Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Melanie – you are right, every single situation is different and some so much more complicated than others – there are many people here who can understand the “dance with the devil” – you seem to really know what he is doing to you – his motives – his tactics and what he thrives on – reactions, responses and seeing you suffer. Im glad you are at least that far ahead of the game – to see it for what it is! When you start to believe his explanations and believe his words about what you should have done then you get all caught up in it — IN HIS WEB OF LIES AND HEAD GAMES.. and then as you said disarray, chaos, confusion ensues. Im glad he is gone, I pray you stay strong and continue to find support you need from LF! Its not easy to get out/away/rid of an abusive relationship. But it is possible ..it can be done…esp. with NC. Im glad for now you are “FREE” from having to him in your home.
Melanie – U dont “NEED” him. And it can only still be a “game”, if you allow it to continue. Its so so hard to see it when you are caught up in it , esp. if you have feelings and emotions for him. You can arrange for him to pick up his stuff when you arent home, or put it on the sidewalk. And he cant move back in – if you DONT TALK TO HIM, AND CHANGE LOCKS, etc. You have alot of options, slowly but surely you will figure it all out for yourself, whats best for you. NO CONTACT and LOTS OF SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS ..and remembering the situation for exactly what it was – esp. your tears and pain and lonliness. Hang in there… Stay strong!
Wow, I wasn’t the only one not getting sex! At first we made out like teenagers because my ex I had no birth control and he hated condoms. Then he decided instantly with no discussion that he wanted a baby. Sex then was instantly with no trip to the restroom because I might use a spermicide. If I really needed a potty break, he had to watch me go so that he knew there was no birth control. Then following a paternity test from the ex Meth whore where he discovered that the son was not a son and the daughter he never thought was his was came a new plan. No sex ever because it was only for baby making and he no longer wanted a kid. Also sex was only good with drugs like Meth or Ecstacy, if I wanted sex I was trying to alter his sobriety. So no sex became no affection became no intimacy became just his buddy. The last 2 years he had a slut if he didn’t always have one. Me I was told that a good Christian woman would support her poor impotent without drugs husband and stop being so sex obsessed. Sorry 6 yrs no sex and he was getting his needs met elsewhere. I confess to moments where I think Mrs. Bobbitt. Knife, car, penis on roadway… But looking back the sex was weak, mechanical, no passion on his part. No attention to details. He just was not into it at all. Never could discuss satisfying my needs in any way. I am easily the most orgasmic woman ever. The wind just has to blow in my direction so really he has just selfish. I can still hear his voice grating in my mind’s ear. “why are you touching me? Behave. Stop it.” If I so much as cuddled too close and God forbid I threw a leg over him the world was ending. I guess he was afraid that I would hump him like a dog and he might pleasure me that way. All so he could end up in the bed of a sad pitifully ugly slut while I who have standards above the rescue mission type continue to sleep alone. These types will settle for whatever they can victimize man, woman, child, or animal. All the same as long as there is pain and control and they are the puppet master. Begone devils from our hearts, heads, and beds! Towanda! And a sharp steak knife…LOL!
oxdriver–you are so totally right…everything that you stated…is definitely true. People in situations like this ‘are’ alone…despite supposedly being with someone when they’re not…it is hard to break away from family, friends or others who are abusive who you’re tied to but it is necessary….
