Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
Erin….you are so strong and I admire you so much..you inspire me!!!
You are so right as before I realized he was a sociopath all I wanted to was help him..he was hangin with bad people…drugs..pills..and drinking alot…I tried to get him to stay away from them..he told me he wasnt doing it only drinking..I tried to get him into a good job..one excuse after another..I was worried as I saw his divorce taking a troll on him..I reached out to friends and family to help him as I loved him ands wanted him to get help from anyone who could…WOW what a reality check…nobody helped….they all covered and now I am the one who they all hate now….I cant even ask why…as it doesnt matter…they are allin denial…
BTW…he called today and spoke to my son after I insisted he think about signing off on his rights and informing him to either write in ciommunication with me or go thru my sister to see his son..he actually had the nerve to tell him he plans on seeing him alot more and to take care of his mommy…..can u believe that??? what the hell is he up to now!!!!!
END:
Careful there……the strength comes and goes…..but I always have to tell myself I am strong!!!!
I am glad I can offer you help or inspiration.
You are NOT alone….this is an important realisation. I thought I was the only one on earth that was duped, conned, fronted…..damn….for the majority of my life 2/3rds of it!!! I’m in my early 40’s!!!!!
We want to fix in others, so we dont fix ourselves!!!! If we focus out….we can’t focus in……
Why is it we feel the need to ‘reach out’ FOR them? Have WE ever expected anyone to REACH OUT on our behalf?
Oh yeah……the pawn’s, deniers, blind persons in the S’s life…..they are ALL around. Because it’s easier.
ETP….do not expect ANYTHING from the S. YOu know, that if you want it, set out guidelines, express expectations to him etc…..HE WILL DO THE OPPOSITE…..just to get a rise! They always must feel in control.
Take your knowledge and awareness and make it work for you and your child.
DON”T LET HIM SEE YOU SWEAT!!!!
Nerve? Oh yes….I believe it. It’s sick to us…..but, yes I believe it.
My ex S always told my kids, on his once a week phone message, “Respect your mother, take care of your mother”……it’s the do as I say, not as I do effect……
It’s the script that sounds good, it’s the learned acting that is ‘acceptable to society’. They have to do these things, or they would ‘out’ themselves.
Just keep your awareness antena up, DO NOT REACT…..keep documenting, get that court order, buy a digi camera and a digi tape recorder….document, document, document!!!!
Oh yeah…..believe that they are always up to something……keep your ears open, but don’t let it consume you!!! You are a mommy and you need to take care of YOU!!!!
XXOO
‘Is there anyway you can report someone you suspect as capable of further abuse” even if you have no ’real’ evidence?.
I wonder if there is any advice about this? This man also has an addiction to pornography, frequents swinger sites, trawls for girls on the internet, admits to being a sexual preditor (verbally and I have no taped evidence)he and his ex wife have a long history with social services being involved with his kids, countless accusations of abuse by his step son (his ex never pressed charges) he is a compulsive masterbator, he sexually violent and manipulative, always trying to get you to make films or take photos, leaves bruises and bite marks, and I know that I think his manipulative behaviour and exploititive character make him very dangerous to vulnerable people( like me – he had me doing things I wouldnt dream of before and ignoring things I should not have…:(), and he is manouvering himself into a position of authority over poor communities and people with little or no power ( he wants to work in family health in communities where there are big social and health inequalities- which makes him sound very heroic – part of what attracted me to him – but knowing what he is, it is terrifying – talk about kid in a sweet shop) is there anyone I can alert – just in case? Or am I opening myself up to more trouble.
I guess I am feeling a little hysterical about this and would love a response, even if its just to tell me to calm down:Sx
Blueskies:
Aside from planting ‘seeds’ with ‘no fingerprints’…….
Unless the ‘murder’ has been commited, it’s impossible to get someone to look into anything.
This is how they operate……
They appear as heroes, the clean ones, the helpers, the stellar community members…….UNTIL ONE DAY THE MASK SLIPS. Because he is a predator!
I would suggest getting away, staying away and moving along with your healing. Always keep one eye open for trouble brewing…….but there really is nothing that you can do except be thankful YOUR not in his life!
Karma will come knocking on his door one day!!!
Erin
I am documenting everything. I have emailed basic info as to document as well….I have insisted him going through my sister to arrange to see my son ans also communication will be in writing..his mother whom I was very close with, as well….has turned to..which is fine..altho she is going tp push to see my son…woulkd it be ok as it is noy court ordered to suggest she go through my sister, as well???at what point do I stop documenting to cover myself as afterall I am the one beiong the caretaker provider and mother???
END:
“at what point do I stop documenting to cover myself as afterall I am the one beiong the caretaker provider and mother???”
NEVER…..EVER….EVER!!!
Yes, you are the ONE and only……but part of your job as caretaker is documenter.
