Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Yea, Tea, I think I would just mail the whole thing to his wife and be done with it. Whatever you do, do NOT look at what is on the stick.
Enough is enough, and he needs to know there are consequences for his continuing to harass you.
I’m frightened that he will stalk me for years like Dupey’s stalker I’m afraid . I read the card it’s insane saying in french “think of all my love for you which is so indispensable for me this horse belongs to you like my heart soon it will be spring and we will walk hand in hand together because that is how things must be” stuff like that so i’m scared. I can get an RO I got the forms I need to file them then you ask the court to grant an injunction then the police will turn up at his home but if she then kicks him out he might get worse or if he loses his kid he might make me pay
TeaLight, stop………stop and breathe. He cannot make you pay for something that he did – he can’t. Okay? And, FEAR is what he’s counting on.
Cool heads prevail, here. You are not responsible for his actions, nor the consequences of those actions. Don’t – PLEASE, don’t – keep reading the card or view the USB thing. Pack it all up, gather up all of the other evidence, fill out the papers, and take it all to the police and file for a RO if you believe that he is dangerous. And, from what you’ve posted, he sounds quite dangerous.
When THEY are in control, we react with fear and panic. When WE are in control……..well, it’s “adios asshole!”
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: This is when “Keeping In The Now” works best. You expressed your fear that he would become like the stalker that’s harassing Dupey – it’s an attempt to predict and we have ALL done it. Bring yourself back to the present. One thing, at a time. See your hands, feel the atmosphere, smell the aromas…….bring yourself back. Then, take your safety in steps. (((HUGS)))
Tea Light, I have a slightly different opinion, for what it’s worth, and with all due respect to Louise and Ox Drover and Truthspeak (although she recommends something slightly different). I think you should throw the package out and return your focus to caring for and healing YOU.
I haven’t read all that you have posted here so I may have missed some details so I apologize in advance if I have missed some important details. I believe I read that he has assaulted you already so you do know what he can do to you. The spath I was involved with was never overtly violent with me but I would NOT put it past him. They do not have boundaries like normal people. Tealight, I think you don’t know his wife and tragically her path with this spath is her own. Please take care of yourself and IGNORE HIM completely. Feel whatever you feel but please do not give him any of your emotions. It’s perverse and virtually incomprehensible on an emotional level but these monsters will feed on any negative trauma/drama. In a sick way, he may be trying to provoke you into doing something like trying to expose him to his wife. You already know he is capable of evil, please do not give him any more opportunity to poison you with his evil.
ETA: Truthspeak posted her reply directly above mine while I was typing. I agree with her advice to breathe and work on calming yourself. Maybe don’t throw away the package, instead put away in case you do need some evidence in the future for a restraining order. But please do not give him ANY response right now and stop looking at the package contents.
Tea Light:
Of course he wants you to contact him. He wants a reaction out of you, but at the same time, the harassing must stop.
I actually thought of something…you are worried that if his wife finds out, she will leave him and then that will make him worse and he will come after you, etc., but what if his wife leaving him causes him to focus on HER and getting HER and his child back??? It’s possible that you doing something like that could do the opposite of what you are thinking and it could free you! He, like most of the cheaters, doesn’t want to lose his wife so it may actually cause him to pursue her if she was to leave him OR she may not even leave him…many, many wives choose to stay even after they know what is going on (and that is their choice) so we really have no way of knowing what the outcome would be.
I am here for you!! x
Truthspeak, this is perfect:
When THEY are in control, we react with fear and panic. When WE are in control—..well, it’s “adios asshole!”
Thank you all thank you I’ve put it all in a kitchen cupboard I’ll do some meditation he wants to provoke me into contacting his wife then he’d try and emotionally blackmail me into going back or he’d punish me somehow. I’ll file the restraining papers. He assaulted me 4 times sparklehorse in an isolated holiday apartment in the alps it was very bad
Lou I don’t think he wants to be married he just doesnt want to lose his apartment in a divorce or access to his kid because his first son hates him and hasnt spoken to him for 7 years he hates his wife he hates me too I can’t cope much more
TeaLight
It’s time to go into HIGH Protect mode.
I DISAGREE with sending anything to the wife. I think it’s EVIDENCE. GIVE it to an attorney to look at it. File a police report, to have it on record. I think you need to get a restraining order. I would take this package as a threat, he’s claiming you as property. Get a plan to disappear. Talk to an attorney about what you can do to protect yourself. Be aware that he may set you up in a type of smear compaign. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE. They are CAPABLE of EVERYTHING.
Tea Light:
Sigh. There is so much I could say, but I will be quiet. I just worry about YOU. 🙁 x