Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
Hear Hear Kim. I feel like you are speaking to me. Am going to go have a cup of tea and celebrate being free. and yes, My X! def nc’d me first. I was never lonlier than I was as a married woman.
Truthspeak:
Thanks. Six months seems like a lifetime, but I am getting there. I can’t wait until I feel like I have dodged a bullet. In my mind, I already know it is true, but in my heart, not so much yet. It’s the illusion he created and that is very hard to break. I really do hope that someday I hear something about him that he has done or something that has happened that is so bad, that I realize I truly have dodged a bullet…so I can say, wow, I am glad I am not with him!
Thanks for reminding me that everyone is on the backburner…yep. HE is the only one in the forefront. Everyone else is in the background…burning!
darwinsmom:
I can totally relate to you. That is how I acted and what happened to me. Yes, my gut was telling me to not get hooked so I was not showing him my emotions. But the problem was, I WAS falling in love with him. He didn’t know it, but I was. Much later when he found out, he seemed surprised and then all the lovebombing started again, but it was just a cat and mouse game. He knew he had me then and that’s when the games began.
My best friend tells me the same thing…that I acted the right way with him, I did the right thing by ignoring him etc. because he was married and she is right. But why doesn’t it feel that way? I guess it’s because inside, I feel like if I would have acted differently perhaps we could have had a relationship, but of course we KNOW that is NOT the case. Haha, it’s laughable. There would have never been a relationship of any substance. I have often wondered what would have happened if he was single and available, but I have a feeling it would have been the same heartache as I can only imagine that even then, he would not have been faithful. He may have even been more ruthless as he really would be free to do whatever he wanted. Being married did reign him whether we want to believe it or not. It did control his life much more than if he would be single…God, I hate to even think of it…he would have been totally out of control and that’s a scary thought because even married, he was an out of control mess!
Thanks so much for your insight…as always it was on the money.
I like Steve Harvey….never knew he felt compassionate towards women and wanted to help them!Very interesting comments that I’ve read so far!Especially the one about the jerk turning the queen into a bag lady;I really identified with that one!But I’m regaining my dignity!
Loiuse, if they will cheat WITH you, they will cheat ON you. So, if he was single and available, he may have thought you were “THE ONE”, idealized you, perhaps married you, but he would then D&D you, and go after new sources of supply….we are all expendable, and none of us can compete with ALL OF THEM….all those as yet uncultivated sources of narcissistic supply out there, just waiting to be tapped into, by our oh so charming narcissistic ass.
kim:
You are a sweetheart. Kim…it was NOT your fault. Like you said earlier, there is nothing you could do or say to please him…no one ever will. He is the problem.
I still think so too that he doesn’t want anything from me because he knows I wanted more and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t need another wife. It makes all the sense to me.
Scousepath also had all those things you list in the ball of narcissism…the sexual addiction, the ED (he had to have taken Cialis with me), the intimacy issues, torture by triangulation (and boy is it torture!).
That is the problem I am obviously having Kim…the psychological trauma bond…can’t let go of it even though the physical was done almost three years ago! That makes me feel crazy! I feel there must be something wrong with me and then have to remind myself it is what it is. I can’t help I still feel this way and it’s because of HIS manipulations, not anything I did.
I hope YOU are having a good day! I am TRYING not to ruminate today. I have been very down since Friday with the stuff with my mom and she is still calling me a lot…she called 19 times yesterday and was still calling me at 11PM last night and she NEVER does that so things are obviously getting worse. I am feeling a bit better today. I am going out to dinner with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time so that’s a nice thing to look forward to and my HappyLight is giving me more energy. Not making me any happier, but more energetic!
Bless you!
Louise,
I kinda had my doubts about these guys… but I didn’t know about spaths and was never involved enough to go through the whole relationshit day in and day out.
Because of the ex-spath, with whom I underwent every part of the downward spiral: engagement, trying to get a child, welcomed by the family as his lifesaver, but also the gaslighting, stealing, assault by his mates, sleepless night after night… and lots of crazy stuff I don’t only accept red flags in theory, but fully within my heart. Once he discarded me the illusion barely had a grip over me. And when I see several of them in someone else, from my past, I accept it enough to know these men were at the least toxic. They may not be full blown psychopaths as the ex was, but I don’t even want have anything to do with someone only half-spathic. I have become allergic to it. Any of the red flags is “bad” imo now, and it would make me “sick” to be around such a person for any long time. It’s like someone who ate a bad mussle and can’t eat or even smell them anymore without getting a visceral rejective response to muscles afterwards.
I think because you never fully went through the nightmare of such a relationshit day in and day out that you have such a hard time letting go of the illusion in your heart, even if you do in your mind.
