Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Louise
You may remember that my spath was unfaithful to me. I was the wife. I came to realize that I was the main burner gal for my husband, and that he had lots of back burner gals lined up thinking they were my replacement. They weren’t. He had a hidden agenda. He cheated to punish me for holding him accountable, for expecting him to honor his promises, to blame me for HIS choices and HIS lies.
When I left him, he got a new front burner gal and kept all the back burners. I wondered what they told themselves. Did they not realize there were more than one of them? No, I think they believed whatever he said. There has only been ONE mainburner gal who got invited to our small town and that was b/c her family was from there. NONE of the other mainburners EVER was invited to local events or met his parents.
Of course, I was blamed for why my husband was shy of intimacy and comittment. Not a single one reasoned that his intimacy issues and failure to commit had any impact on our marriage and explained why he was cheating on me. THEY KNEW he was cheating for YEARS before I found out. I knew about a couple of women, separated after the first one I knew about, he claimed to have been railroaded into being with her by his family (made sense to me, if you knew his family, breaking up our marriage was a well known goal), but the second one was too much for me, in the midst of some other terrible mindfarks. I moved out, barely able to live, taking a shower was a BIG accomplishment. It was during the divorce that I found out about all these other women. NO WONDER we had so many phone hangups.
Bottom line? My cheating spouse was a cliche. I was his beard, and then when I threatened to reveal the truth, I became his scapegoat… at the same time he was SO tender and loving to me, telling me he didnt’ know why people were so vicious to me, why women kept coming on to him (some were blatant), and he didn’t know why people felt so entitled to interfere in our marriage.
I was the original MAIN burner, but ALL the other women have been variations of back burners. Even the ones who were Main burners after me were replaced the minute they thought it was time for them to talk committment. No, he didn’t smear them, but he did drop them, one day so loving and affectionate, and the next day COLD and telling them they imagined a relationship that never existed except in their head.
They ALL thought he would never be a jerk to them b/c they didn’t deserve it. NOT a single one deduced that I didn’t deserve it either. (will also say, b/c he was married and they KNEW IT, his logic was that they were ho’s and deserved whatever he did to them.) I will say that NOW, I am SO ASHAMED to have married him. I don’t want any of my friends to know I married someone like him. He was handsome when we married but now, his face has a look like a weazel, that long pointy nose, small narrow eyes, tight thin lips, and a smile that never reaches his eyes.
I do try to tell people here, Married means married. It’s a RED FLAG b/c a decent man would have enough respect for a woman he cared for to be emotionally, mentally, and LEGALLY available for a relationship. ANY less and he’s got a hidden agenda going on. Are there awful wives? YES! And ya know what? Men don’t have any hesitation getting a divorce from them!
Best, Katy
This is a hard post to write right now.
I finally found love – real love. It took me two years to trust him. This last third year we became closer than ever. We lived 350 miles apart – he flew 3 out of 4 weekends to see me since I have kids – sometimes 4 out of 4. He was going to move here to be with us…
Something changed between Thanksgiving and New Years and I don’t know when or why – I wasn’t even aware until he made excuses and did not come see me for 3 weeks in a row. We had had a wonderful Christmas – our third with his family, or so I thought. The last time I put him on a plane home January 7 – my daughter’s birthday. He couldn’t muster the courage to tell me what was happening for him and he ended it – and all the while it had seemed clear a ring and a date was imminent. Even his family is in shock and saddened.
I am mourn the loss of our daily communication, he made sure his presence was felt even from afar with texts and calls and we had a wonderful time together.
Something changed and it had little to do with me and everything to do with me.
We are both in recovery but apparently he felt the need to try “drinking like a gentleman” again – or maybe not – I really do not know what happened. He took up with a woman who would co-sign that behaviour – telling me she is nothing and it is me he loves but he has to do this (WTH?)
I am by turns sad, very little anger although at moments I do hate him for what he has done to me and my two kids – and mostly – and amazingly very quickly recovering from it. Gaining acceptance daily at an amazing pace.
I believe with all my heart it is because this was the healthiest most loving relationship I have ever had. He wanted nothing but for me to be happy. He admired me, supported me emotionally as I raise two children and run a business by myself. He never asked me to change or be anything but myself. I was not a “source of supply” in any way other than as a beloved partner.
It seems so odd to me that this wonderful relationship is easier to watch end than the partings from the jerks and crazy men that fill my past – those relationships I left claw marks on whether the parting was initiated by me (always long past expiration date) or more rarely by them (why leave a good source – right?)…
So practicing taking deep breathes and remembering my Creator loves me – that the sooner I let go and the cleaner I keep the space the quicker something wonderful will fill it. (I do not necessarily mean a man so much as life will fill it in a good way.)
