Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they’ve been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain.
Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love.
Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in love. He had the test subjects look at photos of platonic friends and of their loved ones while he observed activity in their brains. The resulting images clearly showed that certain sections of the brain are stimulated by love.
The scientist then did another study to observe the brains of mothers looking at their infants. The images showed that exactly the same areas of the brain were stimulated by maternal love, except for an area in the hypothalamus in the base of the brain that seems to be linked to sexual arousal.
The conclusion, therefore, is that specific areas of the brain light up at the prospect of love.
Bartels also noticed something else: When the test subjects were feeling love, certain areas of the brain were turned off. The scans showed that three regions of the brain generally associated with moral judgment go dim.
Chemistry of love
Then there’s the chemistry of love. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor at Rutgers University, has written that three networks in the brain, and their associated neurotransmitters, are associated with love. They are:
- Lust—the craving for sexual gratification, which is linked to testosterone in both men and women.
- Romantic attraction—the elation and yearning of new love, which is linked to the natural stimulants dopamine and norepinephrine, and low activity in serotonin.
- Attachment—the calm emotional union with a long-term partner, which is linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
Fisher also did a study using fMRI technology. She scanned the brains of 40 men and women who were wildly in love. When these people gazed at photos of their beloved, the scans showed increased activity in the areas of the brain that produce dopamine. This neurochemical is associated with feelings of excessive energy, elation, focused attention and motivation to win rewards.
Dopamine, by the way, is also the neurotransmitter associated with addiction.
Effects of arousal
Research has also proven what we’ve probably all experienced—sexual arousal can make us throw caution to the winds.
In another study using fMRI technology, Dr. Ken Maravilla of the University of Washington found that sexual arousal dims down the parts of the brain that control inhibition and, perhaps, moral judgment.
“These are things that keep you in line, and in arousal they may become less active, allowing you to become more aroused,” Maravilla said, as quoted by Wired Magazine.
In a paper called, The Heat of the Moment: The Effect on Sexual Arousal on Sexual Decision Making, Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and George Lowenstein, of Carnegie Mellon University, documented that being sexually turned on affected the judgment of college-aged men. (Well, duh ”¦)
Specifically, Ariely and Lowenstein found that, “the increase in motivation to have sex produced by sexual arousal seems to decrease the relative importance of other considerations, such as behaving ethically toward a potential sexual partner or protecting oneself against unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease.”
But another of their findings was, “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior.” In other words, most of us don’t appreciate how strong the sex urges are, and how they can make us do things that perhaps we shouldn’t be doing.
Sociopathic seduction
So let’s look at all this information in the context of our relationships with sociopaths.
Two of the main strategies that sociopaths use to snare us are love and sex. They emphatically proclaim their love and consciously seduce us into having sex. So what happens?
- Love causes specific areas of the brain light up, and at the same time, areas associated with morals and judgment go dim.
- The areas of the brain that produce dopamine become active, and dopamine is related to addiction.
- Sexual arousal dims the parts of the brain responsible for inhibition and judgment that might prevent us from making bad choices.
- We don’t recognize the impact that sexual urges have on our judgment and behavior.
Dr. Helen Fisher writes that the three primary brain systems associated with love evolved over the ages to play different roles in courtship, mating, reproduction and parenting. They are Nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the human species.
Sociopaths convincingly proclaim their enduring love and their sexual desire for us. Not realizing the pervasive deceit of these predators, we believe that they love us. We have sex with them, and the sex is great. Many Lovefraud readers have been amazed at the sociopath’s sexual appetite and prowess.
Therefore, sociopaths hijack our brain through our feelings of love and the bonds of sex. In their seductions, they turn the natural psychological and chemical functions of our brains against us.
MariaLisa, what are you hoping to get out of deconstructing his writing? A lot of us have wasted a lot of time trying to understand how sociopaths think and feel. You’re really the one who is at the center of your story. Your feelings. Your recovery. If applicable, what patterns of belief or behavior in your life made you vulnerable to this person.
