Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Rosa….I do remember you saying that about the smear campaign..and you were so right….I just couldnt believe he was capable of it..but now I know…as far as my family goes…they hate him ans arew helping me and supporting me..its hard to remain quiet as it is so hurtful!!
Erin..thank you..I will keep it all in mind : ) Oxy..big huggs to you as well..you are awesome to lean on and get advice….
I will need you guys to help me with this..thanks again xoxoxox
slimone..I fread your post a few times before it sank in..I know u are right..today was so horrible as I dug myself in deeper feeling I had to defend myself..and I was hung up on..they actually hung uo on me..even tho they themselves have spoken horribly of him before..I just felt like shit all day..down and bummed..again taking valium…just shocked…and it was like I couldnt stop I was insisted that I could fix it if they wpould talk to me and it made it worse…and I hate feeling Like I need to know what he is doing its horrible..addicting in a sense I am usually in control and feel like I totally lost it..even tho I know he isnt worth it!!
Jen2008, Rune, Indiana Jim:
All 3 of you hit the nail right on the head. That is why I am so confused.
But, I think I am going to send the birthday present, like I always do.
He’s 2000 miles away. He cannot hurt me.
That’s OK, right?
As far as the “favor” goes, I think he would have done it for any number of people, not just me. He’s a very generous man, and that’s just the way he rolls. That’s one of the reasons I like him so much.
ROSA:
“And is there any chance this guy could be an S?”
Okay……your the one asking girl???????
If you have to ask, I would suspect you have several RED FLAGS going on!!!! Heed your own gut… warning you.
There are a few things you mention that concern me…..First, remember he (sounds as if) he is a man of ‘means’……please do not let money cloud your judgement.
Please do not allow the ‘favor’ he did for you, change WHO you are. People of means do favors for 2 reasons……because they WANT TO, simply WANT TO because they can. And they expect NOTHING in return.
OR—because they can and THEY EXPECT SOMETHING IN RETURN.
Your ‘friend’s pressure is not an act of a friend.
Your ‘friends’ giving you shit about forgetting to send a gift/birthday last year, is not a normal response for a friend.
He obligated you and he is letting you know.
I would say……be careful with this guy.
From what you say, he uses his money for his convenience. He offers to fly YOU out……yet, if he was so ‘ into you’, he would be knocking down walls to get to your town.
It sounds as if he can’t be bothered. But he can book a flight for you. He’s way more important and has to stay ‘home’ to run his company, and your just a little broke cutie that he will pay to fly to him!!!
And the point that he hasn’t dated anyone in 5 YEARS……and he is that aggressive with you? I wouldn’t place myself in a ‘special’ position with this one.
Also…..his initial greeting at the funeral…..YIKES…..that screams N or S……whatever it is…..YIKES….RED FLAG!!!!!
NOT FLATTERING……just a ‘suck in’ sorta comment……AND IT WORKED!!!!
ROSA……be careful.
It sounds, (as much as you say not,) as though you are feeling OBLIGATED to send him something for the birthday……
He sounds as if he’s training you from afar!!!
I don’t buy it……but again, I’m the paranoid EB that would rather be alone, than have ANY questions and be wrong!!!!!
I ain’t going through another S!!!!!!!!!!
ErinBrochovich:
You also hit the nail right on the head.
“if he was so ‘into you’, he would be knocking down walls to get to your town.”
Yeah, Erin, I have brought up this exact point to him many times. He says he is too busy, which he is.
But, I do really like him, and I don’t want to be this hard, closed-off person with walls all around me walking around suspicious of everyone for the rest of my life. That’s not living to me. I would rather get hurt again.
And then when I look at what you have been through, and some of the other women on this site, I definitely don’t want to go down that road, either.
Rosa:
I think it’s prudent to look at people with the ‘decoder’ glasses on after an experience with an S.
It’s like shoving the toothpaste back in the tube…..You CAN”T do it. Once the info is out……you can’t ignore it.
My mother told me recently…..(the one who betrayed me)…..”She prefers to see all people as good.”
Well….yeah….cool thought! SO would I……But I now know better and in reality……SO DOES SHE! All people are NOT good, and we SHOULD be suspicious of some. She is just willing to dismiss her knowledge and MY pain to keep a relationship with the S, or to keep her fantasy of the world alive???? GO FIGURE! It’s just too overwhelming for her to allow herself to see the wrong and destruction and manipulations she was party to at the hands of an S.
Living is having boundries on how you will accept to be treated, feeling pain and pleasure, communication, love etc….
I would recommend asking yourself…..WHY you really like him?
I don’t suggest hardening yourself up to not being open to a healthy loving, relationship……but I do think you should not walk past red flags., unless your looking to get hurt again. Red flags always equal hurt. It’s just part of the recipe……the cake won’t rise without the pain!
I don’t want to see another LF casualty…..so just please, be honest with yourself, evaluate what it is you LIKE in this guy and do what is right for YOU!
BTW…..does he ever remember your b-day or send you odd gifts here and there?
Can we be casual here? Sometimes “a cigar is just a cigar”?
A little more data would help.
Rosa remains on the radar because she chooses to remain on the radar.
