Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
hey guys, just reading over all the posts and yes it’s very common esp with people with addictive personalities to thrive in chaos. When i first me the s i couldn’t wrap my mind around the thoughts that came out of him and i was intrigued to say the least , off to the races. I was at the very lowest point in my life as well and was looking for a good distraction from my divorce, drinking etc. When they diagnosed me with adult ADHD that made my whole life make sense, why i would be such a thrill seeker and end up places thinking ;what the hell am i doing here” and why i would find my ex husband boring (he’s normal ) and feel the urge to get out and risk take. Ys Kathleen i am a good girl and i agree we put up with way beyond what we should. I know when i was married my husband who was very balanced kept me under wraps so to speak and i had certain boundaries even though he was far from controlling. But i think i grew up to be attracted to the bizarre or to at least not be repelled by it. Im finding how unhealthy that is for me finally at age 48 and am slowly trying to wean myself away from most of the people who are still drinking, or personality disordered. My physicatrist feels that the s was one big project for me and i agree, a diversion but insteaad of dealing with the divorce i had the s throwing knives at me.
Dear Kind heart,
I’ve been “hyperactive” (more than attention deficit) most (all?) of my life, and I have a son who is very ADHD, but has functioned very well as an adult and functioned OK in school (he is also very bright). I also did well in school. However, I can relate to having that tendency Many Ps are ALSO ADHD as well, and/or Bi-polar as well. Those three things seem to be correlated but not all Ps are either bi-polar or ADHD, and not all with Bi Polar or ADHD are Ps. Any of those three conditions, or godforbid, all of them in one individual, can cause problems with functioning in a healthy manner.
Being ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t focus and control your impulses, it just may be more difficult. Everyone on earth has SOME “cross to bear” but we CAN function in spite of them, we can over come them if we make the decision to and stick to it. Just like drinking and the genetic tendency for alcoholism CAN be overcome, but is more difficult to over come in some people who don’t have the “genes” for it. But even a person without the genetic make up, CAN become a drunk if they drink to excess.
In the end, all of us DO what we chose to do, and if we choose to do something we know is not right, (and God knows I have done that enough times) we have to make a decision to NOT do that any more and stick to it, no matter how great the tempation to break that “vow” is. I’ve broken many vows to myself too, but I am determined THIS time that I won’t do those things. I may STILL break those vows in the future, I won’t say “never” (although I would like to say that!) But I will keep my determination and day by day, hour by hour, I will reinforce those vows.
Looking back and seeing what we have done wrong is good up to a point, because it lets us SEE where we rationalized why we were allowing the abuse, or bad behavior on our part. Learning to TRUST ourselves not to repeat it is difficult some times, but I am starting to TRUST ME to keep me safe. I haven’t been “trustworthy” to keep me safe in the past, I LIED to myself (denial) and Rationalized what I was doing, but I am doing my best to prove my trustworthyness–TO MYSELF. TO BE TRUE TO ME. TO NOT LIE TO ME. TO NOT RATIONALIZE MY BEHAVIIOR WHEN IT IS WRONG. TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY and to forgive myself AND trust myself. After I have BETRAYED myself, as much as any of the Ps ever betrayed me, I have to learn to TRUST this betrayer (myself) again. The only way I can do that, restore trust in myself, is for me to be GOOD TO MYSELF and to make healthy decisions and choices.
