway and I will work with the golden scissors, it’s a great image.


I hadn’t seen the entry by Mylife3point0 – so good. The Real World…



I am so glad this helped. I have written before: The only way to win is to forfeit the game.

Aloha… E.R.


I also found that the only people who can understand the consequences of dealing with sociopaths, are those who actually EXPERIENCED sociopaths themselves. Everyone else is just saying “Oh…forget it, just move on with your life”.

How can you move on when you discover that your whole marriage was “fake”, all credentials were faked, that such thing as “cheating”happened on daily basis, while YOU were taking care of sociopath’s needs. How can you move on when you start talking with sociopath’s friends and discover all crap sociopath was talking about you all this time…

After all I have done to my ex-sociopath she is trying to sue me for spousal support and I had to pay crap-load of money to my attorney…

It is god damn hard to move on…even though I have no kids, no money, no property, was married under 2 years, and my ex-did not steal any of my money. I cannot even imagine how it is when you have kids, property, lost your money etc…it must feel horrible 🙁


I’ll do my best to snip…Thanksgiving will be alone for me, my kids are both in great relationships and busy and I’m glad for them, a kind of
family legacy seems to have been broken with their happiness and success in their love matches. And that can still be the case with me…

Today I spent the morning with friends near a beautiful creek – fall colors all around, and held a friend’s new grandson who is only 4 months old. He was fussy and I walked him down to the creek and kept talking to him softly and he quieted down. There was one pretty mallard duck who swam close to us and we both watched it – the little boy gripped my finger with his little hand and soon 11 more ducks (I counted!) headed our way from upstream. It was so grounding to hold that baby – I realized I hadn’t held a child or had that pleasant feeling for years!

That was such a gift to me today – life can be renewed, I know that. We’re all so fragile yet so connected – I don’t know how to finish the
thought but it doesn’t matter. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Here’s a pair of golden scissors for everyone reading this … conscious re-wiring of our own thought processes is the way to go and the imagery of the scissors is the best way to cut yourself from the attachments. Imagine a cord plugged into you … so pull it out … pull out the plug, cut it off .. as often as you need to and keep doing it until …. until it stays cut!! It will take time but repititious mental action WILL eventually have an effect….

God speed to all of us in recovery … the sooner the better … no more mental thievery and torture.


Just wondering – can someone call your cellphone without it’s ringing? This was not a text message, the volume was up and I’m quite sure I
was in the house when it should have rung…and it seems like this has
happened before (with the person in question – the man.) Have not called back – voicemail says he loves me, to call back – this after 6 days
silence and a no-show/call after he came up last week – and that was
the reason I got the nerve to say something on this blog!

I know you all say ‘No Contact’ – however, after 5 years I feel I want to
acknowledge and talk to him without suddenly breaking it off with no
explanation on my end. After that, I could stick with it and he would also
have less reason to get angry as well.


You don’t have to respond…I realize how stupid this sounds. Sometimes I think I’ve wanted to give him an extreme label or put him in the various categories when he may have a problem with alcohol like
my second husband and that’s really the simple reason he doesn’t follow through -and he can cover that up long distance in a way he couldn’t if he was close by. I actually felt fine today and got some good work on a project done, took a walk with a girlfriend on this pretty day (and didn’t talk about this)- turned down invites to dinner, just felt like being alone as the next few days have commitments and social things happening. I’m just trying to keep busy but give myself a chance to be quiet too and
not go off in too many directions while this passes.

I hope it is not inappropriate to write down some of these thoughts. I go
to see the therapist tomorrow so will talk to him and discuss some new
goals to go after and ideas for getting other areas of my life in order.


To Persephone,

ML is right and I know what she is talking about. There was a long period of time when I said I never wanted to see or speak to the Bad Man again but inside, I didn’t believe myself.

