Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Aloha, Going to that link next. Pretty sure it is all about control. It is never about love or desire for connection with them.
Melanie, No contact is the only way to get his voice to quiet down and finally hopefully to fade completely from your mind. You have the F…ing cats thing. Mine was his reaction to me not letting him take my daughter then 8 yrs old out of state to sleep in a hotel bed with him while stating that my son and I couldn’t come on this trip because it wasn’t about us it was about him and her. Yep, sure bet it was. Unfortunately for him, Mom had an instinct that said something doesn’t feel right about this.
While writing this I was listening to CMT top 20 countdown. There is a song that Mylie Cyrus sings called “the climb”. It is appropriate to where I’m at now. Not worried about the destination but experiencing the journey of climbing to where I want to be…Healthy, Happy, and completely free of him in every way.
For Stargazer – (and anyone else who might appreciate a wacky sense of humor):
CATS UNITED – Local 126
Vote NO for declawing.
Aloha, Thanks for the link though I saw little that applied to our sex game. He was never good or into it at all. I’ve only been with 3 guys, 2 of them husbands. But I can say that the 17 yr old singer in the rock band from 20 yrs ago was a far more accomplished lover than the 40 yr old with 4 exwives, 2 ex fiancees and a baby Mama. So great sex was never the hook. Also, he knew that I would never cheat behind his back. If ever I was done with him, he would know cause I would be honest and say it was over. So that part applied. Really, the only thing that I want or need a man for is the element of human connection. The skin on skin, the closeness, of being intimate with another. Anyone can masturbate and most can reach a state of being financially self supporting. But to deny sex was the only way to not give me something that I couldn’t give myself. I never saw him cry or show any weakness. He did play the pity game at first so that I would overlook his horrible track record, but in time he revealed his callousness towards the ex-s, his kids, and the victims of his crimes. I would say he has few borderline traits but almost all the Sp ones. I’m going to try to read all the articles in that series though. Knowledge is power.
hey aloha…thanks and I will read that…it sounds like a really good article and thanks for the info….and no contact is really important….and stargazer I felt the exact same way…even worse why I allwoed someone like that to move in when he claimed prior to moving in taht he was going to ‘whack my cats around a bit” and when I told him if he touched my cats what would happen to him he just said “oh u wont know about it”….I thought though that he was just messing around and never imagined that he could possibly do that or even worse…or even sexual abuse as he was most likely doing… the entire situation was beyond comprehensible and I had no proof just tons of weird evidence and speculation so it was harder to understand or believe what was really going on..it was evident though that what he stated was true–he was doing things to them behind closed doors and I have my theories on what it was….but I didn’t see it myself so I couldn’t say for sure…just based on their behavior, reactions, his statements, sexual odd sick comments…he even made those kind of threats there..”want me to just whack her” or even talked about shooting a cat…or “if I see her on my bed again im going to do this to her”…that guy was sick and shuoldnt be aruond animals or children and even his own cat he ended up trying to kill and then eventually after a battling infection had to put her to sleep and claimed prior to moving in with me he was going to ‘put her to sleep’ b/c she cudnt handle the moev…that was shocking..he even admits he ‘killed his cat’ to move in with me which is sickening…this man was capable fo anything and everything…and I should have known that fro waht he did before… thanks and I do thin the cats are safe now and much happier than before and relaxed
(to joy)…”it’s not just cats..it’s everyone—cable guys, maintenance guys, any person”he seems to ’hit on or try to have sexual encounters with’ everyone except his ’victim’ ie girlfriend who he makes jump thru hoops for any form of sex”.or affection”but what you talk about is similar…the odd sick things…a girl to a hotel room…this just seems to fit the case for these people–sick odd disgusting underhanded behavior in any way shape or form…even recently told me fo the cable guy”.and tried to pick up a cable guy right in front of my face when he moved in with me which shocked me beyond belief”.this guy has the audacity to do that right in front of your face”he is capable of anything and may have even had a sexual encounter with him in his bedroom”I was horrified at that pt and thought”no I don’t want him to move in”.and it happened and then only torture—the malignant N/S idealt with only seemed to want to torture”
