Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Louise
I call that the possibility phase. It’s where you can see what is possible and it’s very hard to let that go. It would be relinquishing all dreams, desires, fulfillment of happiness. It’s where we make deals with ourselves. When I was in that stage, I knew it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but it was enough for me to have a feeling of contentment. I was trapped in this phase until I found a book about getting emotionally unstuck. If this resonates with you, there are videos on the subject on youtube. “how to get unstuck emotionally”
Best,
Katy
I was stuck in that illusion stage for so long.. Yes, the possibilities were there because it had been so good to begin with, so I hung on to hope it would come back..
But that is what illusionist do, fool us into thinking, feeling, seeing something that really isnt there.
They are also mentalist ”mind readers”…
I remember wanting him to just evaporate like he had never been there…The loss was so huge, for years it hurt..
But I see where he has not changed a bit, even five years later he is still the same ole fucked up piece of shit he always was.
I dont hurt or feel loss over him at all now..
I am more embarrassed then anything..
Oh YES. Oh the possibilities. If I just do it right, do what he wants, then…. oh yes, all my dreams will be fulfilled.
I’m with ya MoonDancer. Now I only feel SO ashamed to have been with a low life like him. Wish I could tell all those young gals who are so heartbroken to have lost “that guy” to be glad for unanswered prayers. As an old lady, I have looked back on the guys I had SUCH dreams about, and they are disgusting. I have done far better for myself and achieved more and kept in better shape. I wouldn’t ever date them now. Get nekked with them and made love back then, with what they turned out to be? what the H was I thinking????!!! Oh yeah. I know. I was thinking of the POSSIBILITIES, not the reality.
Tea Light and skylar:
Sorry, I seemed to have caused something with the ED thing.
I am not sure what to think in regards to Scousepath directly. I have always had a very slight doubt in my mind about him and his sexuality for a few reasons that I will list in the order I found them out:
1. He said to me one time out of the blue that a bar he frequented had a lot of gays that turned up there and said, “I’m not a homophobe, but…” implying that he did not like it and eluded to the fact that one had approached him. Hmmmm, why would he say this out of nowhere?
2. He prefers very athletic women with small breasts (this is how I am built and so is his wife).
3. When we had sex, he was fixated on my butt. I mean sort of deviant kind of stuff.
Those are the only three things I can think of for now and so here are my thoughts on what I think they mean:
1. He is perhaps bisexual and was covering it up by saying he wasn’t a homophobe, but acting like he did not like the gays being around. We weren’t even talking about anything remotely close to the topic…this came out of the blue. Could have been a cover up.
2. I realize not all men prefer big breasts (most do though I think), but if he is gay and I say IF, it would make sense that he would like small breasts on a woman so she would be more like a “man.”
3. With the butt fixation, if he is gay, again the butt would be a “male” thing since that is the way they have intercourse. He didn’t try to do anal with me…he was doing other things…things no other man ever did. I also thought that maybe if he was molested as a child, it involved the butt so that is why he was fixated with it. I may be way off base…not sure.
As far as him needing Cialis, first of all I don’t know for sure if he took it, but the way he performed the first night we were together was not normal for a man over 40…let’s just put it that way. At the time it didn’t dawn on me as I was so caught up in everything, but much later, it hit me…ahhhh, he must have taken Cialis; he had to. My opinion on why he took it was because it was the first time and he wanted to make a good impression. He did not want to risk not being able to perform so he made sure of it by taking something. On subsequent nights, it was like a one time thing and he was done…never like the first night. And it was also VERY fast. I thought that was because he is extremely selfish and didn’t care about my satisfaction at all. It was all about him getting off. When I say fast, I mean fast like three seconds fast…seriously. I guess that also could have been caused by anxiety, but I doubt it. There was one time that he was having a little trouble and I said, “It’s me” and he said, “I think it’s the alcohol.” This was the ONLY time he had trouble so I am not even so sure about the ED. So what Tea Light said is true…alcohol can cause ED and also being over 40. It was also mentioned that with having multiple women, he may have just been plain old tired. Another thing that I know for sure…he liked to masturbate a lot. But he had premature ejaculation, too! UGGGHH, I guess he was a mess!
