Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Melanie:
“…in my case..being alone all my life, never having a bf or relationship”“or sex..so he moved in with me to give em none of that”no togetherness no affection, no sex, no touching basically””
I spent a good part of my life feeling alone. By the time I met S, I was desperate to meet someone, desperate to be with someone, desperate to be part of a couple. Part of that desperation was from my pretending to be something I wasn’t for a big part of my life — straight. But, the bigger part was that I was facing 50, flying solo, and afraid of growing old alone.
All those factors combined lethally and made me view S as the last train leaving the station. I allowed S into my life and he wreaked havoc. And I kept making excuses for him. I kept rationalizing his bad behavior. I gave him the power to destroy my life because I didn’t want to be alone.
No more. I have been NC since November 7th. I am the first to admit that I have my bad days and inconceivably miss him. But, I see my life getting better.
One thing that helped me was that I was the one who after all his devaluing, who discarded him. Otherwise he would have kept bleeding me until I killed myself.
You say that he is moving out in two weeks, yet he continues to abuse you. My concern for you is that “moving day” is going to arrive and he isn’t going to leave. Why should he? He’s getting everything he wants out of you.
I think you need to take back your power. Since I gather it is your place, YOU change the locks. YOU toss his stuff out to the driveway. If you do YOU will feel empowered.
Because that is what I think you need right now — a sense of empowerment. When I gave S his marching papers, it was the best thing I could have done for myself to set myself on the road to recovery.
Regarding your problem finding a therapist, others on this site have said they have had success with therapists who deal with rape counselling since so much of what sociopaths do is emotional rape. That might be an avenue you want to explore.
hey learnthelesson thanks a lot for the words of advice…and they are good…i dont know much about addiction but I do know that seduction/addiction or this style of is hard to cope with and i don’t really see it as an addiction…more or less just a normal reaction to the abnormality that I know I’ve been havign to endure for so long…wanting/needing what isn’t being given to you that is normal…and having to suffer as a result of the lack of it…it becoming a conditioned imprint onto you…and unable to not desire it…because the abuse/torture becomes worse and deeper and the imprint becomes mroe and more deepened into your soul and psyche…that book is probably good thoughi don’t see situations like this as stockholm syndrome…though it is…but moer just a reaction to continuations of abuse…(maybe that is stockholm syndrome though)….It seems like extreme forced dependency based on lots of mental and other forms of abuse conditioning and manipulation….you can choose yourself but the feeligns im experiencing… make it hard to be without the N…it makes u feel sick to be apart from them…and not healthier but worse…though that is far from the truth…what’s causing it to feel this oddly is beyond me because the biggest wish while the N was around was for him to be gone because of the abuse…but after leaving…just feelings of strange emptiness…that were not expected… withdrawal from a situation is much harder when you’re just abused more…and all the trauma with no healing just gets worse… you becoem more attached dependent and needy… hey well I do hope anyone suffering from the hands of an abuser can get away… esp an N…and esp a situation like this…i just know the pain is worse…and the feelings of ‘needing’ them are growing with teh increasing pain and suffering…and desire…wel it feels like death and worse who can take those horrible feelings away, of course only the N seemingly… well its a sick cycle…then u almsot feel up to caving into the N’s desires in order to get rid fo the feelings…I guess the worst part is..u dont know what the narcissist is ‘doing’ thier plans…if they’re lying to you, leaving, tryign to manipulate you, tryign to get you to want them….if there was a way to get out of the circle of madness they’ve thrown you in….that’s a sure way of dealing with the situation but it’s just too hard…thanks though and yes these forums are great…and there are more along on the internet that can help others or those dealing with sociopaths/n’s…
thanks matt and that’s great you got rid of the N and did the no contact….it’s good that u can be strong and though you miss him find the strength to deal with not being with the person… I guess im in those stages– the N did move out after finding out I wrote things about him on a dating website…and…after I told him to leave again…he moved out about four days ago but… it was sudden and abrupt and despite me kicking him out numerous times in extreme confusion/anger the abruptness/rush of it shocked me and made me feel abandoned/used and alone…and because I was still hoping I could attempt to reconcile things or make things positive prior to his leaving…just for good sake…but that didn’t happen…him leaving and then threatening me and criticizing me…saying that’s the reason ive never had a BF..im this and that.. im going to die without him…no affection…turned into a nightmare and i didn’t want him to leave the way he did…it’s good he’s gone but the desire to be with him some terrible imprint of abuse adn desire which he created by depriving/withholding is still there…and now it’s a psychological and physical battle and….the only person who can get rid of it is him b/c he’s the only person i feel i can get intimate with due to all the deprivation and abuse… but it’s true they will just bleed you dry…no matter how much you want to try or hope…to reconcile it’ll turn into another game of, how much mroe can i get from you while giving u nothing in return and how much can i use you….and taking back your power is totally right…m not sure how to do that because I felt like I was used tortured and then abandoned while given nothing except lies and false promises…the same thing the N says to me…”chewed up and spit out” and now the N is using manipulation tactics to get mroe out of me….I think one of the few ways u can truly gain that empowerment is by devaluing/discarding them the way you did. ie the way they did to you…..and really doing it…I know i didn’t get that chance…and he still has the upper hand to continue to degrade….and gain power…or so he’s making it seem….I feel the same way– he’s the last chance only because..though ironically…he’s the older one and 57…and im young….but I feel as if it’ll be hard to recover after this….and he was my chance for something amazing but that’s the deception and illusion….and what you’re never going to get….well 50 is still young…and you can meet someone or anyone better… I guess its the similarity of being desperate/helpless and cornered…dependent or feeling there is no other way or no other out….and I do think im goign to try to gain the courage to find another therapist though it’s hard mostly hard to do anything because u feel powerless, empty, and lost and without strength….