and will do anything to cause this to happen…he seemed to be sort of what the article talks about- an N borderline controller”wud ”build up tons of horrid sexual frustration thru no contact”no sex nothing”.then it wud be released in minute amts of sexual graitification…and the cycle would repeat”.int his horrible control”.he would withhold to the point of him shaking from being so turned on yet still wouldn’t budge and also play this game”.no advances no contact”until whoever gave in first”of course it wud be me”then I would ’have’ to initiate contact”thru hugging and then began the cycle of refusing/rejecting me constantly”to where I’d have to keep asking him for ahug”or releasing all that sexual tension through yelling screaming fighting and abuse… lets say even recently….or otehr tiems…he’ll acll you after he has a sexual encounter…and is al l’turned on’ and breathing heavy…and will almost warn you about it before it happens and u dont awnt to believe he’s doing that…but from firsthand experience….this is a guy who rejects/refuses his ‘girlfriend’ but has sexual encounters with everyone in his path….it’s scary…u can’t control their sick behavior and u cant believe it either….sexual with everyone/anyone….i still cant get out of shock mode…
It is so hard for me to hear about animal abuse or anyone even talking about abusing animals. About 18 years ago I had two cats. I moved in with my then boyfriend who was not abusive toward me at all. But my cats never liked him because he was too loud for them. So we adopted a third adorable tabby cat who was to be his cat. But she was also shy and timid around him, and this bothered him. One day he got upset and picked her up and threw her onto the bed across the room. It didn’t physically hurt her, but she ran from him every time after that. I was in a dependent situation and had nowhere to move and no money to move. The next day I became a private stripper. It was a desperate response to a desperate situation. Within 3 months I had the money to move away from him with all 3 cats. I got my own place and never looked back. I never let anyone lay a finger on any of my cats again. I had a few boyfriends who did not like them. One of them gave me an ulimatum (“the Siamese goes or I go”). I said “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” I just cannot stomach the thought of anyone hurting animals. To me, this is the worst of the worst.
Melanie, I’m sure you are worn down and brainwashed living with this monster for so long. It will take some time to get over this. But I hope you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you cannot let him back into your life at any cost.
hey thanks stargazer, and glad to hear that you got away
from those abusers and saved the cats…that took a lot of determination I can imagine…but it’s worth it…I agree that hurting animals is the worst and it’s something people have to stop and protect the innocent if they are in danger…sometimes it’s hard but…you have to try to make a choice…. it’s not that easy done than it is said….I am worn down by the psychopath but worse the effects of his living with me has had on me are worse and bad…seems to be recurring bouts of ptsd…it’s creating torment/dependency and worse the P abuser has claimed I need to prove to him I am so so and so in order to keep him in my life and he’s expecting me to grovel to get him back…or express… I guess it’s hard and not sure how to cope….b/c of the style of abuse done…just learned to never allow a s or n into my life again and to try to get rid of them as soon as you know what they are… it’s just hard tho..
Melanie,
I hope you know I in no way meant to be judgmental. I just get triggered by animal abuse stories. I so feel for you and what you must be going through. It sounds like you are very addicted to him. Have you read about Stockholm Syndrome? It would probably be helpful to be in counseling with someone who is knowledgeable about this type of abuse, as it sounds as if you are vulnerable to going back to him. Once you make the decision to get him out of your life, this will have nothing to do with whether he comes back or not. It is your decision to make, not his. It will take a lot of strength to break the habit, and you will need a good support system. Everyone here will be part of that every step of the way. You do not have to live like that any more.
