Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
“Like Jim, I have several male FRIENDS (without benefits) but none of them, though they are dear dear friends…”
I’ve got quite a few male friends too. If I became widowed, I’d stay a widow. I’m beginning to realize I was fortunate in my mate. I have no desire to gamble with my health and sanity for an unnecessary 2nd time.
Oxy -youre not only a saint, but a mind-reader! You answered my question before I asked it. It was “FANTASY” in mind, thats why I continued so terribly dysfunctionally in that relationship. But there are also more reasons, I know it cant be that easy so as to say it was all a fantasy in my head by means of coping with the dysfunction/lack of love. BTW Saints cant see that they are saints either 🙂 – And when I get back from school I will followup on your “deal-breaker” comments – (not the one who has bad spending habits) but you are aware that everyone healthy as can be – brings along “something” that will be challenging but they mostly bring a heap load of “lots of GOOD” to a relationship. Dont be angry with me (hey Saints dont get angry!! yeah:) but you may want to make sure your deal breakers are truly deal breakers. And if they truly are then, and you are interested in a “close relationship” perhaps these male friends have other male friends who they could bring along to meet you…. The odds are what you make them! But I agree COMPATIBILITY IS KEY. But we are never going to find Mr. Perfect — just Mr. S/P Free and nearly perfect would work for me!
Learn: “If there was a excuse to be had, I came up with it. BUT WHY???” Loyalty is another trait us “Women Who Love . . .” have in common. So we don’t give up easily once we commit.
Another aspect, though, is the fact of human nature that once we make a decision, we don’t like to admit that we might be wrong. We work to defend our decisions, even when evidence is in our faces.
This is also why people will rally around our X-S/Ps — because they decided that person was “nice” or “charming” or “fun” or “a good guy.” You may have finally reversed course when you were slapped in the face with the evidence (with the help of Oxy’s skillet), but all those other people don’t have the benefit of the work you are doing to understand the S/P, and they DO have the huge psychological predisposition to stick with their original assessment of the S/P. In fact, the more you try to get them to see the new truth, the more they are likely to dig in their heels and defend the S/P — because they are defending their own opinions.
So, it makes perfect sense that you would do all that (oh-so-pointless) work of making excuses for the S/P.
Dear Learned,
I am never angry—homicidal toward the Ps at times, but me get ANGRY? NEVER! (if you believe that, I have some ocean front property in ARizona to sell you!)
The guys, I am NOT looking for Mr. Perfect, not by a long shot. The “deal breakers” are really that and I have examined it CAREFULLY. The thing in the Pack Rat is such a pack rat that he leaves stuff out to ruin in the rain because he can’t have a place to store it. His house is so full of boxes there are just “paths” between areas, and few of them. His whole 5 acres is so junked and cluttered it looks like a junk yard. We go to auctions otgether and he BUYS MORE stuff he doesn’t need every week! NO place to put it. He leaves tools out, dropped where he was using them, until he hits them with his lawn mower. He can’t even get fire insurance on his house because it is so cluttered. He is a GREAT guy and would do anything in the world for me, but gosh, I couldn’t live like that.
My husband was a bit more of a pack rat than I am, but gosh, NOT TO THAT EXTENT.
The problem with the guy with the money concerns, it is his money and he can spend it however he wants to, but I don’t think we could work that deal out.
The guy with the kids, he loves his kids, but his idea of parenting and mine are 180 degrees off. He gives his 13 yr old unfettered access to the internet. The kid is a couch potato and he makes “suggestions” to the kid, which the kid never complies with. I personally would make that little darling pick up after himself instead of going around like the kid’s maid. I don’t think it would work out. First I’m really not ready to take on an untrained 13 yr old who thinks dad is his personal maid, and my kids would not have access to ANYTHING on the net that they wanted. So even if I was interested in raising the kids (the other one is 19 and still at home, but attending college) it wouldn’t be one that needed a great deal of “training” in basic family responsiblity at age 13.
