Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Ox – you crack me up lmaorotf.. You gonna hold that snake? lol….oh my
Kim.. I think some men and women are just sexual ( period )… Some women think they can change a gay man into being straight – sex equals power and control to a narc..I think your X was ( sexual ) period,,,you have told to many things to think he was hetero..
MD Keep in mind that you promised to marry me if you ever decide to go straight and we still have two duckie daughters so I’m still holding on to those 3 dollar bills you sent me for duckie support LOL
Yea, I think that it is all about control and since they can’t bond with anyone, what difference does it make who or what turns their crank as long as something turns it. I know one P who is bi-sexual with humans AND animals. (no lie!)
Oxy
said that spaths are opportunist that would fark a snake if someone would hold it for them.
YEP. But wouldn’t that mean incest?
katy, no it wouldnt.
oh well maybe it would if your referring to a snake farkin a snake..
Hens, I apologize if I’m niave…I certainly don’r want to offend, but what in my story makes you think spath was a closet homosexual? Please Hens, be honest,,,,
Tealight,
I guess I don’t mean that all spaths are bi-sexual. I believe spaths are not any-sexual. Not bi, not homo, not hetero. They will screw a keyhole if you tell them that it’s wrong, immoral, perverse or illegal. That doesn’t mean they are keyhole-sexual.
The will screw anything. The only person they will not screw, is their spouse. Why? Because they’re SUPPOSED TO.
If you put a spath on an animal farm and told him he had to screw every animal on the farm for the sake of science, and you told them it was perfectly legal, approved and signed off by the government and his wife, And you told him that by doing this he could be saving millions of lives –all the animals would still be virgins.
I believe it was Katy who posted that her exspath had fucked the family dog. If he would do that, I would wager that he screws men and children.
Yes, there are many spaths who have never strayed from heterosexual sex, I’m sure of it. But that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t if given the motive and opportunity. As Donna said, they are opportunists.
For some spaths, though, it isn’t just opportunity that motivates them. My exspath will simply do whatever he believes nobody would ever suspect him of doing. So he flies a helicopter, but without a license. He has sex with lots of women and told everyone EXCEPT me. What he didn’t tell everyone is that he has sex with men and with children. Of course he did tell some people, that’s how I found out. But you know what? I knew before I was told. Because I know spaths. They will do 180° the opposite of what they are supposed to do.
Louise,
yes, your spath reminds me of mine in his preferences.
He liked small breasts and he said, “I’m an ‘ass-man'”.
I was so glad because I had an athletic build, too. (not now, I look like a pumpkin now)
Also, he did what your spath did, he said, “I was walking past the park and a guy popped out of the bushes and asked me if he could suck my cock!” right. It was probably spath who popped out of the bushes. I could go on and on about that, but I’ll stop there.
He isn’t the only spath who did that. My friend was telling me that her exspath also made veiled comments like, “That guy is gay, he made a pass at me.” and “I joined a group that meets in the park for anonymous sex.” It’s rare for women to do that, unless they have a pimp to protect them. It’s too dangerous.
When we met we were both living on Capitol Hill, which is the “gay” part of seattle. It’s a mecca for the artsy crowd. Lots of musicians, artists and gays live there. Shoulda been a clue that his best friend was gay, yet he pretended to be homophobic. Also, he had a troop of lesbians that worshiped him. They wanted to be like him. It was bizarre. They all started smoking the same cigarette brand as he did.
I was soooo clueless.
Lou, you haven’t caused any problems at all, it’s just an exchange of views that’s all.
Sky, I can see that the marker of promiscuity on the psychopathy checklist can be read as a propensity for engaging in thrill seeking and opportunistic sexual encounters of various kinds. That would include with either gender, so yes, I’m sure many disordered personalities are technically bisexual ( I can’t personally see the distinction between having sex with men and women – whatever the motivation – and bisexuality). But I don’t accept that all are.
Mine had sex with his spouse. He admitted it to me at some point after admitting he was not seperated. He justified his infidelity ( he confessed one woman in a hotel, prior to beginning his campaign of tricking me into adultery by telling me for months he was separated) on the grounds that she would only have sex with him once a month. It really irritated him.
( Oh and because ‘he loved me, I was the love of his life, he had waited all his life for a woman like me ‘ blah blah ) He would have done it more if she had let him, I’ve absolutely no doubt. Yes, I accept that some psychopaths can withhold sex as punishment , to control, but this man punished in other ways. Emotional coldness, a freezing stare of dissatisfaction, denying me sleep, crazy making about turns etc as well – of course – as sexual deviance and violence.
So, again, I think talking in terms of absolutes ( e.g. ‘none of them will have sex with their wives’) is not appropriate.
Katy….my God. I hope what Skylar says is not true. But if it is, I’m extremely sorry you had to endure such trauma.
Peace and love all x
Truthy, Dance Of The Warthog LOL!
Lou, gah he really was / is a keeper. Not. The butt thing…I have to say, I don;t know in this day and age whethereven a strong interest in that area is a marker of bisexuality and / or repressed homosexuality. It’s everywhere in porn, it’s basically normal , not niche, in straight porn nowadays is my understanding. I suspect a strong interest in AS in straight male psychopaths is more usually about sadism, the desire to hurt or humiliate a woman, than homosexuality. Just my view. x