Oddly, I didn’t have to push this guy to get out–I sent him one message…on his voicemail and he already had plans to leave and decided to move otu yesterday and claims I kicked him out again and he just decided to leave this time…but it was a shocker to me and unexpected… it as I wrote before may be a coax so that I can get him to come back….and show how much I need him or can’t live without him….regardless he needed to get out, but the urgency in which he did it threw me off….and completely shattered my reality and current living situations…for me just wans’t something I was ready for today maybe a week from now…I do feel sad for some reason and do feel I will miss him…or the ‘good things’ though honestly there really were none…or very few….it was just a really bad situation…I’m going to just have to make the best of the person leaving….and try to break free…but he plans on ‘being back’ regularly…or wants to…and is telling me I’ wont make it without him…etc…and that he can move back…if I change my behavior or conform to his strange desires or demands… but no one needs to ever take abuse or feel that they are trapped though smoe might be due to financial reasons or others…
learnthelesson thanks so much and yeah its’ true u dont need these people though you might feel you do….and it is great to recognize the game… and understand a little of the way these people behave or function….if anyone can get out of a co-dependent abusive relationship that is unhealthy and terrible kudos to them… and really break free from it…then it’s a really good thing because that is such a difficult thing to do….I’d say these are raelly good learning lessons for anyone or everyone who can go through them and survive them and come out unharmed and moving forward…. and joy that is terrible and it is good to know or hear from others who have to go thru that ridiculously chaotic experience of dealign with a sexless or sex depriving male who is doing it for abusive or sadistic reasons…some men aren’t interested but for other reasons and then there are the psychopathic creeps who are beyond understandable in their sick actions…
Dear Melanie,
I AM SO GLAD FOR YOU that he is moving out, but believe me, he is NOT letting go of you…he still plans to keep you for “supply” and to try to mess with your head.
As soon as he is gone, DO NOT TALK TO HIM, do not listen to him, do NOT answer the door, to not read e mails or listen to voice mails. He will then start several “plays” one is the “Pity play” where you have to pity him, he has no one, nothing, he is sick, etc. misses you, realizes he was wrong, ANYTHING for you to pity him, then there is the ANGER play, the LOVE play and so many others—EVERYTHING HE TELLS YOU IS A LIE. DO NOT LISTEN.
It will be hard, you will start to doubt yourself, to miss him, to remember the “good” times (if there were any) to FORGET the bad times, etc.
KEEP COMING HERE FO RSUPPORT, DO NOT GIVE IN TO HIM AND TALK TO HIM. Don’t let him in the door, or he will trick you and you will be right back where you started.
Hang on sweetie! You are stronger than you know, and when you come here, we will be behind you!!!!! ((((hugs)))))
Dear Joy,
Please read this article.
Romeo’s Bleeding PART 5
http://www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart5
I think this will help you understand the “No Sex” thing.
Dear Melanie,
So you just kicked out your Bad Man? Please read this and do the activity while it’s fresh in your mind. Everytime your heart goes soft, remember your LIST.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/08/26/a-list-for-leaving-the-sociopath-behind/
I don’t like to recommend my own articles but I think this exercise might help you… and read the article called “NO CONTACT” That one is important.
Each time you have contact, it’s like opening a fresh wound and introducing bacteria. Yes! Think of him as bacteria! Keep your wound clean and covered! NO CONTACT!
Aloha
hey thanks and I agree except the N already said he was about to move his things back and say screw it…but decided not to…and now he’s claiming I need to prove to him I can change to ‘get him back’ and he’s more than willnig to move all his stuff back…ridiculous…and especialyl with the cat situation..which is what scares me the most, what he was potentially doing to my cats….I will say I sort of miss his presence, only due to feeling so extraordinarily empty and not sure why but it’s ok because it’s not worth all the abuse and hell and horror that situation was… but he’s resorting to blaming me for everything as they usually will do….and starngely keeps saying that i kept saying he was ‘fing my cats’ something I never said and probably what he was doing or trying todo–why wud anyone keep using that statement…anyawy it was such a sick situation and the person was beyond sick… just glad it’s done with, for now and if an idiot like that thinks people are going to try to ‘win him back’ wel… that’s even scarier… but what an experience, they are good to really warn a person of future N’s or S’s…and these creeps are all over the place it seems… and thanks 🙂
I happen to really love cats, so it’s hard for me to read about any kind of animal abuse. I have two myself and if anyone ever laid a finger on them, that person would not live to tell the story. I’m glad that creep is gone, Melanie, and I hope you can keep yourself and your cats safe from this monster. He sounds very sick. NO ONE deserves to be subjected to that kind of treatment. I pray you can have some peace and quiet and safety in your home. You know the community here will support you every step of the way.