Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
hey thanks a lot oxdriver..:) and you’re totally right…sometimes I think it’s hard though beacuse ur tied to people who are abusive to yuo and u can’t get out…I know how you feel abuot family members i’ve had some N’s as well who’ve done similar things…and it’s horrible….I don’t think anyone truly expects to be treated badly but abuse is so horrific you become caught in the cycle because it’s traumatic and shocking…and you can feel helpless and trapped…and you’re so right that they do not love you and just want to control you…I think soemtimes people are fearful of abandonment loneliness and they see the ‘benefits’ there or positives and think they might lose out on those if there are any or they just fear….but you’re right this jerk is using for a place to live….and it’s for his benefit…and manipulating…i think it’s great.. you’ve found away to get away from these kind of people and relationships….and no one should take fake love…everyone deserves to have only respect/decency towards them….. and that’s true I wanted him out before the two weeks and still do…but I was scared to try to kick him out because of his behavior and the kidn of person he was… I hope you’re in a better relationship/situation now than you were before…i know for myself…im tryign to get the P’s otu fo my life…but it seems like its’ more of a process and not easy because they are so attached to wanting to hurt you or control you… but you are totally right…and this website is great to help people who aer dealing with con-artists and S’s…thanks and hugz to you too 🙂
Dear Melanie,
I am glad that you are starting to “get it” about him. (((hug))) HE will not voluntarily leave is my guess, he has a “good thing” there with you and he is just threatening to leave to make you beg him to stay….my suggestion is to tell him that he HAS TO LEAVE NOW, Pack his stuff up and tell him it will be outside if he is not out tomorrow. Call the police and tell them who you are and that you are requesting that he leave. I am not sure if they will send a cop or not, but if you are afraid of him, tell him that they are coming or have some friends come over when you tell him he must get out NOW. You are better off if you are not alone when you tell him this. He will rage and pitch a fit I am sure (they seem to take their plays from the “Psychopath’s play book”
Then tell him or have someone else tell him that you do NOT want to talk to him, to see him or speak to him again ever. That is called NO contact. and STICK TO IT no matter what he does. If he will not leave you alone, get a restraining order.
The only way to get these people out of your life is NO CONTACT. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, ABSOLUTELY NONE. It will be difficult at first.
Yes, I had a BF that was a P after my husband died, and I was so needy I thought I would nver find another person, but I am NO LONGER needy now. I am NOT in a relationship with a man, but that is OK. I am 62 and do not want a relationship with anyone who is not “Mr. Nice Guy” and I am not actively looking. If someone shows up, okay and if not, I am fine by myself.
I am no contact with one of my sons, who is a P, and with my mother who is his dupe and his enabler. My other two sons and I do not want anything to do with them. It was hard at first, but my life is turned around now and I am happy. I would rather live on a desert island alone for the rest of my life than be with someone who treats me poorly. I have put up with people treating me bad my eitire life, NO MORE. I have grown a back bone, and am staying away from ANYONE who is not NICE to me 100% of the time.
Good luck to you, sweetie! GEt this man out of your life! Stay here and read the articles in the archives posted on the left of the home page….it is worth a good read! The more you learn about how to spot these creeps early on the better and safer you will be. Knowledge=power. Take back your POWER and stay away from ANYONE who treats you poorly. You deserve to be treated well. DEMAND IT.
that is amazing insight oxdriver and you’re totally right. I had a really hard time trying to figure it out because it leaves you so confused..u dont know wht the truth is and thats how they work–wanting u to be confused/freaked out all the time…the descriptions u gave are so accurate and concise….degradation for a tiny bit of affection…or what is affection…to feel powerful… and the wanting you to beg him to stay….thanks so much…and that’s awesome to hear that you got away from the abusers and founda way to…and can live healthy rather than being abused….I wantedto get away from mine but got screwed and now I’m back into feeling like i ‘need’ them or theyre the only ones in my life…in any form…and thats their manipulation tactic…to make you dependent or unable to leave their abuse..and everyone keeps saying no contact and I guess that is true…u have to have no contact….I wish I culd get away and eventually will hopefully…one day….but it is better to be aloen than be abused by another or others.. that’s also great that u stay away from anyone who doesn’t treat u 100% nice….that’s really great…because that is so hard to do but if you’re wise enough you know it’s the only way to go and I think really be safe from people who just choose to abuse others…..I have a long ways of going about doing that but getting advice from you is just so amazing so thanks so much….and I will definitely hopefully find a way otu of this… and ur so right about taking back your power and keeping it…thanks so much 🙂
Dear Melanie,
I’m out of the house in a few minutes for a road trip for the day, but just wanted to tell you. I felt like I could never “divorce” my family, my blood, I felt trapped with them, “til death do us part” but you know, that is not TRUE. All you have to do (and it is emotionally hard to do) is to tell them to get out.