I had the opportunity to go back to Maui to visit friends earlier this year (April) but I didn’t for various reasons. I am glad I didn’t because at that time, I was lieing to myself and I knew it. I knew inside that if I saw him, I would not be able to resist speaking with him nor would I be able to resist calling him to set up a meeting. Incidentally, in April of this year, it had been almost 2 years since I had left Maui and I was still struggling with my feelings of conflict over this man.

I finally visited Maui this past October, but something had changed. What changed was that I saw what he was once and for all and I realized that he WAS NOT what I thought.
I fell in love with the man he said he was in the beginning but he never was that man. I accept that now, 100%. I went to Maui and it makes me sick to admit it but I had a few impulses to call him but… I DIDN’T! And I felt triumphant and more whole as I flew away on that plane to go back home.

I don’t have any more pieces of me to give that man. I want all of me back.

I didn’t have the last word with him. The last word was no word… just *silence*.

No contact, no game, game-is-rained-out-today-and-every-other-day-for-the-rest-of-your-life… forfeit the game.

Don’t play a game with him or yourself.

It is a really sick, cruel, mind game and it hurts so bad. I really really know that. Things will get better just as soon as you put your bat down and go home.

Sometimes, it’s harder to identify that we are being abused if there is no physical abuse or verbal abuse… but this game that your man is playing on you is very abusive.

Ask youself, “Would I ever do _____ to someone that I cared about?”

I have to believe that you found this site for a reason and your man really is one of those labels you are avoiding.

Saying good bye will only make you vulnerable to more manipulation. You will not get any validation you might be seeking, nor will he give you the satisfaction of being the one to put an end to the “relationship.” Most likely, if he thinks you are serious, he will turn the tables on you and tell you he is leaving you (not that he ever really was there for you anyway) and that will leave you filled with more self doubt and wondering what you ever did to deserve that.

Silence is golden.

Aloha…… E.R.


Thanks ML and Aloha – you both come through as wonderful women(and
writers as well!)

Just got back from a long day and did have session with therapist – and I told him of this blog – he thought it was very good for healing and inspiration – and of course agrees with the idea of ending this relationship, labels or no labels. When I made some mention of a behavior on the part of this man that I thought was better than an alternative, he (the therapist) said, ‘Why would you set the bar so low?’ And I think that is what we all have done, whether it is to self-punish – perhaps for something ages-old in our past and psyche, or just that being abused (in any way) does get
to be a kind of comfort zone. And as he also said – people are afraid of
change, no matter what kind. And if a person can get over humiliation and approach the world without fearing humiliation, whole new worlds open up. I know that with age, I am better and better at the sport I play
as I don’t give my ‘performance’ so much importance – I still play to the best of my ability, but my head and emotions don’t fight what my body and training knows how to do.

I get out of my own way.

I haven’t called him and may not – I am thinking about what my motivation is on this ML and also know that Aloha is right about not
playing any more games – I think I’ve been addicted to the drama of
having this on again/off again situation so I’m a game-player too.
For now, I’m giving myself the gift of silence – it isn’t like he hasn’t left
me hanging many times!



In taking steps toward healing you are helping me to heal too.

I will be thinking of you and sending you big giant bubbles of strength!

Aloha… E.R.

This website has been such a blessing the last month, thank you all for sharing your experiences. As I try to recover from a relatively brief (four months) encounter with a borderline/sociopath that almost ruined my life, I can’t get over how hard it is to get through the emotional devastation. Although all the red flags were there from the beginning, and he basically told me what he was, I still attributed it all to his pitiful stories. I have seen sociopaths up close (nephew, wife of a friend) but still fell for this guy because he seemed so honest, although clearly with emotional problems. The flat-out lie was that he lived with roommates and wasn’t involved with anyone…until his wife called my cell phone when he was with me. Then he first tried to say it was a roommate he had been involved with before me, then after I heard her message and confronted him he said they were separated. Needless to say, they are very much married. They married in November and he began hitting on me in May.

