Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Louise, the whole thing about spaths is that they do not live in the world that WE do. In the World Of Spath, there is one Emperor/Emperess and one citizen – the spath is the only inhabitant as the ruler and sole citizen. They do not move through Life with a system of beliefs – beliefs are for their targets to be warped, twisted, and perverted to suit whatever fits the bill, at that moment.
Men, women, children are ALL OBJECTS in the World Of Spath. Because spaths do not experience remorse or have a conscience, they are “soul-less” and view their targets as not having souls, as well. Simple objects.
As much as we would like to attach human attributes to a spath, they are inhuman, on every level. We cannot fathom WHY they do what they choose because we don’t live in that World – and, we don’t want to. Imagine watching the news of a genocide in a foreign land, and feeling nothing more than irritation that you’re late to set up a new target for sex, money, or whatever…..no feelings. No emotions. No resonance with human tragedy. That same spath cannot connect with the 100% pure joy of a gurgling, laughing toddler.
They have sex with their spouses WHEN IT KEEPS THE MASK IN PLACE. But, they are not having sex with their spouses because they LOVE them, Louise. Sex is simply a physical activity – like blowing one’s nose. But, there’s no drama/trauma or thrill of the hunt when one is blowing their nose.
Today, try thinking about Louise – what you are deserving of and what you are worthy of.
Brightest blessings
TeaLight, there are some things that the Age Of Technology have accomplished that are beneficial to human beings: spread of knowledge, access to resources, etc. Then, there is the Dark Side of technology. At one time, anyone who had an interest in pornography had to travel to a questionable part of town under cover of darkness, park their car in the back, and hide their identities as they entered porn shops. Today, people can entertain every manner of paraphelia without leaving their desks – they can even access it using “smart phones.”
There are some things that should never be, and this is one of them: free, easy access to hard-core porn. Porn ruins any human being’s perceptions of what normal, healthy sex is – what is portrayed in hard-core porn is NOT normal, healthy interactions. And, the more porn someone views, the more shocking the imagery must become to excite the viewer.
We, as a society and culture, have a damaged view of healthy, normal sexual interactions. And, I believe that access to really bizarre porn plays a part in this.
Just my 2 cents! 😀
Brightest blessings
kim:
You made some EXCELLENT points that I had forgotten about…things we had talked about before and they also make sense.
This is why I say I am not sure about his sexuality. I truly don’t know so I don’t like to say anything concrete. Especially when you bring up the intimacy and shame issues…that does seem like Scousepath. Also, he told me straight up, “I’m a thrill seeker.” Soooo, that would go along with what you said in your post about becoming bored and needing more and more stimulation but then feeling more and more shame…vicious cycle and also why the need to self medicate with the alcohol which is also an addiction. He has a totally addictive personality. I believe that is also why he needs attention; drama…to keep from being bored. Wow.
So yes, there were some red flags with Scousepath that make me wonder, but I will never know.
Louise, there will come a time (there really will, I promise) when what he is won’t matter so much, anymore. Whether he’s interested in sex with men, women, or sheep won’t matter because he’ll just be an unpleasant memory.
I think that I’m getting near that point, and I’m anticipating that “Nirvana of Indifference” with a sense of gleeful relief.
Brightest blessings of encouragement
Truthy and Lou, yes that’s great, I read that in a thread the other night, ‘the Nirvana of Indifference’.
With you on the P issue as ever, Truthy. Wise words from a wise woman.
Lou, make today about Louise, about your hopes and dreams and plans and your recovery, not about that pathetic man and his sickness and motivations. Create come lovely clear scousepath free space in your mind and fill it with good things, with the future. ((Hugs)) x
Truthspeak:
I know. It probably seems like I don’t realize this, but I do. I know someday he will be a distant memory because I am way past where I was even a year ago. So I am making it. I know in the past with another guy I loved a lot (a long, long time ago when I was only about 20 years old)…I thought about him forever, but now I NEVER think about him…it does stop someday and I know he will end up being the same type of memory someday. Like I said, it is already not a TOTAL obsession like it once was so I am getting there and I thank God for that! The No Contact does help so much! At first, it is agony, but it ends up being the lifeline to getting over them…it really does. For me, the No Contact has severed that chemical addiction. I swear he used to give off chemicals even through the phone…haha. Have a good day!
Hey, who wants to have an online LF Valentine’s party tomorrow …!! That’s if I’m not too busy opening my sack of cards, obvs. 🙁 x
Tea Light wrote:
“…I can see that the marker of promiscuity on the psychopathy checklist can be read as a propensity for engaging in thrill seeking and opportunistic sexual encounters of various kinds.”
Truthspeak, Tea Light-
I see that now with my spath ex-gf. Initially, I figured she was simply a creative and sensual person. At the start of the ‘relationship’ – just days into it- she often dropped not so subtle hints refering to sex and sexual activities. She said she liked trying new ‘things’ and enjoyed feeling a ‘rush.’ I joked with her about her ‘dirty mind’ and I was surprised at how ‘forward’ she was. At the same time, I had been ‘out of circulation’ for some time and brought some of my ‘old ways’ into the relationship that needed to be re-worked. So, I was not completely innocent of helping to screw things up.
But I came to see a pattern of manipulation and guilt-making associated with physical intimacy that could be characterized as abuse. She could in one moment or day jump on me and then the next, recoil and start telling me stories of personal experiences with rape, incest or other abuse and complain about ‘being sore’ or about some other inexplicable sudden onset of body/abdominal pain. In those times my heart would absolutely ache and bleed – and it still does when I think about it! But, how much of it was true and how much was designed to manipulate, castrate and castigate me?
At the same time, she was obsessed with having me and others think that she was nothing but pure, monogamous, a ‘non-cheater,’ etc. That mask slowly but most definitely began to slide off in the latter months of the ‘relationship.’
I cannot tell you how confusing it was and how ‘nothing added up.’ All the while she exhibited every sign of withholding, crazy-making and in the end, of cutivating and engaging in relationships with others. And, in the end, she said that she didn’t believe that ‘One True Love’ existed. Thanks for letting me know after over 18 months of acting and saying things the opposite of that!
Contrast that with knowing a woman that does not blow hot ‘n cold and that, for starters simply ‘likes me’ for who I am and enjoys being close.
P.S.: Survived the Blizzard of 2013.
Fixer, hello stranger! Did you get snowed in?
EDIT ADD ”Contrast that with knowing a woman that does not blow hot ’n cold and that, for starters simply ’likes me’ and enjoys being close.” Are we to read into this that there’s a table for two booked for tomorrow night Fixer?!
Tea Light:
Thank you. I will. Today will be about me.
I had a nice dinner last evening with a friend who is retiring and I hadn’t seen her for a long time so it was really nice and we said now that she is also going to be free, we would do more things together. Today I am having lunch AND dinner with two males friends (totally platonic) so that will be nice. Lunch is with a former coworker and dinner is also with a former coworker, but he is bringing his daughter to dinner who I also love!
I agree, Tea Light, about the butt thing. I realize that even hetero men LOVE butts. So like I said, who knows…haha. I believe though there were some red flags there with Scouspath and perhaps his true sexuality…the thing that especially stands out is his comments about gays and not being homophobic. I just remembered…he actually said something to me twice about it, not just once as I said earlier. I think there could be some tendencies he is covering up. Could be, but I can’t say for sure.
How are you doing/feeling today? I hope well? x