Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Skylar wrote:
“spaths are not any-sexual. Not bi, not homo, not hetero. They will screw a keyhole if you tell them that it’s wrong, immoral, perverse or illegal. That doesn’t mean they are keyhole-sexual.”
I SO AGREE with this.
Truthspeak is right. For my spath, sex was a biological FUNCTION, not an experience. Promiscuous yes, but only for the O, sometimes to manipulative someone, but NOT an expression of sexuality at all.
My spath wanted the orgasm, NOTHING else. So yes, he IS a pervert, he preferred glory holes. He did NOT want the connecting/making love part. He’d use OTHER people’s desire for closeness to further his agenda and he was VERY seductive. He had three forms of interacting with people, to be condescending and patronizing and sucking up, to be VERY seductive and flirting, and his most common was that people didn’t exist at all (but first he assessed if they were of use to him, if not, they didn’t exist, he’d be blank to them.)
They are aroused by anything that’s taboo, I think. Anything secretive and devious, and yes, shameful. It stands to reason why they can’t perform with their wives or significant other. Too innocuious. Too simple. Too pure.
MD:
Yes, sex to a narc is all about power and control. Absolutely. I was on the receiving end of it…I felt it; saw it.
I hope you don’t think I am one of those women coming here claiming their exspath is Bi. All I do know is there were/are some red flags there that I would be stupid if I did not acknowledge.
kim:
You are so right. He told me that I was “mysterious” and mysterious equaled “erotic” to him. That’s what he told me. I agree with you 100%.
Tea Light:
We’ll hook up tomorrow for V Day…don’t you worry!! HUGS!! x
Lou V day has come early in the unwelcome form of a packet from him. I’ve just got in and it was in the hall. I want to cry
Tea Light:
Oh, noooooo. He is not making this easy for you. I WISH he would leave you alone!!!!!!!!!! It is getting easier for me because mine doesn’t want me…he would never contact me; it is over. But when someone won’t leave you alone like he is not leaving you alone, it makes it so hard. Gosh, I wish I could do something. I’m so sorry. 🙁 x
What is it…is it a card?
It’s a card with a load of writing in it and a usb stick I don’t know what’s on it and a small horse like an ancient greek bronze horse because I love horses the sender name and address in his writing is his mothers so it wouldnt go back to his WIFE if the PO mislaid it the BASTARD. I am sick of this I want to tell his wife he is harassing me to hell with it
Tea Light:
I can only imagine what he wrote to you. I would not look at what is on the USB…it’s probably porn or him naked.
Bastard is right…I think it may be time to tell his wife. I am not usually about telling the wife, BUT I think this is a different case. You live in two different countries…what can he do to you??? He is too far away to harm you physically. I think you need to call his bluff. Do it and STAY SAFE!!!!!!! x
TeaLight, I am SO sorry for the sneak attack. Throw it out – all of it. Don’t even plug in that thumb-drive. It’s STILL contact and it will derail your incredible progress!!!
Do you have a RO on this nut? If you do, this is a violation. If anything comes in the future, SEND IT BACK. Don’t accept flowers, packages, letters, or anything – send it back: Return To Sender.
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))