Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Housie,
You really are an insperation….You have been through so much and you are healing in leaps and bounds.
I read on one of your other post how you were able to close the door on your sons phone conversation with the S and go watch your comedy show.
I am so glad that you are here on LF sharing your story.
It is so easy to be on this site and dish out advice and be a Monday-Morning-Quarterback, as if everything is black or white.
But, it is so much more difficult when you are out in the real world dealing in real time. There are so many shades of gray in the real world.
I have a dilemma that I am struggling with, and I don’t know what is right. I don’t even know who I am dealing with, exactly.
5 years ago, I met this man at a mutual friend’s father’s funeral. He flew in from out of town for this funeral. He came up to me after the funeral, kissed my hand, and said, “You are my future fiancee.” I am a SUCKER for that stuff.
We got to know each other a little better that night over drinks. He tried to get me to go back to his hotel room with him, but I declined on that. I would NEVER get that close on the first night.
This guy is CEO of a large company, and VERY successful. I could tell right away that he is used to getting exactly what he wants.
Anyway, he was only here for a couple of days, and then flew back to his home city. I never expected to hear from him again. But, to my surprise, he called me almost every night for a good 6 months after he got back to his home city. And we developed this really strong friendship over the phone. I grew to really like him.
During the course of the first 6 months of meeting him. He did a HUGE favor for me. I cannot say what it was because someone he knows could see this, and they would immediately know it was me, and I would be out-ed.
Just suffice to say that it was a huge, generous, favor that I will never be able to repay, and NO ONE has ever done anything like that for me before.
And when he did this favor for me, he had only met me at a funeral. Other than that, it was just talking on the phone.
After 1 year of talking on the phone, I felt comfortable enough to go and visit him. I went to see him in his city, and he immediately started pressuring me, but I still liked him.
Anyway, our friendship has continued over the last 5 years. I have sent him a birthday present every year since I met him. The first 2 years, he acknowledged my birthday presents, and called to say “thank you”. On year 3, he did not acknowledge my birthday present until about 2 months after the fact. He apologized for that, and acknowledged how rude it was. I asked him if he was seing someone else, he said NO. He always says NO when I ask him if he is seeing anyone. So, after being blown off after sending a present on year 3, I did NOT send him a birthday present on year 4. Then he called me after his birthday last year and said, “You blew me off on my birthday.” I did not send a birthday present because he never acknowledged it the year before.
So, do I send this guy a birthday present this year or not? His birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to do.
Remember the huge favor he did for me. That is what is confusing me so much.
And is there any chance this guy could be an S?
TILLY!! Is this guy giving me a singlet or a tee shirt????
Rosa said: “So, do I send this guy a birthday present this year or not? His birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to do.”
My opinion, for what it is worth, is that send the gift if that is what you want to do, but do not send it out of “obligation” and do not send it, expecting something in return.
Rosa said: “I asked him if he was seing someone else, he said NO” He always says NO when I ask him if he is seeing anyone.”……….. “And is there any chance this guy could be an S?”
Not enough info to even begin to form an opinon. Sounds like he did you a big favor, the two of you developed a friendship, mostly via phone contact, you send him birthday presents each year which he does not always acknowledge. You yourself call this a “friendship” and say you went to see him after about a year of talking on the phone, and you don’t imply you have any sort of regular in person contact with him, just mainly phone friendship, so I am a little curious why you would even ask him (and from you post it sounds as if you quizz him on this ever so often) if he is “seeing someone else” Doesn’t sound to me as if the two of you are even in a “relationship” much less anything that could even remotely be considered exclusive????
Bottom line (just based on the info you provided and yeah you’re right that it is easy to be a monday morning quarterback) is that the guy did you the favor probably thinking he might get a “return” out of it (probably sexual) and he has grown over time to genuinely like you and just like talking to you on the phone. Doesn’t sound as if he has ever done anything bad to you other than not thanking you each time for the gift? BTW, I think loads of men do favors for women in hopes of eventually “scoring” with them and only a fraction of them are sociopaths. Think of all those men in bars that buy the ladies drinks–I doubt their motive for paying their money they went out and worked for for a drink for a lady is just because they are nice dudes who thinks the lady looks thirsty! They want to make an impression and either get to really know her OR they are looking for an easy score for the night.
Jen2008:
You are right. We are nothing more than friends at this point. The relationship has not progressed because I have not let it progress.