Also, he does not smoke and this kind of always haunted me…one time, I noticed a lighter on his floor and I just looked at it and I didn’t say a word. He saw me looking at it so he knew I saw it, but of course he didn’t say anything either. It made me realize that someone had been there who smoked and he truly did not like smokers. Made me think that it was probably a prostitute. Or maybe it was him smoking pot…who knows, but I didn’t know of him to ever be into drugs AT ALL. He is a true alcoholic though, but not drugs so it is hard to say, but that lighter was there for some reason and I don’t think it was to light candles as I didn’t see candles anywhere.
Also, he has a very good body; built very well, but on the other hand when I think about it, he is kind of twinky. So who knows!!!!!!!!!!!
To conclude, it IS possible that he is bisexual. I wouldn’t say totally gay as he does seem to be attracted to women, but that COULD all be a cover up as skylar says. It’s very hard to say; I will never know. He was a fabulous kisser and he was very non aggressive in bed at least after the first couple times. To be honest, it seemed like he didn’t know what to do with me! Much later when we were still talking, but there was no sex anymore, I said something to him to that affect (about not knowing what to do) and he said “Instruct me.” That told me that he needed to be told what to do because he didn’t know. I realize that all women are different so yes, men need a little direction with each one, but he seemed to really not know what to do.
I do believe that womanizing could be a cover up for liking men. It’s very possible. Perhaps that is why he is an alcoholic…I think he has so many deep, dark secrets and shame that the alcohol is the only way he can deal with it. He could be gay and was molested as a child.
Sorry, I ended up rambling!! I hope this helps clear up some things. I am not saying that either one of you is right or wrong. Good points from both of you ladies!!
Let me just end with this…he is disordered…there is NO doubt about that. None. HOW exactly he is disordered, I don’t know other than the obvious things I can see such as the alcoholism, narcissism and the philandering, but I believe those things are just symptoms of a much deeper problem. I just now remembered again that before we were intimate the first time, he told me “I’m different.” That will always haunt me. I have always wondered what he meant and IF I ever get closure, I will ask him. He probably won’t tell me, but I will ask.
I think that is it for now. This all has me thinking and wondering so much…
So sorry for the long post!
MD:
Me, too…now I am embarrassed for what I did…God.
By the way, I hope I didn’t say anything in my post above to offend you.
KatyDid:
Yes, I need to know how to get unstuck. I will check out the YouTube videos.
Louise , You didnt offend me. I was dumbfounded when I realized my xspath bf was bi-sexual..but as I have said before I think sociopaths are opportunist, neither straight or gay. I really dont understand bi-sexuals but sociopaths give them a bad name.
Louise , Not all men are bad.
MD:
I’m glad I didn’t offend you. Your xspath was bisexual? I didn’t know that!
They are opportunists…I KNOW mine was so it makes sense to me that he COULD be bi. He seems to love men anyway…always good things to say about other men, but not women and oooooh, I just thought of something…he had such a sweet, soft voice…oh, my…
Well, porn and sex addicts are often unable to perform with their wives and girlfriends. There is some disagreement about whether their is anysuch thing as a sex or porn addict, as many MH professionals believe they are simply narcissists. Narcisissts fear intimacy, and I’ve read a few articles that say the real problem at the root of a narcissist’s sexual dysfunction, IS the fear of intimacy.
And when you aknowledge that the root of sexual addiction is shame, and shame fuels arousal, as does secrecy, and secrecy fuels shame, it’s easy to understand how a nice, comfortable stable relationship with someone you know well, would be pretty boring and unstimulating….the need for more and more is part of any addiction, and it escalates, so addicts act out more and more and feel more and more shame. I wonder if shame and or guilt might play a part in ED with the wife or significant other.
And some heterosexual sex addicts act out with men….precisely because it is taboo, and therefore secretive and for them, shameful.
I think itt’s possible mine acted out with men…I like Liouse have a few red-flags, but, I am certainly not sure about it, and I would say he was definately hetero.
I can’t find it right now but donna did an article on psychopaths being neither straight nor gay, but OPPORTUNISTS and that about sums them up, they would fark a snake iif someone would hold it for them.