Whatever was wrong with him, you deserved better.
Kathy
Hi Kathy,
Thank you for your repsonse. Youre right. I guess the fact that I still believe in ,for instance that quote, that he sometimes was real? But I know rationally it doesnt matter cause so much was lies. I do have a deep desire of understanding to get closure. But I read everywhere that that isnt possible. However it feels with my type of brain or thought/feeling digestion, that I need to understand before I can move on. But I will never understand, so how do I move on?
MariaLisa,
Maybe it would help if you came to an understanding that you loved the illusion of himself that he created not the man he really was. Seperate the two in your thought process and that might make it easier to accept.
I saw a program on TV recently about a woman who was molested & raped by her father as a child. She survived this while growing up as a child and then a teenager (while he continued raping her) by seperating her father as 2 distict individuals in her mind. Her father whom she still loved from her early childhood memories and an evil rapist.
MariaLisa, actually you will understand a lot more later, after you get more of your own healing done.
Looking for closure from this relationship is probably premature. We don’t get closure so much as we getting learning and new strength. Ultimately when we turn the disaster into a triumph, we move on.
The first thing is to take care of yourself in an emotional sense. If you’re like the rest of us, you have very strong feelings and may feel somewhat disoriented intellectually. (That may be what you’re looking for, an end to that disorientation.)
Maybe you’re questioning whether he was “real.” If people like that actually exist, or if you are misreading the facts somehow. And that might be a place to start, at your own confusion. And figuring out what’s real.
In my recovery, it took me a while to get to the conclusion that it didn’t really matter whether I was involved with a “bad person” in some kind of universal, objective sense. The only thing I could know for sure was that he was bad for me. That was my subjective truth, and I stopped worrying about whether anyone else would agree with it.
And that’s how I came to the conclusion that I didn’t need to care about him anymore. I didn’t need to protect his feelings. Or clean up after his revolting lifestyle. Or try to find the good in him anymore. I could start to focus clearly on the bad things he did to me.
I don’t know if this helps. Ultimately, the recovery moves a lot more expeditiously if we approach it less intellectually and more emotionally. Our feelings are our great source of wisdom in dealing with and recovering from these people. And I tell you that as someone who tends to hang out in her intellect. For me, recovery required paying attention to my feelings in a way that I never had before. They were the source of the information about him and me that I really needed.
Kathy
Wow, witsend, that’s a dynamite insight. And it’s exactly what I did, both as an incest victim and later with my ex.
I think this is called “splitting,” and I’ve written about it from a difference perspective in my personal writing. How I divided my brain in half by “burying” everything to do with the incest, so it wouldn’t ruin my life. But what you described is a very precise and limited version of that, and I think it really describes what we do with these people, who we hold onto our “good” illusions while dealing on a day-to-day basis with the bad realities.
Thanks for sharing that!
Kathy
wow. thats sounds right. i tend to rationalise my feelings. my intuition has been soooo right though. and i still ignore my feelings. its the hardest part for me. to trust and act upon my own feelings. and he messed it up so bad.
thank you for your wonderful insights..
“I wanna pose something.”
See “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare, Page 126.
p.126:
“the mental processes of psychopaths are poorly regulated …psychopaths differ from others in the way their brains are organized and in the connection between words and emotion”
okay, but his quote reads logically. no?
Gosh Rosa I don’t know why I would think I should (who the heck do I think I am) add something to Robert Hares statement.
But I would add if I could to the end of the statement: and between words and emotion & “ACTIONS”.
I don’t see that a disordered individual connects their actions to their words (as they differ so unbelievably so) any more than they connect words and emotion.
I’m sure I “flunked” all the way around here….It was just the first thing that came to my mind when I read the statement.
im still a bit puzzled in which way the page of Hare’s book relates to the earlier topic. Rosa could you maybe help me out here? what did you want me to notice here?
thanks.