Start to regain trust again in YOURSELF by sticking to the vows you made TO YOURSELF. Don’t let that one half of you “rationalize” and “trivalize” what you do to yourself by breaking those vows. Every time you break a “vow to yourself” you have to go back to square one to try to reestablish trust in YOURSELF not to break those vows again in the future. Don’t beat yourself up for the past, just don’t repeat any of the behaviors…..the emotional part will eventually follow. (((((hugs)))))
I totally agree…it’s hard to know and they’re all toxic..but this np…or s….is scaring me more and more..u dont know what the truth is with these people…one day it’s one thing the next day it’s another–everyday it is another thing…I’m going to bed and then he starts telling me that his friends foudn blogs I wrote about him on the internet and things I never wrote…seemed like a guilt projection of something he did with a girl he was talking to on the phone…claiming that he’s ‘not the way I says he is”…then he says he needs to get away from me…and the cops are onto me… for slander i’ve written about him… he was leaving in two weeks and says something like “i’ll be gone just leave me alone for two weeks” and kept saying he could have been an asset to me and helped me out… I attempted to retort…then I’m afraid he’s scared b/c of the animal thing and keeps saying “it talks about the animal thing” and u dont knwo what the truth is…whether he’s projecting, messing with your head, telling the truth, scared or what not….but it left me frightened and wondering…either way I think the S is leaving or wanting to leave… but the entire situation is just scary overall…wondering what’s really going on….and if the truth is being told
i do agree too they warp your sense of people…you look at people so differently—even if u are cautious I know prior to this freak I didn’t trust people but after him..u truly do look at people and think….ok what kind of freak or jerk are you going to be…or …u can’t trust afterwards….or u start to think others can exhibit the sick insane behaviors they’ve done adn think it could happen again or could be norm…it’s just scary…
worse I don’t know if the np or s is mentally ill or not….statements he’s making whether he’s saying them under a disorder, only to mess with you… if he’s sane or rational while he’s saying them or for a specific purpose, or if they’re lies or truths….then sometiems theys eem so normal so it’s hard to tell who is who and what is real….
hi Ox, you know i was loyal to the s for 6 years and raionalized tha t it was morally alright as i was loyal and he couldn’t even have sex but i’ve come to realize that it was immoral on my part as i knew h e had women all along so i was not being true to myself. Everything i just read in your blog was me and still can be but im trying very hard with the no contact. His daugher just called again and i htouht i had gotten rid of her as she called all last weekend but i will continue to ignore. Good practice and getting to feel less guilty about it the stronger i get. Thanks Ox. as i know you are on the path ahead and i can read your posts and know it gets easier. kindheart
DEar Kindheart–don’t “TRY” no contact, DO IT! No contact with his daughter or him or even listening to anyone talk about him. ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NONE, ZILCH CONTACT. You can do it!!!
DearMelanie,
It doesn’t matter if he is “mentally ill” or a psychopath or troll, or a toad frog, HE IS POISON. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU.
My advice, for what it is worth is that you QUIT SPEAKING TO HIM, QUIT LISTENING TO HIM, JUST GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He is TRYING to drive you crazy. TAKE CONTROL and take back your sanity! As long as you try to make sense of what he says, and anything he says is a LIE, you WILL go “crazy”—you can’t untangle spagetti or a can of worms, or the lies and manipulations of a psychopath.
i agree and he has done just that, and continues…no touching no hugging no kissing no sleeping together…it drove me insane as we’re ‘living together’…then he calls me ‘crazy’ names…then makesme do this this and that…shower, make up heels…for tiny bits of affection that are horror…for a hug or even any kind of physical contact any touching..if i ask for anything he says im ‘demanding’ and i just awnt ‘more and more’ and all sorts of sick lies and bs…..then wants to tell my family im a ‘sex fiend’ for constnatly asking him for ‘hugs’ though im a virgin…he refuses sex with me or any contact…he fights yells screams plays games gives excuses…extreme control…then was into my cats and i was freaking out….then it goes back to him saying that…i ruined everything and there’s still ‘nosex’ and he’s getting out of my place b/c it’s like jail because i ask him for hugs or affection…I explain to him in any relationship ppl touch hug kiss normally…and he does none of that or even sleeps together and wont let me sleep wtih him..to get a touch out of him is hell and then he’s only aggressive/abusive… then it’s telling me im this or that and theres something wrong