Is there an ex of his who can share her torturous relationshit and her then agony with you? It’s not just heartache, it’s purely a stress nightmare of drama from start to finish, day by day, hour by hour, minute to minute, even during the lovebombing.
kim:
We posted over each other.
Yep, I know there is no way he would be faithful even in a supposedly commited dating relationship. You are right…he may have even married me if he were single and free, but I KNOW he would have never stayed true. That is helping me today…helping me to realize what I would have gotten…what I would have had to put up with! Do I want that?? NO!!! No one wants that. I know God has better plans for me. HUGS.
This is what happened daily even in the lovebombing stage… hope it helps to imagine what relationshit you would have gotten (;-) )
Discussing plans of the day: I didn’t mind if he’d go do something on his own, as long as I’d know, and then I could organize or plan my day actives for myself. But before any such discussion happened he’d say he was off to the shop and then be back to go do something together. He said it in such a casual way, that each time I truly believed he’d only be off for max 10 minutes. The result was that he was gone for 1, 2 or even 3 hours. You wait 10 mins, then another 20 mins more… ended up thinking, he’ll be back in another half hour. Before I knew afternoon after afternoon was wasted away. Same thing in the evenings when we went out. He’d leave me alone in a bar for hours, sometimes leaving me without a dime on me to even order a drink… while I didn’t even have the key to go home and enter his house.
In Belgium we’d go out and he’d be even the one to initiate the proposal of going home. But just when we’d be ready to leave, or we actually DID leave, he’d change his mind, create some argument as an excuse to be by himself or some errand at the night shop. Since by then I wanted to go sleep, I’d go home by myself, lay awake for an hour. He wouldn’t come home, so I’d lie awake worried what might have happened, but also angry, too angry to fall asleep. Eventually when I DID fall asleep, he’d arrive home… Ii’d be relieved and he’d be oh so nice to me, and just when I’d think he’d join me, he’d say he had to go down to say goodbye to the “new friend” he had made, or pay the cabdriver, or some other reasonable excuse… instead of saying goodbye he’d go out with this person for several hours more. I went through the whole shit of emotions again.
Of course there were nights that he’d propose himself to stay home, and we’d have a great night, but then just when I felt totally secure he wouldn’t pull such stunts on me anymore, he’d do it, even the same night.
I simply could not count on him to EVER take me in to consideration, whether it was money, planning or sleeping. Instead I was basically stood up on everything imaginable on a daily basis, from trivial to important stuff, including whatever he had organized or planned for us himself.
darwinsmom,
Your description of being left reminded me of what the spath I was involved with did.
First, our relationshit really got started in December. Right before Christmas, when he was scheduled to spend time with his parents, he took me out for a romantic dinner. It was generally a nice evening but under the guise of smoking cigarettes, he left the table and went outside. He was gone for so long that the waitress brought our food and then she went out and told him to come inside.
Later in the relationshit, shortly after he’d moved in with me, we took a vacation together. It was a trip he’d prepaid before we met and it turned out to be a timeshare sales pitch (which was something he managed not to know ahead of time despite questions from me and my family). Part of it was a cruise which was why he wanted to go on the trip. It turned out to be a very old ship and the trip was an overnight to an island and then an overnight back. During dinner on the overnight over (after he’d had an absolute fit about making a dinner reservation), he started not feeling well. He disappeared for about a half hour, leaving me again alone at the table (which we’d had to share with another couple that wasn’t very friendly to us) without a key to the cabin or any idea of where he’d gone. I was wearing a dress with no pockets so I hadn’t brought my own key. I left the table to find him without success and when I returned, he still wasn’t there. He came back eventually but the dinner was pretty well spoiled. I guess I was already getting used to experiencing this with him.
On another occasion, shortly before he moved in with me, I had tickets to a chamber music concert. He showed up at my house late and drunk already, talked to his teenaged daughter on the phone until she hung up on him because he was so drunk. We had very limited time to eat (and he is diabetic so it was important to eat) so we went to the neighborhood pub. He got a drink while we were waiting for the food and then when he asked for a glass of wine with his dinner, the restaurant refused to serve him. We arrived late to the concert so had to stand outside for the whole first movement. After the intermission, he had a precipitous blood sugar drop that was very scary. In the cab ride home (with me paying for everything, of course!) he was apologetic. But once we got home, I broke down a bit because it should have been a wonderful, relaxing evening and it was completely the opposite. He told me “Get over it!”
Looking back with my 20/20 hindsight, even if I had not heeded the earlier warning signs, I should not have let him move in with me after that evening. Too many red flags to count!