Life continually delivers up opportunities to grow, to learn, to shift my perceptions, to experience new things, to embrace new ideas, to let go and let change happen. Since the sociopath has been gone from my life, the lessons I’ve embraced are ones that support me. They’re lessons that enrich my life with love and laughter.
I’ve been dating C.C. for four months now. Known him for three years. I know who he is. I know his values. His beliefs. I know he is true. And still, sometimes, I feel the fear of the past haunting me.
Recently, I stayed late at the office trying to clear up a project I need to have finished by the end of the month.
It was dark by the time I got home, but the house was lit and welcoming. C.C. had come over earlier to feed the dogs and when I entered he was busy hanging the toilet paper roll holder in the bathroom. The old one had fallen off some time ago and I had not gotten around to replacing it. A delicious aroma of food cooking permeated the air and on the stove a stir fry simmered. The dogs raced to the door to greet me, C.C. gave me a welcoming kiss and I had nothing to do but come in, take off my coat and sit down to a delightful dinner.
What could be more perfect? A handyman and a chef all in one waiting for my home-coming!
Some experiences are so delicious they need to be savoured slowly. After dinner I took the dogs for a walk while C.C. listened to the hockey game on the radio and then left to go play a game of his own.
Coming home to a man who is doing things for me is a unique experience. Never had that happen with the sociopath. I was always doing for him. I was always the one cramming everything in, continually taking care of what needed to be done so that he could relax, destress. unwind. To have someone do that for me is a new experience. A new sensation.
And sometimes, that can be scary.
Consciously, I know the past is not the future — unless I make it so. My subconscious, however, doesn’t always keep time with my heart beat in the moment. Sometimes, my inner voice, that beast inside who gets scared when I step out of the narrow corridors of its comfort zone, whispers disruptive comments like, “Uh. Uh. And why is he doing that? What’s he want? Don’t trust this sensation. You’ve never experienced it before. It can’t be trusted.”
Sometimes, the beast can be even more strident, blaring alerts like a submarine warning sailors about its imminent dive. “Alert! Alert! Batten down the hatches. Hang on. Get your head down. We’re going under! These waters are too dangerous.”
Sometimes, there’s a lag between what my mind perceives and my heart knows. I know that was then. I know this is now, but my subconscious is still terrified of having the past repeat itself as it perceives me to be busy daydreaming about a different future with a man. Like a soldier who has come back from war with hyper-sensitive responses to any sudden sound or noise, my senses are on hyper-alert, continuously scanning the horizon for signs of disorder and disruptive behaviours that may or may not be a precursor to danger.
I breathe.
Sometimes, things are exactly as they seem. So are people.
I have known C.C. for three years. In that time he has always been a kind, caring, thoughtful, honest and honourable man.
How I perceive him to be is how he is.
My fear is not of him. It is of me. Of trusting in myself, and my feelings. Of trusting that I am safe within me. Of knowing that no matter what in the world happens, I can trust myself to listen to my intuition, to be confident in my heartbeat and know it beats steady, sure and true because I am always safe within me.
That was then. This is now.
In the past, I did not know what I know today about me. About who I am. About how I am. My hungry heart drove me places I dared not go, but went anyway. My hungry heart kept me still when lies abounded and terror reigned. My hungry heart left me at risk of being abused.
Today, my heart is full. Today, I love myself, exactly the way I am. I accept myself, warts and all, as the perfectly awesome human being that I am, because the truth is, I am perfect in all my imperfections.
Long ago, my fear of never being enough, of never having enough, left me exposed to the attentions of those who were untrue. My fear of being unworthy set me up for the sociopath. It kept me trapped in his web of lies.
Today, my courage keeps me breathing freely as I step surely and confidently into unknown territory. My fear is the opportunity to be courageous. My courage is the gift of love I give myself when I open myself up to having all that I want, and all that I deserve in love and life and living freely.
This weekend I repeated a pattern I’ve known for 5 years – that of seeing my man (who I feel I’ve loved but have had no real clarity about in terms of where he lives and why he promises to come back up the
hour’s drive the next day with all things we’ll do and then does a no-show.) He always has a reason and calls within the next week or so – in
the past I’ve been sad, mad, or in later years had various reactions yet
continue to get things done while feeling emotionally exhausted. Even if
I call him on his cell – his car broke down, he’ll be up later, etc., etc.
I’m intelligent (IQ-wise), attractive and have wonderful friends but I’ve
slowly cut myself off more and more when I get back together with him.
I just read the book (How to Spot a Dangerous Man) and though I’ve
wrestled with really labeling this person, I can see how certain things fit.
