Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Good to know,. Presumably, in the case of a relationship with a P, we become like the lab rats that keep going back to press the same button that once rewarded them with food, only now delivers a shock. Once rewarded, the rat will keep hitting the same button, despite a punishment, in the hopes of getting the earlier reward.
I would love to know what part of the P’s brain lights up when they have acheived their objective. By feigning affection, they are able to coax love from their victims, which to the P is a dose of power and control. Do they have predator receptors that light up and give them pleasure? And does that response keep them addicted to inflicting more pain?
If so, my ex must have been a very pleased, if not happy P.
The S I volunteered with was always involved in an affair or running from his last broken hearted victim. He was/is attractive apparently, but some of his partners have been extremely chatty. From what they’ve said, I’d say he was/is unusually lousy in the sack.
This didn’t stop them from being heartbroken over the affair when it ended. From what I saw, devalue and discard seemed to happen immediately after the first instance of intimacy.
Any way, this topic is a bit over my head. I’m 47, but extremely old fashioned when it comes to this sort of thing. I won’t be posting further. All I have to contribute is the perspective that prowess didn’t seem to be all that important to the lovelorn lasses who shed tears over that particular S.
Fantastic! love it! GREAT!
If only more of those on the net would read this and then understand just how careful they need be. Sex isn’t a game to be play loosely but should always be something to take with caution and care. But whenever we take on a new lover we need to know the risks and weight it carefully…
The S I was involved with had the ability to convince everyone that I was the predator. Even when they knew all of the horrible things that he had done to me and other women.
He convinces them that I caused him to leave his family. It was even my fault when his life started to fall apart. His 13 year old daughter could no longer decipher right from wrong. She loves her brother with me but now rationalizes with her father’s unwillingness to be in the child’s life.
The crazy part of this story is this man has 6 other children with 5 different women but has been with a wife for 13 years and has no children with her. The wife justifies his actions by saying at the time he made the children, they were arguing. She placed the blame on herself.
That is the power an S has over his victims.
I am glad that I understand and am free.
This is great Donna, thank you! Adds a new depth of understanding. And thanks for the summary at the end, it made it all very clear.
What follows after their seduction? (And here I use “seduction” to mean high warmth with LOW intentions) A SUDDEN reversal. It may happen instantly, it may happen in three to four months. The only certain thing is it WILL happen.
And so there we are, in love and bonded, and suddenly the rug is pulled out from underneath us.
And IF the devastation was not total enough to have burned every bridge, they may come back saying “wait, I do love you, I do want you”, and we are forgiving, loving people, still bonded, despite the sudden reversal that left us spinning, and so the cycle continues.
DAng it. I had been living in the south and going to a wonderful christian/episcopal– and very odern/active church when I met him. Do you kow– he even went with m e sometimes and then — after all is said and done– his is an atheist- even gong to metup groups for it? My gosh– he even used the house Of God to get into my heart and pants.
anyway– how do I forgive myself– we are not supposed to have sx without marriage– and I fell for his “We are forever Meg” and seduction and lies and tears and stories.
If I had seriously– trusted God’s word and not done it with this guy–
I would not be a jobless, depressed, washed out, messed up woman with nothing but PTSD and depression/hopelessness right now?
Thanks for letting me vent.
This is scientific proof of what every mother knows about her teenager! Hormones RULE and make your brain go into neutral! Doesn’t surprise me at all that this has been proven scientifically, we all knew it really. “Love” makes us go blind, deaf and DUMB (in the sense of stupid, not can’t talk!) It makes the beloved more handsome/beautiful, and the sexiest thing on the planet.
There have even been studies showing what type of body makes a man more aroused and it is also BIOLOGICALLY BASED–big surprise? NOT! Males are attracted to a certain shape and age of woman because she is more fertile and this is programmed into the biology of their sexual arousal. If it weren’t the species would have become extinct eons ago. Spread those genes is the males’ mantra, and care for your child is the woman’s and try to keep the male around long enough to help you do it.
Sex SHOULD be a “bonding ritual” between two people who love each other (healthy relationship) but the Ps can’t bond, so they move around a lot for the sex, not the bonding. If we are BONDED to a P, we are just S.O.L. and they will NOT stay faithful, so we are setting ourselves up for failure when we bond with them.
During the 60’s the era of “free love” when the younger generation started indiscriminate sex with anyone they were attracted to and even “nice girls” started having many sexual partners and “one night stands,” promiscity started becoming no longer a “bad idea” or a “sin” but more acceptable. Girls were no longer “expected” to be virgins when they married and the “double standard” (one for males an one for females) “ended.”
When I was working as director of student health at a college I was amazed that almost all of the students were freely sexually active and many of the young women had had upwards of 20 sexual partners by the time they were in college. Very few had less than five (5). It just seemed “normal” to them to start having sex if not on the first date, on the second or third.
Now the latest catchwords seem to be “friends with benefits” so that if you don’t have a romantic relationship and you have a male friend who is also “between” partners, you have sex together! Sheesh! It doesn’t make sense to me, mayb e I am just old fashioned. I’m NO PRUDE, but to me “casual” sex would not be an option for me, because I would “bond” with anyone I was intimate with or I couldn’t be intimate with them.
