Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Tea Light:
So sorry to hear he is trying to reach you today. I feel for you. So glad you have the RO papers. Please be SAFE…I worry!! x
Don’t you worry Lou, I’m thinking of moving anyway, so he wouldn’t even have my home address, he just wants me to end his marriage for him because they usually don;t want to accept responsibility do they. It’s very tiring and demoralising, his ‘presence’ is very negative , like a heavy cloud over me, my head has been hurting all day. I’m very tired. He’a a sick man, a classic disorderd nut with no self awareness, confusing his lies with reality, like the other thread said they do. x
EDIT ADD but I need this RO as there was a text this morning, ”I forbid you to make love to another man, you belong to me and I want you to remember that”. So, y’know, that’s not good is it. Sigh.
Tea Light:
Oooooh, that is very disturbing if he is FORBIDDING you to be with another man!! Not good at all. This has the potential to escalate.
Forgive me for not catching it at the very beginning when you started posting, but how did you meet him?? x
Loulou, he visited my place of work – which is big, with lots of different schools / departments, with one of his colleagues to visit an academic because he and his colleague are devising an exam to do with accrediting people to work in the sector he works in in France, sorry to be so vague, basically he was here talking to the academic who is Swiss, about how to devise this examination. I met him in the canteen, we spoke in French , I had no idea he was married, he wasn’t wearing a ring and when he admitted 6 months later that he wasn not seperated my mind was in utter turmoil and it took me a further 8 weeks to end it, but as you know with what happened in the alps and the love bombing, it’s just been very hard to make sense of everything and understand what I am dealing with. I thought he was normal, I assumed he was normal, despite mauch evidence which grew and grew and grew to the contrary. They don;t act nuts on you at first, after all. x
Tea Light:
I see. Tricksters. They are all master tricksters. Scousepath didn’t wear his ring either. He said he used to wear it apparently when things were good at home. As far as I know, he had not worn it for years when I knew him. He could be again. It is hard to make sense of everything, but now that you know just as I do, we must never have contact with them again. It’s too hurtful, too painful. x
Tea Light
I read in an article somewhere that sociopathy is considered a form of insanity. I absolutely believe it.
Kmiller, they are supposed to be sane enough to know what they do is wrong but they don’t care it’s wrong? But I’m with you, this man takes his fantasies and self delusions as facts, he lives in them, or in a wierd liminal space between reality and fantasy. That’s what is not sane and that’s what scares me. Hope you are doing well today, Happy Valentine’s Day!
Tea Light:
What happened to you? x
TeaLight, I hope that you’re doing better, today. It “read” as if you were getting over the fear and panic and settling into a mode of defense. And, that is GOOD to read.
The most important thing that you can tuck into your vest is this fact: you are NOT responsible for the health or well-being of his wife and children. IF he loses an apartment, custody, visitation, or anything else as a result of his own actions, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE.
I’ve known of too many people (men, AND women) who lament, “But, if I file, his family will suffer. What about the children?!” This is a clear fact: filing for a restraining order, or an order of protection is a legal demand that a victim is to be left alone and that violating that demand has consequences. It is NOT about “getting even,” or outing the spath to others – it is a last-ditch effort of self-protection. IF, by some chance, a stalker loses certain things of importance, it is as a result of their OWN actions, not OURS.
Is it acceptable to have our lives tortured by people who refuse to go away? No, of course, it isn’t. So, if a stalker’s life is ruined BECAUSE of their own deliberate actions, we are not responsible for this consequence – THEY are.
Perhaps, it will end up (in the long run) that his wife and children will BENEFIT from the spath being served with a Restraining Order – no doubt, his wife lives in the World Of Spath Madness, as well, and is just waiting for that affirmation that she needs to get the hell OUT. But, whatever the result of the consequences, TeaLight, you are not responsible for them, on any level.
Today is another day – a good day to get ANGRY. A good day to get your hackles up and really FEEL that anger at the instrusion and absolute gall that this nutbag is expressing. NO – do NOT view the USB thing. Let the authorities do it and provide you with a brief description. It could have ANYTHING on it, including a computer virus. Today is a good day to take all of the evidence, the text messages, voice messages, etc., to the police and swear out a Restraining Order.
Put that righteous – RIGHTEOUS – anger to positive effect, TeaLight.
Brightest blessings to you
EDIT ADD: The thing about these types of people, TeaLight, is that they don’t live in a world where there are rules and consequences. They do not have a conscience, and they feel no remorse for what they do. They believe that Laws apply to everyone else and that they are not only above the Law, but impervious to consequences. Add those issues to the fact that they simply don’t care, and it’s “Katie, bar the door!” It seems insane because we wouldn’t do these things – it doesn’t fall into a category of responsible behaviors. But, that is precisely where we need to separate our emotions from the facts and proceed without our emotions running riot. Basing our actions (not RE-actions) upon facts allows for us to make firm, strong decisions with regard to our own safety and recovery.
I’m a little worried about Tea Light. I hate to be intrusive with her and don’t mean to be…I realize she doesn’t have to be on here all the time, but after the package she received the other day, I am just concerned. We haven’t heard from her in awhile. Thinking of you…x