The book is well-written and to the point about all the types of people
(CAN apply to women too)who can suck your energy dry if you let them.
The only chapter I’d liked to have seen was more about EXITING – that is the hardest part and I’m doing therapy and still I have such a hard time saying a real definitive good-bye or not taking his calls. I had to really split after being married briefly to an alcoholic husband and now this relationship has been longer and I’ve felt more bonded to him than anyone else in my life. When he’s with me, we have conversations (along with what seems like wonderful sex) that feel genuine – I just don’t know why he goes to the trouble to say he’ll do all these specific outings with me (I’ve even kidded him and said – is this for real? or said I’d rather he not say these things if he doesn’t plan on following through. Maybe I am bored or lonely everytime I let him back in my door and I’m hooked by the nice times we’ve had when he HAS shown up like he promised. He has been through a number of jobs since I’ve known him – when he is working, he always seems like he stays late, works overtime and yet always seems strapped for cash. I’m not rich and have gotten away from giving him much (a few bucks for gas) here and there. He always seems to be getting back on his feet and as I am doing my best to support myself, I try not to be judgmental about that.
So any comments beyond ‘No Contact”? And I want to thank M.L. and
Donna for sharing their own stories – especially this one of what a good
love down the road can look like. I really needed to see that tonight.
All things are possible in the aftermath of anything, even true love. Sadly the time it takes to get back on your own feet after a relationship with a sociopath is a longer road than we would like, but it’s a reality.
What you describe, we’ve all known. The let-downs, the disappointments, the anger and frustrations that we have felt are all part of their ploy to suck the soul out of us. And when we have nothing left to give, they move on … like a wild animal hunting for new prey. They really are heartless.
As we all pick ourselves up and start putting the shattered remains back together, know this: WE are the ones capable of real love … they aren’t. By virtue of the emotional pain we are all feeling, its that very ‘feeling’ that makes us human. They, on the other hand, will NEVER know real love because they do not have the capacity. No matter how happy they might appear … as much as their lives are a self-created illusion, so is any other relationship they get into. They might appear happy and balanced but in the depths of their sick minds there is no happiness … because everyone, eventually hates them!! That’s why we are the ones hurting and they seemingly ‘walk on’. They will forever be ‘walking on’ restlessly, seeking out new victims… because there is no peace nor is there any truth in the sociopathic mind.
Beyond “No Contact” … this is the hardest thing for all of us. The biggest personal challenge we might ever experience in this lifetime. The stories posted on this site, as cathartic as the writings are, all boil down to the same thing … how do I forget? how do I forgive? how do I move on?
Can I …
Forget – never
Forgive – maybe
Move on … hell yes !!
My psycho is still very much in my head on a daily basis and it infuriates me because my life is STILL being robbed from me …. and who is allowing that? … I am.
For me personally, as much activity as possible, new people, new places, new conversation. Even just a drive in the car and a conscious creation of new things to think about. As little time as possible alone because it’s in those moments when our minds are ‘still’ that the psycho creeps back in and takes over again, and again…. and again.
Love and trust will eventually find its way back into my life. It has taken one bad apple to ‘foul’ every part of my natural mind but I refuse to allow this blatant thievery to continue. Chances are, our psycho’s have hit the delete button in their minds where we are concerned yet we are the ones still carrying the pain.
You’ll never ‘let it go’ … none of us will. As time passes the pain will ease but the experience has been part of our lives. We will rise above this eventually and we we will learn from this experience … and hopefully, since we have been through ‘boot camp’ ; we know the signs that many new victims have yet to learn … we will NEVER be caught like this again … unless we don’t learn from this.
Lift your head high, rummage a smile from that most hurt part of you and walk tall … you, and I, and every other victim, past, present or future is better than them. If we weren’t ‘better’ we would not have fallen into the trap.
Walk on … walk tall … and say “screw you buddy, i am bigger and better than this.”
Thanks, Buzzibee. I went to city today where he lives and didn’t call(I had other business there) – I usually just go ahead with my life though sometimes I wonder if I haven’t fueled the fire by not (underline Not) being more confrontational. At times I think I learned to Detach too well from my time with Al-Anon yet in the long run it’s probably the best policy and I don’t want to have to pursue or try to convince someone to
be more giving to the relationship. And I avoid drama now as I had enough of that for a short time in the past. But I wish I’d not flip-flopped my boundaries here and there and had stayed strong throughout with
him on what I expected in the way of respect and consideration.
