Lovefraud recently received the following email:
Hi Donna,
I’m a huge fan of LoveFraud and can’t thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you’ve found a wonderful man. So have I, and we’ve been dating about a year. He’s an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries!
Still, I’m finding it difficult to let go and love him. I’m really surprised how long it’s taking me to let go of my fear. (I’ve been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.)
Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don’t hook up with another one. But what about when you find a good guy? I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences, how long it took them to relax into love, and anything they did to facilitate the process.
First of all, I am very glad that you have found someone special. So let’s address the situation that you’ve brought up letting go of fear so that you can fully enjoy your new relationship.
Here’s the most important concept to understand: The key to finding and enjoying a good, healthy relationship always lies within ourselves.
If you’re still feeling fear about the new relationship, it means that you have more healing to do. This is not a bad thing. Keep in mind that when it comes to our emotional lives, another word for “healing” is “growth.” So as you move forward, you’re getting to the deeper issues that may still stand in the way of emotional fulfillment. When you address them, you grow.
Whatever you’ve been doing to get to where you are now, keep doing it, focusing on the last remnants of the fear that you feel:
- If you’ve been working with a therapist, ask him or her to help you.
- If you’ve been journaling, ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and write the answers.
- If you’ve been processing your emotions, allow yourself to feel the fear, until it is released.
- If you’ve been meditating, focus on the fear, and let the cause come into your awareness.
- If you’ve been using EFT tapping, state the fear as the problem you want to resolve.
Emotional growth is a lifelong process. All relationships are opportunities for growth.
Interim steps
Sometimes there are interim steps between getting rid of the sociopath and finding a true life partner.
If you’ve read my first book, Love Fraud, you may remember that I started dating a man, John, seven months after I left my sociopathic husband. John was a normal, affectionate, caring man. We had a lot of fun, and I truly felt love with him.
The relationship ended 10 months later. Quite frankly, the end of that relationship hurt more than the end of my marriage. My ex-husband had betrayed me. I grieved the loss of my money, stability and self-esteem. But I no longer loved him; I was glad to get rid of him. When John and I broke up, I was heartbroken. We did share a love, and it was gone.
Eventually I realized that my relationship with John was never meant to be permanent. We were both taking the initial tentative steps out of emotional disappointment. We cared for each other and supported each other for almost a year, and then it was time for both of us to move on.
Our partner’s problems
Even with Terry, who is now my husband, there was a time about a year into our relationship when it almost came apart. The problem wasn’t our relationship, but other issues in Terry’s life that made him feel like he couldn’t continue.
Sociopaths, of course, often have problems in their lives. So how do we tell the difference between a healthy person with a problem, who deserves our love and support, and a sociopath who will be an unending source of turmoil?
The difference is that when a sociopath has a problem, we’ll feel manipulated, deceived or bullied into fixing it. When a healthy person has a problem, we won’t feel used when we’re offering support.
I knew that Terry had to face his issues. I hoped that we’d be able to stay together, but there was a chance that our relationship would end. I knew that if that happened, it wasn’t because I was deficient. I’d be unhappy, but I’d eventually pick myself up and start again.
Always risk
Keep in mind that there’s always risk involved in entering a relationship, whether or not you were previously betrayed by a sociopath, and even if the other person is relatively healthy. When you reveal the contents of your heart, there is a chance that your feelings may not be reciprocated and you’ll end up with a broken heart. In short, that’s life.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may mean that you and the other person were only meant to travel together for a short time. It may also mean that the person was just a stepping stone to the real love of your life.
Love is a leap of faith. As you heal, you’ll be able to find the courage to make the leap.
It all, always comes down to the fact that these guys are unable to consider anyone else…it is always all about them. They are the only one who matters. They are entitled to have it that way. They are incapable of respect, and they will punish you if you ask for it.
I read somewhere that if you submit to this kind of treatment, you become depressed, and if you don’t submit, you become abused…although I would say that this kind of behavior is already abusive, and already trauma bonding, and already very damaging.
Sparklehorse,
I imagine that if you have kids, they’d spoil any plans with the kids. If you’re married and they have a job they’ll first call you to give you head’s up of the time they’ll be home, and then they don’t show up, the foods gets petered out or cold, and have some excuse. Or they’ll stress you out about the boss and his wife coming to dinner last minute, only to have you impress his boss and his wife all by yourself, while the spath himself never shows up. There are thousand scenarios available where they can spoil your time and stand you up.
Kim,
true… I’ve always been a very active person who never had any issues to do stuff all by myself. But I became so lethargic about ‘going to do anything’ that I didn’t want to do anything anymore, nor could enjoy it, whether it was something by myself or with him. It was horrible. The life of the party that I used to be had totally disappeared. By the end I’d go to a birthday party of a friend, and after an hour I’d start to look for some excuse to get away ASAP… I simply could NOT enjoy my time there, and felt totally out of place, and him just preying on my mind constantly. UGH!