Setting boundaries with them will not work, because they will NOT respect those boundaries. They will step over them, and kick you as they do. THE ONLY way is to “bite the bullet” and tell them to get out of your life.
You are stronger than you know, he thinks he has you bamboozled and that you are his “kicking boy” and he enjoys kicking you so much, and in the past he has done this to you and you did endure it—just make a vow NOW that he is not free to kick you any more. He DOES NOT LOVE YOU, CANNOT LOVE YOU, WILL NOT LOVE YOU, but he DOES love humiliating you. The ONLY “why” you can find out is WHY YOU ALLOWED IT.
If you grew up in a family that abused you, you learned this is “normal” behavior and that in order to get “affection” you had to endure the abuse first or afterwards.
THAT IS NOT TRUE—that is NOT NORMAL. It will be difficult to break this cycle and you may feel scared that if you toss these people out of your life you will be “alone” and you fear being “alone” because they had you convinced you didn’t deserve better or that there would be no one who would love you if you didn’t have them. Well, chickie, the news is that YOU ARE LOVEABLE, and what they pass off as “love” is ABUSE, and you do not have to put up with their abuse for a “hug” or a “kiss” or anything else—THE PRICE IS TOO HIGH, AND THE PRIZE IS TOO FAKE.
REAL LOVE, real affection is NOT PAINFUL, and you don’t have to beg someone who really loves you to hug you, they do it spontaneously because they love you.
Get some help from a friend or a policeman or someone and get this jerk out of your apartment now!!!! You deserve a calm and peaceful life. Ask yourself if you want to go on like this with him there, or have some peace, even if it is “alone.” Are you actually NOT “alone” NOW?
I’m in your corner and everyone else here is too, Melanie! Keep on reading the articles in the back archives….they will give you strength and insight and the rest of us are here to support you. Post as often as you want or need to!!!! I can see the “growth” in you from the first few posts to now, you are becoming stronger and more powerful already!!! This is such a wonderful place to find strength!!!! You GO GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Melanie,
Sometimes I think part of the “hook” that keeps us (or at least it was true with me) in these sicko relationships is the “addiction” of trying to figure them out, figure out what makes them tick. I mean, living with a s or p can rate right up there with the best drama, with the best mysery novel, and sometimes it is like you want to keep “reading” till the very end to solve the puzzle. And I think another issue is that sometimes we get so caught up in trying to solve the problem of how to make them want us and treat us right, that we forget to really take a good hard look at THEM and whether WE want THEM and all their bad behavior in our lives.
Problem is that unlike a book, you can’ get burned pretty badly when you let one of these people stay in your life. It’s alot safer to learn more about them from reading LoveFraud or actual books about them, rather than direct contact.
I would suggest you take paper and pencil and make a list of all the pros and cons of the relationship. From reading your post, it sounds like there is gonna be a looooooooong list of cons (pun intended). Just the sexual attraction to animals is enough that this guy should be kicked not just to the curb, but to Mars maybe. Do you really want a guy in your life where you have to compete with not only other women, but with FLUFFY?
Jen2008:
“Sometimes I think part of the “hook” that keeps us (or at least it was true with me) in these sicko relationships is the “addiction” of trying to figure them out, figure out what makes them tick.”
There’s a lot of validity in that statement. I spent the better part of an hour yesterday explaining to my therapist that while I am glad S is out of my life, I can’t seem to get him out of my mind. And then I recounted the whole litany of all the evidence that proves he’s a sociopath, but how the hell could he do that to me?
I know, of course, that this is the way sociopaths are wired. And if somebody put a case file in front of me with a description of everything S did to me, I would know right off I was dealing with a sociopath. Yet, what I still grapple with at times is that it’s bad enough that I spent all the time we were together trying to figure him out, and I”m still wasting time on that piece of crap.
melanie:
One thing I would tell you to do is once you decide to kick his sorry, sociopathic ass to the curb, CHANGE THE LOCKS.
Dear Melanie – When I log on, my computer is rather slow and it scrolls down ever so slowly until it gets to the most recent posts…just now it scrolled down to your first post on February 23…as I was waiting for the computer to keep scrolling I REREAD your first post. I think you should too.