well I totally agree stargazer..I am or have been addicted, but only duet o extreme abuse and his lack of giving and only taking….and the nature of the ‘situation’..i guess the narcisist uses all your vulnerabilities against you…in my case..being alone all my life, never having a bf or relationship–or sex..so he moved in with me to give em none of that…no togetherness no affection, no sex, no touching basically…only torture and abuse…which just created this mental horror…and physical/biological…sexual…horror..rejecting me constnatly…makign me suffer or give for any forms of minor affection…then abandoning me narcissist style and making me feel thoroughly abandoned adn alone…without giving and only taking/using/abusing…so now im more screwed than before…and i dont even know if therapy can help with these terrible feelings… and now attemptign to force me to do things for him….takign and takign more…in order to make sure that he ‘stays in my life’ as he says….and gives me the tiny things…he makes me fight and suffer for…with the hopes i’ll get more…it’s malignant optimism and I for some reason can’t break free because it feels like a strong bond attaching me to him while he’s sucking from me…the 2 counselors ive been to have been not very good or helpful and mostly condescending or mocking….and I am in desperate need of a good one… i think unforunately when ppl take…and take…like that..well tehy steal from you and u are left with less- drained and deprived and this terrible need to ‘get it back from them’ but in the case of the innately trained sociopath..that’s never going to happen and u will only get used and drained more and more…sucked dry while theyre projecting their insanity onto you claiming u ‘take and take and suck people dry’ and accusing u of suckign them dry while they take more from you…it is pertty horrific i guess…and im at a point where…it’s almost unbearable and chainging me as a person….but im just fighting…but it sux to have lived with an N…and good to warn people to sta y away from these sick monsters”you need to have no contact but the sad reality is the N has sucked u dry”false promises false deluded reality of lies and deceit and false hopes”N’s are masters of this it seems and only creature torture and wanting to drive their victims to insanity–and came very close…the aftermath is hard and I dont really have any real support or frineds either, he was my only ‘friend’ wel not friend which makes it worse… and harder…but i do think the N is just going to continue to torture as long as he gets the chance with me trying to get ‘those things he never gave me but screwed me out of’ out of him… it’s a really scary thing to have to deal with…. I also get upset by animal abuse and worse your own animals and not knowing what he did to them…but seeing their pain…or soem form of pain…but the psych torture created from varying angles and degrees is what’s so scary…in situations like this…these ppl arent human theyre monsters designed to destroy so it’s best to stay away and far away from them…before they try to ruin you…
Dear Melanie – Its overwhelming — please dont give up on therapy – you will find the right therapist if you dont give up.
Life is so much work! Nothing comes easy. And you got me to thinking about how is it we can realize a therapist is no good for us and we can realize they are mocking us or are condescending and of absolute no good to us — and we leave them. But we cant do the same thing with an N/S/P.
I wish Oxy were here, I know she might LOVINGLY, CARINGLY, SOFTLY Boink you with her skillet like she did me when I would say things that werent positive about myself or say things that gave the S more credit than he deserved. Perhaps pointing out that the point they can no longer take and take and take ANYTHING from you, your being…is when you stop letting them. And if you dont give him the chance to associate with you than he cant have the chance – when YOU are ready to stop trying to get those things he never gave you – or you can keep trying to get the things he never will give you til you are 100. Its all a choice. Its separating the “what ifs” from the “what is”….
I hope we can all keep giving you insight and a newfound safe friendly place to turn to – and share your journey with us. One of which is to sort out the difference between FALSE HOPE and HOPEFULNESS with him. Because you are experiencing one of the two right now. And its so hard for you to see it from where you are.
An addiction is a serious thing. Its debilating and its distracting. As with any addiction the first step is accepting you have one. Alot of us have had to that. The second step is sharing your story, and admitting and commiting to yourself that you want it to end. Then you have to actually take the steps to remove yourself from whatever the “drug” of choice is. Right now for you, it is this monster of a male.
Melanie he is not your friend. He was never your true friend. He never will be. He can only ruin you, if you let him. Please choose Melanie over anyone else. Please know you deserve so much more for yourself. You can actually give yourself so much more than this loser gives you = which adds up to – PAIN, TORTURE, HUMAN ABUSE, ANIMAL ABUSE, AND A TWISTED WAY OF MAKING YOU BELIEVE YOU NEED HIM AND YOU WANT HIM.
SOMEONE SUGGESTED A BOOK. STARGAZER DID. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. PLEASE CONSIDER STARTING WITH READING THE BOOK, WHILE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE VULNERABLE AND THE BOOK IS A GOOD STARTING POINT.
AND KEEP READING AND POSTING HERE. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. ((HUGS))