My biggest fear… That I somehow – even having had this experience – will succumb to another nutter. So I pray and try to relax and be at peace – and yes I cry.
Why is a pointless question – I’ll never know why. He said he knew he was probably making the biggest mistake of his life but that he had to do it. What can I say? He thinks maybe he could knock on my door and try to repair it later but really – what could he possibly ever say to allow me to trust him again?
I cannot imagine anything he could say that could repair the damage he has done – and that is so healthy for me. With the nutjob I suffered from Stockholm Syndrome and each time it seemed like we had reached an end no matter how badly he behaved I would take him back.
It took me awhile to get used to it but at least now I know what love looks and feels like. And I know when someone I love, who loves me, needs to be set loose I can do it and maintain my dignity and self worth.
breckgirl, you sound strong and clearminded, and if I’ve understood correctly this man chose to start drinking again? And that you are both recovering from alcoholism? Wonderful to read you took the right steps for safeguarding your own sobriety. Peace and love to you x
Lou, you are a strong capable girl and you have those answers you just want to talk through the crappy difficult feelings that come with them and that’s why we’re here. You have grasped the answer yourself; he wanted you to behave like a contented mistress and when he saw you were not willing to play that part he shut down the you and him production and no doubt put out a casting call and holding auditions for a new more compliant and grateful mistress. You are OK Lou, you’re months into NC and the pieces are falling into place. See you for coffee later?! x
Tealight – I have 21 years of wonderful – thank God for Your Grace – recovery. I was 8 years sober before I had my first child – I will be forever grateful for this blessing.
He had less time than me. Much less. He may not be drinking yet but I am sure he is headed there as he started taking pills… Whatever else he does and what his path may be it is no longer my business. I am grateful he did not move here to be with me and my two children and drag us through the horrendous pain of watching someone we so love and admire self destruct. I have to remind myself daily to be grateful that the loss and pain are not worse – because I know it could be far worse.
Thank you for your message ~ Breck
Kim, completely in agreement that they objectify all women. The objects just have different functions; high octane sex, child rearing, lending air of respectability (wife) lending air of virility and power in front of male colleagues (OW) etc. I LOVE your point that the man’s wife is bored to death of him. They are legends in their own minds looking always for applauding audiences. A wife sees the banality of their evil. The dreary day in day out tedious soul eroding cliche. No romance, no nurturing, just abuse. Kim and Katy thank you, these are life lessons that should be taught to young girls as part of their education to help prepare them for the world. Peace and love all x
Breckgirl, bless you you sound so serene and at peace with your decision despite the pain of your loss. Hope to read more from you. Have a wonderful day x
Breckgirl, it’s good to “see” you and I’m sorry for your disappointment. You DO sound accepting of whatever has happened and that you’re focusing on yourself.
(((HUGS))) Hold tight to your recovery, Breckgirl. It’s YOURS and nobody else’s.
Brightest blessings
Dear Breck girl, I am so sorry for your loss of what you thought was a new forever love.
I admire your strength and resolve to stay strong iin your disappointment and pain. God bless ((((Hugs))))
KatyDid:
I know. The married men who are cheating pretty much all act the same. They want the wife and all the backburners. And I agree…married is married. I will NEVER, ever again have a relationship with a married man…ever. It is a huge red flag.
To answer your question, I don’t know about your husband’s mistresses, but I KNEW he had other girls…I KNEW I was not the only one which made me even more stupid! There is pain in that. But I have to say, he never promised me the moon and stars…he never promised me anything. It was all in MY head because he has an uncanny ability to make one feel like they are special. Bottom line. It really wasn’t anything more or less. He just has a very playful and fun quality that makes people want to be around him…can’t explain it. There were times I was out with other people and he would not be there (of course) and these other people would even ASK where he was! This happened on multiple occassions…that is how charasmatic he is…people WANTED him to be around. It was a pull…I just can’t describe it. I believe that is why it is hard for me to forget…the psychological damage that came along with it.
It’s too bad that the other women didn’t care to think that you didn’t deserve what was happening. I sure did. I thought about his wife a lot and what she must go through living with him. I can only imagine. I am sure it is a wild roller coaster ride. I am sorry to all the wives here. I hate that you all had to go through this. It’s one reason I don’t ever want to marry again. I don’t think they can be trusted and it’s bad to feel that way, but I do.