Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Now I understand the “addition”. When I see my life I can say with all confidence that I was addicted to this “S”. I just had a relapse recently. ” Went back to him again” after almost a year and got hurt again. Now I’m starting the process of reahabilitation again from the scratch. Now I understand the importance of the concept of NO CONTACT. No phone call, no e-mail, no pictures NOTHING. Because we really have to deal with ourselves us we are addicted and we need to get rid of all the dopamine that keep us looking and craving for the “S”, if we don’t do that we’ll be sucked back in again.
Jim – The greatest fear I had coming out of this was that I would turn out like my S in the sense that I would shut down, be cold, build a wall, never trust, and never allow another being that close to me again. But every damn day, I work so hard at remaining true to myself – while armed with a new and improved tracking device – MY INSTINCTS. I do not base them on my past experience w/the S, so as to misread/misjudge a non-S, I base them on simple core values/boundaries/ideals. This goes for friends/family/coworkers…ANYONE. I am slowly starting to feel in control again as well as learning what needed improvement within me. Speaking of, that four letter word that seems to haunt me … FEAR. I am working on having a healthy balance of the fear… not too much and not too little.
You will find and see real love again when you are ready! Its virtually impossible for all of us to go on this journey and not end up seeing and truly loving ourselves for starters! And then those of us who wish to share our love and life with a partner will be able to. Whether or not who we choose to consider to share our love is in a good place – only time will tell. And you can be certain that God will send his Red Flags to us, if we cannot see what we need to initially with our own eyes/instincts. The red flags are there for a reason. Stop. Change direction. Lest we not forget there are yellow flags that simply mean slow down/ be cautious but PROCEED (i.e. with your friend you are interested in) and green flags that will absolutely let us know we made it back on track emotionally and physically!
It sounds to me that you have done the hard work, and continue to do more work and you have been rewarded with all the things you are thankful for and will continue to be rewarded with a good and blessed life!
The toxic one and chaos… ultimately jump-started all of us to greater sense of being and awareness. There is always something good that comes from something bad!!
learnEDthe lesson (no ING)-I liked the “yellow” and “green” flag thing. You’re Oxy without the skillet…glad you’re here.
Dear Changed(forthebetter)forever – You are correct about the addictive affect the S-experience challenges us with. Dont be hard on yourself for having a relapse, we all have been there, and perhaps on some level needed to have one or two before our “awakening” moment that it could go on for a lifetime if we let these devoid creatures lurk around in our lives. NO CONTACT works. LOVEFRAUD helps. Being self-reflective enlightens. And going through the emotions and feelings allows us to grow and learn. One day at a time. Someone is always here for you 24/7. Or within a few hours if its in the middle of the night!! 🙂 Stay strong. Your post was very positive…you are on your way out of this mess!
learnthelesson,
That is so insightful. It was the same way for me. The sex was robotic, and he was cold. I virtually gave up orgasms, except for some puny events that were more mental than physical. But my attachment for him, and the related sexual and emotional triggers, somehow made it all erotic.
I know we don’t talk much about sex here. And I’m just as glad, because I really don’t want to think too much about sex with him. The memories mostly disgust me, but even that means I’m still too emotionally engaged.
As the same time, I want to mention that there was some kind of link between love, sex and fear with him. The fear could get twisted into a kind of exhilaration, like skiing too fast down a slope beyond my skill level. But this combination was, for me, part of the powerful addictive connection.
I’m sure that all of this is related to the brain chemicals of Stockholm Syndrome, and I hope that someday researchers look more deeply into this. I hate it that my sexuality could be used against me in this way. I remember when it was going on, I used to wish there was a pill I could take to shut it all off.
Actually, maybe there was. At the very end, I started taking Paxil. That was the period when I finally started standing up to him, and cutting him off sexually. I remember an e-mail he sent me, telling me that I should switch anti-depressants because his relatives told him that Paxil suppresses sexual desire. My response was that I didn’t want him in my bed because I was too angry, but the Paxil may actually have been helping.
At the time, I made one failed attempt to get him out of my life. He talked me out of it, and I didn’t succeed until three months later. But I did stop sleeping with him. And though it was incredibly painful to deal with him during this period, I think it was what made it possible to finally throw him out permanently.
Jim – (yes ING…ING…ING!!!! ) 🙂 Oxy is in a league of her own! She quite possibly might be the Saint of Lovefraud! Could never fill her shoes, or riding boots or rainboots or mule clogs …jeez what in the world does Oxy wear on the farm? But Im afraid I just boinked someone on the head with a skillet a few posts ahead of ours :). You are right tho, I wont have to do it to you – you are the male version of Oxy (only with Potters wand) and way ahead of the process…glad you’re here too!
Kathleen: One of the traits we share is that we are NOT risk-averse. We like adventure. We like a little adrenaline rush. This is one of the traits that showed up in the research behind “Women Who Love Psychopaths.”
I think this suggests that along with all the neurochemistry of sexual attraction, we are also wired to enjoy a little element of risk in our love relationships, and we might be just a little more predisposed to jump in when others might hesitate.
And then, of course, we get addicted.
Kathleen – Im hoping when we are all fully healed we can keep some good memories and toss all of the bad memories. Good memories are special and healthy in the most unique ways. But only when we are healthy enough to have clearly resolved and defined what they were in this situation.