these forums are really good though because they help people ro anyone dealing with these creeps…but I guess just as an example N tellign me that I need to drive out of the city to pick him up because i cant know where he lives now..not that i want to….in order to see him because i need to for reasons…and forcing me to ‘entice him to want to see me’ by calling and leaving messages of seduction…also telling me that i need to be his ‘whore’ and give him phonesex when he wants….and when i got o pick him up i have to dress a specific way….wear a ton of make up high heels, nice dress …and spend gas money to drive out fo town so he can get to my house to pick up his car….and was telling me to buy a bottle of alcohol for both of us…tho he’s the one that drinks…in order for you to get this you have to give ten fold….dealing with them you are in a constant whirlwind…every interaction is unpredictable and it’s one thing after the next….u dont know what to expect, or what they expect…the N has been talking on the phone to me but decided to not answer his phone…with the hopes i’d leave him a seductive message to ‘entice’ him to come to my plaec…more or less a test to see if i would pick the right answer choice and figure out that in confusion I need to figure out that he shut off his phone so that I could leave him an enticing message…but him not answering the phone throws you into a confusion stage…and then if you call asking him what’s happening…he starts yelling claiming you’re supposed to leave him an ‘enticing message’ and tht he doesnt want to be with you b/c ur boring, and this is why he moved out and why he’s cutting u off…ur too ‘demanding’..then starts making threats yelling punishing…it’s just insanity and there is no way of dealign with it…the only interesting part is understading the concepts of projection…and how the N is constnatly projecting themselves onto their ‘partner’ or someone else… and the sickness of it and the disorder….
I guess dealign with an N can be a good case study but with all the emotions and your mental health wrapped up in it it’s hard to really perceive it as a science project….but its just shocking the extreme nature of almost every interaction seemingly being a warped game of give adn take and crazy power plays… and the manner in which they function/behave.. its just not human..it is just some scary stuff and stupider that u keep going thru it…for pretty stupid reasons….I just wonder if every narcissist behaves in this way….if it differs in degree of insanity… or if this is just how they all function….
Thanks for this spot on description of exactly how the trap is set and we take the bait. True on all counts in my past S relationship of the spectacular “love” and great sex eventually to be withheld and denied as the lies cheating and violence emerged over time. It is all about control and inflicting pain on their targets once they’ve got us hooked and it is brutal.
This describes a friend of mine to a T, he is gay he says but, also tries to convince a friend of mine that he could be possibly ready for marriage with her one day. He is very seductive and showers her with affection picking her up and twirling her around and grabbing her behind and so on and so on. He’s extremely attractive and uses it to his advantage to get what he wants from people. This confirms what I’ve felt all along!
I cant help but laugh..as it is soo sick its comical..once you are out of the fog a bit..I read a few of the posts above..and the whole cell phone thing KILLS me..the games of cat and mouse,,the calling and then answering or turning the phone off..CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY!! I remember mine knew i was at the end of my rope with him…and I think he was trying to pull me back in line (so to speak) I wouldnt engage in his games…he called and it was as if I was talking to someone else..he just started yelling at me…(of course his dumb ass friends were there) saying crazy things…this is why this and this is why that….and then hanging up on me..it was insane..what is it with the phone thing..I laugh now as it drove me crazy at the time…so I had thr phone turned off..afterall I was paying the bill…lol…lol…lol
well it wasn’t funny at the time but I put my X cheater’s cell phone in microwave for 4 seconds – stopped all his tricks callin for a few days anyhow..he had no ideal I did that – ruined his day – made mine! chuckle chuckle – I was so sick in the head for putting up with that – glad I am over that piece of chit……
Awesome article, don’t know how I missed it. Knew we were addicted, but did not understand why. Dopamine.
I got so high around mine I was diagnosed as bi-polar. Once it cooled down I never had another pathological mood swing again.
He was the perfect physical specimen. I felt like God made him just for me.
The lying, arrogance, manipulation, infidelity, lack of empathy, unreliability, inability to love, disregard for my feelings, etc…..those were “little” things that I was going to “fix”.
After all, he was going to be my husband! (I was only 23).
Boy, did I get a RUDE AWAKENING!!
The “RUDE” part started early. The “AWAKENING” took forever.