Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Lou just say whatever you think please I need the advice and imput from people who know what these people are like i’m too ashamed to even tell my counselor most of what happened and what he’s like and I’m so ashamed I stayed in contact for 2 months after he admitted he wasnt separated. Like katy says it’s the possessive talk I can’t bear it really upsets me I’m just a thing to him that he wants to f*&# and to cook for him if he can drive his wife away he’s not well I told him in december no more leave me alone did I tell you about the drawing of the chained naked woman he drew at 8?? He’s ill
Katy I’m going to file for an RO and if his wife is at home when the police turn up at his door with the order that’s his funeral. I don’t want to hurt his little boy but this has to stop
Tea Light:
Yes, you told me about that drawing when he was only eight years old. Horrible. He is a sick man.
I don’t know what to say because I am the type who just starts to ramble and sometimes say things that people don’t understand or relate to.
I have never had experience with someone like this so really I am probably not the best one to give advice unfortunately. I can say what I think, but it’s not from experience. Hopefully with no response from you, he will eventually give up. That’s what I did even though I know it’s different, but after Scousepath just shut me out and stonewalled me and totally ignored me, I gave up. Hopefully this idiot will do the same. So I guess for now just lay low…don’t do anything. Don’t respond. He probably thinks you will call him or text him and thank him for the card, etc. If you don’t do it, he will start to get the message…I hope, we can only hope.
Hang in there…meditate, pray, do whatever it takes to get past this. Much love. x
Tea Light:
Sorry, we posted over each other. I saw your last post about the RO. I will support you whatever you want to do. x
That’s very comforting Lou you are a great help and support ((hug)) I’m just having flashbacks because I’ve touched stuff he touched it’s unnerved me. What the hell is on that usb porn probably like you said I have to get the ro I want this to stop he makes me shaky and nauseous any contact really upsets me but I start meditation class and have counseling tomorrow so SCREW HIM he’s a pathetic freak of nature
Tea Light:
I would guess it is porn or something like it. It’s very unnerving.
Good luck with your meditation class tomorrow and counseling. Yeah, SCREW HIM!! x
Tea Light, I think I would want to see what’s on the USB. Could be threats, could be mushy’ ‘I love you’ stuff, or both…who knows. And could be porn. As far as what he may or may not do—you live quite far from him I think? It’s expensive to get from where he lives to where you live, and he doesn’t sound wealthy…that’s in your favor.
Actually, I’m kinda concerned about the wife at this point too –her safety also.
Best to you.
Tea Light:
After reading a lot of what you have posted – I hope that you will not play along, in any way, with what your ex sociopathic bf is doing. I get a sense that maybe he is just trying to see how much control he still has over you.
You wrote:
“Fixer lol I was serious, I thought maybe it was a ”Fixer and his new GF sittin’ in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G. ” type situation!”
Oh, no. It’s just that I am now more aware and receptive to the kindness, reaching out and other signs of affection from others – including some very nice ladies. The contrast to the way the ex-gf acted is striking. Of course, the sociopaths are out there, in the mix, so one must be on guard!
But, I am a confirmed HUMAN BEING with a heart that is capable of feeling and expressing love – unlike the ex-gf. Coming to grips with the abuse that I endured – the lies, deceit, crazy-making, gaslighting and withholding – is taking time and lots of energy. After all, my heart has just been (Almost seven months ago.) broken, ripped out and stepped on.
I have a way to go before a romantic ‘dinner for two.’ But, I can feel the good vibes and love from others again.
When my ex-gf was in the midst of the discard process (And had obviously ‘moved-on.’), and just a couple of days after she sent me the nastiest, cruelest e-mail, I sent her some notes in which I tried to tell her what I was feeling. We had ‘broken up’ before and I did not know where this episode was leading. I told her how I still loved her and wanted to understand her. I told her of a prayer and wishes that I wrote for earlier in our relationship. Her reaction to this was to ATTACK me. ‘It was basically: ‘You $%#@&*!! HOW DARE you try to turn me into mush!!!’
Then there was the note wherein I described an experience I had at the park where we walked together and, how I was feeling and hoped to talk to her. She responded coldly, impersonally as if nothing had EVER happened between us. As if I was a stranger. It was : “Oh, well. I am telling you to be happy – but YOU will have none of it – you jerk!’ She also ceased to call me by my real name and instead referred to me as ‘Dude’. Her True Colors were coming out, her ‘mask’ was slipping and I began to see the pattern of abusive treatment by her over the preceding 18 months.
See the total depersonification, denigration, discard, lack of remorse, no heart attitude? Characteristics of a sociopath operating in the Discard Process.
Here’s to future Valentine’s Days – remembering that WE do have the capacity to love. Unlike the sociopathic ex’s WE are evolved enough to feel and express our love, and respect, for those ‘special’ people in our lives.
Hear hear fixer ”Here’s to future Valentine’s Days ”“ remembering that WE do have the capacity to love. Unlike the sociopathic ex’s WE are evolved enough to feel and express our love, and respect”. Dude?…that is so unbelievably rude , fixer.
Mandie, thanks so much for your words of support. I’m not looking at the usb, I can’t, I’m in a mess today. He’s at this very moment trying to get through on my phone, 5 times so far. His number is blocked so it goes straight to voice mail but I feel under intense stress. It’s very affordable for him to reach where I am, there’s a low cost airline that offers flights for as little as £40 each way from his nearest airport, which he can reach in less than an hour by car. He’s not wealthy, no, he’s ‘comfortable’, he has money to stalk me if he chose to. I hope to God it doesn’t come to that. I am filing an RO request I have the papers. All the best to you too Mandy and Happy Valentine’s Day x