And so on. Nah, I’m not looking for “mr perfect” but at the same time, we have to have the basic same “moral compass” and that includes financial responsibility and basic housekeeping. I’m not a neat freak by any means either, but there are limits! LOL
Yea, I am ALWAYS on the look out for someone “interesting” but so far not much that I would want, and you know, I am NOT going to lower my standards. Problem is too, the kind of guy I am looking for (age 60-70) in reasonably good health, financially stable, smart (self educated is okay), no major kid problems or any child support to their x wife age 25 and 3-4 kids, etc. That guy I would like, can get him a 45 yr old gal instead of one 62….the “good ones” are usually already married, so much of the single group are “rejects” for one reason or another.
That used to terrify me that I might spend the rest of my life without another partner, but now, I am adjusting to the possibility that I may never find another partner, but I’m OK with that now. There was a time I was so needy, so addicted to having a partner, that the thought of not having one TERRIFIED me. That’s why I was so vulnerable to the X-BF-P I am sure. Even after he started the abuse after 4 months, I took it for another 4 months before it became too painful and I kicked him to the curb, but I cried and cried and cried because I was so needy. So scared of being alone. But now, I don’t feel that way. I would love to have another partner, but am not ANXIOUS to have one. Healing takes work and time and peace, and relationships take time and anxiety, and right now I want to focus on ME and what I need to do for myself. IF someone came along that I thought might be a good match I might be interested, but not ANXIOUS.
For those just moving out of the FOG, and thinking homicidal thoughts…that’s normal. Looking for satisfaction, that takes a while, it’ll come. For me, after the “crazy time”, I’m doing better. At first, I knew there’d been a smear campaign…and I found out the details a year later. She “hooked” the
boyfriend at work with made-up stories about me “hitting, beating, and threatening her at gunpoint”. That’s what he told his wife, in case I showed up right away with the pictures of them meeting on the sly after work, at the park, after she knew that I “knew”. Wonder who else heard the story? Must
have been a few…and I found out more later.
A lot of acquaintances, other school parents, kind of treated me like a leper, for a while…the “looks” were murderous.
In the meantime, I’ve got the “boyfriend” threatening to “put him in the hospital, and he’ll wish he was never born!” (in front of my daughter, at mom’s house). When I was gone over some holidays, one of my cars was “creatively” re-wired and disabled, across the street from my house. I’d already “sold” it…but the new owner (local repair shop owner) and I filed a “criminal mischief” report with the police, naming the obvious suspects.
Anyway, I finally stopped talking about it, since nobody “got it.” The last time I was asked “what happened?” by the school principal, I gave my standard reply: “Long story, told too many times, don’t tell it anymore.” I just kept showing up for school conferences, science fairs, talent shows, sporting events, and dropping off and picking up my daughter at school, trying to act normal.
I also knew a lot of local police from a job I had. In 20 years at my house, there’d never been a domestic disturbance call. I had no record, no tickets, no arrests, and no interactions with law enforcement, except for, after the divorce, a “stand-by” to drop off my daughter, when the boyfriend got “cranked up” and was waiting for me in the bushes, or my daughter called from mom’s because there was a fight and she was scared (five police cars showed up at her place at midnight…they didn’t want me to go there…the tough guy hid in the house and let mom handle it. LOL).
Anyway, the rewards:
My youngest daughter wants to be with me whenever she can. Her friends like me, too, and their parents trust me.
At a school student conference, with my daughter, the math teacher said: “It’s good to see you two together” (I guess she hears the kids talking).
The last time I spoke to my 26 year old, now an MD, she said at the end: “Thanks Dad, I love you, you’re the best.” We don’t discuss the divorce.
My 24 year old, last May, flew into town and stayed at my place. (Christmas before also). Her mother wanted her to “talk”, so the last night she agreed. Came back fuming. Said mom took her to a bar…with the married-to-someone-else boyfriend…complaining about her lack of contact with she and her older sister…daughter said she told her: “What do you expect, Mom, you lied to everybdy!” She said the boyfriend tried to butt in with…”Let me tell you about your Dad”…and my daughter related she said…”Shut up, you don’t know anything about my dad!”
So, my Christmas gift from the 24 year old this year is a nine day trip to Ireland and Scotland (prepaid) with my daughter and her boyfriend (she said it was his idea). I don’t know what mom got, didn’t ask, don’t care. My daughter sent me a nice card, Chinese woodcut, that matched my decor, so I framed it. My youngest daughter came over..”.is that the card from my sister? Mom got one, too. she threw it away”.