“I need help understanding a particular person”a ’boyfriend’”a sociopath who refuses sex with his ’partner’ a very attractive female yet seems to be turned on by anything including animals”.he seems to be extremely oversexed, over horny”.waiters, waitresses, males, females, anyone anywhere turns him on and he seems in predatory mode to want to ’pick these people up.’ Yet his extremely beautiful ’live in girlfriend’ he plays withholding and sexual games with and is mostly sadistic with”.refusing to please or pleasure”.the way a man would to a woman and only wants to ’degrade, humiliate’ the female”with no real sex involved”.and no real intimacy, affection”.mostly aggressive odd behavior, fighting, arguing”.and aggressive physical contact”.even once shaving her vaginal area with an ’electric razor’ causing her to scream in pain”.not apologizing but even refusing to ’pelasure her’ after the pain and instead ‘squirting all over her while standing on a couch’ while she is upset/angry with him”.he withholds, refuses”.treats her like a platonic buddy”.yet she is extremely sexually attractive”.but he will walk into a restaurant and be able to contain himself from getting turned on by ’random people anywhere’”waiters”males”lone males walking on the street especially turn him on”I’m not sure why”.but aside from being gay/bi”bi which he is”his behavior is odd eccentric sick and makes no sense” he claims he is with the female because she is so hot”.and gorgeous”but will not even lay a hand on her soemtimes and she has to fight him for sexual encounters”.then he whines fusses and refuses sexual contact with her”.ie as if it’s a chore”.and mostly just wants to ’degrade/humiliate’ her”.doesnt even treat her like a sex object, but just an ’object’”..every other human is a ‘sex object’ no matter what they look like”or who they are”.. im not sure what kind of sociopath or narcissist this is” most sex addicts i assume are ’intimate w/ their partners as well or try to get as much from them sexually—.but not this one”.his partner (who will even say to him”how can u resist touching me because im so attractive) who is exceptionally sexually attractive, is the one he rejects sexually”. and wants to have sex with everyone else”. including possibly animals or the partners pet”.this is a confusing situation”.if anyone has heard of something like this”.
Melanie at the very beginning you said “I need help UNDERSTANDING a particular person… but I think the person you need to start to UNDERSTAND is Melanie and why you are choosing to stay and be with someone who emotionally and physically abuses you.
You openly admit that you are aware he just wants to degrade and humiliate you. And you are aware he has very sick, sick tendancies both sexually and emotionally. It seems that you are stuck with understanding why in the world he isnt advancing himself on you sexually but on everyone else around him.. or why he isnt choosing you, who seems to be right in front of him for the taking, and yet he passes you by.
WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD A SMART BEAUTIFUL GIRL LIKE YOU MAKE THE CHOICE TO AGREE TO BE HIS LIFE AS HIS LIVE IN DESTRUCTION OBJECT (WELL YOU CALLED YOURSELF HIS LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND)… BUT MELANIE WHY ARE YOU CHOOSING THIS FOR YOURSELF? YOU NEED TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND MELANIE NOT HIM….
There is a saying ” Make a fool of me once its on you, make a fool of me twice its on me” — at some point you can no longer make the big question and issue be about ” why is he like this, or who does this” but rather see that the big question is WHY AM I STILL HERE? IF I AM SO AWARE OF ALL OF IT, AND I FEEL THE PAIN AND THE ABUSE AND EMBARRASSMENT — WHY AM I STILL VOLUNTARILY STAYING IN THIS BAD PLACE WITH THIS VERY BAD MAN??
When you are with him tonight.. is he the one you want by your side? Is he treating you with respect and kindness and dignity? Is he meeting your needs? Is he the man of your dreams — someone you want to spend your precious time with? Someone you could seeing fathering your children someday?
or is he just a fantasy of that man you want?? is he someone you wish he wasnt but in reality really is a deranged sick guy that you havent come to terms with yet?? Think about everything, but do not think so much as to why he is the way he is…. buy why Melanie is staying and continuing to let him do this to her??? Why isnt Melanie protecting herself??
You are strong and you are wise and you are brave. And most of all you deserve to love yourself and protect yourself. Start by asking yourself questions about why you are staying in this Unhealthy damaging place with someone who clearly isnt even your friend..
ps Melanie – This is something each and everyone of us here at LF had to do…we had to start to WANT to understand ourselves, question ourselves , respect ourselves, love ourselves and protect ourselves – in order to begin our descent from life with a toxic person, a bad man, an N, an S/P, a BP, etc.etc.
