Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
“I am off to bed, wish me good luck as I struggle to maintain sanity (by the way, it’s a very humbling experience for a clinician). Thank you for sharing.”
GOOD LUCK!!!!
and have a good night sleep 🙂
Katya,
I did not read your whole story, but regarding the $300: You know it’s theft and we know it’s theft. But trying to prove that in court will probably be more trouble than it’s worth. Then trying to collect on it will be an even bigger nightmare. I would cut your losses. Sadly, it’s a bargain to get rid of a sociopath. What is your freedom worth? Make sure you protect yourself from now on and don’t let him take anything else from you.
I went through a few months deciding whether to take my HOA to court over that exact amount: $300. I was infuriated that they would not reimburse me for an issue that was clearly their responsibility. I researched the issue thoroughly and realized it would not be worth the fight for this amount. Only then was I able to let go of it. It’s often not only the dollar amount, but also the injustice of it and the fact that they can get away with it. The only consolation I have is that if you wait long enough, sociopaths always hang themselves in the end. Perhaps one day I’ll retell the story of mine to illustrate that point.
I had a very disturbing conversation with my older kids today. They told me things they apparently have said to me before, while he lived in the home and they say I denied them and turned the deaf ear. It ended with something like this:” SO, MOM, let me get this straight, you let him say these hurtful things to us while you weren’t there and you did not believe us, you let him hit the baby and did not believe us, you let him lie to you and steal money from you (our great new discovery of today) AND you fought with him when he was being mean. WHY did you fight with him, WHY did you not just throw his sorry ass out of the house?”
My kids are very supportive, but I sense their anger at feeling betrayed by Mom and no matter how much I apologize, I cannot take their pain away. I tried counseling but they would not open up and said it was all fine and they are “over” it, but today’s conversation really brought it home. So, how much of this should they be aware of? and – what was it with MY brain that I allowed myself to be so taken. there is a movie / book: it is called NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER. Did anyone read it? I met the author and wanted to discuss this book in light of parenting, parental rights and legal ramifications.
“Is there a law against posting real names of abusers?
I have my x n/p listed- even with a picture on one site which is dontdatehimgirl.com AND peepsheet.com
Check out these sites, they are designed to warn others about ANY type of abuse, illegal allegations, etc. one has experienced. You give their name, where they live, and any other info along with what they did to you. Your name is anonymous- you can leave as much info as you choose.
BOth sites have places for REBUTTALS if someone disagrees with the sites information posted there, which i would think falls under freedom of speech without any reprucussions for the one giving the info since alot of it is opinion based- however, I listed which counties the arrest records could be found to back up my claims. I think it is wonderful to be able to have “references” of people you date or contemplate relationships with!
http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com and http://www.peepsheet.com are the sites.
ps on http://www.dontdatehimgirl – you dont have to be a member to check out site altho it appears that way- just hit SEARCH at top to see all the bad people listed here! I think both sites are for men and women as well!!!
sabrina,
I way I feel about it is it is wrong if we don’t warn others about the possibility of getting involve with people who are emotionally abusive and one doesn’t have to have a PD to be listed even through I personally believe those that are emotional abusive do suffer from some type of emotional turmoil. I too have listed my ex on
http://www.datingpsychos.com/index.html and http://www.peepsheet.com/
Educating the general public is the only way to try to stop this cycle of emotional abuse. But I always warn others to understand the risks and whenever reporting them to use facts that can be proven in a court of law. Of course one can tell one’s personal story as well.
Going back to this thread to comment on another impact on our brain chemistry….romantic songs. I remember (I think) that aloha or Donna or someone wrote about not relating anymore to the romantic music at someone’s wedding. Music still remains the one trigger hardest for me to fight, but I am getting MUCH better now. I truly think one reason I fell for the narcissopath is that it was through email, and I was listening to romantic music and was so sure it was expressing how he was feeling. There are SO many songs about longing to be with someone. I think they influenced me in a very negative way.
Here is an article about the impact of music on emotions.
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/07/20/musing-on-the-power-of-music/
Here’s another article. Not sure about the stats they reference, not sure how credible the author is, but I do agree that listening to mournful love songs can delay recovery.
http://www.2knowmyself.com/Psychology_of_music_songs/psychological_effect_of_my_immortal
Hi,
My sexlife with my ex ( psychopathic boyfriend) still puzzles me. He never ceased to tell me about his gigantic sexdrive and that when we were apart ( he travelled a lot for work, yeah dont get me started on that subject) it was sooo hard for him not having an outlet. BUT when together I didnt think he was that into it at all. It sometimes popped up in my mind he did it without really wanting it, or it was almost like he was going to the toilet ( pardon this explicitness but it is the way t is). I would always have to remind him to really kiss and focus on the kissing and actually feeling it. He told me he had all sorts of trauma’s, but right now, knowing how he lied about most aspects in his life, that is something I cannot be sure about. Maybe he made up trauma’s to so of excuse his selfish and downright weird ( sexual) behavior? I mean his words and actions were so paradoxical. He saw himself as the biggest romantic, and listening to him it sounded that way however his actions werent there to back anything up. He would tell me how he loved to see to much acceptance in my eyes while we did it. That I looked at him so lovingly in the eyes. Looking back I realise he was only seeing himself through me, he was obvioulsy not focussed on seeing me! He wanted to feel alive through me. Thats it. So gross. So sad. But still a bit of a mystery to me. How someone can put so many sexual things into words so profoundly yet giving so little sexually. Can anyone relate or has similar experiences?
Thanks so much! I know this is a sensitive subject, but sharing these kinds of talks helps dealing with this ( very intimate and therefore damaging!!) important facet aswell.
and ps ofcourse i know about his other affairs or should i say full blown multiple relationships, which he explains, when caught, as ‘flings’, yet i have contact with them and therefore know its bull. Needless to say btw that this man is out of my life finally.