Life continually delivers up opportunities to grow, to learn, to shift my perceptions, to experience new things, to embrace new ideas, to let go and let change happen. Since the sociopath has been gone from my life, the lessons I’ve embraced are ones that support me. They’re lessons that enrich my life with love and laughter.
I’ve been dating C.C. for four months now. Known him for three years. I know who he is. I know his values. His beliefs. I know he is true. And still, sometimes, I feel the fear of the past haunting me.
Recently, I stayed late at the office trying to clear up a project I need to have finished by the end of the month.
It was dark by the time I got home, but the house was lit and welcoming. C.C. had come over earlier to feed the dogs and when I entered he was busy hanging the toilet paper roll holder in the bathroom. The old one had fallen off some time ago and I had not gotten around to replacing it. A delicious aroma of food cooking permeated the air and on the stove a stir fry simmered. The dogs raced to the door to greet me, C.C. gave me a welcoming kiss and I had nothing to do but come in, take off my coat and sit down to a delightful dinner.
What could be more perfect? A handyman and a chef all in one waiting for my home-coming!
Some experiences are so delicious they need to be savoured slowly. After dinner I took the dogs for a walk while C.C. listened to the hockey game on the radio and then left to go play a game of his own.
Coming home to a man who is doing things for me is a unique experience. Never had that happen with the sociopath. I was always doing for him. I was always the one cramming everything in, continually taking care of what needed to be done so that he could relax, destress. unwind. To have someone do that for me is a new experience. A new sensation.
And sometimes, that can be scary.
Consciously, I know the past is not the future — unless I make it so. My subconscious, however, doesn’t always keep time with my heart beat in the moment. Sometimes, my inner voice, that beast inside who gets scared when I step out of the narrow corridors of its comfort zone, whispers disruptive comments like, “Uh. Uh. And why is he doing that? What’s he want? Don’t trust this sensation. You’ve never experienced it before. It can’t be trusted.”
Sometimes, the beast can be even more strident, blaring alerts like a submarine warning sailors about its imminent dive. “Alert! Alert! Batten down the hatches. Hang on. Get your head down. We’re going under! These waters are too dangerous.”
Sometimes, there’s a lag between what my mind perceives and my heart knows. I know that was then. I know this is now, but my subconscious is still terrified of having the past repeat itself as it perceives me to be busy daydreaming about a different future with a man. Like a soldier who has come back from war with hyper-sensitive responses to any sudden sound or noise, my senses are on hyper-alert, continuously scanning the horizon for signs of disorder and disruptive behaviours that may or may not be a precursor to danger.
I breathe.
Sometimes, things are exactly as they seem. So are people.
I have known C.C. for three years. In that time he has always been a kind, caring, thoughtful, honest and honourable man.
How I perceive him to be is how he is.
My fear is not of him. It is of me. Of trusting in myself, and my feelings. Of trusting that I am safe within me. Of knowing that no matter what in the world happens, I can trust myself to listen to my intuition, to be confident in my heartbeat and know it beats steady, sure and true because I am always safe within me.
That was then. This is now.
In the past, I did not know what I know today about me. About who I am. About how I am. My hungry heart drove me places I dared not go, but went anyway. My hungry heart kept me still when lies abounded and terror reigned. My hungry heart left me at risk of being abused.
Today, my heart is full. Today, I love myself, exactly the way I am. I accept myself, warts and all, as the perfectly awesome human being that I am, because the truth is, I am perfect in all my imperfections.
Long ago, my fear of never being enough, of never having enough, left me exposed to the attentions of those who were untrue. My fear of being unworthy set me up for the sociopath. It kept me trapped in his web of lies.
Today, my courage keeps me breathing freely as I step surely and confidently into unknown territory. My fear is the opportunity to be courageous. My courage is the gift of love I give myself when I open myself up to having all that I want, and all that I deserve in love and life and living freely.
I also found that the only people who can understand the consequences of dealing with sociopaths, are those who actually EXPERIENCED sociopaths themselves. Everyone else is just saying “Oh…forget it, just move on with your life”.