To say NOTHING of the risk for diseases, and not only HIV but MANY LIFE-THREATENING DISEASES that are not even slowed down by condoms.
I like sex as much as anyone I know, and more than many I know, but the thought of being intimate with anyone but a committed partner that I knew for certain was not sleeping around, is totally repulsive to me. REPULSIVE. If someone is intimate with me, and still wants to be intimate with someone else, THERE IS NO ‘LOVE’ involved on his part, and I don’t want to be intimate with anyone who does not LOVE me totally to the exclusion of all other women.
Here too, I was in some serious denial. I remember the first time we were beginning to get physically close. IT DIDNT FEEL RIGHT TO ME. I couldnt tell whether he was shy/scared or uninterested or a robot or what it was, but before anything happened – I had the wherewithall to say – this doesnt feel right to me. He said what do you mean? I said you are leaving everything up to me, almost as if you could take it or leave it kind of thing…? I said Im sorry, but I really want to be with someone who cant resist me! ( I ACTUALLY SAID THOSE WORDS) – we had a very “open” friendship I felt safe saying ANYTHING to him. So we didnt argue, I just gathered myself and said goodbye that night. THAT WAS WHEN I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LOOKED BACK. DAMN ME. But the next day he called and said “Nobody has ever said that to me, and I just want you to know that I CANT RESIST YOU, I just was nervous, etc. etc. BUT THE TRUTH IS HE TRULY DIDNT BELIEVE ANYTHING WAS WRONG WITH THE WAY HE JUST EXPECTED ME TO THROW MYSELF AT HIM (OR SOMETHING??), BECAUSE HE IS UNABLE TO “DEEPLY CONNECT” WITH ANYONE. I CANT QUITE EXPLAIN IT. I JUST KNEW IT DIDNT FEEL RIGHT FROM DAY 1. ODDLY ENOUGH I WAS ALREADY HOOKED AFTER A YEAR OF A PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP, I HAD FALLEN, AND TRANSITIONING OVER FROM JUST FROMS TO A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, I THOUGHT CAME WITH THESE KIND OF OBSTACLES (MY EXCUSES FOR IT BACK THEN) – BUT A BRIGHT BURNING RED FLAG IT TRULY WAS.
AND HERES THE CONONDRUM – THE PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE I HAD WITH HIM RAISED THE BAR. BUT IT WAS FROM WITHIN ME, NOT ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR HE DID, BECAUSE FRANKLY HE WAS RATHER ROBOTIC. AT THE TIME I ABSOLUTELY THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE OF OUR ENTIRE UNION/CONNECTION, BUT NOW I SEE OR BELIEVE THAT WAS NOT THE CASE. IT WAS MY LUST, MY ROMANTIC ATTRACTION AND MY ATTACHMENT TO RELATIONSHIP THAT DISTORTED LOVE, SEX AND MY BRAIN W/MY S. 🙁
Well, now we know more about the chemistry and brain waves. The problem is still the conscience…the S doesn’t have it and doesn’t care. As Oxy says, we threw out the societal mores and religious instruction for “freedom for all.” Remember: “If it feels good, do it.” “If you’re not with the one you ‘love’, ‘love’ the one you’re with.” If your brain’s defenses aren’t down enough…drugs and/or alcohol.
Well, I guess I’ve been all sides of it. Live and learn. Back to the conscience…whom are you hurting? The predators roam free, and the targets get hurt.
Well, after three years alone, I still feel the need. Once in a while, loneliness drives you out in the open, ripe for attack. There are predators out there, and a lot of wounded victims. A lot of fear. I have rebuilt boundaries, and try to respect those (sometimes walls) of others. I don’t do internet dating sites, bars, and am careful when I go to church.
Who gets hurt? Good, trusting, loving people. Children.
Back to rules and promises. My youngest daughter. I have promised her she’ll never find a woman in my house she’s never seen before. A woman will not come to visit and know her way around…my daughter’s not stupid. This is our home…a safe place for her. She says it’s time for me to “date”, she’ll be alright with it. She knows I have a “friend (no benefits).” The woman friend, I’m sure, has been hurt. She hasn’t trusted me with the full story, I just get glimpses here and there. Unfortunately, or not, the irresistable chemical attraction (mutual), may or may not be there. She’s attractive, hard-working, extremely intelligent and talented, and very guarded. I’ve offered her my friendship and time. I think she’d like my daughter and my daughter would like her. The doors open and close…
In the meantime, I’ll work on myself, to be a better man than I was. First thing is “do no harm.” I can’t force my needs or wants on someone else, if they’re not ready, or willing. I’m delighted when I see her, I think of her with a smile (and some worry) when I don’t. I hope she’ll be happy and finds her dreams. If I’m not the one, I hope someone else is. I don’t want her hurt again, but I don’t have the power to stop it.
If real love appears, I hope I see it. If not, I’ll still be OK. I’ve got a lot of work to do on me yet.
I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. Shelter, food, transportation, good daughters doing well. Books, music…Lovefraud to remind me….
But each day gets better, after the toxic one and chaos.
There’s always hope, after the pain…it fades with no contact. Life will be good…and now I know about sex, brains, and chemicals LOL