I can’t see him as a villain, I know he does struggle with his life. I’ve made my choices and have had long enough to see how he reacts to situations. He has his reasons for being the way he is and it ‘s not for me to judge him – I don’t feel any of us are “better” than a person we might label a sociopath or narcissist – we’re all just wired differently and have had different family and environment backgrounds – it’s just our choice whether we can love someone like that and not sacrifice our own feelings and goals in life. I’ve said to myself at times that I’d rather have him the little bit that I do but more and more it’s not enough – I do want the whole healthy picture. Enough said, off to bed.
Great words of encouragement, hope and strength, Buzzibee! Thank you.
Persephone, one of the things I do BEFORE I get in my car and drive somehwere, or pick up the phone, or do anything that might put me in contact with someone I know is toxic for me, is ask myself, “What do I want more of in my life?” and then, I ask, “Does …….. (seeing him, calling him, driving by his house, etc.) get me more of what I want, or less of what I want?”
I believe one of the challenges that I had to overcome was my habitual need to do things that undermined my happiness, my success, my peace of mind. Because I believed I deserved what he gave me, I kept myself trapped in getting what he gave me.
Truth is, no one deserves to be ignored. No one deserves to be discarded, treated with indignity. No one deserves to be abused.
But, we do let those things happen in our lives when we don’t claim our right to be the magnificent human beings we are.
You wrote, “I’ve said to myself at times that I’d rather have him the little bit that I do but more and more it’s not enough – I do want the whole healthy picture.”
In making that choice, you get to stand up tall and be accountable for yourself.
The habit of taking what he gives is a self-defeating game that keeps you trapped in believing he has the right to treat you like he does.
He doesn’t.
Whether you flip-flopped boundaries in the past, doesn’t matter today. Treating yourself with respect and consideration today is what will make the difference to your future.
In your mind can you imagine taking a huge pair of golden scissors and snipping the silken bonds that connect you to him? For me, that was very powerful in the first throes of recovery from the sociopath. I kept snipping, snipping, snipping. Every time a thought of him snuck into my head, I’d stop, take out my scissors and snip. Then I imagined weaving a tapestry of my beautiful life without him in it. Every time I snipped a thread of thoughts of him, I’d weave a beautiful thread of vibrant colour into my tapestry.
I’m a visual thinker so for me, that exercise was really powerful.
Ultimately — the choice is ours. What do we want? Are we willing to be committed to do what it takes to have the life of our dreams? Are we willing to unhook our psyches from unhealthy choices.
Whether he’s a villain or not doesn’t change what you need to do. For me, it was extremely important at the beginning to not even try to label him — I had to focus on me, myself and I. Trying to define his behaviours kept me stuck in thinking of him. so — I focused on mine. On what I was doing, thinking, being. I kept my thoughts focused on me. Whenever he eroded my peace of mind — I snipped!
Today, I don’t think of him as anything other than the catalyst to my freedom. This morning, as I wrote my gratitude list, I named that encounter as something I am grateful for. So much good has come out of the aftermath that I am grateful for my life today — in ways I could never have imagined before.
Keep doing what is right and loving and caring of you Persephone. Keep turning up for you — and let him take care of himself. You deserve your undivided attention. You deserve your loving care.
M.L.
To persephone7:
Forgive me as I am a straight talker but I think by refusing to call a sociopath a sociopath and instead not wanting to judge… therein lies the problem.
It shows that you are a compassionate and loving person. You are a perfect match for a guy like this because you won’t put down a boundary and say no and mean it. Instead, you will exhaust your energy trying to understand him, help him, be patient with him, make no demands on him.
You are PERFECT for him.
I hope you know that I am saying this with all due respect because I have worn those shoes, walked that path. I do not know your circumstances but in my case, refusing to call it what it was prolonged the pain. At the time, I did not have the knowledge I have now about personality disorders and sociopaths but I did know that I was being disrespected, abused, manipulated, lied to, lied about, stalked, harassed… etc.
I made excuses for a man that was treating me in a way that was unacceptable. Instead of laying down a boundary and saying “NO”… I tried to understand his background, his thoughts, his upbringing, his family of origin, his religious beliefs… blah blah.
In relationships, honest people deserve some slack. And it takes time to work out the kinks sometimes… but there are things that I know now are NOT ACCEPTABLE.
I would say a consistent pattern of letting you down, blowing you off, no shows and inconsiderate explanations (i.e. one week later) is enough to cut the cord as M.L. Gallagher says and take a stand for what you deserve. You deserve so much more. Five years of data on this person is enough.
Being with a person like that will wear you down and I suspect you are not really sure you deserve more or that you have lost hope that you can find a man that will care for you more than that. You will. The first step is kicking this guy out of your life.