The phone call was a month ago, and I’ve only talked to him twice (and to his wife twice). I’ve never called him (but then I didn’t call him when we were together, he had that control). I’ve been alternating between kicking myself for not seeing it when it was there in front of me, relief that I don’t have the anxiety of waiting for his daily phone call, missing him terribly, fear that he’s following me, grieving that I’ll never have those amazing feelings I had with him again. I know what he is, I know (because bascially he told me with his stories of past relationships and his wife told me about herself) his targets are older, nurturing women who can financially/influentially benefit him. I feel guilty for not telling his wife everything, especially that I think he’s already identified his next target at the school he works at. But I’m afraid…if you push a crazy person there’s no telling and I have family to protect (he was my son’s teacher, although he graduated last year, so he knows him).

I’m trying to get through each day, amazed at the emotional damage done in such a short amount of time. I’m hoping I’m strong enough, and that he continues to stay away. It’s been two weeks with no contact. Whenever I feel weak, I read all of your wonderful posts, read “the Sociopath Next Door” or watch movies with sociopaths to remind myself that he is scary. I’m going to try the golden scissors, if I can just stop thinking about him so much I think I’ll be able to recover much faster.



Be so glad you’ve only been into your situation 4 months! Mine has been over 5 years – and there are what seem to be some nice memories but it’s only now hitting me how little I’ve gotten from it and how much suffering and wasted time it has cost me. And sure there’s another older, nurturing woman out there – why should you be the enabler and let your own good energy be sucked dry? I also wish I’d had (or even
have now) the clarity of knowing what has really been going on with him with a wife or girlfriend calling, etc. I still question myself that perhaps if I had the larger picture I’d fault myself for being ‘hard’ on him. So you’ve had the good fortune of having things pretty well spelled out for you.

And yes, it’s so hard getting over someone – but in your case, do it right the first time (like NOW) and don’t look back!

Oh, those golden scissors…We’re all sending each other strength!


What can I say? Knowledge is power. The more I read and inform myself about the personality of a psychopath the more I thank God for everything He is been done in my life. We can consider ourselves survivors and blessed people, because God gave us the opportunity to free ourselves from the evil. There still millions of people living under control and oppressed by this snakes and don’t have a clue off what they’re dealing with. I still on the early stages of my healing process after I broke up two months ago with the evil one I was with for almost seven years. I was married for eighteen years with the father of my daughters. I met this ex-boyfriend one year after my divorce and I can say with all certainty that the last six years were the worst in my life. I feel emotionally tired. He was sucking out all the energy of my soul. It is like I’m waking up off a long nightmare. On the back of my mind I knew something was wrong with him but I didn’t know what. He doesn’t drink or do drugs. He was not the violent type, but I wish he was because I would walk out long time ago after the first slap, which would save me a lot of pain. He was worst. He had a clever and elaborate method of displaying is aggressiveness and psychological torture. His method of torture it was to kill my self-confidence, criticizing everything I say, the way I walk and talk, eat, dress, everything, correcting my slights mistakes all the time. I started thinking twice before I opened my mouth to say something especially in public to avoid problems and verbal abuse. He use to give me the “torture of silence”, (I call it), which was to talk to me only in front of friends to show them that we’re the perfect couple. As soon as we’re alone “there’s no talks” sometimes for days. I was never good enough. I never knew who will wake up beside me the next morning. I would go to bed with Mr. Sweet and wake up with Mr. Sour the next morning. (No talks today!)
The worst part is that your friends and family don’t understand why you’re complain because …”He is such a charming and nice guy, Soft-spoken, articulate, he even goes to church and everything, everybody loves him” … You scream but nobody listen to you.
He manipulates everybody; to makes you feel “the foul one” on other people’s eyes. Everything he does is in a very cold and calculated manner. Besides all that he cheated, lied, tried to take many financial advantages of me. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I started questioning my sanity. I didn’t know why I couldn’t finish the relationship and break free and away of him.
Finally God gave me the strength to do it after I learned about his last cheating. After I cut all contact with him, he went crazy. His first reaction it was to continue with the lie, but because it didn’t work this time he decided to offer me trips, gifts, begged me to go back and work on the relationship again. Still didn’t work, decide to accuse me to create the all story for my convenience. Still didn’t work start begging my family and friends to convince me to go back to him. Still didn’t, work told my friends that he was having heart problems because I left him and even was seeing doctors and so on. Still didn’t work went to the priest in his Church to confess that he actually cheated on me, and finally came to confess to me the same, and asking me to forgive him using the exercise off my Christianity. He was not lucky this time, because I was already getting myself powerful with knowledge about his evil personality through this site and after reading Dr Hare’s book. Finally all my questions of all this years were answered. If this is a “disease” I think only hell is the treatment for this people.


