Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
There’s a chance Lou but taking into account the facts, this man has opportunity (his workplace and work related social events) motive (he hates women and enjoys humiliating and manipulating them) so why would you conclude he’s changed? He’s clearly comfortable lying to his wife and is adept at covering his tracks. There’s no reason other than a road to damascas type moral awakening why he should stop and he’s not the moral awakening type from everything you’ve shared about him. Anyway love it’s harder to accept he didn’t end it because he nobly realised he loved his wife. Harder to accept he doesn’t love her but still went back and that he is probably still tom catting about. Not because you aren’t great. Because he’s a *#%# x
Tea Light:
I agree that he has not had a moral awakening that would make him stop, but what if the wife absolutely threatened him that if she found ONE MORE thing, he was OUT?? I bet that would set him straight. Or I wonder if he found out SHE was cheating? You know how that is…it’s OK if they are doing it, but don’t let the wife do it…they don’t like that a bit. I think that would pull him back into reality if he found out something like that. It may keep him in line.
Totally right…it would be easier to accept if I knew he went back and was being faithful because that is what he is supposed to be doing and I would love for that to be true…for him to be a family again with her and the kids. But if that is the case, he could have easily told me that when I was trying to get closure. Yes, it is harder to accept that he went back yet he is still tom catting about because if he is tom catting about, why isn’t he trying it with me? To be clear, that is NOT what I want, but it hurts to know if he is out there that it is not with me, but I think I know why…he KNOWS how I feel about him and he doesn’t want that…he only wants to play around and he KNOWS I am not the type to just play around with so he will stay away from me. I think I get it now. I think I just figured it out as I type. He thought I was someone he could dupe and when he realized he couldn’t, he stopped. I think skylar and I figured this out awhile ago, but I tend to forget when I get caught up in my emotions. Thanks so much, Tea Light, for making me see things. You explain things very well. x
Skylar…are you out there?
Tea Light and Louise, I beg to differ. These philanderers objectify ALL women, not just their wives. Sure, they compartmentalize. “The wife goes here, along with the kids and the house, and the bills and little Johnny’s soccer game. She’s a great gal, but she’s boring. 🙁 Because I work so hard and she just doesn’t do it for me anymore, I deserve to have a little fun. The new women is arousing exciting, and makes me feel like a million bucks. Wow. What a rush…and she thinks I’m wonderful. I’ll keep her over here, and enjoy it while it lasts.” Then, after awhile the fun goes out of it when you start to act like a wife….he already has one of those, he sure doesn’t need another one, and then you become more trouble than you’re worth. You are stepping out of his intentions for you….as is his wife, by the way. She’s damn tired of catering to his ego, so he isn’t getting the adulation he so rightly deseves. She’s bored to death with the jerk.
He is terrified of real intimacy, and prefers to go for intensity….so he moves on. Fresh blood. They are insatiable.
You are giving him far too much credit if you think your lover is leaving you alone out of respect for you….because he know’s you want a real relationship….well, maybe, if he’s even a little bit of a nice guy, but, we already know he’s a liar and cheat, so, I think it follows that he’s a womanizer, and they just use everybody.
Oh, and I wanted to add, there is nothing the wife can do. Nothing. It’s a no win situation. She can put her foot down and make demands and he’ll lie connive and cheat, and ACT AS IF he’s changed. Nope. Doesn’t work. She can give up and have an affair and feel like a lying ass cheat, too. Doesn’t do much for her self-esteem or her desire for true intimacy. She can turn a blind eye and pretend everything is fine, while inside all her hopes and dreams are dying a slow death.
No, the three C’s apply here. I didnt CAUSE it. I can’t CONTROL it, and I can’t CURE it.
Louise,
There are two reasons he’s not philandering with you imo
– a) because you gave him no drama and actually kept boundaries
– b) because it’s the sole way to hurt you
You have too strong boundaries to let a lover think bad of you and make you demean yourself… but an exllover who jilted you for another woman is exactly what makes you pine and struggle.
When you say “he KNOWS how I feel about him and he doesn’t want that”he only wants to play around and he KNOWS I am not the type to just play around with so he will stay away from me,” I think you are making a mistake with that thinking. He’s not just a player after easy pickings. He’s after those who’ll give him easy access to drama and attention, even if they want a serious relationshit. But you already grey rocked him before you ever heard about the term and why. And that is why he’s destroying the lives of other women instead of yours.
