Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Hello again,
I have begun to read K. Hawk’s articles and see that I have been going thru stages she describes…hopping back/forth as well. I first left the relationship and his home in Aug…only to come back b/c I loved n missed him and his persuasions to get me to come back…soooo convincing. The real pain n shock started after I left for good n saw he was not all that upset n replaced me quickly….though I was not certain of this till 2 months later. I have taken some brazen steps, like when I asked him to cover cost for STD screening since I became “aware” that he was most likely unfaithful while we were together…and let him know that I figured out what he really was…n I must admit, what that made me. ..sigh : (
“I have been through some terrible things in my life, and some of them have actually happened.” Twain
I lastly told him I intend to heal from our relationship ..and I know this is about me…if something has happened in my life, I know it is always about me and not the other person…my whole life seems to be one long seeker/spiritual journey…will be happy to get beyond the pain
Blue
Dear Blue, life IS A JOURNEY, a journey of learning and growing. As long as we learn and grow we are on the right path. Sometimes we make choices that end up having painful consequences because we are lied to or given bad information on which we base that choice. So don’t beat yourself up, this is just a lesson in Psychopath 101 and you get to repeat the course until you get the lesson.
Life is tough, she gives the test first and then the lesson.
Ox Drover,
Thx for telling me to stop beating on myself…my fam/freinds have been telling me same thing. In my head, i have been calling self “village idiot”…i know i am not , but this has destroyed confidence i once possesed.
I know this is big lesson for me…with all tools i can find…i intend to get it this time : )
God bless
Blue
bluemosaic,
No you are not a village idiot. He lied, he led you to believe something which was 180 degrees the opposite. They, spaths, are cunning and enjoy the game. I agree with Ox ….try not to beat yourself up. You’ve been through enough of that! It’s very early days as you split quite recently? Come here to read. Read and learn. Arm yourself, gird your loins and fight! For you, my dear.
I wish you luck in your journey. You will get there. As Truthy said on another thread …..it takes time.
🙂
Bluemosaic, I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time. “No Contact” is the first and most powerful step in healing and recovery – any contact with the spath only diverts recovery and personal focus.
Next, it’s vital to understand that these people dismantle their targets with surgical precision. For whatever reason, they are able to “see” our vulnerabilities and strengths and exploit them to a degree that is unfathomable to empaths.
If you have not considered it, counseling therapy with someone that “gets it” is probably a really wise option. Healing from a sociopath entanglement is unlike any other recovery process – we are simply NOT EQUIPPED to process what was done to us. Human beings have the capacity to process all manner of tragedies and traumas, from the passing of parents to the random acts of Nature. We can point at a headstone and say, “See that? That is where my mom is buried and I really miss her.” Or, “See that? That is the foundation of my house that was swept away in the flood. I lost everything in that flood.”
With spath carnage, there is very little that we can point at and say, “See that? He/she did that and left me gutted. I don’t know where to begin rebuilding my life.” If we attempt to tell other people about our experiences with the expectation of sympathy, understanding, and empathy, we are usually SORELY disappointed, because they cannot fathom that another human being is a predator. A counseling therapist that “gets it” not only HEARS our pain, grief, fear, and despair, but they help us to process those “normal” reactions to such traumas and give us tools and techniques to recover.
You are worthy and deserving of healing and recovery, Bluemosaic. You did NOT deserve your experiences. Gift yourself with patience and understanding and plenty of TIME.
Brightest blessings of encouragement
Truthspeak ,
thx for telling me i did not deserve this…ur compassion has made me cry b/c there is a part of me that thinks i asked for it…don’t know why~
I am looking for therapist, will NOT date, doing self care/love tools and have some great freinds,
God Bless
Blue
Bluemosaic, for me, this belief that I was unworthy or un-deserving was the result of a deep and strong “shame-core.” This was developed when I was a child, and there is a whole different discussion of this that might be helpful to approach, in due time. Right now, you’re raw, you’re hurt, you’re fearful, and all of the rest, and the work on shame-core is pretty grievous.
I found my counselor by contacting my local domestic violence hotline and asking for a list of recommended therapists. You can also visit http://www.ndvh.org to get more information on your local resources.
Soon enough, what “he did” will evolve into what “I can do to recover.” You’re going to be okay.
Brightest blessings
Bluemosaic,
I’ve read your posts and wanted to tell you that I’ve had the very same feelings as you, and I also struggle with beating myself up! This has been a very traumatic event, no doubt. Like you, I thought I was in a good place emotionally when I met my ex. I think in some ways I was, but of course I also had my vulnerabilities (like really wanting a relationship!), and I had a basic ignorance of this kind of evil. Also, I just ended contact in December, too, so you and I are at similar points in our recovery. I have spent the last two months finding out everything I can about sociopaths, and it really does help to understand, as much as a normal person can, how they think and why they do what they do. AND I found a wonderful therapist, and even though she is not an expert on sociopathy/psychopathy, she has been extremely helpful! She is using a therapy approach called EMDR, and I think it’s awesome. I already feel better, and I have only had five sessions with her. Your plan to find a therapist is a great one.
I am glad that you found this website. Truthspeak and Ox Drover, along with many other posters on here, have been so supportive and helpful. The articles have been excellent, too. I don’t know what I would do without Lovefraud!
Laura 19,
Thx for the validation, i will cont. to edu myself…so glad I found this site too…a place of healing that i can be safe in : )
hugs
blue
Hugs to you too, bluemosaic!!! Thank you, I can always use more of them. 🙂
Laura