with me….i dont know how many p’s or s’s do just this…but I find it to be horrendous…like how can you put someone thru that kind of torture knowingly… refusing to lay a hand on yuor ‘girlfriend’ and keep saying “I DONT WANT TO”…he acted as if he was a sex slave though there was no sex….and wants to slander me into being a sex fiend…this same sick wicked man wanted to ‘pimp me out’ ie a virgin…and tried to get me addicted to sex–mentally or the notion of it but refusedto touch me himself… adn tells me to get with other guys…but will not even hug me…and said he was my boyfriend….its too crazy to fathom along with everything else….even the disordered don’t seem this mad…but maybe they are….i still keep trying to understand how a man can refuse to even touch a woman… and play tehse kind of sick games… and just awnt to abuse/degrade…and horribly… it still drives me crazy trying to understand it…
the same loser who says to his so-called ‘girlfriend” i dont want to touch you….will ask to have sex with her friends…will seemingly hit on anyone/anything around…is sexually attracted to the persons cats…seems to be into animals..seems to be some extreme kind of sex addict/maniac…or predator…but to his ‘virgin girlfriend’ or victim…withholding extremely…any normal parts of a relationship….hugging touching sleeping together being together…he sits in a room and waits for the girl to freak out… asking him fo ra hug or for anything…the same pesron prior to moving in talked about ‘ltos of sex’ tried to get the person addictedto the idea of sex… still wants to ‘pimp her out’ in some form…but won’t touch her himself….it was mind boggling…a sex addict refusing sex with a girlfriend…or ‘partner’ as he pretended she was…and keeps saying he doesn’t want to but will hit on anything or anyone…it is so freaky to witness this…or experience it…having to ask or keep asking…and the game a sadist like that plays…making the ‘girl’ hit on him, ask him constnatly, get rejected/refused constnatly….go through hell adn abuse just for a hug or any kind of affection…then the person literally saying he’s going to call the girl’s mother and tell her he’s being ‘extorted’ into sexual contact with her…while this sex fiend leaves the house and cheats and gets with other people–or animals…(speculatively) but not the girl and is trying to make ‘her’ out to be the sex fiend for trying to get something from her “boyfriend”….I wish I could write about this kidn of sick twisted horrific behavior…because im wondernig if all s’s are like this..or are just this twisted….or worse…and how people need to be warned of these kind of people
Dear Melanie,
You will never be able to “understand” exactly what he gets out of degrading and humiliating you…the closest you can get is to understand that it is all about CONTROL, about enjoying hurting someone else. It makes HIM feel bigger and better and in control if he can get you to humiliate yourself for a “crumb” of “affection.”
NO ONE who is normal treats anyone like he has treated you.
The question though, before you are able to “overcome” all this is “WHY did YOU allow this to go on for more than one time?”
I know that I have been humiliated, threatened and attempted to be killed by the psychopaths in my life (several family members) but the thing ultimately quit being about THEM and became ABOUT ME. What was it in me that made me allow ANYONE to treat me like that….over and over and over? Why did I allow this, why did I keep up a toxic malignant hope that they would CHANGE, or that there was anything that I could do to make them love me?
I have read and posted her for over a year, and during that time I have finally come to see the things about ME that made me keep hoping someone would change, when it was obviious that they did not love me, did not want to change, and tried to lay the blame for their weird, mean, evil and hateful things on to me?Why did I take that blame? Now I am realizing I cannot CHANGE THEM but I can learn about them, see how they act (they are remarkably alike in many ways) and learn how to spot the next nut job that comes along, and I am learning to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. Learning to set boundaries and learning that I DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE CRUMBS OF ‘FAKE LOVE” FROM ANYONE. I DO NOT HAVE TO LET ANYONE TREAT ME POORLY. I do NOT deserve to be treated like that, and neither do YOU! You deserve to be treated well, cared for. This man will never do anything except enjoy hurting you.
ONLY YOU can stop him, though, by getting him out of your life.
KEEP IN MIND THEY ARE PATHOLOGICAL LIARS. HE IS USING YOU FOR A PLACE TO LIVE…WHATEVER HE IS UP TO, HE IS DOING IT FOR HIMSELF, NOT YOUR BENEFIT. I suggest that you don’t give him two weeks, tell him to get out NOW! What happens in two weeks that it is okay for him to go then? What benefit is it for YOU for him to stay another two weeks?
He isn’t going to change. This man sounds like he is from MARS. Tell him to get out of your place, because you are not his jailer, the door is open, Get out NOW! ((((hugs)))) for you Melanie.