So you are not alone, and you are not the only one – we all have been in your shoes in one way or another — trying to understand the wrong person, asking the “Whys” about the wrong person, and trying to make the wrong person love us or see us for who we are.
Rune said we are here to love ourselves and love others and be loved. They are here to love themselves and use/abuse/play mind games with others. At some point we have to make the choice to understand and protect ourselves. Not them.
I agree….well with all the comments..about trying to figure them out…and someone being turned on by animals…and at first that’s how it was…me almost ‘competing’ with the animals or feeling like it….comments he made about “licking pussy” ie the cat claiming I shouldn’t play with my pussy (cat) that’s his job…asking me if I ‘licked the cat’s anus”…extremely turned on by them…panting/breathing salivating literally…telling me tht the ‘cat was in the way’ ie (of our relationship)…accusing me of having affairs and sex with oen cat then ‘both cats’….talking about bestiality adn sex with a cat (jokingly) but in this case…not…and there’s so much more i can’t even get into…it si some freaky stuff…
learnthelesson I agree but the problem was that…i knew he was abusive but didn’t know….about the withholding and really sick games until he moved in– then I tried kicking him out or telling him to leave. I couldnt leave it was my house….finally…it’s already happened…he finally chose to leave, abruptly, moved in litearlly one day which did shock me…designed to but it’s a ploy…scheme.. to make me beg him to stay….or come back…I think he didnt get the reactions b4…so he pushed it..I finally told himt o leave and he claims “he did”…but he’s now explaining to me all the behav modification to ‘wear heels’ and how I should have…and everything wud have been fine….and still trying to ‘train me into pleasing him with what he wants’ and sayign im goign to ‘die without him’…and that he can move back….even more shocking to witness him move everything in one single day without prior notice… but it did the deed…it shocked but I think he’s in more fear…not because i wanted him to stay…it’s just a lot more…no one deserves bad treatment but…every situation is different and it can get complicated…. everyday is a new hell…oen day this the next that…then ltierally ‘moving’…and it is a feeling of abandonment despite even wantnig it the method in whcih it was done…empty threats finally fulfilled.. but the s keeps saying…I scrwed it up…all I had to do was wear heels dress like this…he explained to me what I shud have done to ‘get him interested or keep him’…telling me what to do now…that I need to ‘give’ to my partner and please and do things…in order to get back… but whatever is done is dseigned to torment throw you into disarray, chaos…confusion…it’s good the sp is leaving but I don’t think it’s leaving…I think or know it’s the game…just taken up a notch…even claimde that if he left maybe we’d miss each other so badly and end up running away and getting married…well someone can understand…I assume the tactics being used..if they are and it aways seems like they are just using tactics…over and over again….to get something….reactions, responses, results… and seem to go to extremes to get them…
I am not realyl ‘with him’ because u really can’t be….there isnt a relationship…and there is no intimacy….but he isn’t the person i want to be with but….it is just a weird situation because they disarm you… they throw you off with shock tactics, strange scenarios….like I said suddenly the S decides to move…he may have planned it prior…but…it was more based on what he said abuot telling him to “leave” which I had said many times…and said he finally decided to ‘do it’ and I felt he wasn’t getting reactions out of me before..by claiming he was going to leave….I didn’t react or care…and that seemed to kind of bother him…or surprise him….but the moment I noticed he really was ‘leaving’ I had those reactions… only because…not sure why but it could have been the element of surprise or throwing someone off…again your defenses are shattered….you’re just shocked because…you weren’t prepared….so now your current living situation changed within 24 hours….without prior notice…and it leaves you feeling just more helpless/confused….along with manipulation and other things…the S even said to me “your eyes are deceiving you” which is true…suddenly all his things are moved out…and he keeps saying “i told you when I left you’d freak the f out”…I told you this was gonna happen… and you said….yeah but I thought I would know about it…it wouldn’t be a surprise…and the S still…saying…acting…doing and a game…still going on…well you’re going to feel so empty…you’re going to this… to me it’s just so weird…because…it really wasn’t wht was expected and it is surprising but not sure why… and very odd too… but it is a chance to leave the situation or get out…but to me it’s still a game…and still going on adn from waht i suspect just another element…as S will be back in two days and has to ‘keep coming back” to get some stuff…and “can move back” and ur like “move back…huh”? just strange stuff…too confusing to even be able to think about….