My situation is a double edged sword. First of all, after my experience, I trust no man. I’ve gone out on a few dates, but I am just not comfortable. The other problem I have is poor body image due to breast cancer. I am not quite done with my reconstruction yet. I am slender and built reasonably well, but I can’t even stand looking at myself without my shirt, let alone letting a man see me. I have a profile on match.com, but it will be deactivated at the end of the month. I’m just not ready to get really close to a man. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am just not ready to date.
Rocelle, on line dating is not safe in MHO…and especially if you are vulnerable because of body image or any other reason. Take care of YOU first. God bless and congratulations on your recovery (((Hugs)))
kim:
Thank you for your post. I always love hearing your perspective as I know you were on the other awful end of it. It’s obvious these guys only want flings. You described it all so well in how they compartmentalize and they are bored with the wife (mind you, they would get bored with ANY wife…we know it’s not personal) so they go out and look for excitement, but the minute the OW wants MORE, he bails. In my case, this is why he started pursuing me because the OW in my office started getting serious about him even though they both were married. I think that he felt “safe” with her because she was married and he thought she wouldn’t demand more, but she did. She was totally in love with him and ready to leave her husband for him as her marriage was already pretty much down the tubes. But he was like whoa…of course that is not what he wanted…he only wanted all the fun. To go along with what you said, he even said to me verbatim, “I don’t need a wife replacement.” I will never forget him saying that and to be honest, at the time, I didn’t really know what he exactly meant by that, but later realized it was for two reasons…1. He already had a wife and therefore didn’t need a replacement (literally) and 2. He didn’t need another “wife” like you said above…he already has one of those…he didn’t need another woman clinging onto him…he only wants to play!! So everything you said above is spot on and you should know…you were there unfortunately and I hate that you do know it so well because it means you experienced it. I get what you are saying about me giving him too much credit, but don’t you think what I said is partly true?…that he knows I want a real relationship so that is why he leaves me alone? After all, isn’t that what we just said…he doesn’t want that…he already has the whole serious “wifey” thing at home…he just wants to play! So if he knows I would want more, why would he want anything to do with me? That is all I was saying as far as why I think he doesn’t want bothered with me (well, one reason; I’m sure there are many).
I think it is sad that there is nothing the wife can do. I wish there were. But I know you are right and it’s tragic 🙁
If you are here tonight…can you please write to me to let me know what you think? Thank you.
darwinsmom:
Thanks for your post.
I don’t know…I did give him some drama at one point and he still didn’t want a relationship with me. But I think it’s because at that point, he was over it. Who knows. It makes my brain hurt. I did grey rock him though before I even knew what it was. That is just my personality. Oh, well. If you are here tonight (or this morning), please write and let me know if you have anything else for me. 🙁
Louise,
there isn’t a black and white answer. The reason is, because, before the spath lies to you, he lies to himself.
Then it’s a done deal. He believes what he tells himself.
Remember George Costanza, “Jerry, it’s not a lie if YOU believe it.” It’s an infantile solution but it works for them. This is the root of narcissism –bypassed shame. They lie first to themselves and then to you.
So your spath makes up a reason for why he is cruel to you. He could rationalize that you deserve it. Or he could rationalize that he really wanted to have sex with you. The real reason is just shame and envy. He hates all women because he envies them and they make him feel ashamed because women get more attention than he does.
As Elaine Morgan pointed out, look at any men’s magazine, it has beautiful women in it. Now look at any women’s magazine, it has beautiful women in it!
hmmm.. wtf?
Women, get all the attention. Everyone is obsessed by beautiful women. Spaths can’t stand it.
Elaine put forth the theory that human beings were aquatic for 10 million years before they RETURNED TO LAND. We are the naked ape because we lost our fur while we lived in the ocean.
In her book, The Descent of Woman, she points out that when you live in the ocean, the only way to get attention is to vocalize. Your family can’t really see any part of you except your head, which is floating above water. So human beings (or their ancestors) learned to speak, just like whales and dolphins vocalize. Attention is what allowed survival. We could point out danger or food. We could communicate without body signals, by using vocalizations. But in the end it was about getting ATTENTION.
Spaths need attention. They feel like they can’t survive if they aren’t getting all the attention. Shame, is the feeling that you are excluded from humanity, rejected.
So you can think about all the reasons why your spath rejected you and I’m sure he rationalizes all of them. But in the end, he just couldn’t stand not to get your attention, your emotions. You gray rocked him. It was devastating to him. Good for you.