How can you move on when you discover that your whole marriage was “fake”, all credentials were faked, that such thing as “cheating”happened on daily basis, while YOU were taking care of sociopath’s needs. How can you move on when you start talking with sociopath’s friends and discover all crap sociopath was talking about you all this time…
After all I have done to my ex-sociopath she is trying to sue me for spousal support and I had to pay crap-load of money to my attorney…
It is god damn hard to move on…even though I have no kids, no money, no property, was married under 2 years, and my ex-did not steal any of my money. I cannot even imagine how it is when you have kids, property, lost your money etc…it must feel horrible 🙁
MyLife3point0 — what a powerful piece. Thanks for sharing.
CellstemCell
For me, moving on was almost as incomprhensible as the phrase, get over it. I knew I couldn’t ‘get over it’ — I had to go through it. I had spent my life getting over what other people told me I shouldn’t care so much about, or feel about, or be. Going through has been a challenge — and a blessing.
Going through it means I stay conscious.
Regardless of kids, money, property — we all lose something in these relationships. They are always a betrayal of trust.
No matter the degree to which we sank, or the degradation we experienced, — these relationships hurt. They require our full commitment to healing, and to being the magnificent human beings we are meant to be when we live free of someone else’s lies clouding our thinking.
And Persephone — keep snipping away with those golden scissors. You are on the path to freedom. Revel in the joy of clearing your head of his voices.
ML
I’ll do my best to snip…Thanksgiving will be alone for me, my kids are both in great relationships and busy and I’m glad for them, a kind of
family legacy seems to have been broken with their happiness and success in their love matches. And that can still be the case with me…
Today I spent the morning with friends near a beautiful creek – fall colors all around, and held a friend’s new grandson who is only 4 months old. He was fussy and I walked him down to the creek and kept talking to him softly and he quieted down. There was one pretty mallard duck who swam close to us and we both watched it – the little boy gripped my finger with his little hand and soon 11 more ducks (I counted!) headed our way from upstream. It was so grounding to hold that baby – I realized I hadn’t held a child or had that pleasant feeling for years!
That was such a gift to me today – life can be renewed, I know that. We’re all so fragile yet so connected – I don’t know how to finish the
thought but it doesn’t matter. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Here’s a pair of golden scissors for everyone reading this … conscious re-wiring of our own thought processes is the way to go and the imagery of the scissors is the best way to cut yourself from the attachments. Imagine a cord plugged into you … so pull it out … pull out the plug, cut it off .. as often as you need to and keep doing it until …. until it stays cut!! It will take time but repititious mental action WILL eventually have an effect….
God speed to all of us in recovery … the sooner the better … no more mental thievery and torture.
Good for you Persephone. What beautiful imagery to carry with you where ever you go. Remember those Mallards, the colours, the little boy’s hand in yours. Feel the grounding of those events in those moments when you want to journey back into the pain of the man who is untrue. Let your mind go to the beauty of that moment and hold you in its loving embrace.
Buzzibee — Thank you.
I just re-read your first post in this thread — I love the last line. I think we should all shout it out from the rooftops —
“Walk on — walk tall — and say — Screw you buddy, I am bigger and better than this!”
ML
Just wondering – can someone call your cellphone without it’s ringing? This was not a text message, the volume was up and I’m quite sure I
was in the house when it should have rung…and it seems like this has
happened before (with the person in question – the man.) Have not called back – voicemail says he loves me, to call back – this after 6 days
silence and a no-show/call after he came up last week – and that was
the reason I got the nerve to say something on this blog!
I know you all say ‘No Contact’ – however, after 5 years I feel I want to
acknowledge and talk to him without suddenly breaking it off with no
explanation on my end. After that, I could stick with it and he would also
have less reason to get angry as well.
You don’t have to respond…I realize how stupid this sounds. Sometimes I think I’ve wanted to give him an extreme label or put him in the various categories when he may have a problem with alcohol like
my second husband and that’s really the simple reason he doesn’t follow through -and he can cover that up long distance in a way he couldn’t if he was close by. I actually felt fine today and got some good work on a project done, took a walk with a girlfriend on this pretty day (and didn’t talk about this)- turned down invites to dinner, just felt like being alone as the next few days have commitments and social things happening. I’m just trying to keep busy but give myself a chance to be quiet too and
not go off in too many directions while this passes.
I hope it is not inappropriate to write down some of these thoughts. I go
to see the therapist tomorrow so will talk to him and discuss some new
goals to go after and ideas for getting other areas of my life in order.