Yup, life is good again…and the other kid’s parents now wave and smile…
The ex showed up at my house on a Friday night a few months ago…the “love chemicals” must have self-purged…nothing there.
It takes some time…you’ll get there.
I need help understanding a particular person…a ‘boyfriend’…a sociopath who refuses sex with his ‘partner’ a very attractive female yet seems to be turned on by anything including animals….he seems to be extremely oversexed, over horny….waiters, waitresses, males, females, anyone anywhere turns him on and he seems in predatory mode to want to ‘pick these people up.’ Yet his extremely beautiful ‘live in girlfriend’ he plays withholding and sexual games with and is mostly sadistic with….refusing to please or pleasure….the way a man would to a woman and only wants to ‘degrade, humiliate’ the female…with no real sex involved….and no real intimacy, affection….mostly aggressive odd behavior, fighting, arguing….and aggressive physical contact….even once shaving her vaginal area with an ‘electric razor’ causing her to scream in pain….not apologizing but even refusing to ‘pelasure her’ after the pain and instead ‘squirting all over her while standing on a couch’ while she is upset/angry with him….he withholds, refuses….treats her like a platonic buddy….yet she is extremely sexually attractive….but he will walk into a restaurant and be able to contain himself from getting turned on by ‘random people anywhere’…waiters…males…lone males walking on the street especially turn him on…I’m not sure why….but aside from being gay/bi…bi which he is…his behavior is odd eccentric sick and makes no sense… he claims he is with the female because she is so hot….and gorgeous…but will not even lay a hand on her soemtimes and she has to fight him for sexual encounters….then he whines fusses and refuses sexual contact with her….ie as if it’s a chore….and mostly just wants to ‘degrade/humiliate’ her….doesnt even treat her like a sex object, but just an ‘object’…..every other human is a ‘sex object’ no matter what they look like…or who they are….. im not sure what kind of sociopath or narcissist this is… most sex addicts i assume are ‘intimate w/ their partners as well or try to get as much from them sexually”….but not this one….his partner (who will even say to him…how can u resist touching me because im so attractive) who is exceptionally sexually attractive, is the one he rejects sexually…. and wants to have sex with everyone else…. including possibly animals or the partners pet….this is a confusing situation….if anyone has heard of something like this….
Melanie: It’s easy to love someone. It takes courage to allow them to love you back.
Peace.
Melanie: He is disordered. He is disordered. Crazy doesn’t have to look like slobbering or hallucinating. This guy is turned on by anything that hurts, harms, is objectionable, is disgusting, creates chaos or pain. He enjoys holding power over other people, and clearly he is doing that by insulting and degrading others. He cannot imagine having a loving, kind, generous mutually pleasurable relationship. That is because HE IS DISORDERED.
Anyone who tries to have a relationship with him can become “crazy” by trying to accommodate his craziness, and trying to understand him with their own sane logic.
Everyone around can’t imagine that someone can “look normal” and BE MOTIVATED BY SUCH SCREWED UP DESIRES!!! He will never be fixed by any loving person around him. In his own screwed up mind, he is just fine!!! And the more shock and pain he creates in those around, the “happier” he is, if you can call that “happy.”
The book “Women Who Love Psychopaths” describes some similar behaviors in some of the men. Truly — there is no confusion here. He is SICK, with no currently known pathway to getting well. Get away, stay away, and encourage anyone else to do the same.
Rune: I saw that chaos in my co-workers. Constantly jumping from bed to bed. I was exhausted just being a bystander hearing all their sordid details of one partner after another partner after another partner…. which bosses they slept with, who was the latest sleeping partner after this boss dumped them.
One minute they’d be telling details with enthusiasm, the next minute they’d be professing love for their husbands/wives/children … acting like the other affairs never happened. It was like a switch went on and off in their heads. I guess, when they were manic, they’d tell you anything, when they came down off some high of the event, they’d deny, deny, deny.
I’m shaking my head. It never stops either.
Peace.
hi everyone.
just a quick hello. still recovering from the ‘baby shower invitation,’ but maintaining NC.
glad to see that many of you are doing well.
you all have my love and support.
melanie: i see nothing confusing about the situation you describe. the guy is beyond sick and disordered. case closed on that one. don’t try to ‘understand’ it; just run.