At the risk of being TOTALLY tacky, I am going to quote myself from the essay I wrote that was posted on LoveFraud about a month ago…
“Accepting the label that fits has helped me tremendously to let go of the fake *love* he offered. I can see that his every action was simply a manipulation to get what he wanted out of me, and that my well being and happiness were NEVER on his agenda. You can bet that these things are top priority for me now.”
I hope that rings something inside of you. Truly, my heart goes out to you. I do understand so much about putting up with not-enough… not-even-close-to-enough. You deserve more!!!
Good luck… and I am going to say it even though you don’t think it’s the answer… NO CONTACT! :o)
All the best to you!
Aloha………. E.R.
Persephone,
Great advice — and very true!
Thanks.
ML
I could spend my days focused on my work instead of his latest “career” crisis ”. or, I could have married the buffoon.
I could be free from daily reports from the “firm snitch” — whose major contribution is spying on his partners, or, I could have married the buffoon.
I could have conversations with my spouse about his real career instead of about the latest attempts at rumor-mongering”..or, I could have married the buffoon.
I could invest in a mature relationship that develops and grows with honesty, integrity and fidelity”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
I could be with someone who doesn’t need to be the center of attention all the time, at all events, to the point of being boorish and embarrassing”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
I could have a husband who will share my loves and whose loves I will share. I will not be forced to live his life and his life only ”“ lock, stock and barrel—or, I could have married the buffoon.
I will proudly introduce my spouse to friends and colleagues, without fear of spontaneous, inappropriate, juvenile theatrics”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
I will be able to trust in the promises made to me”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
If I am unwittingly hurtful or act stupidly, those hurts will be expressed so that I can avoid repeating them. They will not be not sequestered in a secret vault and dropped on me without warning”..or, I could have married the buffoon.
When we share the day’s events over wine and dinner, I’ll be able to trust that what I’m told about his world is TRUE”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
I will keep my friends. My spouse and I will develop new friendships together. Friends will be loved and cherished and supported and not used as props or audiences for him”..or, I could have married the buffoon.
I will make mistakes, hurt people sometimes and suffer hurts. Still, I will be comforted and supported and helped to be better and do better”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
I will not have to spend soooo much energy re-inflating a delicate, fragile, flaccid”.ummm”.ego”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
My husband’s family will love and respect him and vice versa”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
If my lover is religious, it will be based on beliefs honestly held and not on self-promotional exhibitionism”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
When my love invites me to dinner, we will not spend significant time reviewing, reviewing, reviewing all the menu items that are not compatible with the diet-of-the-weird”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
I will not have to pretend to ignore the obvious disapproval and revulsion that registered on faces when they heard I was with him”..or, I could have married the buffoon.
I could live in a clean home, a neat home, a home about which I’m proud, without having to fight constantly against mess and mayhem”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
I could converse with my dearest love ”“ managing to relay an entire thought ”“ without being interrupted for a Blackberry session”..or, I could have married the buffoon.
I will be able to get dressed in the morning without a wait of 30, then 60, then 90 minutes for the bathroom “beauty treatment” (aka oblutions) to conclude”..or, I could have married the buffoon.
My husband’s intellect will be admired as a gift to him and as a tool he uses wisely and well”..or, I could have married the buffoon.
I can collect and display art ”“ original art ”“ unique art ”“ good art ”“ instead of being expected to cover my walls with college theatrical posters”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
When performing arts are experienced, there will not be a blistering, microscopic, monologic, officious, joy-destroying critique to endure ”.or, I could have married the buffoon.
I will explore nature ”“ sun, sea, wildlife”for more than 10 minutes at a time”.or I could have married the buffoon.
Yes, I could have married the buffoon ”“ almost did. Fortunately, thanks to his inability to relate normally to all other human beings”.I did not.
To Buzzibee(‘thanks’ was not an adequate response), M.L. and Aloha Traveler – I can’t say how much all your responses mean to me and it hits home more than anything a therapist or even close friend could say as I know you truly get it. And you’re right – I’ve known the last two times that I was more of a spectator to what was going on and that this is someone who I really can’t deal with anymore – I have to label him at the very least as ‘sick’ and if I stay on, then that’s what I am too. It just makes you so sad to recognize this in someone you’ve placed foremost in your thoughts and heart – and to realize the illusion you’ve created. But blah blah blah is also right, I’m trying now to figure out where I want to be (even literally) and to not be too hard on myself in the process. I may be back on this page but for now thanks so much for taking the time and effort in responding, not just to me but to everyone struggling. And straight talk is good, it’s what we all want and need anyway and I will work with the golden scissors, it’s a great image.
I hadn’t seen the entry by Mylife3point0 – so good. The Real World…
Persephone7,
I am so glad this helped. I have written before: The only way to win is to forfeit the game.
Aloha… E.R.