He always wants to fly me out there to be with him, or fly me to South Beach when he is there, or somewhere. But, I have never let him do that because I am just not sure about this guy.
Bottom line is I am scared. And when he did not acknowledge the birthday present in year 3, it was not even about him.
My sociopath boyfriend never acknowledged anything I tried to do for him, and it hurt me SO bad.
When this guy did not acknowledge my birthday present (or Christmas present) in year 3, I think I immediately linked him to the S. And that is not fair.
Thanks Jen.
I think I will just go ahead and send him a birthday present.
That’s what I want to do anyway.
Rosa: The principle here seems to be “non-attachment.” You are sending a birthday present because you’d like to. He did you a favor. He hasn’t hurt you.
If you went to visit, would he be sweeping you off your feet and then lying to you? Who knows? You don’t have that relationship. Would you like that relationship? Would you consider that relationship? Then perhaps you want to do a little detective work to see whether he’s involved with someone else at the same time he’s inviting you to fly in to see him . . . then you’d know more about this character. Right now, though, it seems he’s a business friend with an undercurrent of other potential.
I think you are wise, though, to get clear on what relates to him and what is leftover junk from your sociopathic boyfriend.
“He tried to get me to go back to his hotel room with him” (first night)
“He did a HUGE favor for me.” Didn’t Oxy talk about “favors”?
“I went to see him in his city, and he immediately started pressuring me”
“Then he called me after his birthday last year and said, “You blew me off on my birthday.” I did not send a birthday present”
He’s keeping “score”
And Rosa….remember the “gut instinct/intuition” thing?
“Bottom line is I am scared.”
AND FOR FIVE YEARS…NO ONE ELSE…JUST WAITING FOR YOU…
Well, I’m a guy…I’m a little sceptical…he’s a saint?
oops…skeptical
okay people need some help here..please..I was doing so well..today I have had to even take a valium..NOT GOOD…my S is on a complete smear campaign against me..I know I have been warned and to hear stories noonetheless..I feel right into it thinking if I caould talk to them they would see my point made it worse..he has lied beyond belief…and they are believing him..kit hurts..espercially his mother as were so close and she was close to my son..I have only made it worse by calling him on his shit..he is relentless and has sent the most vicious text mesages i could possible imagine….it hurts so bad…as I see the cold and callous person he is..please help me thru this I feeell so alone and just like CRAPO!! I want to send a cease and desist order..and file charges for defamation of character it is so sad thathe is doing this..I know I need to let go but I cant I want retribution!! HELP!!
“The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction”.
I was raised by two psychopaths. who taught me that abuse was normal and that is what love is.
Today the only remnant I have left of wanting to “be with someone in a relationship”, is a healthy understanding of the Cinderella syndrome and all its FANTASY. I stopped believing in the tooth fairy and santa clause when I was eight and it was pointed out to me literally. I stopped believing in the “handsome prince who will stay by my side no matter what and love me till the day i die”, when I was 54 after a lifetime of looking for him. It was pointed out to me literally. I see it in every “happy couple”.
I don’t search or look for “my soul mate”, “my true heart partner for life”, or my “perfect match” any more. There is no such thing. It is a childish fantasy to be grown out of.
And if someone comes in to my life and starts to fit that fantasy you can bet that down the track there will be some thing unfold that makes us realise they are not “the one”. Its all crap.
It comes from neediness. Aching to be loved needs to be “grown out of”. All you can do is love others (both tough and gentle love depending on the person, plus stay away from psychos) and try to do what Francis of Assisi says.
But of course, I can’t.
Dear Endthepain,
Hun, I HEAR YOUR PAIN! the smear campaign is standard operating procedure for them (SOP) and it is something to be expected.
I know you want retrobution and you are right, trying to ‘fight” it makes it WORSE.
My egg donor told everyone how I was abusing her and after her money (I have never even taken her up on her OFFERS of money) because I knew she wanted to buy control of me with “gifts”-0–beware of Ps bearing gifts!
The only thing you can do is to go NC with these people as well, and HOLD YOUR HEAD UP. If someone comes up to you and tells you “Oh, guess what x said about you” you MUST reply. “I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT X OR ANYTHING HE SAID, What’da ya think about those cubbies?” DO not let them force you to listen. WALK AWAY if you must, but do not even listen to what he said.
You must take the HIGH ROAD on this one, and believe me it is difficult to take. It makes you want to scratch his eyes out for saying it and theirs for believing it.
((((hugs)))) this too SHALL PASS.