Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
EB said: “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck—..”
And sometimes after being pecked half to death by a duck, whenever a person sees flamingoes, chickens, turkeys, or a really big bird who has spent too much time in the backyard birdfeeder, they immediately think DUCK and go screaming in the other direction.
Rosa has been FRIENDS (FRIENDS, NOT ROMANTIC PARTNER) with the dude for FIVE years and overall it does not sound as if he has done anything BAD to her AT ALL. Yeah, pressure when she visited (for what I am not sure, but I am guessing he may have wanted to have sex with her when she went to visit but with all respect to James, most men who are NOT heavy into christianity are going to want to have sex with a woman who flies cross country to visit them, and YES if they are halfway decent they will respect her saying no which I assume this guy must have done). And after a coupla years of sending him birthday presents, she skipped a year and he asked WHY. Ok, rude question, but really, not earth shatteringly so. Maybe he thought she was mad at him or something since she didn’t send a gift that year–who knows.
I agree that Rosa needs to use caution, but I agree mainly because it sounds to me that although Rosa clearly states they are just FRIENDS, in MY opinion she may be also using a bit of subtle pressure on HIM with all her questionning about his romantic relationships and violating his privacy BOUNDARIES (like why is it even her business whether he is or isn’t seeing someone?). This makes me think perhaps Rosa actually wants MORE in the way of a relationship or wanting the guy to act as if they have a romantic relationship when in fact they do NOT.
So, playing devil’s advocate here, I would say if Rosa needs to be cautionary about him, he needs to be equally cautionary about her.
Erin: Yes, he remembers my birthday. He wants to fly me somewhere on my birthday, and at Christmas, too.
So, this guy is not married or anything like that. That’s one thing I am sure of.
Jen2008: I question him about whether he is seeing someone and he quizzes me, too. Plus, he is always wanting to fly me to where he is. If I am going to do that, I want to make sure I am EXCLUSIVE! I am not interested in “being one of many.”
I don’t care if he is an S or not. I don’t want a cheater, either. Or a “player”.
Rune & Erin: What do you mean that I am “choosing to stay on the radar?” I am choosing to continue the friendship and stay in some type of contact? Yes. I like him.
As far as the “favor”, I did NOT even have to ask for this huge favor. He just DID IT. I was not even expecting it. In fact, he always seems to know instinctively what I want or need. And his timing is always AMAZING when it comes to things like that. You cannot have timing like this without being able to put yourself in other people’s shoes (that’s EMPATHY). He’s got EMPATHY! 🙂
He’s smart, very smart, even brilliant, and funny, too. His mind is the sexiest thing about him, as far as I am concerned. He has a good relationship with his family.
He’s GREAT to waiters/waitresses, and anyone who works for him. When he calls me, he always asks me how my Mom and the rest of my family is. These are things I love about him.
That’s why I do not want to end my friendship with him.
I am going to send him a birthday present. That’s what I wanted to do all along, anyway.
But, I will proceed with CAUTION. I am not a “lamb” who just stepped out of “Mommy & Daddy’s house”. I have seen this type of man before. There is really no need to worry. It’s not that big of a deal, unless I decide to take it further.
But I am not going to press any issues. It will play out on its own, don’t you think?
In the meantime, I will just enjoy my friendship with this man.
P.S. If it ever does progress to anything more and blows up in my face, I am not telling anyone on this site!! You will all kick my ass and give me the skillet!! 🙂 🙂
Thank you ladies! Great talk, at least for me. Reading all of your posts next to each other really helps me sort things out in my mind.
The advice on this site is better than any therapist’s office, as far as I am concerned.
Indiana Jim:
Thank You! I ALWAYS want to know what men are thinking.
The “5 years/no one else” scenario is too much for me to believe, too. Why can’t he just tell me?
I think that is why I am standing at the edge of this pool, but I am not diving in.
I have a vibrator. What is HE using for a “vibrator”?
Thanks to all for the ;posts yesterday…I feel a bit better today…steel reeling a bit from the smear campaign…kust feeling drained and completely attacked..a bit discombobulated in a way…lol….
It seems to easy when I fread to just take the high road but I am stilll having a difficult time with it…why does it hurt so much ansd why do I feel the urge to fight it so much????
Rosa said: “P.S. If it ever does progress to anything more and blows up in my face, I am not telling anyone on this site!! You will all kick my ass and give me the skillet!!”
HAHAHAHAHHA, ok this gave me the giggles……………
“The “5 years/no one else” scenario is too much for me to believe, too. Why can’t he just tell me?”………..Because he is taking the easy way out probably, plus he probably likes you and doesn’t want to rock the boat, plus he probably thinks it is none of your business since the two of you are not in a romantic exclusive relationship. Admittedly a little bit cowardly to act as if not involved with someone else rather than being bold enough to say, “Rosa, yes I see woman but that is really none of your business.”………………Uh, on your last question, you could always check for callouses on his hand. *my bad*
I am so badly wanting to send an email to the S about all he has done and his smear campaign..Im feeling like I am spinning again..SO ANGRY…SO HURT…I HATE HIM!!!
Rosa:
“I have a vibrator. What is HE using for a “vibrator”?
Uh…..refer to Jens comment above……
OR- he’s ordering things/toys off that crazy infomercial on at 3am,(when he’s awake pining about YOU) selling all sorts of things I never knew existed for men, and for women for that matter!!!!
OR- both of above…..in addition to having his regulars.
“P.S. If it ever does progress to anything more and blows up in my face, I am not telling anyone on this site!! You will all kick my ass and give me the skillet!!”
………anonymity it great!!!! Girl…..I got my boots ready!
Have fun…..BUT BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!
(I recommend the vibrator…..the only shock is from possible electrocution!!!!)
End:
Oh ETP…….it does hurt, I am sorry.
The pain and anger will diminish……it will heighten/diminish/heighten/diminish……your processing it all.
That’s good. That’s healthy.
It’s a lesson in patience. There is lessons in every step we take in life. Let it happen…….figure out what LIFE IS TRYING TO TEACH YOU……
Try not to pine over what you can’t control…….
YOU CAN”T CONTROL HIM!!!
I tell my kids, when they are harassed……..You can’t stop anyone from saying anything……You can only be in control of yourself.
Process the pain. It’s normal to want to ‘shut him down’……you can’t.
Your back in the ‘why’ asking phase…….
Well…….WHY do you expect him to do/say anything different?
Because you would NEVER do this>……..ofcoarse not……your a loving, caring, compasionate human being with feelings for yourself and others. THIS IS NORMAL……this is why his behaviors are so foreign and hard to digest.
You must find a way that works for YOU…..during these days, so you can cope……otherwise……you have given him the best of you!
REFUSE to do that!!!! He is NOT WORTH IT!!!!
You are worth so much more.
DO NOT REACT DIRECTLY TO HIM/OTHERS he has contact with…….
Like someone else told you yesterday…….NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT!!!! NEVER!!!!!
This is WHY they do these things……do not let them think they are effective……or it will continue.
NO CONTACT………
Whatever you want to say……..say to a mirror, wall, car door, whatever,………(not in public) 🙂 Get it out, say it all with all the passion you would to his face…….scream it, mean it, cry, show your passion……get it out…….you should feel better expressing yourself in this way!
Then just sit and ‘be’.
You WILL be okay…….
Okay….so TOMORROW is another day!
Patience my dear……..what comes around goes around……patience!!!!
END:
Rune said in another thread……
“At some point we figure out that we can’t take any of their words personally. They are meaningless. And knowing that can set us free.
Sunday, 7 June 2009 @....... 11:53am”
THIS IS THE BOTTOM LINE…….TRUE