I think I understand what you are saying about the love sex and fear. Although, not certain. I didnt have fear in that mix. I just really felt this overwhelming experience with this person. What do you mean by wanting to shut it off? Because I didnt want it to end? I just wanted all of the other aspects of the relationship to be healthy. Not that the physical aspect was healthy (but in my mind at the time it was the best of the best when we were having our “good runs”…
I stopped seeing him too. I refused (painstakingly) to continue fulfilling his every need/whim/desire. I told him it was a one way street and its now a dead end. He tried every which way (except a face to face adult conversation about the direction our relationship was heading) HA HA HA – I thought he could handle that! HA HA… instead texts, calls, texts, texts, comments to weaken my soul and spirit…texts, charm, wit, texts, pictures, inquiries, (an entire year) and then as the holidays were approaching I almost weakened, especially when he made a plea for us to simply to “be friends again” – after what seemed like forever that that was exactly what I was trying to do, accomplish (ok settle for) .. but he wrote “we can be friends again, Merry Christmas” a week before Christmas- as though he was the one who had the say as to our fate. Just typical. Immature. Sit down. Kathleen.. the next day or so he texted “hey, do you still have that washer/dryer in your storage unit, Im at laundry mat 🙁 mine is on the brink).. My heart sunk. I said, no put it in one of my rental units…sry. Knowing full well it was still in storage (I had no choice, didnt want to have to be honest and tell him I had it and shove him in it on spin, rinse and burn dry cycle!!) Imagine an entire year of not talking to or seeing me, trying to keep me in the loop for phone/text solicitations – but never taking responsibility for working on things. I texted something like I could never go back to the way you “friend”. Please dont text me anymore. A week later on the 25th he wrote “Merry xmas”. I didnt respond. And just like that I was given the best gift ever- a journey to reclaim and make my free spirit all mine again! Mine always had a motive with me to get something. Because that is not my nature, I erroneously projected onto myself that it just couldnt be true. He just is down on his luck, depressed, inexperienced, you name it — if there was a excuse to be had, I came up with it. BUT WHY??? Oxy, give me a hint why….I did that.
DEar Learn-ed the lesson,
“Saint Oxy!”???? Ah, come on, dearie! I am ANYTHING but a “Saint” LOL ROTFLMAO You just haven’t been around long enough to read some of my last year’s posts! Sheesh, I used to lay awake nights dreaming of ways to do my P’s “in” and hide the bodies! LOL Those ARE NOT the thoughts of a “saint.”
I’ve always got better advice for others than I lived myself, that was the ODD PART OF IT, but I guess the old saying about “those that CAN, DO. Those that CAN’T DO, TEACH.”
I was always a better teacher than I was a do-er, but now I am, just like the rest of the people here at LF LEARNING TO DO what I already KNEW WAS RIGHT! Instead of running my life on “emotional fuel” I am running it on LOGICAL and HEALTHY BEHAVIORS NOW.
Sure, it is emotionally NORMAL to want my egg donor to love me, and it is emotionally NORMAL to want my offspriing to love me, and it is emotionally NORMAL to want my BF to love me, etc. but LOGICALLY, REALISTICLY, IT WASN’T HAPPENING. Pretending that the way they treated me was “normal” and “good” was FANTASY on my part. I could look at “your life” (that’s the universal “you”) and see that your husband/BF/mother etc treating you that way was ABUSE and I could advise you to leave and NC, but I couldn’t see it was ABUSE in my own life. As Jesus said about the Pharisees, they “Have eyes and cannot see, ears and cannot hear.”
NOW I CAN SEE AND HEAR, and accept the TRUTH. A year ago I was just starting to come out of the FOG…now I’m doing better, but “saint”? NOT ON YOUR TIN TYPE! Just another former victim struggling to make sense of it all, to get my head around it and start to live in the NOW and set appropriate boundaries.
Last night I was re-reading another section of the ‘Betrayal Bond” about setting boundaries and it resonated so much with me. I’m “on the road” to Healing, but I think I will always have to study the “maps” and work hard at staying on that road, not getting side tracked etc.
I too would love to find another life-partner, but the odds are totally stacked against me. Like Jim, I have several male FRIENDS (without benefits) but none of them, though they are dear dear friends, would make a suitable partner for me as there are “deal breakers” in the lives of each of them, not “bad” or “dishonest” things, but just things that would make us incompatible as partners….lifestyle and choices more than anything….one guy is such a filthy housekeeper/clutter-er/junk collector that we couldn’t get on (and he isn’t gonna change) another spends his money so he is always broke before pay day (I couldn’t live like that) another has two kids that at age 65 he is raising (not interested in another 10 yrs of kid raising at my age 62. He’s 65 and had them late in life) another guy has 5 yr old twins he is paying support on from a late marriage to a very young woman that lasted about a year, etc. etc. there is something about each of these guys that would preclude me having a GOOD “relationship” with them. They are great FRIENDS though. But you know, I do go places with them and hang out with them, so I do have “male company” frequently, just not in a “relationship” or “sexual” way at all. At least I do have the friendships.
Well, I’m glad the subject of sex has been brought up (no pun intended!)
“Robotic” is a good way to describe his sex. Thank you, again, Lovefraud for giving me information to help sort things out!