Trust me on this……one day…..maybe two days…..when it really counts…..it will all become so clear the worthwhile efforts you made. It really becomes habit after a while. Start with a file and add to it, print emails, copy texts etc…. Keep a notebook and write every contact down, date, time and content. It doesn’t have to be pulitzer prize level…..just documented.
If the content is never heard…..the fact that you have kept a journal and file of documentation will speak volumes to the court to show you are serious, organized and well prepared. You will be able to refer back years to make accurate statements about specifics. Not guessing or assuming.
If you don’t keep something, you will need it……Keep everything.
You CAN DO IT!!!!
As far as going through your sister….I’m not sure how I feel about that…..
I tend to lean on your sister being manipulated by either? I know you said she was aware of he behaviors, but it may open up an oppourtunity for him to pull crap.
The mother…..I would stay strictly professional and speak only of the child…..generics. If you don’t feel the child will be in any danger with her, then you should allow this relationship.
Be prepared, she will not ‘play’ the way you will always want.
If she doesn’t respect your parenting boundries as far as rules, health and safety…..then warn her and you may need to ax her too.
It doesn’t sound like this is an issue that may be on your doorstep yet.
I would only let her initiate the calls to you. I would encourage her to email you. Tell her it’s easier, since your just so busy these days now your son it getting older…..
I wouldn’t call her, ask favors from her or any of that…..
When she does contact you, keep it ‘nice’, do not speak about her son…..(THIS WILL TAKE STRENGTH) and if she does….cut her off by saying you wish to have no conversations about her son. But, keep it generic, nice, smile…..but remember….. your NOT HER FRIEND.
If she does ask about her son seeing the boy, tell her that you invite HIM to make arrangements.
Let he know your boundries and it’s up to you to stick to them.
Don’t worry about too far down the line…….but keep up the documetation.
Dear End:
Since the “mother” called to speak to the baby , then put her son on the phone, I see her as a DUPED “good intentioned” manipulator who can’t imagine her boy doesn’t love his kid.
I would let her have SUPERVISED VISITS ONLY, and not take the baby. He can easily manipulate her and she will violate her word to you not to let her son see the baby and so on, and then say “but I didn’t think it would hurt anything…”
No matter how “close” you have been to this woman, DO NOT TRUST HER no matter how “sweet” her intentions are. Her son has her under his thumb.
Your sister must also know that she must NOT TALK about you or your X, but only about your son’s welfare and so on, how he is doing, or the weather, an dnot let the old lady manipulate her either. They can meet her at a chucky cheese or mcdonald’s play room for a rainy day visit, or at the park for a nice day visit. 1-2 hours. Your sister’s convenience in timing. Have sis take some photos too. Date stamp them and make sure you keep them an dcopies of records showing all phone calls to your son and visits, date and time.
Good luck!@.......
Oxy and Erin…yes Ibelieve the mother has been duped but more so in denial as she is lying for hiom..which scares me..we are no longer close as she feels she wanted us to get back tongether and he is now working the ex wife as she was more of a pushover than I was….regardless…Im so confused as i DID BEFRIEND HIS EX AS SHE WAS ABLE TO GIVE ME INFO..in which I can use….we were becoming friends and he knows that is well…so I believe it is the pity play on her as he does know she doesnt want him back but still is helping him in a sense…I want to scream at all of them as know since I have tried to pushe for the truth..I am now the bad guy….I want to send a cease a nd desist letter and just have everything go thru my sister and court…this all just sucks!!!
My God!! is there an end to this pain? You all are right, sometimes justice and the fight for it hurts. But, look at Hitler, he manipulated the whole nation. Sure there were those who saw right through him. They paid with their lives too; others just sat back and thought of protecting themselves, hiding & running away.
At least you and the ex wife seem to have an agreement. My S’s ex does not want to hear of anything of the sort. She just says: give him the child for Joint custody, I am sure he’ll get tired of it in two years. I can’t believe I am hearing a woman say that, especially after all she had told me about her life with this man. But, she isn’t a mother… That’s what I meant about the culture: no united front. The liar is not on the carpet, and laughs, hiding away from the spotlight. Isn’t there something we can do? I know one thing and this I know for sure: diagnosis of Psychopath is getting back into DSM V, in 2010. Maybe, it’ll be easier for us to communicate this disorder then. Thank you very much for support and website. I am blessed to have found all of you, because reading each story is like reading mine all over. A friend said to me as a joke that “they all went to the same school”
Denial = voluntary DUPE!
“It’s still a duck”
Of course your the bad guy…….anyone who seeks answers is always the ‘sqeeky wheel’…….this is why we need NC.
Do your recon undercover. Be the outward, happy, smiley, helpful, likeable great mother that you are……..and continue to gather……
It takes time…..don’t think it will ever go away…..plan on the long haul. Fine tune your skills and find a way that works for YOU. Choose the path of least damage to you. Emotionally, physically and your child.
Have you filed the order yet with the courts?
This would be the first order of business?