Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
End:
DO NOT RESPOND! Don’t worry about the valium……if you need it you need it.
I am realizing that time will heal…..keep your character in tact by YOUR actions and be the same person YOU have always been. Don’t bother striking back via explaining yourself…….it only makes you look like what he is saying. I have found when people get overwhelmed with confusion on who to believe…..they lean on he S side. It’s like the kid who retaliates after getting punched……they are the only ones to get in trouble. Same concept with the S.
‘HOLD YOUR BREATH’….an analogy…..do what you gotta do for YOU to make it through each hard day.
WE know that ALL days are not so horrid…..but sometimes it feels like we will not make it…….WE WILL….Because WE ARE STRONG……
Say the serenity prayer, over and over and over.
You can’t control the S.
I’m telling you, if you keep your character the ‘assasin’ will eventually ‘be shot’. DO NOT REACT!!!!
My S shot himself…….in our city…….but it took several years…..I SWEAR, I never thought it would happen.
But when it does, it all happens at once. People will come to you and you will see, they will have ‘morphed’ through the S.
BUT….it takes time.
Do not worry about his mother. Be prepared to let go of ANY relationship. If they know it’s a valuable one……then it’s under attack. Protect yourself with your close support of friends, tell them what is going on.
You just won’t be able to convince anyone of ‘who’ he is! DON’T TRY! It will backfire.
Document EVERYTHING!!! KEEP IT FOR ETERNITY, keep it organized, photographed, printed out, dated, all phone records, photo’s of your phone with the text, print the text, type out and date the text message, type out and date any phone message (transcribe)……for the day you can pounce legally!
ONLY REACT LEGALLY……..when the time is right and you have gathered enough evidence. You will overwhelm the court with evidence.
Once you start the legal part……you will need to FOLLOW THROUGH! EVERY TIME!!!!!!
DO NOT EVER DROP A RESTRAINING ORDER OR LAWSUIT once filed. GO FOR THE ANNUAL EXTENSIONS…..Keep documenting.
Legally is the only way you can fight back.
Remember, his behaviors are to provoke a reaction. BITE YOUR TONGUE, even if you bite it off. 🙂 (that’s where the valium may come in handy too) 🙂
It’s not who wins the battles…..it’s the war that counts! The battles are when you feel low, like today……the war is when you shut him up and can walk proud knowing he can’t affect you!!!
That is my BEST advice for you!
It served me well.
The S is now looking at moving to Tahiti!
I’m sorry your feeling low…..as shallow as it may sound….tomorrows another day!!!!
Sleep well dear!
ETP,
Try your best to hear what Oxy and Erin are advising.
DO NOT RESPOND. Only talk to us, and your MOST trusted and supportive friends. Not to the ‘ones’ he is talking to .
The truth is most of us gave up all those ‘connections’ with people who knew the ex n/p/s. I had a friend instruct me that he was a narcissist and then she went and had him over for dinner. People, just like us, can and will be fooled. We cannot trust them to hear our truth when they are hearing the lies of the p. It is confusing for them, JUST LIKE IT WAS CONFUSING FOR US.
BUT, we KNOW the truth. We know what they are.
YOU ARE NONE OF THE THINGS HE IS SAYING YOU ARE. I can say this, because in fact he could NEVER tell anyone who you really are. He can’t. He does not have the capacity to ‘see’ others, only to make them up. And only for his own benefit. So, whether he makes them his angel or his devil, he isn’t ‘getting’ who they are. He lives in TOTAL fantasy, and deceit.
He is trying to hook you and drag you back into the ooze pit of his life. REFUSE. Don’t play into his hook (to defend yourself against lies).
Let him bury himself, one shovel full at a time. He will. Count on it. You need do nothing as he is his own enemy.
HUGS
Thank you all of you and please keep these words coming…I hear all of your words and I have to say this has been the hardest for me..I have cried more than I have in sometime now..the pain is unbearable and it hurts so badly….I want so badlt to have retribuition and its hard as I appear crazy….I have taken valium today just to ease the pain a bit..I feel like I have taken 500 steps back..I want to scream and yell and rip his heart out but he doesnt have one….I need all of you right now as I feel weak and exhausted….my sister actually spoke to him and informed him to not call me or talk to me..if he wants to see his son he can call her and she will make the arrangements..she actually suggested that he consider signing off on his rights as he isnt seeing his son nor his he paying anything and all he is doing is hurting him and myself in the process…he texted me horrible things lastnight which still sting…..I have been in contact with his wife..I believe she is trying to help and it seems to buffer his ability to pit us against eachother..but again eb=ven that I am a bit wary…Im confused and so deeply saddened and reakize now that yes my heart is still broken by this man
Dear ETP,
Honey, you must go NO contact, your sister’s idea is great. Let her do the calling for you, or receive calls from him.
DO NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT ONE WORD!!!!
Donh’t even let your sister tell you anything about him or what he said other than “He will pick up the baby at my house at 10 a.m. and drop hinm off at 5 p.m.
Don’t ask her what he looked like, or what he said.
NO NEWS (INFORMATION) IS GOOD NEWS!!! As long as you hear anything about him it will trigger you.