Persephone,
It is absolutely not inappropriate to write down these thoughts. You need to get them out in an environment where you feel safe.
I remember those days — That wanting to end it, but needing to tell him I’m ending it — when secretly, underneath my resolve was the hope, the wish, the oh please make it true belief that he would suddenly see the light and be the one I’d always believed him to be but who he could never be.
I know that need Persphone — and the truth is….
Only you can know the truth.
Do you truly believe you have to say good-bye so that he knows you’re serious and you can walk away without regret.
Or….
are you holding out a secret hope that…..
fill in the blanks.
We have all tried to fill in the blanks with them — and the truth is, the blanks are truly all we ever had. Nothing more than a blank space upon which we wrote a story of love that never truly was.
Call him what he is. Label him. Name him.
And then — be true to who you are.
A woman who has been abused. A woman whose love and trust and beauty has been betrayed.
And then — become that wondrous, amazing awesome woman you are meant to be when you step free of his lies.
He is the lie, Persephone.
Only you know your truth. And only you can find your courage to live it.
ML
To Persephone,
ML is right and I know what she is talking about. There was a long period of time when I said I never wanted to see or speak to the Bad Man again but inside, I didn’t believe myself.
I had the opportunity to go back to Maui to visit friends earlier this year (April) but I didn’t for various reasons. I am glad I didn’t because at that time, I was lieing to myself and I knew it. I knew inside that if I saw him, I would not be able to resist speaking with him nor would I be able to resist calling him to set up a meeting. Incidentally, in April of this year, it had been almost 2 years since I had left Maui and I was still struggling with my feelings of conflict over this man.
I finally visited Maui this past October, but something had changed. What changed was that I saw what he was once and for all and I realized that he WAS NOT what I thought.
I fell in love with the man he said he was in the beginning but he never was that man. I accept that now, 100%. I went to Maui and it makes me sick to admit it but I had a few impulses to call him but… I DIDN’T! And I felt triumphant and more whole as I flew away on that plane to go back home.
I don’t have any more pieces of me to give that man. I want all of me back.
I didn’t have the last word with him. The last word was no word… just *silence*.
No contact, no game, game-is-rained-out-today-and-every-other-day-for-the-rest-of-your-life… forfeit the game.
Don’t play a game with him or yourself.
It is a really sick, cruel, mind game and it hurts so bad. I really really know that. Things will get better just as soon as you put your bat down and go home.
Sometimes, it’s harder to identify that we are being abused if there is no physical abuse or verbal abuse… but this game that your man is playing on you is very abusive.
Ask youself, “Would I ever do _____ to someone that I cared about?”
I have to believe that you found this site for a reason and your man really is one of those labels you are avoiding.
Saying good bye will only make you vulnerable to more manipulation. You will not get any validation you might be seeking, nor will he give you the satisfaction of being the one to put an end to the “relationship.” Most likely, if he thinks you are serious, he will turn the tables on you and tell you he is leaving you (not that he ever really was there for you anyway) and that will leave you filled with more self doubt and wondering what you ever did to deserve that.
Silence is golden.
Aloha…… E.R.
Thanks ML and Aloha – you both come through as wonderful women(and
writers as well!)
Just got back from a long day and did have session with therapist – and I told him of this blog – he thought it was very good for healing and inspiration – and of course agrees with the idea of ending this relationship, labels or no labels. When I made some mention of a behavior on the part of this man that I thought was better than an alternative, he (the therapist) said, ‘Why would you set the bar so low?’ And I think that is what we all have done, whether it is to self-punish – perhaps for something ages-old in our past and psyche, or just that being abused (in any way) does get
to be a kind of comfort zone. And as he also said – people are afraid of
change, no matter what kind. And if a person can get over humiliation and approach the world without fearing humiliation, whole new worlds open up. I know that with age, I am better and better at the sport I play
as I don’t give my ‘performance’ so much importance – I still play to the best of my ability, but my head and emotions don’t fight what my body and training knows how to do.
I get out of my own way.
I haven’t called him and may not – I am thinking about what my motivation is on this ML and also know that Aloha is right about not
playing any more games – I think I’ve been addicted to the drama of
having this on again/off again situation so I’m a game-player too.
For now, I’m giving myself the gift of silence – it isn’t like he hasn’t left
me hanging many times!