And honestly, this still kinda affects me. Plans that involve getting out of the house and do something with others have become fluid to me: I don’t count on other people to appear, and if it feels like too much of an effort to leave (if I’m in some funk) I won’t go myself. It’s not severe, I do stuff, and when I do go I enjoy myself tremendously. But the going has become a struggle I still need to overcome, and I may appear later than others (at social occasions that do not have an actual start-time). Only thing where I don’t have this is for work.
Yeah Dar, they erode our self esteem to the point of extinction. And they will never be happy til they have us entirely wiped out….then of course they leave….and are disgusted by us….because we are so pathetic.
Louise,
if he needed to use Cialis with you, I’ll bet he prefers men. The womanizing is a cover to make people think he’s a ladies man. And the wife is a beard too. Anything that a spath DOESN’T hide is part of a mask. They lie about everything.
I think you’ve gotten to the crux of the matter but you probably don’t believe it. All spaths will have sex with both males and females. My ex-spath seemed SO masculine that I NEVER would have imagined it.
The reason I say that the male spaths prefer male sex partners is because that’s their secret. Having sex with men while everyone thinks they are straight, gives them duper’s delight.
BTW, sorry you didn’t like Elaine’s book. My other friend is trying to read some books by Rene Girard and she thinks they’re boring too. I guess that means I’m boring because I like boring books. Yay for me!! I’ve achieved permanent gray rock! 🙂
Skylar, with respect, that’s a very sweeping generalisation , that all psychopaths/sociopaths are bisexual. Whilst noone here could prove a negative proposition (I can’t proof the psycho I was involved with doesn’t sleep with me, some gay male members perhaps can’t prove the gay male paths they encountered don’t have sex with women) it’s highly unlikely what you say holds true for all those with these disordered personalities? Some, sure. Most, perhaps. All? No, that’s very unlikely x
Tea Light,
I know it DOES seem unlikely. Everything about a spath seems unlikely. There is not ONE thing about the spaths that I could have predicted. I was completely oblivious that there existed, walking among us, these creatures who present the exact 180° opposite of what they actually are.
I know it seems to be a sweeping generalization. But then to say that all spaths are liars, all spaths cheat, all spaths wear a mask, all spaths are filled with envy. Those are also sweeping generalizations. When a generalization is accurate, it becomes the definition of a spath.
Since spathy is considered to be on a scale, per Hare’s PCL-R and promiscuous behavior is ONE of the traits on the PCL-R, then I guess we could say that “how often” a person is promiscuous, might be part of that scale.
Since Louise’s spath was VERY promiscuous, AND he needed Cialis to be with her, I think it would be a safe bet to say that he preferred someone who was different from Louise, perhaps male?
Also, Tealight, I speak from experience. I know several spaths that are that way. They pretend to be straight but they are not. They hate women, only use them to hurt them, prefer to have sex with men and they need assistance to get it up with women. With the exception of 2 of these guys, I would NEVER have guessed it. Most of them pretend to be homophobic.
Sky, men experience erectile dysfunction for many reasons, as you know. Particularly after they hit 40 or if, like Lou’s scousepath, they are alcoholic.
My experience was similar to that of many women sexually involved with a male psychopath. He wanted sex constantly, and erectile dysfunction was never the issue. x
Tea Light
it is impossible to know what was going on in the life of Louise’s spath. frequently spaths don’t know what is going on with themselves! they are THAT OUT OF TOUCH!
i only found out many terrible things about my spath b/c he left a back door open and i was able to read his seduction of MANY women at a time when he claimed to be celibate and alone, waiting for me to beg to be with him. I had a front row seat to him, mask off, and it sure revealed a whole lot about his M. O. and pretense.
my spath was “very nicely put together” as i would tell him. but not so interested in sex. he said he just didn’t have the need that i did. he implied there was something wrong with me b/c i was so sexual. but i refused to seduce him. i had been raised with a pedophile father and i just can not bring myself to be seductive or act horny. it makes me feel icky. I am comfortable being caring and loving and honoring and love making, but hard core sex diva? No, that’s not me.
later i found out that his need was less b/c he had been giving it away before he got home. if Louise’s spath needed Cialis to be with her, there are several perfectly valid explanations and one mentioned by Louise is that she wasn’t the only other woman. sounds to me that he was just outta gas… and had to revive the carburetor. or maybe withholding was just one of his forms of contempt. i know that was one tool from my spath’s playbook, to purposely turn me on and then pretend he didn’t know why I thought we were going to have sex. I also know my spath took great pride in CONTROLLING his behaviors, so wanting and not having sex would be a point of pride for him, none having anything to do with bisexual sex.
nonetheless, someone being ADAMENT that spaths are all bisexual is opinon and speculation? Is no more and no less valid than anyone else’s opinion and speculation. Don’t worry about someone taking their experience and ANNOUNCING that they are the only one with the knowledge. Anyone who demands that you submit to their interpretation is not showing respect that you have a differing valid opinion and obviously has a separate agenda.
darwinsmom:
I think that is really what happened. I got left in the “idealization” phase…the illusion. If I would have been able to be in the relationship long enough to put up with all his crap and hate him, I wouldn’t be where I am now. But because he is still an illusion to me, that is where I am stuck. It is a conscious effort to say stop and realize the real deal.