The guy — who knows? Has he married and divorced since the funeral where they met? Who knows?
I understand the mayor of LA has lots of time for affairs, but not everyone who is important, a CEO, a high-level businessperson, has lots of time for a social life.
More data? Meanwhile, Rosa got a great benefit “just because,” and she feels like saying “thank you.”
People who are blatantly successful are hounded by sociopathic golddiggers of both sexes, so they are justifiably skeptical as well.
Rosa, send the present, say hi, and trust your gut. The worst you’ve done is show legitimate appreciation for a generous act. It’s not ruling your life. If this dude is teasing you while married to someone else, you’ve got several neon flags, I’d say. But meanwhile, be your nice self, and stay in his Rolodex.
At this rate you’ll have plenty of time to know if you need to backtrack and head for the EXIT sign.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck……..
Well……
this doesn’t sound like a cuban cigar……it is sounding run of the mill smoke shop to me.
Rosa gave no indication this guy is skeptical…..quite the contrary….
I agree….she got a great, generous gift that she greatly appreciated……BUT it shouldn’t indebt her…..or provide her pressure at any point to do anything against her gut.
Please don’t place CEO’s or ‘high level business people’ as important, personally……this opinion festers the ego’s and perpetuates the feeling of ‘you will all drop everything for me’ type attitude.
I work with ‘high level’ persons…..every single one of them makes the time to do whatever it is they wish to do personally. The old saying…..the busier you are, the more time you have…….it sooooo true!!! Certainly if IT”S IMPORTANT or they WANT IT!
They all wipe their butts just like us…….they just sign more contracts, make more money, travel by jet, eat at better restaurants and have more domestic help.
They don’t all kiss your hand and tell you your my next fiance at first glance and lay it on thick from there.
My point was….DO NOT DO ANYTHING out of guilt or obligation.
And……Keep your eyes WIDE OPEN!!!
Your right…..ROSA is CHOOSING to stay on the radar, but she has also has questions in regards to him.
This IS a red flag.
Dear EB—-
I agree with your intuition—there is something about this guy that seems to “smell fishy” with the limited amount of info we have.
The “coming on too strong, too soon” is a BIG FLAG for me even if it isn’t a “romantic” type relationship, but even a friendship that comes on too strong too fast is off-putting for me and usually turns out to be a border-line or N or P trolling. I realize I AM “special, interesting, wonderful, ” and all that, but at the same time….not THAT “special, interesting or wonderful” LOL
My P-X-BF came on like GANG BUSTERS and BOOM, wanted to buy me everything in sight and all that, DO everything for me, even mowed my egg donor’s yard….(3 acres) in the hottest weather, cooked for me etc. I LET MY GUARD DOWN cause I was in “heaven”—-but just like Eve, I ATE THE FRUIT OF THE TREE OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL—-and I FINALLY, and PAINFULLY SWA THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.
CAUTION ROSA! CAUTION!
Hi everyone:)
I have to say that EB and Oxy are right in advising caution:( Its a shame because I totally understand when you say ‘I don’t want to be this hard, closed-off person with walls all around me walking around suspicious of everyone for the rest of my life. That’s not living to me.’ Its hard. I think if you trust your gut instincts – you will make the right choices:(xxxx
I am dating someone right now, in the old fashioned sense, just conversation and going to gigs and no funny business, he’s a good-un and has been very patient with me, no pressure, no over blown compliments, just good decent actions,understanding, remebering the things I like, buying me a book that he remembered I said I wanted to read but without expecting a great big round of applause… all good and gentle… but today I cancelled on him making me dinner, because I just felt crap and didnt want to go… I dont feel ready, my instincts are telling me that I dont feel ready, so I listened to them, without being mean, I have no OBLIGATION to do anything I dont want to do. I have vaguely explained he’s dissapointed but fine and we’ll see eachother soon, I dont want to shut myself off, but I simply have to listen to my feelings right now.
I am also resolved never to have a long distance ‘relationship’ with anyone again(if already made friends move away then that is different) because I know that had the creep I knew lived near me and I had got to know him face to face he would not have been able to hide his true self so well, I like to think I would not have got involved with him at all, but I cant say that for definate…. I was such a sucker for what I percieved to be grand romantic gestures and silky smooth words:S To me that stuff is just a big fat warning siren now.
I am have been doing quite well lately – but I recently found something, a drawing he did for my son when he first met him, that got lost in the rest of the pile of drawings we do all of the time and it’s really disturbed me, I feel terrible. I want to ask you guys here if I should do anything about it. They were supposed to be drawing Rocket ships, and I didnt take much notice, my son and I have drawing ‘jam sessions’ all of the time – we get through piles of paper every week – anyway I found the drawings, and they are not rocket ships, they are female genitals. This man drew representations of female genitals for my 5 year old son! I nearly puked. How could I have let this happen? What was he trying to do???? This man – has just qualified as an NP and wants to work in isolated communities…. I think I should send these pictures to his superiors with a brief explaination of what they are and express my concerns… they will probably think I am crazy, I guess I could have done them myself… its so awful. Is there anyway you can report someone you suspect as capable of further abuse… even if you have no ‘real evidence?.