Hello Pitanga,

Thanks for sharing your story. I loved to see “still didn’t work” over and over.

This is a triumph for you and all that come here to heal. You are a wonderful example of putting knowledge into ACTION! You are an example of being-out-of-denial!

You are on the fast track to healing!

Aloha, E.R.


Thanks for that story and all the others. It really helps to have someone relate to what you are feeling–like the huge emotional damage after a relatively short time.

Even though my relationship with this creep has been over for 6 months, and only lasted 6 months to begin with, I’m not like I was before we met.

I have read Hare and several other good books. I had therapy and completely stopped any personal contact. I have no choice but to see him every week or two in my church group–he did catch me alone once during the last 6 months, and he immediately started trying to manipulate me–but it didn’t work.

He can’t influence me anymore, and he seems to sense that. I am not leaving my church group–he is the one who drifted in a year ago, and he can bloody well drift out again–I am not giving up bonds with people I have trusted for over 20 years. He should leave–that is what I am praying for.

Last week I met someone truly kind and wonderful who wants to be with me–he is truly interested in me.

He is not pretending to be interested so he can control and use me for his own personal gain and gratification. Yet I am really struggling with those awful feelings of fear and mistrust. When he said he cared for me, my thought was, “what are you after?”

It isn’t fair to this guy to not trust him, but I guess I’m still shell shocked from that horrible realization of the depth of deception that I was subjected to. I’m also angry all over again because the creep robbed me of ability to trust.

My new friend doesn’t know about this horrific relationship. I keep telling myself I will get past it, but I am worried. I hope I don’t blow it with my crazy thinking (that is, sane thinking with regard to the creep but crazy for everyone else).

Thanks for letting me vent.



Mine too is active in a church group, one of the very appealing factors that sucked me in. Just a reminder to all of us that they are everywhere! The golden scissors technique mentioned above has been helpful in trying to get the loser out of your head, you might want to try it. We will all get through this, and be stronger for it :).



I totally understand your fears about trusting and being angry that your ability to trust has been damaged. I will propose this for myself… I think my ability to trust was a bit off before I met the Bad Man. Giving all my trust so quickly to people was dangerous. I think it shows that I had unhealthy boundaries. I have a friend that is so cautious and protective of his family and I used to think that was strange. Now I see the wisdom in it.

It’s great that you met someone that is interested in you for YOU. I have someone in my life like that too but I am taking it slow and I feel that I am building a relationship based on something real and not on my girlhood fantasies anymore.

Anyway, that’s just my two cents. I am glad you are here “venting.” Whatever it takes… and I receive something from all of the sharing and venting that I find here. It all helps me to get more and more clear on what my lessons were and it makes me feel… not alone.

Think about embracing the idea that you may have been changed forever by this event in your life but the new you is smarter, more mature and wiser. These are all good things.

Lastly, my encounter was with a man who was formerly the self proclaimed “Minister of Compassion.” We should not give people our full trust because of some religious affiliation. They are just people and Sociopaths LOVE the cover of these kinds of titles because it makes even less work for them to suck people in.

Aloha… E.R.

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