Yes, your heart is broken because the FANTASY is gone. THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS and HE IS A MONSTER!!!
Slimone is right, he will bury HIMSELF. HE IS HIS OWN WORST ENEMY!!! Listen to her! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!!!
Cry, cry cry……Look in the mirror at YOU….connect with YOU! Connect with the pain, this is how you work through it all.
Do not have contact. He’s not going to change…..for you or the child.
Do not be hard on yourself…..this is the grieving process…..10 steps forward…..5 steps back……tomorrow will be a new evolution of progression……it’s all progress……Quit being so hard on yourself.
Allow yourself these times……they hurt so bad, that the next time we feel it coming on we respond differently because of what we learned TODAY!
He’s not going to change, he is not going to be a step up father, his wife can’t change this…….SHE CHOSE TO BE THE WIFE…….REMEMBER?
Be very careful……..I dont see a need for contact with either. If she contacts you……record it. Be polite, but DO NOT EVER THINK SHE IS YOUR FRIEND. Slimone was right on…..people turn at a drop of a hat…..even if they know about the S’s antics and harp on them to you……We can’t seem to trust many people here……MY WHOLE FAMILY TURNED ON ME AT ONE POINT! I would have never suspected that one.
I think it’s dangerous to get your sister involved…….He’s just not a father, so why would he be more of a father dealing with the sister? He won’t.
CUT ALL CONTACT……your not getting money, your child is not getting a father…….
YOU NEED TO GO TO COURT TO FILE FOR CUSTODY ORDERS……he will not follow through. Push through the legal system and keep the documentation open.
Make him stand up (not going to happen)……or push him out completely…….But LEGALLY!
It is what it is! YOU CAN”T CHANGE IT!
Don’t be fooled by wolves in sheeps clothing. I went through a period of trusting NO ONE……. NOT my kids, my parents, siblings, the s, friends, clients, pastor……NO ONE…… I slowly LET a few of them earn my trust, but not 100% yet…because some of them blew me away again!!!!……..I do not owe anyone anything!!!!
Protect yourself the way YOU Know how…..but DO NOT allow yourself to be RULED by anyone!!!
This too shall pass~ it really will.
Find your strength and tomorrow is a new day!!!
XXOO
EETP:
My spin on this is a bit different. Strike back, but only if you can keep your fingerprints off of it and don’t have to engage with our S. Here’s an example or 2/ First, My s was a financial deadbeat 0– had 16 default judgments against him. Forget me collecting the cash he owed me. Far easier to sick those other 15 default judgment creditors ahead of me in line one him. THe have the judgments, so they can attach is paycheck , since I’m pointing them in the right direction. O r our friend keeping_faith who siced the American s with Valor Act website on her ex-S who was a sociopath and a fraud because he was never a former navy seal or a prisoner of war. If yo want revenge, you’ve got to use the facts at your disposal to blow them out of the water.
EndthePain:
I am so sorry. I was afraid of this.
Remember when I told you the Smear Campaign would be just as brutal as any physical abuse he could do to you???
This is what I was talking about.
He’s sending you vicious text messages??? I see this as a great sign that he is coming undone a little.
“especially his mother as we were so close and she was close to my son.”
Just make sure he does not try to brainwash YOUR parents. Mine had the audacity to go after MY parents!! Some of these characters know NO BOUNDARIES.
EndthePain, just try to remain calm through all of this and don’t respond to the lies. If you look nervous or frazzled, people will begin to think there is truth to his lies.
Never let ’em see you sweat!
If you can stay quiet through all of this, and he keeps spreading these lies about you relentlessly, people are going to start looking at HIM like there is something wrong with HIM.
His smear campaign will implode in his face if he takes it too far.
One more thing. Defamation of character lawsuits are really hard to prove. I have already looked into it.
Hi Matt: 🙂
I so agree…..but I think the timing is everything……stealthness is KEY……and patience galore….
This is where using the sociopathic skills we learned through them is key.
I use the analogy……S on a trail, hiking along……your the snake in the grass……YA GOTTA BE QUIET and HIDE or you will tip S off your there and gonna get him! If he know’s your in the grass, he will get you before you get him, you’ll end up losing your head.
Make sure, when you strike……there is no ‘anti-venom’ around for miles……so they foam at the mouth and shrivel up!
You must be in control of your own emotions and movements to be successful. You can’t act out of desperation, this is when you make mistakes. This is where patience comes in, and knowing yourself and the situation. When to let some things go, and when to strike out on others.
SOme days we may be capable, some days we shouldnt even attempt anything.
Always document….document, document. Keep EVERYTHING. ALL OF IT……NEVER GO THROUGH YOUR STUFF AND DISCARD ANYTHING!!!!
As you learn about the S, documentation that may not have made sense at one point will now make sense.
Use the ‘rules of recon’, and strike when they least expect it and never suspect it was you!!!!!
My S is still foaming at the mouth!!!
🙂
thank you…It seems like the wife is genuine as she is divorcing him (supposedly) and has been trying to get him to see things as well..but I think I am being niave as well…as I was the enemy before
I am documenting everything…MATT I like your way of thinking can you give me some examples???